One summer I was
So out of shape that
I decided to run
With my little sister. She was on
The cross-country team.
I always told myself
I could beat her. I mean
She’s younger than me.
The first day she dragged me
Out of bed I couldn’t feel
My legs. There were creases
On my calves from the dusty sheets
Of the bottom bunk. I tripped
On my laptop trying to find my shoes.
I realized she didn’t
Wear shorts that often. The muscles
Beneath her skin smirked at me
While I fumbled with my laces. Her hair
Was in a high ponytail, pulling
At her cheekbones.
We jogged out of the driveway.

I had to clean out the back room when
I decided to skip class. There was so much
Random **** it made my head spin.
Hours consisted of me choking
On dirt and throwing away boxes.
The cardboard reminded me of
Moving day and how we all slept on the floor but
She left her canopy still hanging when we
Drove away for the last time.
I found a drawer full
Of paintings. None of them finished,
All of them signed.

I didn’t even know she could
Write until I found a journal in my
Hockey bag. Blue leather, full of stains.
Words I don’t think I would’ve
Noticed coming from someone else’s
Hands.
I left it on the locker room bench, open
  
We went cliff jumping and
I trembled at the edge with my
Heartbeat in my mouth
The water wasn’t liquid it was
Made of welkin stone
I couldn’t find my voice and my pulse was
Way too high
She leapt from above me without
Looking down

Loving you is like the
static ache of sleeping limbs
It’s like yawning when exhaustion makes
your back knot up like yarn it's like
stretching out your fingers till
your shoulders glide again
lavender, soft yellow and red raging
in the rain, tendrils of pink promises
proposing to the sky it's the
first sip of hot chocolate
it is reading
by the fire it is racing home to leave again and sighing under sheets, cradling
my ankles cause they
never felt your lips

Wondering was waking up and finding
only empty rooms, slamming doors and
calling out to
nobody at all,
crossing sidewalks
backwards and ignoring traffic lights,
guided by the sand around my eyes and
in my shoes
worrying was poisonous, it
pinched me all day long,
underneath my armpits and
behind my pen tattoo I
wish I
didn't know you touched her did she
hug her ankles too did she
know how many freckles there are
sleeping on your back

Losing you was cold it was
my heart made out of lead, sinking into
stomach aches and leaning
on the stall, puking out
your promises and pulling out my hair,
counting cuts at midnight checking
ribs for wandering knives it was
the day they put him underground he couldn't drown me anymore and they
said it wasn't anybody's
fault but his alone and it's
weird because i watched and not
a single person cried
until they dropped their chuckling roses onto earth made out of lies,
spitting up aromas of
my brother's drunken wish
I peeled back lazy scars **** I
showed you all that I
had left, hoping you
would stroke my hair and
help me be alive

This second try is
fragile it's a
glass full to the brim, a leather seat
on a summer day
on the far side of the lot, warm enough
to doze off but
too hot to really dream

i watched two
lovers in the moonlight fighting
over wasted breath they would
stalk away from each other
tears scalding swollen cheeks I saw
her stumble over smooth ground
and her knees hit
marbled earth
i saw her shoulders catch the
universe as he cried out with
borrowed pain
i saw her
give into the starlight
and her body
melt away
i saw him
fumbling for the remnants of her
voice amongst the stars

the sky will kiss your cheeks when you are
sobbing in your sheets it will
breathe into your lungs it will
remind you that you’re young

there are angels in your stride and there are
flare guns in your mind don’t
let them make you blind don’t
let want
and need
collide

you are
golden as the dusk and
you are more
than just enough
i will race you to the edge and we can
leap until
we fly

if he won’t kiss your cheeks you know you always
have the sky
and if your flare gun leaves you weak
please remember
you have i

mixed signals in my
forearms racing tampering with
my pulse
this ache was born but dies with you i
wish i could explain
i'd never felt
my bones agree with anything but
sleep but when your
finger tips
almost
traced my lips they
screeched their bold consent
"let him in oh let him in
let him have what's left"

They say once your heart is
Broken there's a
Clock on when you cry I mean you
Wake up in the morning and you're whispering his name
I wonder why it
Hits me when I'm
Staring in the mirror, counting all the reasons I would prob'bly leave me too but you know
That's the ******* problem that's why
All the bad boys win they
Teach you that your image isn't
Whole when they're not there they
Twist your arm behind your back cause
You like to hold their hand and
Then when they let go it's like the
Pain of phantom limb, you
Wish there was that pressure still that
Felt like you belonged but
"Property" and "follow me" aren't really
What you need there's
Not so many hours just to
Give to someone else you
Have to wonder if you want to be
Obedient or not my point
Is that I'm so in love that
I can't tie my shoes but
I know that
If I asked he wouldn't
Bend his knees to help so as much
As I don't like to shake or
Lie myself to sleep I
Recognize that hazel eyes are
Not my Golden Fleece and
Cold steel in my stomach tells me
"Call just one more time" but
Nothing about how he speaks
Suggests that he's still mine and
You know that's the ******* problem that I
Want to own him too I
Want promises that make the days
Seem shorter than they are I'm
Definitely broken but that's not
What matters most
It's that every time I see his face I
Flinch a little less so
Please let me remind you and I
Guess myself as well that
Clocks are obsolete unless
You choose to face the wall

what have you
noticed lately about the girl
with caramel braids
I heard her
hum a song once she thinks the moon
is brave for floating in that
gentle ink we call
the midnight sky
every morning hiding
every night waiting to die

what have you seen
lately does she stumble
when she walks
what's set her off balance
does her heart race
with the clock she whispered
in my ear once that she
thinks the clouds should sing
her daydreams sprint
beside her but without them
she could win

what have you heard lately
about the girl
with emerald eyes
they wrapped her wrists up twice
this time maybe just
a bit too tight
she told me that the Earth is
sore from holding so much weight
she echoes, and she's empty now
but she's glad she
did not change

what have you noticed lately about
the girl with caramel braids
I heard her
hum a song once yes she
thought the moon was brave
for floating in that
gentle ink she knew she'd never touch
every morning: nothing
every night waiting for love