And there I stood, observing her face,

A gush of relief came over me
At peace at last.

No rushed breathing,
Worried face.
Just peace. Stillness.

But it was alright.
What?
It was alright.
This train of thought couldn't be mine.

I realised, if this is what death is, I am less afraid.

every memory of you
every song that is ours
every aspect of your very existence
makes me want to weep;

of happiness
of sorrow

for the inevitable reality of having you,
is that I one day must loose you

Today is one of those days
where I could weep any minute.

Where it feels as if my soul has been laid bare,
and anything can touch it.

The thought of you not being here
to comfort me in these times,
makes it almost unbearable.

How I wish to see you on the other side.

Overnight,
it was as if the fear ran out
Like sand winding through a sieve.
A youth
suddenly to be felt,
a decade too late.
A world to observe,
Without heart palpitations and clammy palms.
How does one cope with having a body
whose norm is to be on high alert.
To always think the worst first.
I was a girl
who needed to understand that the world meant her no harm.

To long for a state of chaos:
When everything inside you is purely chaos itself.

To long for a true state of chaos on the outside,
can seem so calming

For then there is something present to worry about,
and it’s not just “all inside my head”.

My childhood’s blissful ignorance of the speed of time

A momentary flashback to a memory; as simple as an everyday glance: enough to bring tears to my eyes.