I have forgotten how this works
How people can form sentences
Of beauty, of magic
I'm not sure how to transform my words
And fill a blank paper with words
That gets heavy

The blank paper is much more beautiful
In some way I guess...
But the filled paper is worth much more
The filled paper is full of truth
Of honesty
Of guilt
Of pain
Of passion
Of heartache
Of bubbly feelings
Of sad mornings
Of terrible nights

All I can think about is you
I think I haven't written anything
Or to correct myself
I think that I haven't been able to write
Because I'm scared that it will turn out
To be another stupid poem about
Love

I don't need more of those
I'm fine
Thank you

***** doesn't make me sick
You do

3.45 am I woke up from one of them
It felt more real to me than the reality I woke up to
In my bed with sweatpants on and darkness surrounding me

Yet my dream of being in the woods
Having this guy finding me
That he let me in
It felt so real

I knew it right a away
I tried to touch his arm
Roll up the sleeve
He tried to hide it
His skinny arm with a million small blue vains
His arm filled with burn marks
Small short deep bumpy scars from a razor

It felt so real
I wanted to help him
Show him my arm
Tell him that he's not alone
Far from alone
We looked in to each others eyes
His eyes started to tear up
So did mine
When he finally relaxed
Let me drag my fingers gently up and down his arms

Reality pulled me back
From him
From who he was
I don't know him
I've never seen him
But he knows more about me than anyone
And I know more about him than anyone ever will

It was just a dream
But I have never felt more alive

When you realize you don't belong anywhere
When you have no place to hide
No place to find love

It would be so easy to just end it all
A rope
A pill
A knife
A small little step out of the edge
That is all it takes to end it
To get out

When you realize it doesn't matter what you do
Nothing will ever satisfy them
When you can't do anything because they told you that

That is when you have to stand tall
You still have yourself
That is all that matters

Do not give up
Do not let them win
Do not disappear.

Blue vains with warm red blood
Pulsing.
Pulsing.
   Pulsing.

The porcelain skin...
When he holds himself up using the railing
Oh my...
The vains looks like they will pop out any second
His hands hypnotize me
I can't stop staring
It's the most  beautiful thing I've ever seen
I imagine his hands being the coldest on this earth
I imagine the warmth of his hands being like nothing else

His face was...

How could I know?
I didn't see it
I just saw his hands

I fell in love with someone today
No
I fell in love with someones hands today

I avoid the nights because I''m scared of the darksness
I escape from sleep because I don't know if I'll wake up
I stay up all night because I'm scared of the morning
I'm scared of the night
I'm scared of the dawn
I'm scared of every second of every day

If I sleep it only makes it worse
What if I dream?
I can't control my dreams
Maybe you would be in them
What if you're not in them?

I'm scared
That's why I stay up
At least then I have my eyes to search
And maybe I'll find the monster
Before it finds me

I want to write, I want my words to flow
Like a raging waterfall in the beginning of spring
I want my words to scream as loud as I do in my head

But I have nothing
No words to put on a paper
No words to be said
No sentences to be formed

I only have this
Me, my brain and the complete chaos inside
I want to write
But I have nothing I would understand
Just a bunch of words flying around in my head
I want to throw all of my feelings on a paper
I want to create something

I don't care if I get crushed
I don't care if no one understands
I don't care if I don't understand
There is too much
It is everywhere

I feel...
Inspired
Happy
Angry
Stressed
Depressed
Hypnotized
Excite­d
Sad
Greatful
Exhausted
Independent
Alone
Proud

Infinite.

Yet I can't seem to write anything
And that is all I want