mantra and insolence hand in hand
intercepting the idea of the baby boy crush applying to me like kinetic sand
barbie dolls at the marriott
saccharine jewels in the sewers rot
with
the old girlie i had a tap on
lipstick peeling away like a deteriorated vinyl record's song
let the angels waver, barter, become sicker
and quote 'say anything' as if it's a 90s sticker
have *****-stained carpet posted
and
uploaded to the black market webs
caption it "****** me"
and let the media do the rest
tired of these wicked games
isaac position me with rachel some day
at the mosque, eve and ann is scratched out into the old testament books
pack the bags
let's go
the hilton's booked
etch and sketch situated on the train tracks
along with two birds together
feet lazily dangling
bargaining with god to finish them over
****** denial, toothbrush stuffed in the dog's mouth
ran down the line, kissing him to the south
lost the baby girl along the way
let the dirt do the talking
gargled some milk and jack daniels honey
in large arms, lucid dreaming never seemed so calming

we could have the summers in italy
the peaches in paradise
the dawns and the dusks and our toes in the sand
but we're doing the vtc and ecstasy
listening to scratched disks and taking shots of drain water
dreamers only think in French you tell me
so i chant the words
je veux tout in my head
i want the nutmeg stuck on the walls in my nose
and your moans in my ear till 4 after midnight
i want the silk sheets wrapped around my neck
the tongues in my mouth
i want to get familiarized with the richness
when a balenciaga shoe hits me and the euros are in my bloodstream
i want to be used to it
     the velvet carpets and red lingerie
     the colosseum and vatican city
     busboys with scruffy berets
     expensive wine in busted hotels
     chocolate fondue and burnt pasta at the cartels
     michelangelo's david and authentic fur coats
     tramps and 2 dollar bills down your throat
     throwing ash trays at the sistine chapel
     gifts of china tea cups and diamond rings to forget the scandals
     fat cigars and the bonnie and clyde lifestyle
i want it all in italy baby

je veux tout
je veux tout

hey I want to play a game

let's play the game where you say I look good with him and I laugh, thinking it's an insult
let's play the game where I can't see him as a friend anymore after you said that
let's play the game where I contemplate my feelings towards him
let's play the game where I imagine a life with him because I fall so fast
let's play the game where being locked in the storage room for several years makes me afraid that he's a boy
let's play the game where I pick him apart to rebel against myself
let's play the game where I tear myself apart because he isn't my dream girl
let's play the game where I think about him for three months and it breaks me
let's play the game where I accidentally fall in love
let's play the game where I risk my heart and confess on a Tuesday
let's play that game where I'm crying in my best friend's hair and everyone passes by saying he wasn't worth it anyway
let's play the game where I wait for 8 days tearing my head apart
let's play the game where he finally calls and says "I want to be with you"
let's play the game where I get all I ever wanted
let's play the game where I'm happy with the love of my life and he's happy to be with me
let's play the game where he actually loves me too

Never mind, forget it
I don't want this
I don't want to play anymore

it was an anaphora. repeated with repent over and over again. my skin blistered when you thought that heating a metal rod was the way to smoke insomnia away. im stained with regrets, stained with your thoughts, stained with you. red wasn't my color and i wasn't yours. seeing you peel my skin away with a broken bottle set my matches volatile. you made me feel intolerable. looking at a compressed chest and empty lower half wasn't anyone's ideal. seeing you in the mirror was sickening but my throat was burned with the taste of mercury and my hands were covered in biocide. you chopped my head off and let me loose in the tennis courts and i ate braille for breakfast. i became malleable and slitting my throat was to the answer c as was my tongue growing a mouth to the dead bird in the drain. my room was stripped, skin diminished, a phase so to speak dispersed along with my security. forgotten like the gum on a shoe, i scraped my ears clean with barbed wire and drowned everyone's mind with a plate of malaise - i was gone but here at the same time.

the bright, tacky red lipstick I bought you is on your teeth
I swallowed the stick of peachy chapstick you wore the night we kissed
you have a polaroid of my tonsils hanging on your wall
and I have your camera that I stole from your bedroom

I still feel the heat of the summer nights when we were wasted on airheads and milk duds and orange creme soda
I remember what I dreamt the first night we fell asleep next to each other on dead grass

Children laughing as abrasions appeared on their knees
Scratched corneas
Bruising purple as we hit the statues of our ancestors
I'd stare at one mockingly
How do people consider it art
     What is art?

