White noise
Wind
Smoke
Oblivion.

Darling,
Your teeth are too sharp
To be chewing on my foot.
Instead, perhaps,
They would be put to better use
Chewing the food that I put down.
Perhaps if you did that
Along with had some water
You would not cry with hunger pains.
When you do that
I promise to play with you
And end your lonely cries.

Why are you so difficult to please?
Why do you try to make me sad?
I do not try to make you upset intentionally.
Sometimes I tease and may take it too far,
But it is not because I'm trying to hurt you.
Nothing I am or ever will be
Will be enough to be your friend
And the sad part is that I will continue-
I will continue to try.
So go slam your door and hide in your room
And I will sit out here and sigh
And when this moment of hormones has subsided
I hope we will try again.

Your musical choices
Like your poetry
Are interesting pieces.
I am jealous
Of your eccentricities.

Tears and silence.
Soft kisses and secrets.
"I love you."
Silence.

Heart break and hunger.
Rough finger tips and stubble.
"I love you, too."
Lies.

How difficult it is
To remain indifferent
To abuses in the workplace
When you know that
You will never rise above
What you are.

How difficult it is
To remain dedicated
To the work you do
When you know that
No one appreciates it
And it only your pride acknowledges it.

How difficult it is
To try to be a full time employee
And do more than expected
When you know that
You will never make more
Than you did at the beginning.

How difficult it is
To try to work like you were taught
And be proud of the work you do
When you know that
No matter the quality
You will always be that part-time office *****.

Tonight there is a party.
They both will go,
And out of pity/politeness/civility
They will invite me.
I know they do not want me to go.
I am certain their friends feel the same.
So I will beg off
And pretend like staying in
With my new canine friend
Will be much more fun.
But the truth is
I would much rather be making
A human connection.
But even if I went
It would not matter much.
Most of my time would be spent
Nursing some alcoholic beverage
Praying for it to last a little longer
And listening to people tell me to loosen up.
I guess I was never made
For these kinds of things
Because I can't loosen up,
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I drink
No matter how many nights I go home and cry
And swear to be different
So that someday
Someone like-minded
Will look at me and really ask,
"Party time?"

I love our languid kisses
Slowly taken in the silence
Hiding in the shadows
Away from prying eyes.

Our love is slow
And beautiful
And how tenderly-
Desperately I want you.

I taste you for days
But am always delightfully surprised
I know your body
But I'm still discovering

I feel you grow
And change with me
Explorers, in our own right,
Of the passion we share.

What darkness have you come from?
A child sleeping in tent city
Hearing the flick of bic lighters
And listening to the sounds of death.
Nothing to fill your tiny belly
Working to put food in your mouth
And the mouths of those who
Should have taken care of you.
Now you work hard
Harder than anyone I've known
And strive to never be
Like those who barely let you live.
And the fact that you work
To never be in that place again
And the love that you are still capable to exude
Makes me love you.
You could be so broken,
But you are not.

Just when I think
You've gone for good
You show me
That I'm still needed.

You are smooth and firm
You are soft and malleable
You are young and old
You are mine.

How sweet you feel
Gently surrounding me.
You are patient and warm
You fill me with sweet sensations.
You offer me sweet release.
I am blissful in your embrace.

Girls of the world
Do you remember
When they told you,
To love your body
And to love yourself-
Regardless of your
Shape, size, skin?

Girls of the world
Do not believe
Their hateful lies.

Girls of the world
Hate your body
And change it until
It's perfect-
Because you will never
Be loved, accepted
Even if you love yourself.

Girls of the world
I thought it would
All fall into place.

Girls of the world
I loved my body
And was comfortable
In MY skin
But those I loved most
Could not love me
For the skin I was in.

Girls of the world
Beauty is not subjective
It is precise.

Girls of the world
Do not fall into the trap
Of thinking you are:
Beautiful, perfect in your own way
Because you are not
You can only be
Perfect in one way.

When people around me
Make decisions
That are more than questionable
It makes me
Want to join the fray
And make decisions
To destroy my life as well.
Yes I'll have some ice cream
Yes I'll smoke the cigarette
Yes I'll wallow in self loathing
Isn't that what you are doing?
Making decisions
That seem delicious now
But will turn out badly
And will leave you
In tears with your head
On my shoulder
Wishing that things had
Been different?
They would be different if only
You would break
The cycle.

You shine so brightly
You are unforgettable.
People remember your name.
Your witty words fall from your lips
Enchanting everyone around you.

I bet you have no idea what you do
But I would **** to do what you can.
There is no reason for me to be around
When you are in such rare form.

I envy you.

We have never had to compete.
You are so much older than I am
So much prettier
So much wittier (you have said so yourself).
You are healthy
Not very wealthy
You proclaim your wisdom.

