Will I ever find a place
To rest my weary heart?
Will I ever find acceptance
To rest my tender soul?
Will I ever find friendship
To heal my broken heart?
Will I ever find forgiveness
To remedy what is done?

We have never had to compete.
You are so much older than I am
So much prettier
So much wittier (you have said so yourself).
You are healthy
Not very wealthy
You proclaim your wisdom.

But I don't think you are as wise as you think.
With your doctorate,
You may have book learnin'
But you never learned how to be a part of our family.

I don't live in a liberal state
I don't eat all organic things
I am not involved in as many things
as you feel I should be
But I am trying to find my way
Without destroying our mother.

Every time you come
You bring chaos
And hurtful words.
You bring blame and hate
And you spew it.

You never think of anyone except
For yourself
And you twist the truth
In your mind,
Like you lied about being kidnapped,
Until you believe that you are the wronged.

You don't feel safe?
I don't feel safe with you.
I'm glad we don't compete...
There's no way I could win,
And hurt Mom, or our sister, or our nephew...
Or anyone
As much as you do.

Girls of the world
Do you remember
When they told you,
To love your body
And to love yourself-
Regardless of your
Shape, size, skin?

Girls of the world
Do not believe
Their hateful lies.

Girls of the world
Hate your body
And change it until
It's perfect-
Because you will never
Be loved, accepted
Even if you love yourself.

Girls of the world
I thought it would
All fall into place.

Girls of the world
I loved my body
And was comfortable
In MY skin
But those I loved most
Could not love me
For the skin I was in.

Girls of the world
Beauty is not subjective
It is precise.

Girls of the world
Do not fall into the trap
Of thinking you are:
Beautiful, perfect in your own way
Because you are not
You can only be
Perfect in one way.

In the kitchen, there's more spice
Than lives in the cupboard.

Pressed against the door, I feel more heat
Than emerging from the stove.

You won't remember me tomorrow,
And if you do it will be as her roommate.
What a bitter pill to swallow
When you realize that your life has no meaning.
I won't be remembered in the morning,
I won't be missed when I go home
To write words that climb so slowly up my throat
That I may ***** (though that might be *****).
No one will care that I left early.
No one will care if I disappear
Right at this very instant.
I am not beautiful and I never will be.
I am not intelligent and though I strive to be,
I know that is unobtainable.
I am not outgoing
I am not social
I am not interesting
But what I am is sitting in the dark and quiet.
My tears are triple filtered.
Why can't I mean anything to anyone?

Because I'd rather live anywhere
Except with you.

Such fickle creatures are we
That in the dark night
Wish for things that we cannot have.

Such foolish creatures
That in our heart of hearts
Yearn for things we will never experience.

"What are you thinking about?"
Eyes drooping sleepily,
Hands slowly traveling up and down.
"I just need to hold you."
Bliss.

You taste of Hawaiian Punch and cigarettes,
Like sunshine in the dark.
One taste is of youthful play-
Sweet and ****, artificial flavoring.
It would taste lovely in a park,
On the lake
When I was ten.
The other taste is one of hardship-
Blackened lungs and bad habits.
It tastes bitter in your mouth,
In the dark,
When we lay together.

I used to wear this hair as a badge of courage
That the fire in me would never subside.
But now I find myself broken down
Digested by life.

I used to wear this hair to spite life
To challenge it to a never ending duel.
But now I find myself defeated
Incapacitated if you will.

I used to wear this hair as a declaration
That I would always be spunky.
But now I find myself deflated
Unable to continue on.

Just when I think
You've gone for good
You show me
That I'm still needed.

I am convenient.
I am here when you have no one
So you seek me.
You know I will always be around
And am desperate enough for love
To cling to anything you give me.
But when you have a new
Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Coworker
Suddenly I disappear.
So maybe this time I will disappear.
Maybe this time I'll leave
And next time you want
Something convenient
You will have to look elsewhere.

The windows are rolled down
The wind tosses my hair
Already curly, it turns into a tangled mess.
Later he'll calm the storm
And run his fingers though.
He'll grip it tightly
And pull me in for a kiss.

The radio plays loudly
But in the passenger's seat I can barely hear it.
My heart is beating in my ears
His hand is resting on my knee.
He grips it tightly
And leans over for a kiss.

You wooed my mother
And impressed my sister
Both difficult things to manage.
Now you are risking your good standing
To ask her permission
For us to share a home.
She will know then
That we share a bed
That someday we hope to share a life
That you want me to stay forever.
But I respect you, so much.
Regardless of what happens,
You are my hero-
You are my knight.

Your child bearing hips
Are crushing my diaphragm
I have lost my life.

White noise
Wind
Smoke
Oblivion.

