Everything we do, has a consequence. So if you plan on wrapping me around your finger, you best prepare to lose circulation.

Don't talk to me like you know me
Talk to me like you love me
She just wants him to adore her
Even if she yells at him and says words she doesn’t mean
Or if she sings out of tune, or that her hair is frizzy
Or she doesnt wear make up, or if she swears too much
Or if she wants to believe in love, but at the same time she doesn't.
She wants to be that girl. The one he cant stop thinking about
The one who looks pretty in a neon pink rain coat in the rain
With her hair dripping water in thin streams of uncontrolling.
She doesnt want it to be love, though that would be nice.
But she wants him to tell her that she is special
And that she is his one. And that he cares about her
In the morning and the afternoon and in the night
And especially when its raining
With her mascaras running and her hair laying flat
On her rain soaked face.

I've been looking for a life boat in your eyes
Looking for an fire escape through your hands
So please refrain from trying to comfort me
When you tell me that the last life boat is gone
And the escape ladder has already been burned away.

Dress up in your Sunday best like god hasn’t seen you at your worst

Maybe I learned it face down into a pillow
          Feeling heavy day old mascara lift off light eyes, salvaging the reputation
that enervates, dead-beat bones. Maybe it was the way
     Boys seized at your hair
         only to learn that man-handling pins down your sanity
Left wondering if he really thought you were a *****.
    Maybe it was how I’d cut
         my knees scaling the rock invested grounds
of the alley between our houses; slitting my legs
     into paper cut towns, rolling with vigor. Maybe it was how you
         Didn’t learn to exist without being wanted
How the right amount of despondent desperation in a voice would launch her hips,
     and they’d sit layered in his smoke and your culpability,
         compulsive, taking in the show. Wishing you hadn’t attended
Or maybe it was how we read each other romance novels
     in the lunchroom, sharing particulars
          of genitals and true love.
Maybe it was the way we learned to be quiet
     our insides begging for touch one more time, the sweetness
          we discovered in the bones of each others backs, in the closeness
I felt when you told me about your relationship with your mother
    Maybe it was the face close, Lips on the side of a neck.
           Fingers run down your spin. His we still aren’t together
I wonder when Haley comes back. The way he alone,
     creates the complete ruination of a half broken body.
           The way I loved him anyway
the way you learn to stay quiet.

I had a record.
3 years of highschool
And not once, had I cried over a boy
Not
Even
Once.
You my dear,
Really ****** that one up.
3 months and 14 days
After you pinky promised
We'd try, and that we would keep each other
In the loop
You forgot to tell me
That your "jesus loving" " babe" existed.
So now I'm left
Thinking I was special
And that you were different
But actually I'm just an emotional teenage girl
And you're a ****-faced *******
Whom I wasted 8 months and 14 days loving

We are acting as juvenile
as two middle school kids
convinced their in love
when all they do is hold hands
and maybe sit together at lunch.
If they are feeling brave.  

This is as pointless
as straightening my hair
when the rain dribbles down
begging to invade my smoothness
and turn it into a waste of time.

This is as painful
as running with shin splints
and pushing on anyways.
Except it hurts on the inside.

This is as over
as it is.
and i would like to say
i am sorry for not being more okay
with juvenile pointless pain.

Where do you want to go to college?  
Excuse me, while i go take advil to clear my head.
What do you want to be when you graduate?
One minute please, i just have to go have a quick panic attack.
Why did you drop spanish 4? Are you crazy?
Ill be right back, i just can't really breathe right now.
You know that if you don't get yourself together you'll be living at home?
Ill just be one second, i suddenly feel like i have to throw up.
Emma. Stop avoiding the problem, you won't get anywhere with that attitude.
Believe me i know. Maybe if i just go to slept for a bit...
If you work hard now, you'll be much happier later.
Thats what people say, but why can't i be happy now too?
Maybe you could get into Berkley, they look for special talents, you know.
Special talents like what? Im pretty good at memorizing lyrics to songs that no one knows.
What are you thinking, you need at least a 3.4 GPA to make it.
really though i can't breathe.
We aren't made of money, if we can't afford school and you don't get a scholarship...
Please stop, i really don't feel well.
Did you do well on the math test?
My stomach can't handle this.
My brain can't handle this.
I just can't handle this.

