I used to wear this hair as a badge of courage
That the fire in me would never subside.
But now I find myself broken down
Digested by life.

I used to wear this hair to spite life
To challenge it to a never ending duel.
But now I find myself defeated
Incapacitated if you will.

I used to wear this hair as a declaration
That I would always be spunky.
But now I find myself deflated
Unable to continue on.

Girls of the world
Do you remember
When they told you,
To love your body
And to love yourself-
Regardless of your
Shape, size, skin?

Girls of the world
Do not believe
Their hateful lies.

Girls of the world
Hate your body
And change it until
It's perfect-
Because you will never
Be loved, accepted
Even if you love yourself.

Girls of the world
I thought it would
All fall into place.

Girls of the world
I loved my body
And was comfortable
In MY skin
But those I loved most
Could not love me
For the skin I was in.

Girls of the world
Beauty is not subjective
It is precise.

Girls of the world
Do not fall into the trap
Of thinking you are:
Beautiful, perfect in your own way
Because you are not
You can only be
Perfect in one way.

Am I the only one
Wanting it to be
Just like the good
Ole days?

How difficult it is
To remain indifferent
To abuses in the workplace
When you know that
You will never rise above
What you are.

How difficult it is
To remain dedicated
To the work you do
When you know that
No one appreciates it
And it only your pride acknowledges it.

How difficult it is
To try to be a full time employee
And do more than expected
When you know that
You will never make more
Than you did at the beginning.

How difficult it is
To try to work like you were taught
And be proud of the work you do
When you know that
No matter the quality
You will always be that part-time office *****.

Let them not take advantage
Those who would describe themselves as family
Let them not use your loyalty
Let them not use your sympathy
To burden you with responsibilities that are theirs.
Keep the love that is within your heart
And share it with those who would return it
But keep that which can be used against your favor
Tucked neatly away from such prying fingers.

White noise
Wind
Smoke
Oblivion.

You are the one I come home to
After a long day of expectation.
I long for your warmth and comfort
After a long day of frustration.
You are the one I turn to
After a long day of exasperation.
You are the one to make everything better
And after a long day, I love you even more.

Silly girl, you think they care?
Say your petty thing
And watch as they don't react.

Silly girl, you think they're friends?
Look for them in times of need
And watch as they aren't there.

Silly girl, since when do you have feelings?
You should have learned to live without
Look what having them can do.

Will I ever find a place
To rest my weary heart?
Will I ever find acceptance
To rest my tender soul?
Will I ever find friendship
To heal my broken heart?
Will I ever find forgiveness
To remedy what is done?

Mid-Summer in Texas
Shorts and tank tops
Lemonade and tubing
Cold beers and live music

Inside the apartment
Jeans and cardigan
Juice and sadness
Writing and Ida Maria

Within my heart
Arteries and Valves
Blood and feeling
Hurting but pumping

Of what do I have more to give?
You have my heart, soul, and faith.

What more can you want?
You have my trust, affection, and desire.

And yet I feel as if it is not enough,
As you leave me laying in disappointment.

I suppose all I have left to give,
Is my youthful naivety.

In the heat of passion
The fiery kind
Not of love,
But of anger,
Our life together
Hangs on the precipice.

The night is dark
I feel alone
And I run quickly
But you can catch me
If you want to,
And you do.

"Should I leave?"
And I can hear
The frustration.
But I curl
Into fetal safety
On the ground.

I beg you to stay
Promise I won't drink again
I'll never be this monster
I promise you the sun
And the moon
Marriage and children

You pick me up
Off the ground
And tell me you forgive me
And take me home,
Take me to bed
And hold my hair back.

I am sick
But you kiss me anyway
And promise
Not to remember this night
And that tomorrow
Will be new.

We build shelves
We cook dinner
We grocery shop
We walk the puppy
We make love
We argue quietly
We play hard

In the kitchen, there's more spice
Than lives in the cupboard.

Pressed against the door, I feel more heat
Than emerging from the stove.

How do I thank you
For all you do
My handsome Muse?

You are smooth and firm
You are soft and malleable
You are young and old
You are mine.

I love our languid kisses
Slowly taken in the silence
Hiding in the shadows
Away from prying eyes.

Our love is slow
And beautiful
And how tenderly-
Desperately I want you.

