We never really saw eye to eye
We never really had the chance to get to know
But I think somehow,
In this life
We connected.

Now you are completely off limits-
Not like you were before
When it was only slightly off limits.
The ring on your finger
Serves as the perfect deterrent.

I wish you both the happiest
Because what more is there to say?
I wish you both the smoothest journey
Through this life and into the next.
Goodbye.

I will give you access
To my center,
To my core,
My heart and soul-
But my words are my own.

I cannot restrict your freedom
Because I will not forfeit my own.
We deserve equality.
But perhaps it is not possible.
I stay in, not because I have to
But because all I know is here.
You have adventure
That heart that leads you elsewhere
And I cannot have that
Because it is not intrinsic.
You are gone
And only I remain.
In our bed on a summer's night
I question why you have not
Come home.

This is where I belong.
The house is quiet;
One is out with a boy-
She offered to take me with,
But what kind of pathetic fool
Do you take me for?
I'm not your third wheel.
Another is up in her room-
Locked in her tower,
And I always wonder
Is she lonely?
The final is in her sanctuary-
I can hear the music blaring,
I don't mind though,
Is she even listening?

I know you are sitting in the other room
And I know you aren't avoiding me
Like I'm avoiding you right now.
If I see you right now, I might cry
With frustration.
You are my dear friend
I need you right now
And I wish I didn't have to step on eggshells around you.
We all have problems, deary.
We all have stories and pasts.
And I know you are afraid to talk to me about it
And you always say that we won't understand
But I promise I will understand,
Regardless.
You have been there for me through
everything
Lean on me? Even if it feels awkward.
*please

My hair is untamed
My skin marred with freckles
Great expanses of alabaster skin
My hips are wide as the sea
My curves are easy to follow
My ***** is generous
And my smile crooked and easy.
Beautiful does not mean perfect
It is my imperfections
That you cannot deny
Or take away from me.

Will I ever find a place
To rest my weary heart?
Will I ever find acceptance
To rest my tender soul?
Will I ever find friendship
To heal my broken heart?
Will I ever find forgiveness
To remedy what is done?

Be wary, young lady
Do not assign your self worth
To what others give to you
For as easily and freely as it is given
It can be taken away.
But if you can stand alone
If you can exist in a place
Where you recognize your own value-
Be at peace.

I am convenient.
I am here when you have no one
So you seek me.
You know I will always be around
And am desperate enough for love
To cling to anything you give me.
But when you have a new
Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Coworker
Suddenly I disappear.
So maybe this time I will disappear.
Maybe this time I'll leave
And next time you want
Something convenient
You will have to look elsewhere.

In the kitchen, there's more spice
Than lives in the cupboard.

Pressed against the door, I feel more heat
Than emerging from the stove.

What joy you bring to my life,
My four legged friend.
Even when I am at my most melancholy,
Your sweet face makes me smile.

What happiness you give me,
My dearest pup.
Even when all others tire of me,
You look at me with those adoring eyes.

Thank you.

I used to wear this hair as a badge of courage
That the fire in me would never subside.
But now I find myself broken down
Digested by life.

I used to wear this hair to spite life
To challenge it to a never ending duel.
But now I find myself defeated
Incapacitated if you will.

I used to wear this hair as a declaration
That I would always be spunky.
But now I find myself deflated
Unable to continue on.

We build shelves
We cook dinner
We grocery shop
We walk the puppy
We make love
We argue quietly
We play hard

What we did not like about her?
What we complained about?
That she made us feel like we weren't worth it,
Like we weren't important
Now that she had someone to love?
You're making me feel this way.
And I should be used to it
Because you always do this
When you are with someone.
So what does it matter
If I move out now
And go be with someone who cares about me
And loves me.
Yes I may have only known him
For this short time-
But I have known you for years
And you break my heart
Easier than anyone I know.

I am dramatic.
I like to overreact.
I like to laugh loudly
I enjoy sobbing
I make big deals out of things
I make grand statements
If you don't like it...?

Go away.

The windows are rolled down
The wind tosses my hair
Already curly, it turns into a tangled mess.
Later he'll calm the storm
And run his fingers though.
He'll grip it tightly
And pull me in for a kiss.

