i sit quietly at the kitchen counter, watching spongebob
i was 10 years old then.
in the next room my parents are fighting with my brother.
they yell, and scream.
i raise my hands to my ears to try and block the noise.
but i couldnt.
my mom tackles my brother to the ground, screaming.
tears streamed down my face and i run.
i ran into my bedroom and crawled under the bed.
but no one came.
i could still hear them screaming.
yelling
they kicked him out of the house.
i cried, and cried, and cried.
but still, no one came.
because. no one cared.
i lied under my bed, hands over my ears, tears rolling down my face.
trying to remember the happy times we spent as a family.
but i couldnt.
i couldnt take them anymore.
i ran outside and up the road.
i ran until my feet couldnt carry me any longer.
and when i finally stopped i sat under a tree.
i listened to the crickets and the trees blowing in the wind.
the night breeze was cold, i wish i had brought a blanket.
but i needed to sleep and it was a place where things were finally silent.
so i slept under that tree, and no one searched for me, because no one cared.
the next morning i woke up.
the sun was shining.
it was a new day.

she lies in bed
curled in a ball with her face in a pillow.
her beautiful eyes are red and puffy, coated with water
the tears stream down her face.
and she thinks awful things
things that no girl her age should ever think of
but she does, and it only makes the tears roll down her face faster
she has so many problems, but no one knows
her parents are downstairs fighting
her brother died last year,
every night suicide becomes less and less of an idea and more reality.
the cuts on her arms become deeper and deeper
but no one knows because no one seems to care.
she lies in bed.
alone, sad, feeling like nothing
how could life get any worse?
the next day her mother is diagnosed with cancer
she lies in bed that night, crying
tears rolling down her face because her mom only has 3 months to live
her father becomes an abusive alcoholic
she lies in bed
crying, bruises on her face, scars on her arms,
and yet no one knows
because no one seems to care.
that night a little girl committed suicide.
and yet no one seems to notice
because no one seems to care.
that night a little girl was released from the terrors of life.
she joined her mother and brother
and the tears stopped.

I miss the rain.
Running around and laughing because the puddles
Made our white clothes see through
But in that moment we didn’t give a single ****.
Because in that moment I swear I was infinite.
We were all. Infinite.  
The smiles on our faces were so big and so real.
The tennis courts were soaked and the clay ran from one corner to the other.
We ran around those courts like little children, holding hands and screaming with joy.
Its so amazing how well I remember that day.
It feels like a movie I watched on repeat for 100 years.
Just like that the image is crystal clear.
Every moment, every second of our summer I can replay in mind.
Because every minute with you is like a fairytale.
And why remember reality when there are fairytales.
Singing, painting nails, golf, music.
Every minute, every beat we all missed.
When we messed up no one made fun of the other.
Because in our minds the artist got the lyrics wrong, not us.
The dances were stupid and fun and full of laughter
No one ever hated the other because we are friends.
And real friends don’t judge one another.
The worst part of this though is sometimes I think I wont find anyone like you.
No matter how hard try; it will always be destiny that brought us together.
We don’t need alcohol or drugs to have fun.  
We just need each other.
Because every day is a new adventure with you guys and ill love you forever.
Walks on the beach, staring at the hot lifeguards…
it all seems fake, like it was to good to be true.
But the rain.
Thats what I remember most.
Because even on the saddest and cloudliest days of all days we had fun.
We took the earth for what it was and accepted it; we loved it.  
Thunder shook the clouds above us.
And we began to laugh even louder because in that moment death wasn’t an option.
We enjoyed the rain, almost more then the sun.
If the sun shined every day wouldn’t you get bored?
Wouldn’t you want to feel the rain on your skin?
At that moment; we were invincible; we were one with the rain.  
Summer 2o13

