He wanted a housewife not a hurricane*

He wanted to converse about how the liberals were eliminating the idea of evil.
He wanted to go on picnics in the afternoon at the beach.
He wanted to argue over things like finances and how to parent his children.
He wanted her biggest problem to be what color to paint the nursery
and what the most nutritious thing for dinner was.

She was the liberal. Everyone was born good, and those who acted evil had been in environments that poisoned their brains.
She wanted to go on picnics at night in the graveyards, and do satanic rituals to make deals with the devil.
She wanted to throw things, scream about things that she was passionate about.
She didn't want kids. She wanted to be chaotic.

Yet they fell in love anyways.

i'm having a really difficult time
trusting the process.
That if i do everything
that is expected of me
i will be okay.
Because I've done
almost everything right
and i am most definitely
not okay

The ode to saying yes before you should.
To allowing yourself to let him take
much more than you were ever sure you wanted to give.

Write so that people can relate to you. Consider your audience.
I do not put my thoughts on paper, so that i can ease the minds and feed the mouths of the people who can't take my being. I don't need to relate to anyone, because i am enough of a human to move mountains myself.
2. Write so you get all your feelings out and move on.
I write to have something to remember my state of mind. Because when my experience has packed up and moved on, how will i relive my puddle jumping, my cigarette burning through your ***** wife beater, my tear stained photographs.
3. Make sure to edit your work for grammar.
********, you're irrelevant if you tell me this

Kneeling on bruised knees
Holding callused hands
breaking already broken hearts
you wait for someone to help you fix your voice.
You've been raspy for a while now
never having been this half spoken
The words just get caught in your throat on the way up
half because you don't want anyone else to hear them
and half because you forgot what its like to be heard.

Why does growing up seem so amazing
when your 11 years old?
Why do you want so badly
to receive trust
or independence?
Because to get that
you need knowledge.
and knowledge
requires seeing your heroes
turn human

Blue spit laced with the sour taste of pining
for someone other than the one you love.
The tea bag immersed in blood red water
thats the same color as the hands that were
supposed to catch.
Everyones eyes that are looking and not understanding
Yeah ******* too.

n

And sometimes i wish that i could pull my teeth out and
feed them to your new girlfriend.
Because she doesn't like Good Will Hunting and
is afraid of lady bugs.
And god knows she needs some fangs
because she's mostly bark
and even when she does bite
its only soft gums that barely penetrate your skin
and i pity you for dating someone
who seems to take after my mother
and i wonder if maybe
i was born into the wrong life.

You taught me how to voice my opinions and goals
then you taught me to be ashamed of having dreams.
You taught me how to take it one day at a time
then you taught me to hope for tomorrow to be better.
You taught me to laugh out loud at everything
then taught me to laugh even when it wasn't funny.
You taught me to wear my heart on my sleeve
then you taught me that the consequence is people can spit all over it.
You taught me how to stay
and then i taught you how to leave.

Absentee opinions accompanied by a faulty mouth
I hang in the silence in noose of other peoples needs.

I wanted to be special in the eyes of someone else
I played the body of her, while you imagined her face on mine until you realized

I am not her
Will not be her
Cannot be imagined as such.

For this I cried
and for that I feel empty.

Throw up your words and worries all over my lap
until you are left with nothing but an empty brain
and a quivering body sprawled out on my floor.

Spill the ideas of someone else’s existence
all over my new shirt
and don’t even offer to clean it.  

Fallen face first into a puddle of your word *****
with a *** and coke stained blouse
I will clean it up  for you anyways

My future is probably all sprawled out on his girlfriends bed
Just like you’re sprawled out on mine
Both crossing their fingers for forever.

Don't put other peoples feelings before your own for too long. You can act selfless sometimes, but not forever.
2. Don't debate whether you have a right to feel the way you do. Emotions aren't there to be questioned.
3. Stop saying i hate you as a result of spontaneous frustration. Because you don't hate them.
4. Let your heart embrace all the positivity it can. Try things, experience things, say yes if you have even one inkling of interest.
5. Cut out the negativity (go back to #1)
6. Eat healthy. Drink a glass of water before those Now or Laters. Then eat them.
7. Write more.
8. Learn to *** in public and no be uncomfortable. Everyone in there is there to ***, you aren't special.