The radio plays loudly
But in the passenger's seat I can barely hear it.
My heart is beating in my ears
His hand is resting on my knee.
He grips it tightly
And leans over for a kiss.

I am laying in our bed-
But you are not here.
I am not crying this time,
But you have no idea
How empty this is
Without you.

I was going to tell you goodbye-
My plan was to end things
Before they really began.
And my plan would have worked
But for your sweet pacification.

Why do you love me?
Trying so desperately to break your heart
But you cling to me
Like I am your only hope.
I am not your hope.

I don’t understand why our friendship is so hard
I’m trying to support you
I’m trying to defend you
But you make no case for yourself
When you run your mouth
And spew all these things
That make everyone feel angry.
Do you not understand?
I am trying to love you.
I know it is hard, but please,
Let me know I'm not trying in vain.

Another night
Where I don't know
Where you are.

But you love me,
Right?

You feel lucky to have me,
Right?

Then why
Do I not
Believe you?

You will not miss me
When I move across town.
You are already distancing yourself.
I will move.
We will forget to talk
We will grow apart
And then the unthinkable will happen.
I will be left with no one
And you won't even be there.
I won't know how to talk to you
We will have forgotten how to be friends.

Yes everything is half-priced
Twit
Do not make me repeat myself.

You can read, can't you?
Fool
It is on the sign.

Do not hold up something
Idiot
I'm not trying to trick you.

I do not know
Why I am so hesitant to trust you.
Maybe it is because
You so easily maneuvered your way
Into the lives of those around me.
I am suspicious of you-
And I make you a promise
That if you do anything untoward
Or break her heart-
I will immortalize you
In print
As an *******.

Because I'd rather live anywhere
Except with you.

I write, hoping to soothe
My weary mind.
But it will not shut off
And it takes every fiber of my pride
Not to call
Ask when you will be home
And confess I have forgotten
How to sleep alone.

Your child bearing hips
Are crushing my diaphragm
I have lost my life.

Oh how I would hold you
How I would love you
How I would give anything
I just want your time.

I don't need your  money
You don't need to buy me gifts
You don't need to buy me dinner
I just want your company.

There does not have to be passion
We don't have to make love
We don't have to talk much
I just want your touch.

I'm sorry that I stole your site
I'm sorry that I'm not a better friend.

I'm trying to do better.

I do not inspire your passion.
Maybe it is because you don't know
All that you should do.

I do not ignite your flame.
Maybe it is because I am not enough
To make your blood flow.

I do not satisfy.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough
To get you hard enough.

So fleeting
I am not in love with you
I cannot see myself
Down any road with you
But you are sweet
And you are warm.
I am settling
Your soft skin against mine
And your whispers in the dark.
I cannot break your heart
Even though mine is filled
With unending disappointment.

I see how you look at me
Your eyes are not filled with fiery lust
They are filled with sweet adoration
For this girl
Who is selfish
And bitter.
And every time you kiss my shoulder
To wake me in the morning
My heart breaks for you
Because I am slowly pulling away
Rolling off your pillow
And making my way
Out of your life.

I am so sorry
I wish I could deserve such beauty
And could return it to you.
But I cannot
And though I lay with you
Staring at the whirling fan
I will not lie to you
And return your declarations of love.

Lips touching in the dark
Blind caressing, a caught breath -
"What are we?"
Silence.
"In love."

You won't remember me tomorrow,
And if you do it will be as her roommate.
What a bitter pill to swallow
When you realize that your life has no meaning.
I won't be remembered in the morning,
I won't be missed when I go home
To write words that climb so slowly up my throat
That I may ***** (though that might be *****).
No one will care that I left early.
No one will care if I disappear
Right at this very instant.
I am not beautiful and I never will be.
I am not intelligent and though I strive to be,
I know that is unobtainable.
I am not outgoing
I am not social
I am not interesting
But what I am is sitting in the dark and quiet.
My tears are triple filtered.
Why can't I mean anything to anyone?

I thought that once employed
I would sleep better at night

instead

I am sitting awake
Four in the morning

complaining.

It's too hot
I'm too cold

thinking.

Does he like me?
Does he want to stay with me?

writing.

