You taste of Hawaiian Punch and cigarettes,
Like sunshine in the dark.
One taste is of youthful play-
Sweet and ****, artificial flavoring.
It would taste lovely in a park,
On the lake
When I was ten.
The other taste is one of hardship-
Blackened lungs and bad habits.
It tastes bitter in your mouth,
In the dark,
When we lay together.

I do not know
Why I am so hesitant to trust you.
Maybe it is because
You so easily maneuvered your way
Into the lives of those around me.
I am suspicious of you-
And I make you a promise
That if you do anything untoward
Or break her heart-
I will immortalize you
In print
As an *******.

Sleep does not find me
Because I am hiding.

What if I fall back
Into that black abyss?

Who will wake me
From my terror?

I am laying in our bed-
But you are not here.
I am not crying this time,
But you have no idea
How empty this is
Without you.

Last night I had a dream
And there was laughter.
The kind of laughter that you never forget,
With a haunting evil you can never be rid of.
I ran as fast as I could,
Into a church
Where I was turned away.
"You cannot sing!"
Fear.
"But song is how I feel closest to God"
And I know he can keep me safe.
I hid in that sanctuary
Until you slid in bed
And wrapped your arms around me.
I would have sat in the pews
Until I wasted away.
Instead I found comfort
In the taste of your lips.

How sweet you feel
Gently surrounding me.
You are patient and warm
You fill me with sweet sensations.
You offer me sweet release.
I am blissful in your embrace.

I will give you access
To my center,
To my core,
My heart and soul-
But my words are my own.

On the stairs I took you
I've never liked to be in control
But I wanted to show you
How much you mean to me-
And how unafraid I was
To show it.
I have said you are not handsome
But now I see your heart
And you are more beautiful
Than any Greek sculpture.
I have said you love was lacking
But now I see your innocence
And your tenderness.
I was quick to judge-
But you are more
Than just the boy in my bed.

I don't trust him.
Or maybe I trust him,
But not with your heart.
I'm not sure if you remember,
But I do.
I remember what he did
To your beautiful heart.
I remember your tears
And I remember that you said,
That you
Did not want to lead him on.
But that is what you are doing.
You are sad because
The one you loved
Has decided your relationship
Is not worth fixing.
Now you are back
With someone who,
May be convenient,
But you said you would not be with.
I know you will do
What is best for your heart-
But as your friend,
I wish you would be careful.

I would rather sit and write,
I would rather study all night,
I would rather drink and fight.
But duty calls me.

Darling,
Your teeth are too sharp
To be chewing on my foot.
Instead, perhaps,
They would be put to better use
Chewing the food that I put down.
Perhaps if you did that
Along with had some water
You would not cry with hunger pains.
When you do that
I promise to play with you
And end your lonely cries.

Tonight there is a party.
They both will go,
And out of pity/politeness/civility
They will invite me.
I know they do not want me to go.
I am certain their friends feel the same.
So I will beg off
And pretend like staying in
With my new canine friend
Will be much more fun.
But the truth is
I would much rather be making
A human connection.
But even if I went
It would not matter much.
Most of my time would be spent
Nursing some alcoholic beverage
Praying for it to last a little longer
And listening to people tell me to loosen up.
I guess I was never made
For these kinds of things
Because I can't loosen up,
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I drink
No matter how many nights I go home and cry
And swear to be different
So that someday
Someone like-minded
Will look at me and really ask,
"Party time?"

This is where I belong.
The house is quiet;
One is out with a boy-
She offered to take me with,
But what kind of pathetic fool
Do you take me for?
I'm not your third wheel.
Another is up in her room-
Locked in her tower,
And I always wonder
Is she lonely?
The final is in her sanctuary-
I can hear the music blaring,
I don't mind though,
Is she even listening?

What joy you bring to my life,
My four legged friend.
Even when I am at my most melancholy,
Your sweet face makes me smile.

What happiness you give me,
My dearest pup.
Even when all others tire of me,
You look at me with those adoring eyes.

Thank you.

What good your life
When your absence
Only benefits those around you?
When they can do without your awkward comments
Because you are trying to make people laugh
When they can do without anything you say
When they are so anxious to move away
When they are so ready to be through with you.
If I could give you a gift
I would let you be through with me
But I am not financially stable enough
To leave.

Your musical choices
Like your poetry
Are interesting pieces.
I am jealous
Of your eccentricities.

Your child bearing hips
Are crushing my diaphragm
I have lost my life.

"What are you thinking about?"
Eyes drooping sleepily,
Hands slowly traveling up and down.
"I just need to hold you."
Bliss.

Darkness
Winding roads
I am afraid-
But you will find me,
Just as you found me before.
With you
I think I feel safe.

