I carry the unfixable
in the cavity of my chest
where my own life used to
beat

if I stop  talking about him
he will die all over again

if I do not
say his name
it will be as if
it never existed

so I carry
his memory, his lifeblood
sacrificing my own

and talk
and say
and pray

that history
will not erase him
from the pages
of the countless
who are also being

carried

as a crystal memory

When we sat in the garden
Under a canopy of wisteria
Surrounded by colour, and by life
We did not realise that as we drank our coffee
We were sipping time from a chipped cup

Each mouthful another week less
To spend with you
Talking and debating about everything
Under the sun, falling out and making up
ALWAYS making up

Each bittersweet gulp another month
Nearer the vultures
The pain of watching them eat away at you
Whilst you had to be fed by tubes
Whist I measured my days, my weeks, in hospital visits

The stench of pity all around me
As useless to me as faith
And worse, the toxic fake false positivity
Telling me everything would be okay
When you were ******* dying
I want to tear their words into pieces
Shred them to nothing because that’s all it means
NOTHING

Eventually, our cup of time ran out
Please know that I never wanted to leave you that day
Please know that I would fight lions off with my bare hands
To say one last goodbye

You are gone, and I am left
Traumatised by seeing the true horrors of cancer
But holding on to the fact that the last thing we said
To each other was “I LOVE YOU”
And I am loving you always
But always longing for

One last hug
I’d give up a thousand tomorrows
For one more hug
Nuzzled into your neck
The smell of your hair
The feel of your shirt
The beat of your heart
The steady rhythm of your breath
Soothing my fear

How can someone so alive
Suddenly disappear?

I want to find a black pebble
flat and smooth
like the one you gave me
years ago
when sirens were screaming
in my mind

I have no luck,
there is not a lot of it
about lately

I try to find closure
in the ocean,
knowing that if I write your
name in the sand
the tide will wash it
(wash you)
away

but I can’t bring myself to
pick up a knotted stick
and form those letters,
it’s as if I’ve momentarily forgotten
the alphabet
that you taught me in Spain

I don’t think there is closure
I don’t think it’s as simple as
drawing a line in the sand

I was a lover of Autumn
all my life, but this year
I am dreading it

watching the leaves changing colour

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

from their branches, which are twisted
and decaying. The air thick with the
threat of Death

it will make me remember
God, will it make me think of

you

I
Did
Not
Know
That
Death
Was
It’s
To
Keep

I wish there had been a moment
between loss and grief

a moment to catch my breath
before I had to heal

because healing took energy
I did not have

I wish there had been a moment
to just say goodbye

because healing is messy,
and I don’t get enough time or grace now

to simply kiss you on your way

I miss you quietly, sometimes,

no body shaking sobs
no gut wrenching agony.

just the memory of your smile,
and the smell of your hair,

haunting echoes of a life lived with you.

those are the dangerous days,

the days when my smile
doesn’t fade
at the mention of your name