Your body was lifeless next to me when the sun decided to wake me up
Up and down and up - your breathing was irregular

     Now it's your heartbeat
     I feel your pulse through your hand
     Your fingers wrapped in hello-kitty bandaids feel like a barrier
     I need to feel your skin

I brushed my thumb across your lips
     Red's not your color

momma always said that life on the farm wasn't always stingy she said the birds were chirping Roman numerals and the bees buzzed the alphabet sometimes

daddy always said momma's knees were full of salt because grandad made her kneel
momma said childhood was rough once grandad knocked the hummingbirds out with morphine and daddy had to peel their feathers off

sometimes momma would have a seizure and start sputting out random stories that she would remember and then we would go have to quiet her down and bring her to bed
the one story she never tells is the story about me - how I broke her vase
that barnacle was so delicate it cracked when I put too much salt in it

momma heard the wrong bedtime story once and ripped her seed-filled bible in half
she said god gave her a vision and finally tore the dream catcher I have above my bed to see the trains I stuck in my head
she never knew I could be the little girl dreamin of covering her next lover in salt
and the little girl screaming in the crazy box when she had to put miss instead of sir

now momma always said that I would be her little girl but momma never said she would always treat me the same
momma threw a knife at me and said girls belong in the kitchen
momma striped my room clean and said decorations weren't manly
momma yanked my clothes off and pointed to my chest "these aren't supposed to be here"
now daddy always stuck up for me but this point I wasn't daddy's little girl - I was momma's little reject

now momma lost her mind when she found out uncle shared the same name as me
momma threw the cat tails at me and threw me out
momma ripped my life apart and said I was at fault
momma was weeping with the pigs and shot the dogs heart out
momma scratched herself up and declawed the horses
momma went headless with the chickens and skinned herself with salt

momma calmed down when we tied bricks to her feet and dumped her in the river for a bit
now she sits in her rocking chair on the porch, picking out dead flies stuck in honey
every now and then she gets bit and feels a sense of reality
she doesn't talk much anymore so I just stuck the tongue back in my hat

thought a country girl would've been good enough for the folks back home
spent the nights carving in the trees together
sticking wheat in her teeth
and she shoved grass down my throat just to keep me quiet
momma saw me filling my lovers mouth with a tongue and yanked me by my hair
dragged me all the way down the dirt road
momma didn't flinch and quickly had my mouth washed out with salt

a bullet is settled in the pit of my stomach as foreign arms are wrapped around me
the pain is comforting, but it's only temporary
the steady drum of your heart as my acquaintances drink their life away
i hear your apologies and compliments
you paint my skin red
my heart aches because in a few months, i'll be gone with only lead poisoning to remind me of you
the scratches won't scar and bruises won't stain
apple whiskey was never so comforting
you've read my book and wanted to be a chapter
you'll only be a few pages worth
i'm sorry for your attachment to me
just know, i'll never stop thinking about your gun between my legs and the exhilarating fear you made me feel

breaking wrists, bruised upper lips
chewing cigarettes like they're chalk sticks
breathing in, let's let go
throwing shoes over the barbed wire
and inhaling november rain to soothe this
this is the mediocre
let's blow **** up with dynamite
i want to see the end with you
hop in the busted Toyota
play some ****** lofi and let's let loose
bust your head on the dashboard
i want chaotic
run this red light, brake before the train on the track, dine and dash with me, shoplift this bottle of moscato for me
rack up the records
and let's let loose
i'll drink for me and i'll drink for you
i know you hate these nights when you can't reach a high
but i'll count the feathers with you
play with your hair
and hold your hand while we let the car run in your garage
i'll let you ramble about your rendezvous and listen diligently
this is how we can go, i just want to see the end with you
i hope this is good enough

i.    now i'll write this in the melodramatic form everyone has been wanting as "no place like home for the holidays" plays in the background and my mother throws my dad outside while punching him relentlessly

ii.     i break my window and put the broken glass in my bag for memories - it's a stereotypical bag of goodies that contain candy canes, broken teeth, cigarettes, and now my shards of glass

iii.     as i scrap my skin on the rough edges of my window, i decided to be the false underdog named santa tonight and give everyone the sickening hope that the fat man that flies in the sky is actually real

iv.     you'll find me breaking into houses looking for a place to stay and if im lucky enough i'll get caught - my hands in handcuffs lieing in a cell is better than nothing, its more of a home than i'll ever have