I taste you for days
But am always delightfully surprised
I know your body
But I'm still discovering

I feel you grow
And change with me
Explorers, in our own right,
Of the passion we share.

Because I'd rather live anywhere
Except with you.

What darkness have you come from?
A child sleeping in tent city
Hearing the flick of bic lighters
And listening to the sounds of death.
Nothing to fill your tiny belly
Working to put food in your mouth
And the mouths of those who
Should have taken care of you.
Now you work hard
Harder than anyone I've known
And strive to never be
Like those who barely let you live.
And the fact that you work
To never be in that place again
And the love that you are still capable to exude
Makes me love you.
You could be so broken,
But you are not.

I write, hoping to soothe
My weary mind.
But it will not shut off
And it takes every fiber of my pride
Not to call
Ask when you will be home
And confess I have forgotten
How to sleep alone.

Such a shame
I can only write
Whilst in pain.

I cannot restrict your freedom
Because I will not forfeit my own.
We deserve equality.
But perhaps it is not possible.
I stay in, not because I have to
But because all I know is here.
You have adventure
That heart that leads you elsewhere
And I cannot have that
Because it is not intrinsic.
You are gone
And only I remain.
In our bed on a summer's night
I question why you have not
Come home.

I am weary
My insecurities and your absence
Keep me awake.
Furious that I,
Strong and independent woman,
Rely so heavily on you
And am helpless
But to ache
When you're away.

I am the new girl to ignore.
The one who won't live here no more.
The one you can turn a blind eye to
The girl who doesn't exist to you.
"You are leaving because you hate us?"
Isn't that what you said to her?
Our friendship is now on hiatus
What are you trying to guilt me for?

The phone is silent.
My ears crane to hear
The door that will not open.
My every fiber aches
Longing for a sign that you are okay.
My heart beats slowly
Loud and heavy.
Anger and anxiety
Not knowing what to feel.
Your side is cold
I wish I knew where you were.
You should be here.
You told me why you were going out
But evening has turned to night
You said you'd be back by now.
I want to sleep
Maybe it will hasten your arrival
And alleviate my fear
But maybe you won't return
Either way I lay-
Think of all the reason
Why I wish you were here.
Please come home.

You will not miss me
When I move across town.
You are already distancing yourself.
I will move.
We will forget to talk
We will grow apart
And then the unthinkable will happen.
I will be left with no one
And you won't even be there.
I won't know how to talk to you
We will have forgotten how to be friends.

You wooed my mother
And impressed my sister
Both difficult things to manage.
Now you are risking your good standing
To ask her permission
For us to share a home.
She will know then
That we share a bed
That someday we hope to share a life
That you want me to stay forever.
But I respect you, so much.
Regardless of what happens,
You are my hero-
You are my knight.

Why are you so difficult to please?
Why do you try to make me sad?
I do not try to make you upset intentionally.
Sometimes I tease and may take it too far,
But it is not because I'm trying to hurt you.
Nothing I am or ever will be
Will be enough to be your friend
And the sad part is that I will continue-
I will continue to try.
So go slam your door and hide in your room
And I will sit out here and sigh
And when this moment of hormones has subsided
I hope we will try again.

Water invades my nose and lungs
I cannot untangle my feet from the rope
Rocks continue to rip the skin from my feet
Tearing and bruising my knees.
The rapids are pulling me out and under
I cannot find a place to stop.
I surface but only see trees rush past
I can feel rocks to stop myself
But my bare feet cannot find traction.
I grab a tree root, and pull myself up.
The water is still strong, but I am lucky.
I laugh hysterically, until I sob.
I shake in the water and wait for help.
I am alive.

Such a large leap
I need my safety net.
I am afraid
Excited
Nervous
In love
Suspicious
Everything at one time.
Leaving my nest
And joining yours
Just a move across town
Feels like a move worlds away.

Be wary, young lady
Do not assign your self worth
To what others give to you
For as easily and freely as it is given
It can be taken away.
But if you can stand alone
If you can exist in a place
Where you recognize your own value-
Be at peace.

Just when I think
You've gone for good
You show me
That I'm still needed.

I am convenient.
I am here when you have no one
So you seek me.
You know I will always be around
And am desperate enough for love
To cling to anything you give me.
But when you have a new
Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Coworker
Suddenly I disappear.
So maybe this time I will disappear.
Maybe this time I'll leave
And next time you want
Something convenient
You will have to look elsewhere.

