i think of you in times of need
you're in my dreams and possess my unconsciousness
my dependency has a hard time detaching from you
and i wish i could tell you that i don't mind waiting at red lights together

i'm aware of limits and distance and other constraints on our leisure
being civil, private, tender
leaning back and you are already behind me
my shoelace wrapping around your fingers
a home created wherever we step
hypotheticals and desires pouring from our mouths

i don't believe in marriage, living on through children, or making memorable career accomplishments
but i think of what i'd say in my vows to you
i say this with positive connotations - i could never marry you
i wouldn't want a humanistic permanency to establish eternal feelings

if i could meet you in another life where i didn't have so many bad things happen to me
i would do it in a heartbeat
but knowing that all the bad things lead me to you
i could do it all over again

hate to give credit to a dead man
but after his passing,
a home has not existed
a troubled widow and a daughter who grew up too fast
settling in the shells of past happiness
a neglectful widow and a daughter who is trying her best
orchestrating a new web to lay the life she desired on
a new beginning being born as her past finds fulfillment in the thought of no longer existing
not needed, no longer necessary, no more emotional baggage to have others carry
what more could you ask for?
hate to exhibit grief for a dead man
but after his passing,
a daughter who finally had her shackles released
hasn't experienced freedom
or a clean system
a daughter who can no longer connect her blood line
lost a distracted widow in her own maze
and becomes more hollow with each conversation
a daughter with a patchy memory
replays the times when the dog comfortably layed on well-kept carpet
and got lost in thought in the comfort of something called a family
hate to wish for the return of a dead man
but after his passing,
a childless widow doesn't pray to his ashes anymore and a daughter with heavy shoulders doesn't remember the last time she had a home

contentment doesn't change the title of a house
a home is wherever fulfillment is, not the building

i. i'd hate to come back to a home with a dead dog. but i don't know if hate's even the right word because i wouldn't hate it, i would loathe the idea of returning to a neglected house.

ii. i think there might be a small chance that you love me as much i love you; but at the same time, who would love me so much to keep themselves alive just so i have a reason to continue?

I love the rain like I love the sun and the moon
and how I love coffee when it's warm out
or talking to you when I did something I'm proud of
and now that I think about it, I really don't think you know how you make me feel

it's not a cliche thing like the stars align when I see you or my breath stops because I'm so blown away
it's fear.
I shake and cry and breakdown I'm truly scared of you
but it's not in the monster under my bed kind of way or parent induced trauma
I'm just terrified of the way I feel around you
it honestly feels unnatural because I don't think someone's supposed to give me fulfillment? I don't think I deserve that at all but you give it to me and I can't even say thank you
you don't need to hear it.
I can't even tell you I love you because that right there are just three words that have less meaning than you
your ears deserve to be shut off and eyes torn out
I don't know how you stand to look and listen to me
like right now as you read this, how am I not insane to you?
and I can say I hate you because it's easier to say than the opposite
it's easier to say things that have no meaning versus one's that do and it's easier to know when I'm lying so to say I hate you means I love you
I love how you make me say false things
I'm lying over heels for you
and I don't know what could be more romantic that to establish my hatred that is nonexistent only for you to interpret it as "shes all mine"

I'm still not convinced that my death will mean anything to others
I can only see the positives and I think that's kind of bittersweet to see the good in the sad
they say that they'll miss me but is it my physical state they're thinking of or the absence of indication that they are capable of love

it took so long to make my existence possible
money, doctors, and prayers to a mythical man
(desperate attempts to rearrange their cells into an offspring)
only to be given a jawbreaker

hello father
my time with you was short
but your wires keep tightening around me every time I stray (when will my neck finally snap off?)
I don't believe in biological purposes
or anything other than unreasonable spontaneity
my specimen is here simply because it is here
this specimen acknowledges its meaninglessness
what you didn't know didn't hurt you
what you found out through force, did
my portrait is slashed, this painter did a ****** job
you can no longer complain with a slanted mouth
my independency was torn away
my legs were ripped apart, indecency (your waist was too hard to straddle)
placed on a cross only to feel the blood rush to my head
I'll carry on my maiden name so the beliefs oppository to your own will forever be attached to you
I love you but not of free will
my image of you is artificial
so much damage has left the roots exposed, I can't seem to recall how many branches sprouted

now dear mother,
I'm sorry to disappoint but my departure is soon
my ears leak of worded substances that should not have ever been implanted
intimate acts, violated areas, broken promises, a pawned marriage, forged perfection
I've watched you grow and pass on responsibilities
you are no different than him
a narcissit could never take a better form
stale breaths when my self-interest is on display
decisions based on how many tears you can shed
you're remarkable, you've managed to instill guilt in me whenever I expose my troubles
as I write, my stomach is near your husband
I should not ridicule your selfishness because you know who this piece is actually for
high endurance, continously treading water with an anchor
this device is about to explode, take cover
if I'm mounted on him, you're hands are on my waist
chemical imbalances and mental distirbances
all relationships altered at the stake
just crucify me, you're used to loneliness anyways
you welcome grief
I could be dead already
you wouldn't know, your mouth is still open
we've endured a lot
let's sink

it sounds underwhelming to say I have trauma
and dramatic if I request guilt
let's just agree on muted discomfort
he doesn't rest in a cemetery
he's situated in something we can barely call a home
he's dust while the other uses his ashes to powder her nose to see a replacement
I scan over and over again, a cycle of stares
they're not sorry
they're not sorry
they're not sorry
they have no concept of what that is
why must I understand sympathy in order to enact that trait upon them when they could simply open their eyes to their hypocrisy?

maybe i should’ve listened
i’m overwhelmed on a sunny day, my organs are in the wrong spots, and miscommunication is somehow benefitting us

the words are in the walls of my throat, your tongue could reach them so easily (why are you making any excuses?)
“celebrate with me, put your hands on me, be jealous of me”
don't you wonder what it'd feel like to have my skin rub against yours again?

change your expectations of me, be ignorant of your sore limbs, be naïve and keen
things could be better, take the hint and be with me

i’m making a mistake valuing you more than a dime
are you holding on for me or for you? stupid question
i don’t think you want me to come around again, i won’t knock on your door, i need more barriers anyway

in a different timeline,
our capsule is buried, we don’t progress further. we’d stay like that until someone got a shovel
i’d call you before you slept even if i’m about to miss sunrise
my blue jumper would be resting in the same spot that your sweater is lying on my chair
my laugh echoes and dances with yours on the highway
your fingers fit comfortably between mine

it was nice living mundanely, too bad we figured each other out, it's no longer fun anymore
for what it’s worth, you made it worse

everything was fitting together, except us (you were the good in the bad)
now, currency has no value
i’m expensive to you, so you choose to settle for temporary happiness instead (pitiful, caring for me shouldn’t be costly)

the wind took my sickness to another heart, i didn’t know which way to go
i hope it bothers you more that you’re no longer him, do you even feel satisfied in other ways?

what even is ownership?
when i used to belong to you but now i’m by his side?
where do i buy the title to keep this distance between us?

such a dream, does everyone feel this enlightened when they surpass loss? i wish time stayed a myth
used to be indecisive, now i won’t hesitate to say his name (don’t fly out, the stickers are still here)