I used to dream about a place filled
with things that other people forgot to love
all cramped up in cages
all for sale.
I go to the cash register that is
accompanied by a gruff old man with
***** finger nails and ****** knuckles
and i ask how much it is to buy the whole store.
He asks me why, while glaring at
my cherry halter dress and reading my chapped pink lips.
He snaps that only people who
never had the capacity to love in the first place
could possibly run the store.
I tell him that i want to love them all
and that is all i ever wanted
even though I'm just realizing this now.
I place my neatly groomed hands on his grimy countertop and
I tell him that when i get a hold of this place
ill let them all out of the cages
and water the plant
and feed the dogs
hug the humans
dress up the dolls
and wear all the jewelry.
He replies with a swift punch to the counter top too close to my open palms that have just now reached to hold his hands
This noise causes all the babies to start crying
and i am thankful that my mother hated me enough to never have another child
I cautiously take my hands back
and tell him that i never had anyone to give love to
and that i have enough to go around now.
His face changes from a stone frown
slowly to an evil grin and he begins to approach me.
He grabs my thin boney wrists and forces me into a cage that has a wilted flower in it
the cage is right next to an old woman.
I scream and shake the cage and tell him i have enough love.
He shakes his head and says
not enough to save yourself.
I cry and look down and see a raggity ann doll.
She has makeup smeared all over her sewed on lips
and i vaguely remember doing the same thing to mine
before i lost it under my bed
and before i gave up trying to look for her.
I run my fingers through her hair
and cry because i know now how easy it is to forget.

You were put in the same Lit class as the boy with ****** knuckled and a taste for poison
So he could beat your heart into a tiny ball of tangles veins and crushed muscle, and then throw up his whole stomach onto it.
He was there so that you could decide that your heart looked better intact.

The first time was tedious.
I counted 55 tiles on the ceiling to the rhythm
of frantic pumping of teenage desperation.
This promptly ended in a high five and
now my friends won't make fun of me for being a ****** anymore.
Thanks

The second time was filled with
I don't want to have *** today
and always ended in a blur
of make shift *******
and wanting to be far away on the other side
of the newly christened couch.

The third time made me cry
I had never let anyone take me from behind
So when the first thing you asked me to do was lay on my stomach
I felt the need to please someone who I had never met
and to be the girl that you needed.
So I faced the mattress and immediately felt your hand
push my cheek into the pillow case.
This was the only time you were able to finish.

The fourth time I felt wanted.
The next day I felt isolated.
I still think about you and you still don't make eye contact

I needed the fifth time to be good.
I needed to feel better
I needed you to be a good person.
I should've know no one ever ***** me to give me what I need
Its always selfish.

You will be lonely
he will not know better.
That is not an excuse

Things do not happen for a reason because
All they know how to do
is happen

I hate this
I hate myself
for knowing what i wanted
for knowing you weren't able to give it to me
for doing it anyways.

We came home.
She got sick overnight
over an hour
over a minute.
Over a dinner table conversation
Over a “i think we need to talk.”
I felt nothing.
We came home
She got sick
I felt my mother turning into
something more like a child
that needed to be tiptoed around
because she could no longer feel the sun
or the salt that was from anywhere but her eyes.
Leaving me to try to make shift something as wonderful as the sunlight

Teach yourself to let emotions
pour loudly and unapologetically out of your mouth.

Learn to decipher the intentions of your peers
and learn to by pass all those who cannot handle your full extent.

There is a certain amount of pressure in the fact that we live somewhere we can basically determine our own fate. The idea that one can simply change their life by filing for divorce, changing religion, applying for a new job makes it that you have no reason to whine, or ***** about your current situation. This is terrifying. The entirety of your life is placed on your shoulders and your shoulders only. In another country things might be laid out for you. Who you marry, what your job is, how your expected to act. I don't wish for this type of life, and i recognize that there is a different kind of pressure, but the type i am most afraid of is right in my own backyard. The expectation that you are in charge of you and if success isn't in your future its because you made it that way.

You feel guilty for wishing
he didn't love you as much as he does
It makes you feel like you're letting him rob you
of the ability to have problems with a relationship
to experience heartbreak
to experience unsolicited love.
He gives you nothing to write about
yet you can't tell him that because he hasn't done anything wrong
other than loving you the exact way a person would want to be loved.
In the times of experimenting you're promising him that
he is as beautiful of the stars
and he'll tell you you are as beautiful as the moon
except you want to be the sun.
The fiery hot mass of untouchable energy.
But how can you ask someone to love you less
so you can experience unneeded hurt.
It makes no sense
and is impossible to fix
because you don't want to be 30 someday
wishing that someone would love you the way he did

I want someone to write about
Someone who will bend me over a gravestone
and make jokes about ******* the life out of me.

its not okay, if its only okay for you

The water coming from the shower head
is  cleansing
yet burning
and i put it all the way up
so that i can prepare myself for hell.