What we did not like about her?
What we complained about?
That she made us feel like we weren't worth it,
Like we weren't important
Now that she had someone to love?
You're making me feel this way.
And I should be used to it
Because you always do this
When you are with someone.
So what does it matter
If I move out now
And go be with someone who cares about me
And loves me.
Yes I may have only known him
For this short time-
But I have known you for years
And you break my heart
Easier than anyone I know.

I feel my life ticking away
I feel a need to be a mother
But I can hardly handle a dog
And I am not married
I am in love
But that is not enough.
I want to carry life within me
But I cannot.

I don't want to mess this up
I don't want to be scared
I want this to go smoothly
I don't want to worry about
Why we aren't cuddling
Why you don't have time for me
Why we don't hang out with your friends
Why this is going so fast
Why can't it go any faster
I love you dearly
I love you madly
I love you sweetly
I love you tenderly
I love you entirely
So why am I so paranoid?

My hair is untamed
My skin marred with freckles
Great expanses of alabaster skin
My hips are wide as the sea
My curves are easy to follow
My ***** is generous
And my smile crooked and easy.
Beautiful does not mean perfect
It is my imperfections
That you cannot deny
Or take away from me.

I know why it is called
"the small death".
When you lay spent
In my arms
After your heart
Has ceased its wondrous beat
And syncs with my own.
In these moments
While you are purely mine
I would scarcely believe
You were alive
If not for our heartbeats
Entwined.

First the lust
Then the love
Now the talk
Of marriage
And children?
How about
Grad school?
How about
Career?
What about
My writing?
You are not
Asking for
Sacrifice
And I will
Not offer
It up to you.
Why the rush?

I am dramatic.
I like to overreact.
I like to laugh loudly
I enjoy sobbing
I make big deals out of things
I make grand statements
If you don't like it...?

Go away.

I am tired of making excuses
For your lack of heart
Lack of kindness
Lack of anything resembling friendship.

You used me.
Under the pretense of friendship
You came here
Because it was convenient.

You never mean to hurt feelings
At least that is what you say
But I feel there is a sick thrill
When you know you've caused a rift.

You win
Sweet princess
With your ***** and your ***** clothes
You don't have to remember me.

(I won't remember you either)

Your warm nose
You playing with my hair
Your licks and playful nips
Your soft belly, warm and full
We have a special love
Between a girl and her pup.

If you were here
In this time
In this space
I would marry yu
Before the proposal left your lips.
I would swear to love
Only you
And our four beautiful children
And our life together
Until our flesh leaves our bones.
But you are not here
He is here
And we are in love
Clasped tightly together.
We have no future
No past
But we are entwined in the present
And though I can see myself
Waking up to you
For the rest of my life-
It is his face I see
In the morning.
It is his lips I kiss.
For you are too far
To be real to me.

It isn't fair
That I still have feelings
For you after all this time.

It isn't fair
That you swoop in
When this relationship is rocky.

It isn't fair
That you still have
My undying affection.

How will this unfold?

Oh how I would hold you
How I would love you
How I would give anything
I just want your time.

I don't need your  money
You don't need to buy me gifts
You don't need to buy me dinner
I just want your company.

There does not have to be passion
We don't have to make love
We don't have to talk much
I just want your touch.

I will support you
With all that I am
With all the friendship
That we have developed
Over the years.
But just because
I support you
Does not mean
That I approve.

When people around me
Make decisions
That are more than questionable
It makes me
Want to join the fray
And make decisions
To destroy my life as well.
Yes I'll have some ice cream
Yes I'll smoke the cigarette
Yes I'll wallow in self loathing
Isn't that what you are doing?
Making decisions
That seem delicious now
But will turn out badly
And will leave you
In tears with your head
On my shoulder
Wishing that things had
Been different?
They would be different if only
You would break
The cycle.

I never know
Whether you will stay
Or go.

I can never tell
If you mean
Truly well.

Smile, sweet girl-
Smile through the tears.
You are beautiful,
Even when no one says it.
You are loved,
Even when it feels insincere.
You are wanted,
Even when it seems like leaving you is so easy.
You do not need any one
To validate you.
You are strong.
You are smiling through your heartbreak.

Another night
Where I don't know
Where you are.

But you love me,
Right?

You feel lucky to have me,
Right?

Then why
Do I not
Believe you?