v.     let's not forget the phone and keys I've left on my disheveled bed as they wait in the cold winds for i do not plan on returning any time soon nor do I plan on surviving this deathly Alaskan night

vi.     my dog nips in the cold and my mother finds the neon green duct tape under my bed to close the window and lock the door with -
shes been crying for so long that her eyes have welded shut - she mistakens the lump on my bed as me when in fact it's suicide notes for everyone I encountered (even the old lady who threw her glasses at me) and the stuffed animals (I've been collecting them over the years, the ones that were given as gifts)

vii.    one thing remains that i should have taken and it's my shoes I had the silly thought that maybe if i went barefoot my mother would follow my snow trail and look for me but no one will come out at night no one will breathe at night it's just me and broken shards

i wake up at 2:13 every morning cause my body forbids me to sleep and rest, it's just an uncommon thing for a human. why sleep when there's finally silence and no one to disturb your skipping stone acts? let's rise before the sun and break the fire station's glass! who's going to say no? who's going to stop us when everyone is sleep deprived and just wants to go home and rest? oh no. oh wait, here comes forth the poor policeman that pulled himself out of comfort, sleeping with his accomplice's wife, running towards us out of breath and looking useless and insufferable. he must be able to defy the laws of Newton if he feels almighty this night. but don't worry, we'll submit. we'll pick up the glass sir and by pick up i mean abandon it because that's a familiar topic amongst you and other humans, no? when have you ever felt secure and bound to someone? i highly doubt you and your mistress can recall a time, so just use this glass as a metaphor and we'll make our way back before the sun rises and you won't have to deal with i and thee anymore until the day resigns his position and dies.
oh wait, the day a he? the sun a she? how can an orb that produces energy possibly earn a check mark of gender on a useless piece of paper? it cannot. it will not. it'll burn the letters! how comical! that silly orb could burn us instead 'cause at 2:13 in the morning everyone has fallen asleep and no one will be able to notice they're de*d.

it took so long to make my existence possible
money, doctors, and prayers to a mythical man
(desperate attempts to rearrange their cells into an offspring)
only to be given a jawbreaker

hello father
my time with you was short
but your wires keep tightening around me every time I stray (when will my neck finally snap off?)
I don't believe in biological purposes
or anything other than unreasonable spontaneity
my specimen is here simply because it is here
this specimen acknowledges its meaninglessness
what you didn't know didn't hurt you
what you found out through force, did
my portrait is slashed, this painter did a ****** job
you can no longer complain with a slanted mouth
my independency was torn away
my legs were ripped apart, indecency (your waist was too hard to straddle)
placed on a cross only to feel the blood rush to my head
I'll carry on my maiden name so the beliefs oppository to your own will forever be attached to you
I love you but not of free will
my image of you is artificial
so much damage has left the roots exposed, I can't seem to recall how many branches sprouted

now dear mother,
I'm sorry to disappoint but my departure is soon
my ears leak of worded substances that should not have ever been implanted
intimate acts, violated areas, broken promises, a pawned marriage, forged perfection
I've watched you grow and pass on responsibilities
you are no different than him
a narcissit could never take a better form
stale breaths when my self-interest is on display
decisions based on how many tears you can shed
you're remarkable, you've managed to instill guilt in me whenever I expose my troubles
as I write, my stomach is near your husband
I should not ridicule your selfishness because you know who this piece is actually for
high endurance, continously treading water with an anchor
this device is about to explode, take cover
if I'm mounted on him, you're hands are on my waist
chemical imbalances and mental distirbances
all relationships altered at the stake
just crucify me, you're used to loneliness anyways
you welcome grief
I could be dead already
you wouldn't know, your mouth is still open
we've endured a lot
let's sink

it sounds underwhelming to say I have trauma
and dramatic if I request guilt
let's just agree on muted discomfort
he doesn't rest in a cemetery
he's situated in something we can barely call a home
he's dust while the other uses his ashes to powder her nose to see a replacement
I scan over and over again, a cycle of stares
they're not sorry
they're not sorry
they're not sorry
they have no concept of what that is
why must I understand sympathy in order to enact that trait upon them when they could simply open their eyes to their hypocrisy?