No longer will I listen when they tell me
"He isn't enough."
He is exactly what I need.
I may not be his hope,
But he is mine.
The only lie now is that
I don't love him-
He has won my heart.

We never really saw eye to eye
We never really had the chance to get to know
But I think somehow,
In this life
We connected.

Now you are completely off limits-
Not like you were before
When it was only slightly off limits.
The ring on your finger
Serves as the perfect deterrent.

I wish you both the happiest
Because what more is there to say?
I wish you both the smoothest journey
Through this life and into the next.
Goodbye.

Yes everything is half-priced
Twit
Do not make me repeat myself.

You can read, can't you?
Fool
It is on the sign.

Do not hold up something
Idiot
I'm not trying to trick you.

I was going to tell you goodbye-
My plan was to end things
Before they really began.
And my plan would have worked
But for your sweet pacification.

Why do you love me?
Trying so desperately to break your heart
But you cling to me
Like I am your only hope.
I am not your hope.

I do not inspire your passion.
Maybe it is because you don't know
All that you should do.

I do not ignite your flame.
Maybe it is because I am not enough
To make your blood flow.

I do not satisfy.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough
To get you hard enough.

The soft glow in the dark
Ash drops into a glass dish
Conversation feels easy
Death feels warm
And slides smoothly into my lungs

I feel sad for your plight.
You love one, but yearn for another.
It will be okay
Whatever your heart decides.
Your steadfastness is beautiful
And your loyalty is inspirational.
For someone who, I find,
Feels she has such low standards and low opinions of herself,
I must confess
I look up to you a great deal.
(Despite the obscene obsession with *****)

P.S.
Though your ability to win at drinking games
Is in short, astounding.

Tears and silence.
Soft kisses and secrets.
"I love you."
Silence.

Heart break and hunger.
Rough finger tips and stubble.
"I love you, too."
Lies.

Such fickle creatures are we
That in the dark night
Wish for things that we cannot have.

Such foolish creatures
That in our heart of hearts
Yearn for things we will never experience.

So fleeting
I am not in love with you
I cannot see myself
Down any road with you
But you are sweet
And you are warm.
I am settling
Your soft skin against mine
And your whispers in the dark.
I cannot break your heart
Even though mine is filled
With unending disappointment.

I see how you look at me
Your eyes are not filled with fiery lust
They are filled with sweet adoration
For this girl
Who is selfish
And bitter.
And every time you kiss my shoulder
To wake me in the morning
My heart breaks for you
Because I am slowly pulling away
Rolling off your pillow
And making my way
Out of your life.

I am so sorry
I wish I could deserve such beauty
And could return it to you.
But I cannot
And though I lay with you
Staring at the whirling fan
I will not lie to you
And return your declarations of love.

I feel as if my shell has been hollowed
And all that remains is the smile
I keep plastered to my face
Like Phantom's mask
I conceal that which I cannot deny.
My heart has swelled
And now it has burst.
I have nothing left to give the world.
Lowered expectations help me none,
I should have none at all.
I should have learned to feel nothing,
To say nothing and to think nothing.
I listen and I hear all these words
And I crave to be a part of their world.
I crave to have a voice, to be heard.
I crave meaning, and to think things of value,
But what use is it when all my words turn to nothing,
When all my thoughts are inadequate.
Your drunken words are beyond my sober thoughts.
Leave me to my solitude and my sleep.
I will wake in the morning and work.
I will come home and smile.
But know it is hollow.
I have found my place - in the shadows.

You shine so brightly
You are unforgettable.
People remember your name.
Your witty words fall from your lips
Enchanting everyone around you.

I bet you have no idea what you do
But I would **** to do what you can.
There is no reason for me to be around
When you are in such rare form.

I envy you.

You won't remember me tomorrow,
And if you do it will be as her roommate.
What a bitter pill to swallow
When you realize that your life has no meaning.
I won't be remembered in the morning,
I won't be missed when I go home
To write words that climb so slowly up my throat
That I may ***** (though that might be *****).
No one will care that I left early.
No one will care if I disappear
Right at this very instant.
I am not beautiful and I never will be.
I am not intelligent and though I strive to be,
I know that is unobtainable.
I am not outgoing
I am not social
I am not interesting
But what I am is sitting in the dark and quiet.
My tears are triple filtered.
Why can't I mean anything to anyone?

I'm sorry that I stole your site
I'm sorry that I'm not a better friend.

I'm trying to do better.

I hope you knew I was serious
When I said you were like my sister.

I borrow your purse,
And you borrow my shoes.

Sometimes we fight,
Sometimes we lay on my bed
        and giggle at silly romance novels.

