Who knows the darkness?  she says.

I do, a quiet voice, in my head.

the sinking feeling in my stomach when I crawl into an empty bed

the frozen fossils of lovers tossed loosely
on the floor

I claw

from the bottom of my black, holed well
the air escaping like a slither of silver

the bars to my cell

I am a monster without teeth, who feasts
on the loneliness of my thighs

and I am walking, step by step, with the beast

of depression and anxiety, it’s pen pal friend

who I have known for years, through letters

but it now has a body to tend

I crawl

like I’ve forgotten how to walk,
across cobblestones that feel like boulders
beneath my feet

I have forgotten to eat

What do you have to be sad about? She asks.

As if sadness is a currency,
exchanged between  haves and the
havenots

whilst I am in knots.

I get her point, I guess

but I did not choose this never ending death

You shatter
the silence
with your
smile

I run my fingers
down your
smooth bank

no imperfections
just imprints
of a lover’s
gentle touch

I hold my
head to the
side

when I
think of
you

and try to
curve my lips
into the
memory of
us

My demons stir,
a light that bleeds
through a crack,
and they are alive
once more, to torment
my every waking thought,

the threads of time
align against me,
stitching together to form
one shuddering roar
from within,

my honey trap of memories
are theirs to flick through,
to select at random which
one they want to play,

I am Godless in a faith filled world,
a host for a sinning parasite,
that wraps me up in curses
and black magic, killing me
with shame and self disgust
that's palpable to the touch,

I have danced with the Devil tonight

He turned wine into water
and took the sea
into his mouth -
salt filled and raging
wild with waves

but I am not a mermaid
and I do not sing a
siren song, to lure
him in

I smoked a cigarette
and waited for him
to turn that mouthful
back into wine

sharing an alcoholic
haze of memories
untangling

we are destined to be
one more sip away
from oblivion

I'm smoking my fourteenth cigarette of the night
and listening to a storm shatter against
my window

my mind is folding backwards to when
we first met, the most important raindrop
in history, caught in my eyelash

that you gently kissed away.

In April, I look forward to the showers.
to puddles gathering at my feet, that I
can splash about my boots.

Daffodils bringing yellow smiles,
spreading like honey across fresh
growing grass.

I remember your kiss
and the raindrop

as I listen to the violent, wild winds
of Tezcatlipoca, washing away
that single, fateful

drop

A hook
an eye for an eye
hanging helpless
at the end of
your line

I've raged war with the heavens
rattled the bars of my cage
until they came loose
fearing the judgement of a God
I no longer believe in
talking to angels no one else
can see
I am through treading on eggshells
timid and tender to the slightest touch
I will eat poisonous berries with dirt
covered hands, unafraid of the
consequences. I am a black hole
waiting to implode, and you
are no longer the centre of
my universe