hey babe, it's me. you did it, you survived. i'm very proud of you and you deserve to hear that. it's the end of the twelfth month. you should go grab a drink and celebrate, you deserve it. school stressed you out? it's ok, you tried your best. you're in love. would you have guessed it? in love with a silly boy that makes you feel dizzy. he soothes you and it's overwhelming, but he's home. he's safe. your other hip is doing good too. having trouble as always, but she'll make it. tell her you love her, she needs to hear it. hug her too, she wants one but gets nervous. don't neglect her, she's discontinued. the hospital is ok. don't get scared. one is for you and one is for him, everyone is alive. don't fret. the miscellaneous items located at the bottom of your bag are still there but they're irrevelant. you can clean them out later. if you're crying, stop. it's not worth it. go kiss mom for me and daddy too, you'll miss those moments. when everyone's gone, like it is now, you'll feel lucky. savor it, don't waste it. bye babe, goodnight.

welcome back babe, i missed you. this time last year you had the time of your life. you were daddy's girl and even became someone's baby girl, do you remember those times? you had that blue cherry taste in your mouth and even favored the purple lemonade mom made on sundays. you were the girl you wanted to be - a big city girl who partied in hospital rooms and inhaled too much of the clouds when the shoes got rough. he went and escapades and summer heat rendevouz kept you occupide. we both know it didn't do much. you didn't give daddy a kiss in time and you didn't cherish that bad hip, it's ok. don't cry and don't feel regret, you've done more than enough. no one says it but they're still proud of you. this year will be rough but you can do it. school will be hard as always but the circus boy you love so much will be there for you. don't go chasing his act, it won't give you any answers. leave the dirt on your knees, it'll wash off over time. rest up, you don't want to stay up these days. after they're all gone, that's all you'll do. you have time, take it easy. breathe in, don't stress. bye babe, goodnight.

i. i'd hate to come back to a home with a dead dog. but i don't know if hate's even the right word because i wouldn't hate it, i would loathe the idea of returning to a neglected house.

ii. i think there might be a small chance that you love me as much i love you; but at the same time, who would love me so much to keep themselves alive just so i have a reason to continue?

maybe i should’ve listened
i’m overwhelmed on a sunny day, my organs are in the wrong spots, and miscommunication is somehow benefitting us

the words are in the walls of my throat, your tongue could reach them so easily (why are you making any excuses?)
“celebrate with me, put your hands on me, be jealous of me”
don't you wonder what it'd feel like to have my skin rub against yours again?

change your expectations of me, be ignorant of your sore limbs, be naïve and keen
things could be better, take the hint and be with me

i’m making a mistake valuing you more than a dime
are you holding on for me or for you? stupid question
i don’t think you want me to come around again, i won’t knock on your door, i need more barriers anyway

in a different timeline,
our capsule is buried, we don’t progress further. we’d stay like that until someone got a shovel
i’d call you before you slept even if i’m about to miss sunrise
my blue jumper would be resting in the same spot that your sweater is lying on my chair
my laugh echoes and dances with yours on the highway
your fingers fit comfortably between mine

it was nice living mundanely, too bad we figured each other out, it's no longer fun anymore
for what it’s worth, you made it worse

everything was fitting together, except us (you were the good in the bad)
now, currency has no value
i’m expensive to you, so you choose to settle for temporary happiness instead (pitiful, caring for me shouldn’t be costly)

the wind took my sickness to another heart, i didn’t know which way to go
i hope it bothers you more that you’re no longer him, do you even feel satisfied in other ways?

what even is ownership?
when i used to belong to you but now i’m by his side?
where do i buy the title to keep this distance between us?

such a dream, does everyone feel this enlightened when they surpass loss? i wish time stayed a myth
used to be indecisive, now i won’t hesitate to say his name (don’t fly out, the stickers are still here)

i think of you in times of need
you're in my dreams and possess my unconsciousness
my dependency has a hard time detaching from you
and i wish i could tell you that i don't mind waiting at red lights together

i'm aware of limits and distance and other constraints on our leisure
being civil, private, tender
leaning back and you are already behind me
my shoelace wrapping around your fingers
a home created wherever we step
hypotheticals and desires pouring from our mouths

i don't believe in marriage, living on through children, or making memorable career accomplishments
but i think of what i'd say in my vows to you
i say this with positive connotations - i could never marry you
i wouldn't want a humanistic permanency to establish eternal feelings

if i could meet you in another life where i didn't have so many bad things happen to me
i would do it in a heartbeat
but knowing that all the bad things lead me to you
i could do it all over again