Our cluster of disfunction consists of
wake up and miss you
get up and text you saying i ****** it up again
Understand that in order to make up
means you can't **** it up
and then you realize that you are being held
to certain expectations.
This is were we crumble
wake up dread you
get up ignore your texts asking how i am
Understand that if i ignore anymore of your texts
this will be over and our nights of quoting jack johnson
and eating red gummy bears cause your ******
and me eating green ones just because they taste like fruit
will
be
over.
And every ******* time,
i give it up.
I willingly sacrifice my wits to over thinking
to the little things that make my brain turn and turn and turn
and let them spin and spin and eventually explode.
And then i tell you.
I never lie even though you think i do.
i promise you on my dead dogs grave
i never stopped loving you
i just can't put myself in a situation
like so many times before i am nailed to a stake that has all the things
people expect from me taped to my vulnerable body
and i never stopped loving you
but see i never started loving myself
so the trust you have so kindly filled me up with
just drains out because i have holes in my feet
where the faith seeps out and fans out into a pool similar to blood all around me.
And now we start again.
Wake up and miss you
though this time i don't have the luxury of talking to you because you hate me more than i hate myself.

Someday when the birds learn how to mock our cries of scrutiny
You will gravitate away from the floor that is magnitized with your mistakes
Will you change your polar relevancy and float away in such a manner that you can hear the birds screech about trivial actions that somehow became your reputation.

When i first met you
you told me you could do a 360
on a wave
with your boogy board.
I told you i liked to paint
because you looked like a painter.
First of all i was lying.
I can't paint pictures
but i love to paint souls.
I love to splatter them with vibrant memories
and to add on to your mind with soft strokes of pastels.
I would love it more than anything
if you were a painter of souls too.
I need someone to paint my mind
something other than dark moody red and browns.
It would be lovely if you could paint me with yellows
and teals and pinks.
Maybe ill even let you paint my heart
Maybe ill even paint yours.

Could you refrain from pointless text messages
that force me to politely respond
when all i want to do is pour out my thoughts
about how you really need to move on
because you've already been replaced with a boy who has more freckles than you do
and who doesn't have a constant need to be dominant.
Could you please stop smiling at me in the hallway like we are still friends
because we aren't and no matter what you convince yourself
you will never convince me that we were anything but an experiment
to see if two people could really spend the same day of every week
at the same time
doing the same thing
and fall in love within the limits
of our parents
and the answer is no its not possible
and you can't convince me that its love
despite how many times those 3 words escaped my mouth
i will not let myself believe that your everlasting need for competition
and my constant shrinking is what love is
and that the fact that whenever i see you i get irritated
is what happens when two people stop loving each other.
I don't believe that thats even possible
and if love is truly one person growing and the other shrinking
one falling in love even more and the other suffocating in resentment
then i want nothing to do with it.

You act like liquid
conform to your surrounding
rearranging all the things that define you.

you are trying to scratch off your freckles
Widen your eyes with your fingers
**** your stomach in.

i wasn't prepared for an attempted killing.
I was wearing a low cut shirt that said "I ****** your girlfriend"
and even after assuring him that my clothing wasn't meant to mean anything, he tried to killed me anyways.
I was a little drunk
He came after me still.
I wasn't carrying  pepper spray.
I didn't make it clear to the criminal that i had feelings
that i wasn't consenting him to **** me.
It's logic isn't it?
Who consents for someone to try to **** them?

Now replace all forms of **** with ****.
i wasn't prepared for an attempted ****.
I was wearing a low cut shirt that said "I ****** your girlfriend"
and even after assuring him that my clothing wasn't meant to mean anything, he tried to **** me anyways.
I was a little drunk
I wasn't carrying  pepper spray.
I didn't make it clear to the criminal that i had feelings
that i wasn't consenting him to **** me.

2-8% of ****** go to jail.
Despite the mounds of evidence against them.
No one say someone was murdered because they "asked for it" or "knew the risks"
Why should i have to dictate my life over the fear of potentially being abused.

