you are 12 when your sister first explains what happens between older boys and girls
she tells you not to think about it too much yet
you are years from understanding

you are 13 and you are having your first boyfriend over
your mother tells you not to kiss him yet because you are too young
because boys like girls that respect themselves
you sit in the living room next to him but not too close
your thighs are three inches of innocence away from one another
you keep that distance

you are 14 and you have your first high school boyfriend
your mom and dad sit you down for the talk
they remind you to respect yourself
they tell you how important it is to save yourself for someone that really matters
you remember boys like girls that respect themselves

you are 15 and virginities are dropping like flies all around you
boys don't like girls that sleep around
he tells you he loves you and you believe him
so you sleep with one boy

you are 16 and you fall in love hard
your stomach turns at the thought of confessing you did not save yourself for him
its okay
hes on number 10

you are 17 and past buzzed
its the first party of the summer
the boy you have had your eyes on since the beginning of the night
charms you underneath his arm
he leads you to his truck as you giggle
the alcohol and the excitement are tempting
you pull your hand away and head back to the party
save yourself for someone who matters

you are 18 and this is your second boyfriend in two months
your mother warns you to be careful
she says one day your husband will ask you your number
and you don't want to be embarrassed by that
you keep your number low and your head high

you are 19 and hookups out number first dates
you are 19 when you wonder
why you ever respected yourself
when no one else did the same
you are 19 when sleeping around seems less embarrassing
than respecting yourself for a boy who never did the same

it has been months
youre walking through Walmart
and you know the day has come
the day you have to face him
you feel him before you see him
you cross your arms infront of your chest
its a self defence mechanism
he cant grab at your heart with your arms in the way
you hear him before you see him
that laugh that used to bring you to your knees
that voice that used to sing johnny cash into your ear
but here it comes
that echo of every **** and ***** he yelled through gritted teeth
he rounds the corner with that smile he always knew right when to use
and then you see her
she is beautiful
lighthouses shine through her eyes
he hasn't gotten to her yet
you try to somehow tell her to run
run while she is still whole
but maybe he took all the promises he swore to give to you
and gave them to her
so you settle for a polite smile
and you walk away
praying to God he keeps her whole

the first time he cheated on me
I felt the earth ripped out from underneath my feet

the second time he cheated on me
I cried into my pillow and couldn't for the life of me fall asleep

the third time he cheated on me
I let my mother hold me
which I never do

the fourth time he cheated on me
my friends told me you should do it too

the fifth time he cheated on me
I slept curled in a ball for days and days

the sixth time he cheated on me
he promised emma, its just a phase

the seventh time he cheated on me
I heard the line boys will be boys

the eighth time he cheated on me
I punched my closet door until my sister yelled
whats that noise

the ninth time he cheated on me
I drank until I felt the ***** racing through my veins

the tenth time he cheated on me
I traced my wrists with razors
down like high way lanes

the eleventh time he cheated on me
he said at least she isn't fat

the twelth time he cheated on me
I said no
**** that

the first time a boy cheated on me
I felt the earth ripped out from underneath my feet

the second time a boy cheated on me
I cried into my pillow and couldn't for the life of me fall asleep

the third time a boy cheated on me
I let my mother hold me
which I never do

the fourth time a boy cheated on me
my friends all told me you should do it too

the fifth time a boy cheated on me
I slept curled in a ball for days and days

the sixth time a boy cheated on me
he promised emma, its just a phase

the seventh time a boy cheated on me
I heard the line boys will be boys

the eighth time a boy cheated on me
I punched my closet door until my sister yelled
whats that noise

the ninth time a boy cheated on me
I drank until I felt the ***** racing through my veins

the tenth time a boy cheated on me
I traced my wrists with razors
down like high way lanes

the eleventh time a boy cheated on me
he said at least she isn't fat

the twelth time a boy cheated on me
I said no
**** that

I have never truly understood the concept of someone pouring themselves into another person
until I realized I wanted you to pour yourself into me
I crave you in every way I never knew a person could crave another
  give me your heart yes
    but give me your soul
     give me your mind
and I'll give you mine

and one day when I'm twenty five ill call you up for coffee because its been long enough to ask you what happened
so ill sit there and finally hear how I fell apart

its like I knew I was going to hurt her before it happened
but I just couldn't stop myself

I did it
and then I did it again

until one day she stopped letting me
she packed up what was left of herself and she walked away
she walked away
and she never looked back