I'm still not convinced that my death will mean anything to others
I can only see the positives and I think that's kind of bittersweet to see the good in the sad
they say that they'll miss me but is it my physical state they're thinking of or the absence of indication that they are capable of love

hate to give credit to a dead man
but after his passing,
a home has not existed
a troubled widow and a daughter who grew up too fast
settling in the shells of past happiness
a neglectful widow and a daughter who is trying her best
orchestrating a new web to lay the life she desired on
a new beginning being born as her past finds fulfillment in the thought of no longer existing
not needed, no longer necessary, no more emotional baggage to have others carry
what more could you ask for?
hate to exhibit grief for a dead man
but after his passing,
a daughter who finally had her shackles released
hasn't experienced freedom
or a clean system
a daughter who can no longer connect her blood line
lost a distracted widow in her own maze
and becomes more hollow with each conversation
a daughter with a patchy memory
replays the times when the dog comfortably layed on well-kept carpet
and got lost in thought in the comfort of something called a family
hate to wish for the return of a dead man
but after his passing,
a childless widow doesn't pray to his ashes anymore and a daughter with heavy shoulders doesn't remember the last time she had a home

contentment doesn't change the title of a house
a home is wherever fulfillment is, not the building

I love the rain like I love the sun and the moon
and how I love coffee when it's warm out
or talking to you when I did something I'm proud of
and now that I think about it, I really don't think you know how you make me feel

it's not a cliche thing like the stars align when I see you or my breath stops because I'm so blown away
it's fear.
I shake and cry and breakdown I'm truly scared of you
but it's not in the monster under my bed kind of way or parent induced trauma
I'm just terrified of the way I feel around you
it honestly feels unnatural because I don't think someone's supposed to give me fulfillment? I don't think I deserve that at all but you give it to me and I can't even say thank you
you don't need to hear it.
I can't even tell you I love you because that right there are just three words that have less meaning than you
your ears deserve to be shut off and eyes torn out
I don't know how you stand to look and listen to me
like right now as you read this, how am I not insane to you?
and I can say I hate you because it's easier to say than the opposite
it's easier to say things that have no meaning versus one's that do and it's easier to know when I'm lying so to say I hate you means I love you
I love how you make me say false things
I'm lying over heels for you
and I don't know what could be more romantic that to establish my hatred that is nonexistent only for you to interpret it as "shes all mine"

you told me the epitome of existence was imagining the lovers disease as nature
the forbidden a word was an orchid
the forbidden c was a daisy
the forbidden h was a rose and so forth
you founded their roots thinking ugly things end up being beautiful
you decorated your nest with café patches and patiently waited to prove your point
but then we met
skin touched and the flowers bloomed naturally and out of sight
my once damaged veins became wrapped in vines
your lungs filling up with various flowers when we inhaled cotton candy
spines got entangled with stems
we woke up every morning puking up the dead petals stuck in our throats
a new sickness inhabiting us
it was worse than heroine
worse than morphine
i called it the best part of falling in love
the spark never died but we slowly did
the vines got to our hearts and we were gone
flashing lights and carnival sirens startled me awake
you weren't by my side when i emptied the new batch of petals
kicked up a dust storm and made my way to where the birds fly at 2:14 in the morning
opened the gate to see your garden filled
your name is placed in the center on a dull, gray stone i can't help but flatten the bed of daisies planted around you

this garden looked better brown

I'm cowered over the latrine
heart is breaking my ribs with its accelerated knocking
I'm so scared
your message is waiting for a partner
but it's not something of reassurance
or what I need to hear
so I wait to empty myself
before I gather the stability to mask the discomfort
there is no understanding
we're on a disconnected telephone line
someone else is interpreting these messages but neither of us are receiving
I unwine the quilt,
unsewing the tragedies I have left to change the threads on
it gets too much
I've been trying to change the yarn color for my father issues
but the needle slips and the drops of blood push it back another day
you are miniscule
the bug that pests me and ****** my skin
somehow you continue to escape the clasp of my hand
as I wait for your demise,
my quilt stays the same
a consistent tinnitus I can't rid
on another note, we both know the silence would be worse

I'm distraught and caught between what is real and what is not
Am I losing myself to people I don't know or in his arms where I was once comfortable?
I've been here before, I have seen you before, I have said this before
This mirror was broken, the shards are hidden in your backpack
The lipstick is there too and you have a scar on your knee from when we tripped in front of his grave
I know you,
do you know me? These feelings are not real, but also not a hallucination
I can't figure it out,
who are you? You don't know the white walls or the broken urn, the salt in my knees, or the irony
The drowning boats, stained carpets - can you even see me?
blink. I'm suffocating.
I'm not here, I'm really not
déjà vu can be a sickening thing but do not be fooled
if I am real, so are you.

