my lungs burn

heart ripped from my chest
love ripped from my heart

things look different,
through these tear stained eyes

a meadow of flowers
that we used to run through,
is now a wasteland of dying flowers

and a gentle hand once reaching out to me,
is now an angry claw,
ready to claim me as it’s own

as I was once love’s own
with you

I have walked these shores,
until sand buried itself into the soles of my feet

like a parasite,

and you -
the reason for my nightly barefoot wanderings,

nested in my ear, too,
with all your whispers of “I love you”

a leech, ******* out my impurities,
but at the same time, the very blood and soul

of me

I watched you falling out of love with me

stuck rooted to the sidelines,
unable to reach a hand towards to you

(as if my hand would have changed your mind)

I became unstitched, skin and bones
shaking, failing, decomposing
heart shrivelled up and shrieking

you said, “just let some time pass.”
as if time ever heals anything

I will taste your betrayal, in my mouth,
like blood

I will remember you, behind my eyes,
until the day die

I am a part of -

the Earth
the sky
the stars

they speak to me
in their infinite generosity

whisper words of comfort and hope
echo back the souls of all those I’ve loved

(and lost)

and in their gentles caress, I am at one -

with the moon
the soil
the air

I am stardust
I am fire

I am everything I cannot be
in daylight

I see my past spread out like a map;

each arrow leading me back to a home
that has turned to ashes

back to my body, which disgusts me
each bone, each hair, each inch of skin

I want to tear the ******* route apart,
in the hopes that I may plot a new one

one where I may be free
from the histories that stick

like gum, to the soles of my shoes,
with each step I take

freedom is a fraught war
that I am too tired to win

and once again, I find my feet
leading me back to the ash house,
back to the broken bones
of loathing

She warned me against falling freely
into the arms of strangers,
but I would always run, head first, into them

going from catastrophe to catastrophe,
heartbreak to heartbreak,
I learnt quickly how unkind and cruel
strangers could be,

but there were a few,
a glimmering, shining few,
amongst them,

who healed my wounds with whispers of
“you’re safe now”

and held me tightly,
not so that I couldn’t breathe,

but so that I knew my breath
would always be met by
another’s

what are the stars

except pinpricks in the sky

for each lover we have lost

each heart we weren’t able to tame

each soul our song didn’t reach

what are the stars

but permanent reminders of

our failures