In the heat of passion
The fiery kind
Not of love,
But of anger,
Our life together
Hangs on the precipice.

The night is dark
I feel alone
And I run quickly
But you can catch me
If you want to,
And you do.

"Should I leave?"
And I can hear
The frustration.
But I curl
Into fetal safety
On the ground.

I beg you to stay
Promise I won't drink again
I'll never be this monster
I promise you the sun
And the moon
Marriage and children

You pick me up
Off the ground
And tell me you forgive me
And take me home,
Take me to bed
And hold my hair back.

I am sick
But you kiss me anyway
And promise
Not to remember this night
And that tomorrow
Will be new.

I am dramatic.
I like to overreact.
I like to laugh loudly
I enjoy sobbing
I make big deals out of things
I make grand statements
If you don't like it...?

Go away.

I would rather sit and write,
I would rather study all night,
I would rather drink and fight.
But duty calls me.

I know why it is called
"the small death".
When you lay spent
In my arms
After your heart
Has ceased its wondrous beat
And syncs with my own.
In these moments
While you are purely mine
I would scarcely believe
You were alive
If not for our heartbeats
Entwined.

I know you are sitting in the other room
And I know you aren't avoiding me
Like I'm avoiding you right now.
If I see you right now, I might cry
With frustration.
You are my dear friend
I need you right now
And I wish I didn't have to step on eggshells around you.
We all have problems, deary.
We all have stories and pasts.
And I know you are afraid to talk to me about it
And you always say that we won't understand
But I promise I will understand,
Regardless.
You have been there for me through
everything
Lean on me? Even if it feels awkward.
*please

I don't want to mess this up
I don't want to be scared
I want this to go smoothly
I don't want to worry about
Why we aren't cuddling
Why you don't have time for me
Why we don't hang out with your friends
Why this is going so fast
Why can't it go any faster
I love you dearly
I love you madly
I love you sweetly
I love you tenderly
I love you entirely
So why am I so paranoid?

I do not know
Why I am so hesitant to trust you.
Maybe it is because
You so easily maneuvered your way
Into the lives of those around me.
I am suspicious of you-
And I make you a promise
That if you do anything untoward
Or break her heart-
I will immortalize you
In print
As an *******.

When people around me
Make decisions
That are more than questionable
It makes me
Want to join the fray
And make decisions
To destroy my life as well.
Yes I'll have some ice cream
Yes I'll smoke the cigarette
Yes I'll wallow in self loathing
Isn't that what you are doing?
Making decisions
That seem delicious now
But will turn out badly
And will leave you
In tears with your head
On my shoulder
Wishing that things had
Been different?
They would be different if only
You would break
The cycle.

I cannot restrict your freedom
Because I will not forfeit my own.
We deserve equality.
But perhaps it is not possible.
I stay in, not because I have to
But because all I know is here.
You have adventure
That heart that leads you elsewhere
And I cannot have that
Because it is not intrinsic.
You are gone
And only I remain.
In our bed on a summer's night
I question why you have not
Come home.

Greedily *******
So cold
and wet.
Throat sticking
Needing sweet,
immediate relief.
Calamitous spill
Like river
through gorge.
Morning desperation
Drink until
water satiates.

How difficult it is
To remain indifferent
To abuses in the workplace
When you know that
You will never rise above
What you are.

How difficult it is
To remain dedicated
To the work you do
When you know that
No one appreciates it
And it only your pride acknowledges it.

How difficult it is
To try to be a full time employee
And do more than expected
When you know that
You will never make more
Than you did at the beginning.

How difficult it is
To try to work like you were taught
And be proud of the work you do
When you know that
No matter the quality
You will always be that part-time office *****.

Mid-Summer in Texas
Shorts and tank tops
Lemonade and tubing
Cold beers and live music

Inside the apartment
Jeans and cardigan
Juice and sadness
Writing and Ida Maria

Within my heart
Arteries and Valves
Blood and feeling
Hurting but pumping

Why are you so difficult to please?
Why do you try to make me sad?
I do not try to make you upset intentionally.
Sometimes I tease and may take it too far,
But it is not because I'm trying to hurt you.
Nothing I am or ever will be
Will be enough to be your friend
And the sad part is that I will continue-
I will continue to try.
So go slam your door and hide in your room
And I will sit out here and sigh
And when this moment of hormones has subsided
I hope we will try again.

You shine so brightly
You are unforgettable.
People remember your name.
Your witty words fall from your lips
Enchanting everyone around you.

I bet you have no idea what you do
But I would **** to do what you can.
There is no reason for me to be around
When you are in such rare form.

I envy you.

It isn't fair
That I still have feelings
For you after all this time.

It isn't fair
That you swoop in
When this relationship is rocky.

It isn't fair
That you still have
My undying affection.

