I trace your name in smoke
as my cigarette burns down to
my fingers

I flick ash furiously away from me
because I will not find you
in embers

I miss the way you made my coffee
in the morning
The way you told me it was bad for me
yet you’d still pour

that thick black liquid, into my chipped mug
that I refused to throw away

I hope you find me, here
I am sitting under the stars we named
after each other

I will not move
until I feel your hand slice into mine
and the stars flicker

signalling a new chapter

I am forever bound in this grief

soft skin and rose petals

scattered like the ashes of my dreams

across the bed of my nightmares

I close my eyes and taste the

salt kissed waves of your

ocean

the sea that drowned me when I was

helpless

and the arms that saved me

both realities existing together

as one

as your fingernails move down my spine

carving love letters and the blood

that we will offer

to Cupid,

in thanks for the richness of this moment

the textures that breathe eternity

in your hands

I am bound to this grief

of my carelessness

for you slipped so easily from my grasp

like sand through my fingers

just glass

glass to shred my bare feet on

as I walk towards

that beckoning ocean

They brought you back from the lake
draped in lilies

their scent so strong I thought I might pass out
and relish in a few brief moments of serenity

before the grief hits me like I’ve ran
into a cliff face

you no longer have to pray for
snatched moments
of peace

for you have stolen a lifetime
of tranquility
from me

Stars know the secrets that I bury
in daylight

seeping through their cages at
midnight

they’re stardust now
scattered across the night sky

all the words I swallowed down so deep
afraid to ever give them a voice

and I finally see that they are not dark
and shameful

but beautiful

so thank you, stars
for taking the darkest parts of my soul
and giving them light
giving them a space in the infinite sky

for allowing me to see that I need not hold words in my throat till they burn

they can burn bright in the sky
instead

I learnt the sweetness of the sun, that day

the way it’s rays bounced off my skin in
golden glowing glory

warming my half frozen blood

I was no longer a ghost,
eating fear to sustain me

(and sustain me, it did)

I was a mermaid,
coming to the surface of the sea
for a few sacred seconds

of sunlight

Show me your heart

and I will show you my world

that pulsing *****

those bulging veins and arteries

each one a map that lead me back

home

sitting with my hand clasped in yours

empty beer bottles at our feet

and the sweet taste of belonging

on our tongues

That wild ride of lust and laughter

the sheer lunacy of running barefoot
along the sand at midnight

our clothes falling behind us
like leaves off an autumn tree

do you even remember it?

as you sit across from me at breakfast
drinking black coffee and smoking
until your lungs peel

do you even remember
that we used to be young?

now that your withered hand
hovers over mine

too scared to touch
as if my skin is made of fire

what did we lose?
what did we gain?

did it even out
in the end

or are we in debt to our
youth