But I don't think you are as wise as you think.
With your doctorate,
You may have book learnin'
But you never learned how to be a part of our family.

I don't live in a liberal state
I don't eat all organic things
I am not involved in as many things
as you feel I should be
But I am trying to find my way
Without destroying our mother.

Every time you come
You bring chaos
And hurtful words.
You bring blame and hate
And you spew it.

You never think of anyone except
For yourself
And you twist the truth
In your mind,
Like you lied about being kidnapped,
Until you believe that you are the wronged.

You don't feel safe?
I don't feel safe with you.
I'm glad we don't compete...
There's no way I could win,
And hurt Mom, or our sister, or our nephew...
Or anyone
As much as you do.

The phone is silent.
My ears crane to hear
The door that will not open.
My every fiber aches
Longing for a sign that you are okay.
My heart beats slowly
Loud and heavy.
Anger and anxiety
Not knowing what to feel.
Your side is cold
I wish I knew where you were.
You should be here.
You told me why you were going out
But evening has turned to night
You said you'd be back by now.
I want to sleep
Maybe it will hasten your arrival
And alleviate my fear
But maybe you won't return
Either way I lay-
Think of all the reason
Why I wish you were here.
Please come home.

Silly girl, you think they care?
Say your petty thing
And watch as they don't react.

Silly girl, you think they're friends?
Look for them in times of need
And watch as they aren't there.

Silly girl, since when do you have feelings?
You should have learned to live without
Look what having them can do.

I hope you knew I was serious
When I said you were like my sister.

I borrow your purse,
And you borrow my shoes.

Sometimes we fight,
Sometimes we lay on my bed
        and giggle at silly romance novels.

We go on shopping trips
We share music.

Sometimes we bake together.
Sometimes we drink together
        (Mostly just you, but I keep you company)

I know you feel alienated and awkward
I know you like to keep your emotions to yourself

But I like to think we're close.
I'm going to believe that you feel the same.

I love the way your skin feels on mine.
when it is pressed against my back.

I love the way your hands feel,
when they slip around my waist.

I love the way your lips feel,
when they caress my neck and shoulder.

I love the way your teeth feel,
when they drag across my skin.

I love the way my body feels,
when your touches set my skin on fire.

I love the way your body feels,
when you move between my legs
and kiss my fevered skin.

I love the way you hold me close,
when you are heading towards blissful release
and your lips seek mine with great fervor.

I love the way you hold me after,
when you are spent from passion.

I love that  you never seem to get too close,
even when you are hurting.

I think I may love you?

Sleep does not find me
Because I am hiding.

What if I fall back
Into that black abyss?

Who will wake me
From my terror?

Smile, sweet girl-
Smile through the tears.
You are beautiful,
Even when no one says it.
You are loved,
Even when it feels insincere.
You are wanted,
Even when it seems like leaving you is so easy.
You do not need any one
To validate you.
You are strong.
You are smiling through your heartbreak.

First the lust
Then the love
Now the talk
Of marriage
And children?
How about
Grad school?
How about
Career?
What about
My writing?
You are not
Asking for
Sacrifice
And I will
Not offer
It up to you.
Why the rush?

I will support you
With all that I am
With all the friendship
That we have developed
Over the years.
But just because
I support you
Does not mean
That I approve.

"What are you thinking about?"
Eyes drooping sleepily,
Hands slowly traveling up and down.
"I just need to hold you."
Bliss.

I feel as if my shell has been hollowed
And all that remains is the smile
I keep plastered to my face
Like Phantom's mask
I conceal that which I cannot deny.
My heart has swelled
And now it has burst.
I have nothing left to give the world.
Lowered expectations help me none,
I should have none at all.
I should have learned to feel nothing,
To say nothing and to think nothing.
I listen and I hear all these words
And I crave to be a part of their world.
I crave to have a voice, to be heard.
I crave meaning, and to think things of value,
But what use is it when all my words turn to nothing,
When all my thoughts are inadequate.
Your drunken words are beyond my sober thoughts.
Leave me to my solitude and my sleep.
I will wake in the morning and work.
I will come home and smile.
But know it is hollow.
I have found my place - in the shadows.

You taste of Hawaiian Punch and cigarettes,
Like sunshine in the dark.
One taste is of youthful play-
Sweet and ****, artificial flavoring.
It would taste lovely in a park,
On the lake
When I was ten.
The other taste is one of hardship-
Blackened lungs and bad habits.
It tastes bitter in your mouth,
In the dark,
When we lay together.

Water invades my nose and lungs
I cannot untangle my feet from the rope
Rocks continue to rip the skin from my feet
Tearing and bruising my knees.
The rapids are pulling me out and under
I cannot find a place to stop.
I surface but only see trees rush past
I can feel rocks to stop myself
But my bare feet cannot find traction.
I grab a tree root, and pull myself up.
The water is still strong, but I am lucky.
I laugh hysterically, until I sob.
I shake in the water and wait for help.
I am alive.