How will this unfold?

Water invades my nose and lungs
I cannot untangle my feet from the rope
Rocks continue to rip the skin from my feet
Tearing and bruising my knees.
The rapids are pulling me out and under
I cannot find a place to stop.
I surface but only see trees rush past
I can feel rocks to stop myself
But my bare feet cannot find traction.
I grab a tree root, and pull myself up.
The water is still strong, but I am lucky.
I laugh hysterically, until I sob.
I shake in the water and wait for help.
I am alive.

You will not miss me
When I move across town.
You are already distancing yourself.
I will move.
We will forget to talk
We will grow apart
And then the unthinkable will happen.
I will be left with no one
And you won't even be there.
I won't know how to talk to you
We will have forgotten how to be friends.

Darling,
Your teeth are too sharp
To be chewing on my foot.
Instead, perhaps,
They would be put to better use
Chewing the food that I put down.
Perhaps if you did that
Along with had some water
You would not cry with hunger pains.
When you do that
I promise to play with you
And end your lonely cries.

I do not inspire your passion.
Maybe it is because you don't know
All that you should do.

I do not ignite your flame.
Maybe it is because I am not enough
To make your blood flow.

I do not satisfy.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough
To get you hard enough.

I will support you
With all that I am
With all the friendship
That we have developed
Over the years.
But just because
I support you
Does not mean
That I approve.

What darkness have you come from?
A child sleeping in tent city
Hearing the flick of bic lighters
And listening to the sounds of death.
Nothing to fill your tiny belly
Working to put food in your mouth
And the mouths of those who
Should have taken care of you.
Now you work hard
Harder than anyone I've known
And strive to never be
Like those who barely let you live.
And the fact that you work
To never be in that place again
And the love that you are still capable to exude
Makes me love you.
You could be so broken,
But you are not.

Smile, sweet girl-
Smile through the tears.
You are beautiful,
Even when no one says it.
You are loved,
Even when it feels insincere.
You are wanted,
Even when it seems like leaving you is so easy.
You do not need any one
To validate you.
You are strong.
You are smiling through your heartbreak.

You are the one I come home to
After a long day of expectation.
I long for your warmth and comfort
After a long day of frustration.
You are the one I turn to
After a long day of exasperation.
You are the one to make everything better
And after a long day, I love you even more.

Last night I had a dream
And there was laughter.
The kind of laughter that you never forget,
With a haunting evil you can never be rid of.
I ran as fast as I could,
Into a church
Where I was turned away.
"You cannot sing!"
Fear.
"But song is how I feel closest to God"
And I know he can keep me safe.
I hid in that sanctuary
Until you slid in bed
And wrapped your arms around me.
I would have sat in the pews
Until I wasted away.
Instead I found comfort
In the taste of your lips.

Am I the only one
Wanting it to be
Just like the good
Ole days?

My hair is untamed
My skin marred with freckles
Great expanses of alabaster skin
My hips are wide as the sea
My curves are easy to follow
My ***** is generous
And my smile crooked and easy.
Beautiful does not mean perfect
It is my imperfections
That you cannot deny
Or take away from me.

Let them not take advantage
Those who would describe themselves as family
Let them not use your loyalty
Let them not use your sympathy
To burden you with responsibilities that are theirs.
Keep the love that is within your heart
And share it with those who would return it
But keep that which can be used against your favor
Tucked neatly away from such prying fingers.

Your musical choices
Like your poetry
Are interesting pieces.
I am jealous
Of your eccentricities.

I love our languid kisses
Slowly taken in the silence
Hiding in the shadows
Away from prying eyes.

Our love is slow
And beautiful
And how tenderly-
Desperately I want you.

I taste you for days
But am always delightfully surprised
I know your body
But I'm still discovering

I feel you grow
And change with me
Explorers, in our own right,
Of the passion we share.

Sleep does not find me
Because I am hiding.

What if I fall back
Into that black abyss?

Who will wake me
From my terror?

We build shelves
We cook dinner
We grocery shop
We walk the puppy
We make love
We argue quietly
We play hard

The phone is silent.
My ears crane to hear
The door that will not open.
My every fiber aches
Longing for a sign that you are okay.
My heart beats slowly
Loud and heavy.
Anger and anxiety
Not knowing what to feel.
Your side is cold
I wish I knew where you were.
You should be here.
You told me why you were going out
But evening has turned to night
You said you'd be back by now.
I want to sleep
Maybe it will hasten your arrival
And alleviate my fear
But maybe you won't return
Either way I lay-
Think of all the reason
Why I wish you were here.
Please come home.

Your warm nose
You playing with my hair
Your licks and playful nips
Your soft belly, warm and full
We have a special love
Between a girl and her pup.