oh to be swinging with scratched corneas again, that's the life
strawberry seeds stuck in gums, bones shedding from too much usage
not feeling as empty as i do now
what a cute little fantasy to live in

what a shame, i feel so sick
relapse and selfishness go hand in hand
i've always been right, i am unlined and at home
"finally fitting in? hesitating on showing another sign of weakness? did the palpitations ever simmer down? how depressing it is that your damaged body can't even feel the tetanus setting in (was the view worth it?) do his muscles ache when you dance with oncoming traffic?"
some things are better left in the gutter

long time no see babe, i'm glad we met
          i'd miss a thousand sunrises just to see the moon with you
          you know how much i love having bruised clavicles
          but please release my shoulders
          i wish i could unsew my stitched smile when i think of you
these pieces aren't fitting together, it's all so forced

i'm happy to be alive but it hurts
          it'll get better, i promise
art is subjective, this love is not
          be grateful you were ever a thought
let's just start over: hi, i'm lonely

heartache shared between two people that shouldn't walk the same ground
delusion is driving me to people that are different versions of you, come back
this isn't as fun as it used to be, i don't like being tossed around as much
let's go back to only being strangers

how do i get this thing to stop thinking?

i think i messed up. incomplete contentment, nothing’s the same but there’s nothing different. life’s becoming blurry again. emotion is lacking in situations that call for sympathy. a trachea not in midline and veins that pulsate, fractured patella and dislocated wrists. how do i explain my leaking, stapled wounds? you would only laugh if you saw how disheveled i was. how am i supposed to fix myself when everyone thinks i’m perfect except you? do i value their opinions over someone that doesn’t know me?  in reality, i am an artificial ghost. no one even sees me. i have no desire to be alongside a body other than my own, the one i lost when i was stupidly vulnerable (what did you expect for me to say?). once fearful of letting myself go, now i’m ridding this desolate place. how nostalgic.

you hit me and my knuckles feel sore. i’m on my knees when there’s a knot in your shoelace. missed me? your whimpers sound more desperate than before. didn’t think you could want me this badly. take this hand to serve yourself, take this leg as a cane, and take this rib to construct the instrument that plays the sound of my cries. maybe i do exist for others, but you exist for me. your venom only makes my cuts sting, not the bites.

it's complicated. i’d prefer the rusted fountain to the broken bird cage. arms are intertwined, but i wish they were someone else’s. backs splayed on the ground, feet planted on the side of the building. “it looks like an endless road,” but it’s finite to me. shortening the distance is as simple as pulling the trigger (who said it was easy?). i clean his skin out from under my nails. who does he even like? he doesn’t even know who i am. nonetheless, i hope you’re jealous knowing i look prettier for him. i’m chasing the sun on a treadmill, my teeth are grinding on glass; such an euphoric feeling. the what could’ve been never tasted so good. "let’s take advantage of everything in every way” (myself included but i don’t think he likes the thought of that as much as i do).

befriend the dog who keeps its jaw unhinged
occupying his time by ripping an old string,
spinning the wire,
spilling the wine
terrified used as another word for teased
does the title of "entertainer" get you off?
or just make you itch.
scalp raw -- no point but still holding on?
so jester-like.
this house reeks of kerosene, but it's just the house
does the smell linger on your chin?
a meaningless hookup bounces on the walls
notice the change in color?
i'm so white for you
this situation is irritable
mindless interactions, no plausibility, straight despite.
god forbid, there's animosity.
maybe in another lifetime I will be made for you
but for now,
if you see me sailing away,
leave me struggling to paddle.
who needs friends anyway?

