I feel out of place and unwelcome
an extra in a circle of people closer to each other than they are to me
maybe it's because my best friend was so embarrassed by what I act like when I'm angry-drunk she won't accept my apology
or another close friend always chooses herself over me time and time again
so I'm just wondering if everybody makes mistakes then how come not everybody sees their own?

it wavers back and forth like the moon and the sun switch places
I think it's because I loved you too much
that now I don't know how not to

on days where the sun shines brighter than your eyes ever sparkled
I don't miss you
on days where my mood slips I find comfort in torturing myself with what could have been

some place inside my mind I know that first loves are a lesson
and I wish us both content at the least

a piece of advice I took with no regret
"don't spend your time with a living cigarette"
he'll hook you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear
and before your pretty doe eyes will he disappear
a smoker is a joker and you're not in on this one
though it may seem like you're his babe and his ***
he burns quick and bright, you'll always want more
you'll lick your lips forever like a cigarette *****

you used to tell me you'd follow me into the dark
but now I'm sure you wouldn't even glance at me in the light
after all we've been through, here I am, frozen and stark
oh what I'd give for one more late night fight
ending in twisted sheets
and you'd kiss the tears off my sullen face
remind me of the time our eyes would first meet

I need to hear from you that you don't want me
or I'll keep thinking that you do

because the last few times you saw me
your hands wouldn't leave my body
wide eyed hoping not to get caught

you're out of my sight and i'm out of your mind
somewhere in between is what we lost so long ago
even though we haven't exchanged anything more than a glare
in the past couple years
I think of you every day
I search for you in everyone
and I am not prepared to watch your fingers spin records
nor do I want to see people enjoying your presence
mostly because I can't
you used to be the bad boy who was good for me (or so I thought)
now you are memories of a different time
I wonder if you ever sit alone and think of how I'm doing

when my name falls from someone's lips do you look up?

my heart withered from your poison ivy touch
every inch of me itching to burn you down
to find your roots, to chop them up
so that you would never grow again

instead I rushed the other way
out of your toxic and treacherous grasp
I am free yet confined in these ivy leaves
now dead and brown
no life left
no fight left