Last night I had a dream
And there was laughter.
The kind of laughter that you never forget,
With a haunting evil you can never be rid of.
I ran as fast as I could,
Into a church
Where I was turned away.
"You cannot sing!"
Fear.
"But song is how I feel closest to God"
And I know he can keep me safe.
I hid in that sanctuary
Until you slid in bed
And wrapped your arms around me.
I would have sat in the pews
Until I wasted away.
Instead I found comfort
In the taste of your lips.

I am the new girl to ignore.
The one who won't live here no more.
The one you can turn a blind eye to
The girl who doesn't exist to you.
"You are leaving because you hate us?"
Isn't that what you said to her?
Our friendship is now on hiatus
What are you trying to guilt me for?

There's a boy in my bed.
The bandage on his arm
makes me afraid to hold him,
or to let him hold me.
I'm afraid to hurt him
or to cause him any more pain
than life has given him.

He's not handsome,
Not an amazing lover.
He's made bad choices in his life.
And some are his fault,
some were forced on him.

But I like him
and he whispers that he loves me
when he thinks I'm not paying attention.
I don't want to lie to him
I'm not sure if I love him.
But I love it when he's the boy in my bed.

Greedily *******
So cold
and wet.
Throat sticking
Needing sweet,
immediate relief.
Calamitous spill
Like river
through gorge.
Morning desperation
Drink until
water satiates.

I am tired of making excuses
For your lack of heart
Lack of kindness
Lack of anything resembling friendship.

You used me.
Under the pretense of friendship
You came here
Because it was convenient.

You never mean to hurt feelings
At least that is what you say
But I feel there is a sick thrill
When you know you've caused a rift.

You win
Sweet princess
With your ***** and your ***** clothes
You don't have to remember me.

(I won't remember you either)

Let them not take advantage
Those who would describe themselves as family
Let them not use your loyalty
Let them not use your sympathy
To burden you with responsibilities that are theirs.
Keep the love that is within your heart
And share it with those who would return it
But keep that which can be used against your favor
Tucked neatly away from such prying fingers.

Of what do I have more to give?
You have my heart, soul, and faith.

What more can you want?
You have my trust, affection, and desire.

And yet I feel as if it is not enough,
As you leave me laying in disappointment.

I suppose all I have left to give,
Is my youthful naivety.

On the stairs I took you
I've never liked to be in control
But I wanted to show you
How much you mean to me-
And how unafraid I was
To show it.
I have said you are not handsome
But now I see your heart
And you are more beautiful
Than any Greek sculpture.
I have said you love was lacking
But now I see your innocence
And your tenderness.
I was quick to judge-
But you are more
Than just the boy in my bed.

Your warm nose
You playing with my hair
Your licks and playful nips
Your soft belly, warm and full
We have a special love
Between a girl and her pup.

I don't trust him.
Or maybe I trust him,
But not with your heart.
I'm not sure if you remember,
But I do.
I remember what he did
To your beautiful heart.
I remember your tears
And I remember that you said,
That you
Did not want to lead him on.
But that is what you are doing.
You are sad because
The one you loved
Has decided your relationship
Is not worth fixing.
Now you are back
With someone who,
May be convenient,
But you said you would not be with.
I know you will do
What is best for your heart-
But as your friend,
I wish you would be careful.

I never know
Whether you will stay
Or go.

I can never tell
If you mean
Truly well.

The soft glow in the dark
Ash drops into a glass dish
Conversation feels easy
Death feels warm
And slides smoothly into my lungs

Such a shame
I can only write
Whilst in pain.

What good your life
When your absence
Only benefits those around you?
When they can do without your awkward comments
Because you are trying to make people laugh
When they can do without anything you say
When they are so anxious to move away
When they are so ready to be through with you.
If I could give you a gift
I would let you be through with me
But I am not financially stable enough
To leave.

You are the one I come home to
After a long day of expectation.
I long for your warmth and comfort
After a long day of frustration.
You are the one I turn to
After a long day of exasperation.
You are the one to make everything better
And after a long day, I love you even more.

I feel sad for your plight.
You love one, but yearn for another.
It will be okay
Whatever your heart decides.
Your steadfastness is beautiful
And your loyalty is inspirational.
For someone who, I find,
Feels she has such low standards and low opinions of herself,
I must confess
I look up to you a great deal.
(Despite the obscene obsession with *****)

P.S.
Though your ability to win at drinking games
Is in short, astounding.

You wooed my mother
And impressed my sister
Both difficult things to manage.
Now you are risking your good standing
To ask her permission
For us to share a home.
She will know then
That we share a bed
That someday we hope to share a life
That you want me to stay forever.
But I respect you, so much.
Regardless of what happens,
You are my hero-
You are my knight.