Make sure she's tall but not taller than you.
Make sure he's opinionated but knows how to be quiet
Make sure she's invested in something, but not too much because thats just annoying.
She should be skinny but not boney
Curvy but not fat.
He should have a certain hair color but not dyed
Her Hair long but not frizzy
He's Kind but not passive
She's Smart but not smarter than you
Once high school began I realized that people are smallest between grades 9-12.
This is when you start letting other people crawl in the the gapping hole
Which is the negative space that used to be self confidence.
You stop being proud of your sailing bruises because people say that they look ugly on your legs
You stop dying your hair because people say they like natural
You start to nod at the ignorant things that enter your ears
And start to ask others if you have the right to be angry.
Taking up space begins to be a challenged you have to concentrate on
Because the galaxies that you were apart of before
Start to shrink to just a single planet.
Stop saying that you don’t, care when you do
And stop changing yourself for anyone other than your own two eyes
Stop accepting words that prove that they know you
And start asking people to talk to you like they love you.
Take in the people that love you because of your sneeze
And because that you take pride in your scars.
That will still want to play with your hair if its short and blue
Take the people that love you for things you can’t change.
Teach people that the difference between love and lust is friendship
That just because you call them your best friend doesn't mean you’ve friend zoned them.
That just because they can regurgitate facts about you, doesn't mean they care about you.
Dye your hair green
Cry because you succumbed to their wishes of straight hair and skimpy clothes
Leave them because they encouraged you to.
Deny the next persons demands
Take up space and don’t apologize for it.

She accepted love
That was torn and ripped.
Love that had sharp curves
And cut into her soft skin.
She accepted what she could steal
Because love was love.
Right?
She accepted second hand kisses
And lies in the form of promises
But love was love
And promises were promises.
Right?
She accepted affection
that made her cry.
But affection was affection.
Right?
Wrong.
Get out little girl,
Run while you still can.
Love doesn't mean
That it has to hurt
Promises don't have to be hard
Affection doesn't have
to make you cry.
He is bad
No matter the excuses
That he makes
He is bad
If he makes you feel like
tangled licorice ribbon
He is bad.
Get out little girl
Run while you still can.

It is the season of summer
which means my face will be all roses
before noon.
Which means I am celebrating the happenings
of those I wish had wanted me back
and those I will never want in return.
The air is thick with fog
like an open mouth filled with smoke
consistent with melancholy regret

Tangled blonde ripples being torn through by the harsh fingers of your sister

the same way that he pulls through them now

The church was laced with sculptures and paintings of Jesus leaving most of the family feeling unholy. One girls red lace bra strap peeked out from under her black knit sweater, and to further the discomfort was blatantly hidden by a prudish and insensitive aunt who wore her hair in a too-tight bun. “You may feel a sense of happiness during the ceremony” claimed a sit-in priest before we went to sit in the pews. He then left the immediate family to enter when ready, leaving the room black on black on heartbroken.

To be guilty of stepping on cracks in hope that your mother breaks.

Stepping on daisies and crushing all the four leaf clovers you can find.

Thats the reason that i found her toothbrush
Got kicked out of school
Can’t find anyone who doesn’t make me feel less.

When I was little my father
Used to take me to the beach
With my tiny baby body wrapped up in his arms and
His coat that fit the 6 foot 8 inched
Man with room for an extra 4 foot girl
Who was too cold to walk by herself.
I loved the sea only beach it
Provided the beach
Which provided the walks
Which resulted in my dad with the
Extra large, forest green windbreaker.
I didn’t care for the ice cold water
Or the frigid air
Only for the effect that It had, that ended
With me inside that forest green windbreaker.
I didn’t even really like the walk because 2
Of my legs equaled one of his
But I loved how 2 of his arms equaled
One of my 4 foot bodies.

I need to learn how not to open my mouth
in desperation to fill the empty silence
that should've been words
if this were to work.
I need to understand that maybe
your not saying anything simply
because you have nothing to say
not because your angry or bored
but simply because you don't need to say anything
why do i need to say anything anyways
i always just blurt some
ignorant, high pitched statement
that honestly has nothing to do with us

The type of silence that can't lie for anything, who everyone knows that something is itching to seep out of her mouth, yet it only seeps out her eyes and not everyone can read it.

The type of silent that is so loud that you can't ever understand the meaning. The type that refuses to say what they mean, and leaves you with a handful of tissue paper but no gift.

The type of silence that is love letters written on the backs of receipts, that you put up your sleeve. Why do you do that? You'll throw them out anyways.

I feel so small
in the comparison to all of the people
who weave their words
into a web of emotions and thoughts
with confidence.

I feel microscopic
in relation to all the experiences and responsibility
that everyone carries in their complicated minds.