Every time I pass that corner I think of you.
I think that once you pass that corner, May. 26th,  that that’s it.
The school, and everyone in it will become nothing.  
Nothing but a distant memory that you want to escape.
Because even though this place means so much to me, it means nothing to you.
We haven’t talked in a while, and I miss that.
But I don’t want to be annoying and say something first.
I want to feel like I mean something to you, like you want to talk to me.
But now. Now I think I was never anything.
Once you leave this place will you even remember my name?
Because ill remember yours forever.  
I don’t want you to leave, but you’re counting down the days so I guess ill help.
Because that’s all I can do.
All I can do is sit by and watch as the days narrow down and you walk out on us.
On all we had, and all we went through.
Because to me those 10 days we spent together was the best adventure I’ve ever had.
But to you, it was just getting community service hours.  
Every morning I struggled to get out of bed, to make the choice to live.
But then I thought of seeing your smiling face and that.
That very image got me through my first year and will get me through everything.
Until that face and that smile turns that corner.
That’s the worst part. Not knowing what I am to you.
I’d like to think im more then just a dumb freshman but I know im not.
So please.
All I ask is that you remember my name.
Just my ******* name.
Because to get my hopes up, well… they would only be crushed later.
So please. Please. Just remember my name when you turn that corner.
Because that corner is so much more then a corner.
It, along with many other things is a constant reminder of you.
So please. Just my name.

i guess its nice every once in a while
but really its not
because a dream is just a dream, and at some point you have to wake up
you have to leave the ideas and that happy place only to be put back into reality.
and that really *****.
because personally i hate reality.
and i hate every single person i have met there.
except, for you.
so thats why i did the things i did,
because given the chance to live in reality but be dreaming... id take it.
and you may not understand this but i am trying to say something.
sometimes its ok to break the rules and do something bad.
its whats gotten me this far.
so keep daydreaming, but when that gets old get creative.
go places and do things you never thought you would do.

Do you know the feeling when you see someone and your heart literally sinks to your stomach?
When suddenly your mind goes blank and your heart races?
When all you can think about before going to sleep is them?
And the first thing on your mind when you wake up is them?
What is this called?
Honestly, I need your help.
I see this one guy all the time and this always happens.
When this one person is all you can ever think about.
Is is love?
Or is it just a dumb high school crush that I should get over?
I read over our old texts and smile realizing how much we talked.
but now we dont talk at all and I feel like im a burden to you.
But I know you have feelings for me.
You may not know what they are yet or how strong they are; but I do.
And I wish you would just realize.
I wish you would remember that im here, and that i love talking to you.
So do you love me, do you even want to talk to me anymore?
Cause I will always want to talk to you.

What hurts the most is not so much your absence from my life, but your memory.
What scares me the most is that you will forget about me.
About the memories we shared; and the laughs we had.
Constantly wondering if our late night conversations meant anything to you.
In all my years I’ve learned not to trust anyone; so don’t forget when I let you in.
Ive never felt this way before.
What I wonder about most is if you will leave and never look back.
If you will graduate, and just like that forget everything that happened here.
Because once you’re gone I don’t even know if ill ever see you again.
No one understands though; because I feel things differently.
Because my weirdness and craziness isn’t just a show; it’s me.
I wont ever forget you and I don’t know if that’s just my memory or if its love.
What scares me the most is that you hate it here so much that I am just a phase.
To just help you get through.
But to me, you are so much more.
You are the last thing on my mind before I go to bed and the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Seeing your face makes me want to go to chapel, sit down dinner, and study hall.
Because you. You are so much more to me than you will ever know.
And to think that you can just forget about me in an instant scares me more than anything.
So lets make these memories last forever.
Lets do stupid things and talk to each other until midnight.
Because all that matters to me is you.
And im too young to know if that’s love or what; but I don’t want to forget.
Everyone is leaving; all my friends and now you.
And what really ***** is there is nothing I can do about it.
No matter how much I love you, or reminisce on these memories your leaving.
And im staying here; walking on these paths for the next 3 years.
What am I supposed to do when you leave?
I don’t know yet to be honest.
Right now it seems impossible; but ive been through more then you know.
Moving on seems to always be a reoccurring struggle in my life.
So hopefully ill move on; but how is that possible?
How can I move on when every little thing reminds me of you?
Every class I go to, every chair I sit in, every sit down dinner I go to… so many things.
And yet I probably only cross your mind when you glance at me through a window.
I smile not because I am happy but in hopes that you will fall for my smile as hard as I fell for yours.
Every motion I make, every sound I say is all for you.
So how can I possibly move on?
How can I possibly try and live life without you?  
And that’s why it hurts the most.
Because when you leave I can only hope that you don’t forget.
Forget us.
Because I think… I think I love you.
From now until my last breath its you and no one else.
So please. Don’t let our memories fade.
Don’t let us go.