Poetry because it's too dark
to edit the words on my walls.

worrying.

Will I have enough for rent?
Can I afford to keep my cat.

even though,

All I really want to do
is curl up next to the boy in my bed, and

sleep.

If you were here
In this time
In this space
I would marry yu
Before the proposal left your lips.
I would swear to love
Only you
And our four beautiful children
And our life together
Until our flesh leaves our bones.
But you are not here
He is here
And we are in love
Clasped tightly together.
We have no future
No past
But we are entwined in the present
And though I can see myself
Waking up to you
For the rest of my life-
It is his face I see
In the morning.
It is his lips I kiss.
For you are too far
To be real to me.

Such fickle creatures are we
That in the dark night
Wish for things that we cannot have.

Such foolish creatures
That in our heart of hearts
Yearn for things we will never experience.

Mid-Summer in Texas
Shorts and tank tops
Lemonade and tubing
Cold beers and live music

Inside the apartment
Jeans and cardigan
Juice and sadness
Writing and Ida Maria

Within my heart
Arteries and Valves
Blood and feeling
Hurting but pumping

I would rather sit and write,
I would rather study all night,
I would rather drink and fight.
But duty calls me.

I know why it is called
"the small death".
When you lay spent
In my arms
After your heart
Has ceased its wondrous beat
And syncs with my own.
In these moments
While you are purely mine
I would scarcely believe
You were alive
If not for our heartbeats
Entwined.

My heart catches in my throat
And I can't breath.
My eyes sting and I choke back emotion.

"Life brings disappointment and happiness
But the good outweighs the bad..."

Since when?

Darkness
Winding roads
I am afraid-
But you will find me,
Just as you found me before.
With you
I think I feel safe.

No longer will I listen when they tell me
"He isn't enough."
He is exactly what I need.
I may not be his hope,
But he is mine.
The only lie now is that
I don't love him-
He has won my heart.

I am weary
My insecurities and your absence
Keep me awake.
Furious that I,
Strong and independent woman,
Rely so heavily on you
And am helpless
But to ache
When you're away.

Such a large leap
I need my safety net.
I am afraid
Excited
Nervous
In love
Suspicious
Everything at one time.
Leaving my nest
And joining yours
Just a move across town
Feels like a move worlds away.

How do I thank you
For all you do
My handsome Muse?

I feel my life ticking away
I feel a need to be a mother
But I can hardly handle a dog
And I am not married
I am in love
But that is not enough.
I want to carry life within me
But I cannot.

Am I the only one
Wanting it to be
Just like the good
Ole days?

I don't want to mess this up
I don't want to be scared
I want this to go smoothly
I don't want to worry about
Why we aren't cuddling
Why you don't have time for me
Why we don't hang out with your friends
Why this is going so fast
Why can't it go any faster
I love you dearly
I love you madly
I love you sweetly
I love you tenderly
I love you entirely
So why am I so paranoid?

In the heat of passion
The fiery kind
Not of love,
But of anger,
Our life together
Hangs on the precipice.

The night is dark
I feel alone
And I run quickly
But you can catch me
If you want to,
And you do.

"Should I leave?"
And I can hear
The frustration.
But I curl
Into fetal safety
On the ground.

I beg you to stay
Promise I won't drink again
I'll never be this monster
I promise you the sun
And the moon
Marriage and children

You pick me up
Off the ground
And tell me you forgive me
And take me home,
Take me to bed
And hold my hair back.

I am sick
But you kiss me anyway
And promise
Not to remember this night
And that tomorrow
Will be new.

Sometimes no isn't enough.
Sometimes there is no escape.
Sometimes there is pain.
Sometimes there is no water hot enough
or in abundance enough to wash away the
disgusting feeling of being used.

Sometimes you can't scream loud enough.
Sometimes you can't kick hard enough.
Sometimes you can't cry enough.
Sometimes you wish you could just fall
asleep and never wake up and you pray that
no one will find you feeling so low.

Because the only thing worse than feeling this badly
is when someone asks, "Why?"

It isn't fair
That I still have feelings
For you after all this time.

It isn't fair
That you swoop in
When this relationship is rocky.

It isn't fair
That you still have
My undying affection.

How will this unfold?