We go on shopping trips
We share music.

Sometimes we bake together.
Sometimes we drink together
        (Mostly just you, but I keep you company)

I know you feel alienated and awkward
I know you like to keep your emotions to yourself

But I like to think we're close.
I'm going to believe that you feel the same.

The windows are rolled down
The wind tosses my hair
Already curly, it turns into a tangled mess.
Later he'll calm the storm
And run his fingers though.
He'll grip it tightly
And pull me in for a kiss.

The radio plays loudly
But in the passenger's seat I can barely hear it.
My heart is beating in my ears
His hand is resting on my knee.
He grips it tightly
And leans over for a kiss.

Lips touching in the dark
Blind caressing, a caught breath -
"What are we?"
Silence.
"In love."

Greedily *******
So cold
and wet.
Throat sticking
Needing sweet,
immediate relief.
Calamitous spill
Like river
through gorge.
Morning desperation
Drink until
water satiates.

Sometimes no isn't enough.
Sometimes there is no escape.
Sometimes there is pain.
Sometimes there is no water hot enough
or in abundance enough to wash away the
disgusting feeling of being used.

Sometimes you can't scream loud enough.
Sometimes you can't kick hard enough.
Sometimes you can't cry enough.
Sometimes you wish you could just fall
asleep and never wake up and you pray that
no one will find you feeling so low.

Because the only thing worse than feeling this badly
is when someone asks, "Why?"

My heart catches in my throat
And I can't breath.
My eyes sting and I choke back emotion.

"Life brings disappointment and happiness
But the good outweighs the bad..."

Since when?

We have never had to compete.
You are so much older than I am
So much prettier
So much wittier (you have said so yourself).
You are healthy
Not very wealthy
You proclaim your wisdom.

But I don't think you are as wise as you think.
With your doctorate,
You may have book learnin'
But you never learned how to be a part of our family.

I don't live in a liberal state
I don't eat all organic things
I am not involved in as many things
as you feel I should be
But I am trying to find my way
Without destroying our mother.

Every time you come
You bring chaos
And hurtful words.
You bring blame and hate
And you spew it.

You never think of anyone except
For yourself
And you twist the truth
In your mind,
Like you lied about being kidnapped,
Until you believe that you are the wronged.

You don't feel safe?
I don't feel safe with you.
I'm glad we don't compete...
There's no way I could win,
And hurt Mom, or our sister, or our nephew...
Or anyone
As much as you do.

I know you are sitting in the other room
And I know you aren't avoiding me
Like I'm avoiding you right now.
If I see you right now, I might cry
With frustration.
You are my dear friend
I need you right now
And I wish I didn't have to step on eggshells around you.
We all have problems, deary.
We all have stories and pasts.
And I know you are afraid to talk to me about it
And you always say that we won't understand
But I promise I will understand,
Regardless.
You have been there for me through
everything
Lean on me? Even if it feels awkward.
*please

I love the way your skin feels on mine.
when it is pressed against my back.

I love the way your hands feel,
when they slip around my waist.

I love the way your lips feel,
when they caress my neck and shoulder.

I love the way your teeth feel,
when they drag across my skin.

I love the way my body feels,
when your touches set my skin on fire.

I love the way your body feels,
when you move between my legs
and kiss my fevered skin.

I love the way you hold me close,
when you are heading towards blissful release
and your lips seek mine with great fervor.

I love the way you hold me after,
when you are spent from passion.

I love that  you never seem to get too close,
even when you are hurting.

I think I may love you?

I thought that once employed
I would sleep better at night

instead

I am sitting awake
Four in the morning

complaining.

It's too hot
I'm too cold

thinking.

Does he like me?
Does he want to stay with me?

writing.

Poetry because it's too dark
to edit the words on my walls.

worrying.

Will I have enough for rent?
Can I afford to keep my cat.

even though,

All I really want to do
is curl up next to the boy in my bed, and

sleep.

There's a boy in my bed.
The bandage on his arm
makes me afraid to hold him,
or to let him hold me.
I'm afraid to hurt him
or to cause him any more pain
than life has given him.

He's not handsome,
Not an amazing lover.
He's made bad choices in his life.
And some are his fault,
some were forced on him.

But I like him
and he whispers that he loves me
when he thinks I'm not paying attention.
I don't want to lie to him
I'm not sure if I love him.
But I love it when he's the boy in my bed.

I don’t understand why our friendship is so hard
I’m trying to support you
I’m trying to defend you
But you make no case for yourself
When you run your mouth
And spew all these things
That make everyone feel angry.
Do you not understand?
I am trying to love you.
I know it is hard, but please,
Let me know I'm not trying in vain.