His kisses were safe but never made me feel anything
Yours make me feel like i could fit our galaxy inside my body
but despite both
i want to be the one to make myself feel something

Freshman year we went camping for 3 days
I loved the scenery but hated staying there
i guess thats how you perceived me

Your head was so big that there wasn't even room for my body
In a place full of people i thought the most important person was you
In a car with the two of us, you also thought it was you.

The strobe lights are invading my sights
The smell of bodies creep into my nose
The room is shaking
but i feel nothing but you.

One day i woke up
and we no longer spoke the same language
that we had been speaking yesterday.
Always wasn't in my vocabulary
yet it had been replaced with forever in yours.

I refuse to let you wrap me up
in your ***** hands.
Because you will only hold me for so long
before you remember that I'm not what you want.

I keep trying to start this
in a way that gets my feelings across
but that is incredibly difficult
when i don't even know what my feelings are.
I don't know what i want to happen
or for you to
say or
do or act.
I don't know what i should
say or
do or act.
I hate being in the dark with you
because i can only swing blindly
for what you want.
I wish i hadn't met you
because no happiness is worth
this
much
stress

Praying with your hands tied together

With you
i am attached to reality

Without you
i could float past the clouds.

You're on your way to college
And suddenly you're singing
along to all the songs that you
listened to when you were sad
in middle school.

Why is it that I let myself settle for less.
For the 60 seconds of being the most important person in the almost empty room

Have you ever noticed
that poems are kind of like
paragraphs except
with
many
indentations.

Play my heart stings
the way that you attempted
to make noise from an untuned guitar.

Sometimes I try to write about you
and how you crushed me into little
pieces of broken heart.
And how you let me sail away in an ocean of
peach flavored *****, and didn't even come to wave me off.

I try to write about how you made me feel small
and unwanted.
How i couldn't manage to handle it gracefully
like girls in the movies do.

But all I can ever think is ******* for clouding my brain and making me unable to do the only thing that makes me feel important.

Mistaken silence for criticism

Laying in the car on my back
Trying to trick myself into believing
It warm and sunny
And realizing how easily I can lie
To myself, and it scares me.

It was never about how you made me feel
It was about pretending that I was happier than I was
It was about how I felt intellectually supreme when I took a drag of your cigarette and stared out onto the ocean.

It was never about my attraction to you
It was about being a more sexually liberated college girl
It was about pretending and wishing that I could handle being unattached

It was never about being with you
It was about Far Far Away being so close
It was about feeling different than how I wished I wasn't perceived

I dare you to reclaim yourself as human of the year
don’t be scared
You have won.
You are so inconceivably right.
I am, a matter of fact a piece of property
And I can’t thank you enough,
For making people ask for your permission
To touch me in ways that you never could.
Thank god I have you to set some boundaries
Cause god knows if I didn't
I might actually become...
Happy?
Thats silly because you make me happy
With your ability to set expectations
For me, made by you
Thank god none of them surpass
Your abilities because I may find out ...
I can do better?
So reclaim yourself as human of the year
Everyone always hates the phoenix
And I'm sure
That I hate you.

I heard you ****** it up again
It never feels right and you are left empty
on the couch with the taste of someone who won't kiss you goodnight.

You were there to either be saved
Or to be made an example of.
You were between too much pressure
or insanity.
You were old enough to know better
but young enough to fail to meet your own needs.
You were stable enough to pretend to be content
but sick enough to try to commit ******.
You knew me long enough to tell me most things
but different enough to not tell me anything.
I love you enough to visit you in prison
but am stupid enough to be scared of you.

Everyone will open their already satisfied arms
and welcome your starving body
as if they could feed you
without actually filling your body
with the intense affection you need.

They'll place their calloused hands
onto your soft ones that are directly attached
to your newly broken heart
and tell you that just because it hurts now
doesn't mean it'll hurt forever.
Tell that to your own hands mom.

When laying on the bathroom floor
With your thin highlighted hair being
Held up by my shaking hands,
I realized that you were my best friend.

We can kiss. We can kiss, and only be friends. And we can tell ourselves that it'll stay the same, because for a while, it will. We can continue to kiss, and continue to go on with our days like it doesn't effect us. But if we do proceed to let our lips touch, then someday it'll hit us. That things like this don't happen for fun, or because of physical attraction. They happen because somewhere along the lines, we decided in order to go on with our days, we needed those kisses. And the day they don't happen, will be the day that things change

Maybe id be a better daughter
if you were a better mother

Why do we waste so much time on things that don't make us happy