my nails are long, knees exposed
i'm neglecting myself
you predicted it
in the many letters you wrote, i recall you marking the date of my death
oh how time has passed

the cherry-flavored drink is tempting
would it make you happy?
one sip at a time
lids closing like blinds
a limp body against a marbled floor

would i be nestled in bed?
or in a bathtub as i drown my head?
you predicted so much
when will it end?
you know better

i can find a heavy bar
and make everyone's pain go away
the walls are taunting
the laughs are lingering
but the silence is louder

my bones are cold
as they slide against hot blood
i could be warm
and comfortable
with one slash on the wrist
or a string around my throat

this is a game to you
i could be gone
i can hear your smile
as you're reading this,
you think i'm just joking

with any figure one will find ****** satisfaction
but not every body will one connect to
which one am i to you?
i shed the blood of the weak
skin tight and rips bare
is this good enough?
arachnids nest in the crooks of bones
i am what you make of me
chained to the bricks that build up catholicism
brittle, exasperated, unsettled
feet sink in with each step
conception, conceiving
a pluviophile runs rampant in his desert
unsure if they were granted the passageway
i’ve slipped into a rabbit hole now, haven’t i?
brisk dust scratch his name into limbs that won’t stand no longer
broken ***** keys play the song of distraction
his face etched in my teeth
the world is falling apart
laundry growing mold in the washer
ribs becoming so sunken
toothbrush bristles detaching themselves
i have the remnants on my breath
eternal bliss unattainable, do you find this funny my creator?

this body is somebody
a vessel, pleasure machine, a mobile corpse
it slides around in its husk
(so unsettling)
the cells within it shake violently as it withers
they don't deserve inactivity
the open ear canal leads an avian to stab an important part of the brain
bleeding a gallon because the spots look like red suns
from personal malice to hedonism
closeness is driven by ****** selfishness
once more dealing with the dissolution of reality
the pads of fingers have melted into loose skin
the bones that lie beneath break again
internal and eternal suffering
i wish to become the lamb of god instead
I want to rid this despondency, let the water run clear
is my self-awareness turning you on?

his excitement only incites fear
and the other is fooled by rivers
but this one makes the bed reek of an enslaving smell
he doesn't falter when my breath stops
or hoist me up to my pedestal
my damaged flesh is left unkissed
i am simply used for development
was.
with clipped wings, i no longer flock to a conscious
a sore thumb settled amongst talons
my body belongs to anybody
but no body can have my body.
goodbye my sweet
"enjoy home" i carved out with feathered scissors
i've finally dotted the i's, it's really over

"dance with me"
how can i decline?
their eyes are on me
scanning and searching for the moment i'm no longer in control of myself
he's clawing at me,
caging me in
while the other parades as my "lover"
i only want you
you left your friends for me,
just so we could sit and talk
you didn't expect anything
this minimalism should not be reassuring
are we different?
the lurkers are saying no
yet i feel like the moon who's met mercury
i ate the apple from your tree,
and you didn't treat it as an invitation
when will you expect more?
i'm so scared of you
because the hands you lay on me were requested, not forced
gravity is holding me back from vulnerability

sigh, my toxicity is unmatched
my mind unbothered
my body unscathed,
untouched, unaccounted for-
i'm reckless you know?
nights spent in the city with some irrelevant boy obsessed with me
i treated liquor like water just to feel something
mindless flirting to any individual who gives me attention
and deceitful words laced with false sincerity has everyone longing for me
that's why the bruises and cuts i left on you are not healed
no one is ever done with me
i'm narcissistic, manipulative, two-faced, uncontrolled, crazy, impulsive, addictive, independent-
you, darling, do not affect me in the way you are thinking
you, do not know me
this barrier won't protect you, i am a machine of destruction
take this as a warning sweetheart

sincerely,
the ego you never got to know

act i
the sky is a collision of different tones of pink and lilac
it's 5:27 in the morning and i'm carving out the shape of you in the clouds
my feet dangle off my office building and i'm picking the dried blood out of my nails
i can taste the mercury on your tongue
you feel the scratch on my cataracts
my pain resides with you
you always tell me how this makes us the perfect match
act ii
now it's the summer when I lost myself
when I threw up fire every morning and had an acetone burn in my throat
you saw me dancing alone with a skeleton - thinking it's all just so romantic
i remember the rope breaking and saying lustful love is nonexistent - that love *****
st elmo was proud
act iii & iv
now its valentines day and I feel more lonely than usual
the red reminds me of my busted vessels from the pinching I've done and your chipped nail polish
the sky is charcoal and asphalt
its 7:03 in the evening and i see myself in the rain
everything goes wrong when i predict it
but nothing goes right with my crystal ball