This is because all i have to remember
is to take the chicken *** pie
out of the oven.
and all i have to write about
is how i feel so small

Things people do to avoid talking/acknowledging their feelings.
Are
Change the subject
Play with you’re hair to hide the fact that you’re feeling
Hows the weather down in california?
I saw you today touching someones shoulder
To get them to stop talking about their divorce.
As a matter of fact they probably were trying to pick you up
Which made me feel
Did you dye your hair?
You keep playing with it
Whenever I bring up how we used to sit
And watch movies and talk through them
And how when ever we were having conversations
About our pasts that killed us
You would kiss me in the middle of my sentence
To stop me from opening up.
That specific kiss overwhelmed me with the feeling of
I should just leave and stop talking
Because thats what you did when it got to hard
To realize that you loved me and that I loved you back.

I struggle with the in-between moments.
In between the ice-cold glasses of water
In between the way bodies fit together
In between the way that they suddenly become
two completely different pieces.

FWD: you didn't even have to tell me you lost feelings, I ******* felt it.

You struggle with seeing the important moments.
The day you decided that brown eyes aren't so boring
The day you introduced me to your mother
The day that we had the conversation that changed us from a perfect fit
to a square that a toddler is trying to shove into a rectangle shaped space.
Close but not quite.

FWD: I grew up, you didn't.

I think we both know its best
to forget about it
before we try to remember it
live through it.
I think you know that its best
that we stop trying to make this work
before we turn in to children
running around in a circle
trying to see who get dizzy first.
Maybe I'm a bad bad person
for saying i loved you
and then leaving
but baby i know

Why did you keep your love letters hidden up inside your brain
We both know you were going to throw them out anyways.

If we could love a type of untainted love
we would be alive forever.
But love and hate are bordering countries
and sometimes they wash-up on each others beaches.
We were created by love
So hate is what kills us.

You tasted like every shortcoming I had ever experienced.

My toothbrush thrown on to the ***** floor of an apartment that I had to sneak in and out of. The sound it made mimicked the sound of my ribcage snapping from my heart spilling over with a mixture of relief and guilt. You said that I reminded you of going home when you were small. You never told me you hated your mother

Hearing someone say that you were almost good enough to ****, but turns out you aren't as good of a kisser as they had hoped. Remembering that your first thought was you don't have to kiss to have ***

After nights upon nights of sleeping on couches and finally being invited to sleep in your bed. I had already made myself a make shift nest on the floor, when you told me that you would never let someone like me sleep alone. We kissed and I felt the romantic short-comings spill out of my mouth and into yours.

I should've know you'd spit them back in my face.

Stuggling with something that is not yours to struggle with is difficult. The shortness of breath whenever I try to understand is uncalled for. The tightness in my stomach when I try to write about you is not mine, unexplainable. You did not try to **** me. You did not confide in me. You probably didn’t even think about me. But I think about you. I think about you in a jail cell. I think about you, thinking about what happened. I think things that make me bend over backwards, that make me swallow my tongue, that make me shake. To be truthful, I wonder more than I think. I wonder if you feel alone, I wonder if you even remember. I wonder if defending you is even worth it, because last thing I heard from the internet is that detachment disorder means you never cared about any of us. That it could’ve been me. I could’ve been killed. That you probably didn’t even think twice about it. I wonder if you’ll want me to write to you. I wonder if you’ll be upset that i’m going to your trial. I wonder why. Such a stupid question to answer an already unjustified feeling. Why. People loved you, people wanted to be around you, people wanted you to be happy. Why. You always used to talk to me, you listened you were sympathetic, you cared. Why. Thats what they do Emma, Thats why they’re sick because they know how to manipulate good people. Why. You aren’t bad, you aren’t crazy, you’re hurt,  and you’re alone. Why. I have dreams about you, that you’ve come back, that there was a mistake. Why do I miss you, it probably could’ve been me.

In the event

that I am left parched of purpose
abirritate the parts of me that are left gaping.
and imply to me that not all hagiarchies are holy

and in the event

that I am kissed on the hand by a saint
that has been through the process of heterotransplantation
remind me that I long ago gave up the study of frogs.

because in the event

I am left with only those maliferous lips
that emulate cainotophobia
press me to say that I deserve to grow

In the event that all is pressuring me to shrink

Sometimes you sit empty
bleeding out
red on the rug.

I want you to come back
and lay with me on the rocks
with our hands intertwined
on top of my soft stomach.
Arguing about whether
people are overrated or not.

I want you to realize
Realize how much of me you have in your hand.
Handle me a little more gently.
Gentleman who barge and crash aren't looked upon fondly.
Fondling with my feelings isn't something I'm ok with.
Without you I collapse into pieces.
Piece me back together.
Together until I'm one
One without you.

