That wild ride of lust and laughter

the sheer lunacy of running barefoot
along the sand at midnight

our clothes falling behind us
like leaves off an autumn tree

do you even remember it?

as you sit across from me at breakfast
drinking black coffee and smoking
until your lungs peel

do you even remember
that we used to be young?

now that your withered hand
hovers over mine

too scared to touch
as if my skin is made of fire

what did we lose?
what did we gain?

did it even out
in the end

or are we in debt to our
youth

we clung
to each other
like ivy
climbing a brick wall

our hearts were as strong
as those foundations

our outside changing with the seasons
but inside -

a fire had been lit
that no winter could
extinguish

You fall away from me
like snow melting from a tree branch

we are both, bare again

I am no longer holding out my hand
to catch you

to free the words from my throat
to tell you to stay

I can tolerate the loneliness

I will live in my head -
an entire world of imagination

where I am not stung by wasps
disguised as lovers

reality has left me with burns so disfiguring
I daren’t look in a mirror

in fantasy, my skin is new and unmarked
my heart is still pure and capable
of pumping blood to every part of my body

I will not miss you
but I will learn from you

to make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes

the soul goes on forever
but I am not sure mine is up up to the task

each day, a little part of it erodes away
like water eating into a sand cliff

and I am dropped down into the ocean
forced to swim or drown

and drowning has always seemed
so peaceful to me

my breath froze in my chest
as the tide pulled me down

my limbs stopped struggling

(I stopped struggling)

and I rested my head on the sea bed
in an eternal sleep

beautiful colourful creatures floating
around me for company

if my soul goes on forever, I hope it takes
into account these last moments

and not the years of pain and heartache
that came before

the times when I thought it was literally
being beaten and torn away from me

I hope my soul remembers my final peace
more than a lifetime of chaos

I borrow words like money

always swearing that I will pay them back

but my heart is in so much debt

as you have taken every penny of poetry
that I had

that if I am to keep writing at all

(and I must keep writing)

I must go on

scrounging my way through life

Blood woman -

take your hands off my throat

for lack of breath

is a side effect

of wanting you

and I can’t breathe

for trying to tell you

that this lust is

killing me

She’s the kind of girl
who will play a sad song
when things are going well

when she is finally happy and settled in her skin

because she needs to remember
the sting of tears falling down her cheeks,
and the bitter blows to her heart

just in case

(just in case)

he’s another act in a tragedy
that even Shakespeare would never
have been able to conceive