I do not know how to
deny you anything

except my heart

I keep it locked inside my chest
like treasure

wrapped tight in veins
and arteritis

caged by bones
as strong as steel

it will take a braver man than you
to smash through

the layers of my chest
and break it

I have spent the hours of our love
listening to the waves crash against the shore
beating on my bedroom window, at night,
drinking tea from chipped cups
made with sour milk,
I longed for more,
I wanted to stretch my arms out
and devour the ocean,
let it’s power fill me with the strength
to walk away.
from only ever hearing the sound of the sea
through frosted glass,
and drinking tea that curdled in my stomach,
like my love for you has curdled,
I want the salt water of the wild ocean
to cleanse this bitter taste from my mouth,
let it consume me for it is all I want
to ride a wave away from this stagnant life

My heart opened for you
like a blood red tulip,
it’s restless beats settled
at the sound of your voice,
the way you pronounced my name
as if in a language only known to us,
our fingers wrapped together like vines,
the dark green ties that bind us forever,

But tulips live a short life
their petals wither and die,
I can only hope that in the dust
of my dead flower heart,
there will be the ashes of you

The play of my life
has no intermission
no break in the drama
no pause to catch my breath

On and on and on
the show loops
in my head
nightmares return
night after night

The scenery doesn’t change
the walls of the set, closing in on me
everything I touch is just a prop
fake cigarettes and alcohol free beer

I wait for my death scene
my heart racing with anticipation
for my exit, stage left
but I weep in the knowledge
that my final breath will be just an act

and there is no escaping this plot

you have
the whole
universe
swirling
inside
you

you
must
be
on
fire

you come the me now

as a butterfly

fragile winged thing

it is cruel that you die in a day

and I can’t even hold on to

your reincarnation

grief stirred endlessly

in a cycle

but I will take this daily torment

over never seeing you again

I know -
the secret flower patches
where the fairies hide

play
dance
drink sugar water
and eat daisy petals

I am becoming
them, leaving a world

that bound me with bitterness,
and gagged me with guilt,
subdued me with shame

I am not that rough edged  world;

I am flowers and sugar
twirling and stories

I exist, differently,
and happily

under the secret flower patches