To grow up means to exhale
All that you've inhaled as a child and to inhale adult mindsets.
Breathe out. I will grow into what in meant to be.
Breathe in. I will create myself into something of my choosing
Breathe out. I want something that has instant gratification
Breathe in. I want to be happy tomorrow too
Breathe out. I have to find someone that makes me better
Breathe in. *I will make myself better

Ask me why the tea cups have faces on them
Ill tell you how they laugh at things when its not appropriate for me to.

Ask me about why they are filled with shots of tequila
and I'll say that tea doesn't make this conversation any easier.

I find it so astonishing
that people can stand
to marry or date
or be friends with people
who aren't pretty on the inside
that don't think thoughts
but just recreate what has been
forced into their mouths.
I find it so astonishing
that humans are exactly
as materialized and shallow
as we make ourselves out to be

Age 6 when my best friend got a new puppy
Well you might have gotten a new puppy, but my cat does magic in the attic at 12am every night'

Age 14 when my teacher announced in front of the class that i was the only one who got a 100
I didn't even study

Age 16 when i lost my virginity
Yes I'm ready and i love you too

Age 16 when i broke up with the boy i lost my virginity to
We can still be friends, and no i don't regret anything

Age 17
*Ill think of you even when I'm in college and everytime i ***** someone else

You can claim
That you were unaware
Of the disaster your body would create
Because mouths say what brains think
And hands touch what hearts want
And sometimes you feel like
You're being controlled
not by your soul
But by a group of ruthless
limbs and organs
That could be exchanged
when you die anyways.

I only cry in the shower
Because you feel your eyes start to blur
But maybe it's from the steam
Not from the wrecking ball of emotions

I only cry in the shower
Because no one can come in
And see you falling apart
They can't even hear you

I only cry in the shower
Because you can't tell the difference
Between the water from the shower head
And your own tears
And for some reason I feel comfort in that

You're sitting on bench outside a class you're skipping
smoking a cigarette you know won't be your last
with a person you don't really love
because you think it won't matter in the end anyways.

I hate it
more than anything else
when people negatively comment
on how much energy someone has.
No need to be so excited  
Yes there is sir.
As a matter of fact
we have a great need to be excited.
We have to make up
for all the negative
grumps like you.

The room is thick with humidity from bodies that pulse to the beat of each lung's exasperated sputter of breath. Your mouth is thick with want. Want to say, want to bite, want to cling to those that your hands don't have the strength to hold.

They are tall. They have freckles. Their voice is presumably lower than yesterday. They make you laugh. They look at you when you speak. They answer your calls at 1am. They smell nice. Their smile, their hands, their vibrance can suddenly invade your conscious and you aren't really sure how they never did before.

Jealousy is how you say my name
To show distain
Regret
Resentment
But underneath
To show pride
To show that you still believe you can get me back
That I made a mistake
And that we were in love
Despite that it was just lust
Laced with pretty words
To justify our intentions
Of banging the living daylight out of each other
And it was you that made me feel like I had to justify myself
Because *** is something beautiful, and meaningful
Was something lovely and inatmite
Until you made it shameful.
You say my name to brag about how
You were in love with a girl who was ***** and impure
A girl who confused lust and love
A girl who got lost in your intentions
A girl who was not in love with you.

He wanted a housewife not a hurricane*

He wanted to converse about how the liberals were eliminating the idea of evil.
He wanted to go on picnics in the afternoon at the beach.
He wanted to argue over things like finances and how to parent his children.
He wanted her biggest problem to be what color to paint the nursery
and what the most nutritious thing for dinner was.

She was the liberal. Everyone was born good, and those who acted evil had been in environments that poisoned their brains.
She wanted to go on picnics at night in the graveyards, and do satanic rituals to make deals with the devil.
She wanted to throw things, scream about things that she was passionate about.
She didn't want kids. She wanted to be chaotic.

Yet they fell in love anyways.

h

Women washing their hair
Down the drain of lost cause and subpar advances
Strands cling to necks, to fingers, to *******.
You cling to hands, to shoulders, to waists
But just like the dead pieces of myself
You go down the drain.

I had always wanted to grow my hair long
So watching it spin around
With the suds from my shampoo
Was a little like saying goodbye to you.
I knew I wanted it to stay attached to my body
But that I needed to let it go so I could grow
Longer
Healthier hair.

So I lather it in conditioner and use a wide tooth comb
To get rid of all the left over pieces.
But even when I get rid of the dead hair
Its still stuck in my drain.