disbelief is a staple emotion
can't quite comprehend your denial
perfection doesn't need a spotless reflection
my fingertips dance across a canvas that i dare not mark
is fear stopping you from commitment?
the words are old bile stuck in the digestive track
maybe if i was nauseous enough, you would finally see my attachment
dare not ***** the goosebumps that are caused by unfamiliarity
maybe i shake cause i'm terrified
maybe i stare cause i'm paralyzed
of the things i've noticed, you thrive in neon
never seen colors look so good on someone and never acknowledged how monochromatic life was
the wheels are spinning and projected on the tunnel wall are things stashed under trauma
the only downfall,
my diary will never be read by you
what a funny equation: us plus contentment equals broken clocks
time won't even stop for god
you don't need me and it'll show when i return
you were the right person but there was simply not enough hours in the day

sophia, she sat next to the window, back bare as the frost consumed the glass
i inhale the smell we've created along with the feeling of guilt and trepidation
am i a weapon?
with the rocky mountain that is my mentality?
she isn't cold
but i feel like ice on the bear rug i lay on in front of the fireplace i threw my past in
if stability was easy, she would be in flames - nonexistent
i intertwine my fingers with knotted fur
i let her drive me here, i caused this heartache
my unhappiness is derived from me

soap stuck in teeth and larva that won't shed
i need to stretch
crying to the moon after reading my life in the news
sins published on my skin but everyone is blind
cherry flavored opioids have become so taunting
i've watched you change
identity patched together like a kid who doesn't know themselves
that hopped on a carousel that never stops turning
fixated on the past with the present at my doorstep
he hangs over my head
as limp as the animals at seaworld, he felt relieved
aftermath was hard to calculate
mother was crying over a second pair of wedding rings
a forever absence
too much information
imported in this ****** *** brain
how am i supposed to remember the day i caught on fire
or what it felt like to be full,
without stuffed lungs and a stitched migraine?
she cried in her sleep, a mirror between us
his hands and theirs have their grip
not once, twice, or thrice
why am i so shocked every new time my advantage is taken?
did it even happen?
was it enjoyable?
they're my friends though, right?
maybe this head's down the hill
i drank to forget, but when drunk, i remember
can't get high because then i'm more vulnerable
hanging out to distract, but end up more depressed
it isn't an act, i'm actually distressed
mother doesn't know what goes on behind the curtain
maybe i do enjoy myself
is this happiness? or has sadness overtaken me too long for me to recognize the difference?
this train is full of water
but the ride is worthwhile if it led me back to before everything happened
when clammy fingers walked me down the halls
my embarrassing background lingering
shunned away with only so little to choose from
it was peaceful
now, this name fits better
this body feels different
and this mindset is comfortable
knives thrown down halls and bloodied bedsheets made me drift away from stability
walking on edges
if i misstep, would it be a loss?
nirvana is temporary, solemnness is temporary, fear - temporary, shock, envy, grief, romance, desire, triumph, death
temporary
temporary
temporary
temporary
they'll have to get over it
my feet are too deep in the grave to get out
to pass time, i flip pages of my creations
powerful and mighty, this was done on my own accord
submerging in crimson syrup
it might be my own, who knows?
anger was my first lesson
can't teach this dog old tricks
do i have a promising future when i've endured so much?
empty graduation stands
with an absence of guests on a wedding day
isolated in a hospitable city
am i in love?
or giving myself a reason to prosper?
these actions are done for someone else
they won't recognize their impact
can't even specify, 'cause i have more than one on my mind
bones are rusted, spine gone bad from holding up everyone else
the other side is welcoming
npc's will continue on
stagnant state
just buckle my seatbelt, i'm leaving home

i am art and i am called impulse
there is audible scolding
but i'm simply knocking things off my bucket list
she asks why i'm almost done when i have 60 years ahead
she thinks i will outlive her when in fact i am ending soon
what she doesn't know won't hurt her
inhale this melancholy, what do i have to live for
my life is a record and the absence is haunting
the things i do, the things i chase after only to get a high
i am not happy
i am not ok
if there is no future why do i have to stay
she's fixated on the temporary but i will be permanent

finally, it's here
the labyrinth was filled with riddles, but here is the end
all the time spent maneuvering over past mistakes, empty homes, unfulfilled expectations, and the distorted perceptions they all had
when it was new, nothing was real - he wasn't and to myself, I was still pure with a smothered heart
this meteor is coming home and I will be extinct
the past egos are merging, they know what comes next
the first year was a trial, here comes the hard part
it has started, the distractions are craters, my skin is boiling
the maze was physical but now its etched inside
these new obstacles are endless, why did you have to go?
one year was an eternity, and to endure infinitely more is torture
how does one last? the end was so close but you are the metal door keeping me here