i think i messed up. incomplete contentment, nothing’s the same but there’s nothing different. life’s becoming blurry again. emotion is lacking in situations that call for sympathy. a trachea not in midline and veins that pulsate, fractured patella and dislocated wrists. how do i explain my leaking, stapled wounds? you would only laugh if you saw how disheveled i was. how am i supposed to fix myself when everyone thinks i’m perfect except you? do i value their opinions over someone that doesn’t know me?  in reality, i am an artificial ghost. no one even sees me. i have no desire to be alongside a body other than my own, the one i lost when i was stupidly vulnerable (what did you expect for me to say?). once fearful of letting myself go, now i’m ridding this desolate place. how nostalgic.

you hit me and my knuckles feel sore. i’m on my knees when there’s a knot in your shoelace. missed me? your whimpers sound more desperate than before. didn’t think you could want me this badly. take this hand to serve yourself, take this leg as a cane, and take this rib to construct the instrument that plays the sound of my cries. maybe i do exist for others, but you exist for me. your venom only makes my cuts sting, not the bites.

it's complicated. i’d prefer the rusted fountain to the broken bird cage. arms are intertwined, but i wish they were someone else’s. backs splayed on the ground, feet planted on the side of the building. “it looks like an endless road,” but it’s finite to me. shortening the distance is as simple as pulling the trigger (who said it was easy?). i clean his skin out from under my nails. who does he even like? he doesn’t even know who i am. nonetheless, i hope you’re jealous knowing i look prettier for him. i’m chasing the sun on a treadmill, my teeth are grinding on glass; such an euphoric feeling. the what could’ve been never tasted so good. "let’s take advantage of everything in every way” (myself included but i don’t think he likes the thought of that as much as i do).

oh to be swinging with scratched corneas again, that's the life
strawberry seeds stuck in gums, bones shedding from too much usage
not feeling as empty as i do now
what a cute little fantasy to live in

what a shame, i feel so sick
relapse and selfishness go hand in hand
i've always been right, i am unlined and at home
"finally fitting in? hesitating on showing another sign of weakness? did the palpitations ever simmer down? how depressing it is that your damaged body can't even feel the tetanus setting in (was the view worth it?) do his muscles ache when you dance with oncoming traffic?"
some things are better left in the gutter

long time no see babe, i'm glad we met
          i'd miss a thousand sunrises just to see the moon with you
          you know how much i love having bruised clavicles
          but please release my shoulders
          i wish i could unsew my stitched smile when i think of you
these pieces aren't fitting together, it's all so forced

i'm happy to be alive but it hurts
          it'll get better, i promise
art is subjective, this love is not
          be grateful you were ever a thought
let's just start over: hi, i'm lonely

heartache shared between two people that shouldn't walk the same ground
delusion is driving me to people that are different versions of you, come back
this isn't as fun as it used to be, i don't like being tossed around as much
let's go back to only being strangers

how do i get this thing to stop thinking?

this body is somebody
a vessel, pleasure machine, a mobile corpse
it slides around in its husk
(so unsettling)
the cells within it shake violently as it withers
they don't deserve inactivity
the open ear canal leads an avian to stab an important part of the brain
bleeding a gallon because the spots look like red suns
from personal malice to hedonism
closeness is driven by ****** selfishness
once more dealing with the dissolution of reality
the pads of fingers have melted into loose skin
the bones that lie beneath break again
internal and eternal suffering
i wish to become the lamb of god instead
I want to rid this despondency, let the water run clear
is my self-awareness turning you on?

his excitement only incites fear
and the other is fooled by rivers
but this one makes the bed reek of an enslaving smell
he doesn't falter when my breath stops
or hoist me up to my pedestal
my damaged flesh is left unkissed
i am simply used for development
was.
with clipped wings, i no longer flock to a conscious
a sore thumb settled amongst talons
my body belongs to anybody
but no body can have my body.
goodbye my sweet
"enjoy home" i carved out with feathered scissors
i've finally dotted the i's, it's really over

befriend the dog who keeps its jaw unhinged
occupying his time by ripping an old string,
spinning the wire,
spilling the wine
terrified used as another word for teased
does the title of "entertainer" get you off?
or just make you itch.
scalp raw -- no point but still holding on?
so jester-like.
this house reeks of kerosene, but it's just the house
does the smell linger on your chin?
a meaningless hookup bounces on the walls
notice the change in color?
i'm so white for you
this situation is irritable
mindless interactions, no plausibility, straight despite.
god forbid, there's animosity.
maybe in another lifetime I will be made for you
but for now,
if you see me sailing away,
leave me struggling to paddle.
who needs friends anyway?

I'm cowered over the latrine
heart is breaking my ribs with its accelerated knocking
I'm so scared
your message is waiting for a partner
but it's not something of reassurance
or what I need to hear
so I wait to empty myself
before I gather the stability to mask the discomfort
there is no understanding
we're on a disconnected telephone line
someone else is interpreting these messages but neither of us are receiving
I unwine the quilt,
unsewing the tragedies I have left to change the threads on
it gets too much
I've been trying to change the yarn color for my father issues
but the needle slips and the drops of blood push it back another day
you are miniscule
the bug that pests me and ****** my skin
somehow you continue to escape the clasp of my hand
as I wait for your demise,
my quilt stays the same
a consistent tinnitus I can't rid
on another note, we both know the silence would be worse

disbelief is a staple emotion
can't quite comprehend your denial
perfection doesn't need a spotless reflection
my fingertips dance across a canvas that i dare not mark
is fear stopping you from commitment?
the words are old bile stuck in the digestive track
maybe if i was nauseous enough, you would finally see my attachment
dare not ***** the goosebumps that are caused by unfamiliarity
maybe i shake cause i'm terrified
maybe i stare cause i'm paralyzed
of the things i've noticed, you thrive in neon
never seen colors look so good on someone and never acknowledged how monochromatic life was
the wheels are spinning and projected on the tunnel wall are things stashed under trauma
the only downfall,
my diary will never be read by you
what a funny equation: us plus contentment equals broken clocks
time won't even stop for god
you don't need me and it'll show when i return
you were the right person but there was simply not enough hours in the day

with any figure one will find ****** satisfaction
but not every body will one connect to
which one am i to you?
i shed the blood of the weak
skin tight and rips bare
is this good enough?
arachnids nest in the crooks of bones
i am what you make of me
chained to the bricks that build up catholicism
brittle, exasperated, unsettled
feet sink in with each step
conception, conceiving
a pluviophile runs rampant in his desert
unsure if they were granted the passageway
i’ve slipped into a rabbit hole now, haven’t i?
brisk dust scratch his name into limbs that won’t stand no longer
broken ***** keys play the song of distraction
his face etched in my teeth
the world is falling apart
laundry growing mold in the washer
ribs becoming so sunken
toothbrush bristles detaching themselves
i have the remnants on my breath
eternal bliss unattainable, do you find this funny my creator?