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She is grass cut fresh on the hill.
She is the chaos that's holding me still.
She is birds in a nest in a tree.
She is the formlessness I cannot see.
She is here.
She is now.
  She is bread in an oven.
She is a river of blood.
She  is the vein in Atlas' forearm.
She   is  juggling chainsaws and daffodils.
She    is the deer in the forest grown from the ashes of the last forest.
She  is everything and nothing and something and some more or less.
She is the Goddess who birthed all your gods.
She is the oldest and oddest of all.
    Sheisheaven,hell,thedeepestwell.
She is answer E) All of the above.
She is fierce, violent, conflagrate love.
She is the hole punch around the binder ring.
She is the throat through which we sing.
She is swimming through my eyes.
She is running through my mind all night.
She is whispering herself in my ear.
She is the ashes, the forest, the deer.
She will repeat it, if you did not hear.
She is She is Again and Again.

She is:

A story.


A good one.

I will read I will read Again and Again.
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine
Hello again.
        Been a while.
    I   know.

Apologies.

Are in order.

Out of order.
Restroom.
Where I can't flush my heart.
Throne of broken dreams.
I hear your

Elegies.

On the wind.
See our

Reveries.
On the backs of my eyes.
The underside of my mind...
begins to float

      I saw you today.
            Inside my two rooms.
                   Projection slides on the dark white
                         walls.
    You're bigger now.    A lot bigger than last
                                                               time

King of the jungle wild and free.
Too
big for this book,
too
fast for me
to
keep up.
If I could
speak up,
find the words,
I'd bring 'em right back and paste em right here for
all
to
see.

I
  see
        you.
  Closer.
             Every time I
   close my eyes.
You're faster now. Stronger now than you ever were.
          And if I could I'd go to see you there.
But this is still my world.
And I can't leave a good thing gone bad until I've tried every way there is to heal
it.


Tiger fangs
In my veins
     can't tear me from this throne.
Empower me
From your great forest seat
     and I will carry on.
And I'll sit                      And I'll ****
                 On this seat                        On this throne.
And I'll sing                   And I'll pray
                     This is broken                  Find your way.
And I'll breathe              And I'll be
                      In your eyes                    In your arms.
And I'll live                     And I'll die
                    Just for you                       Just for me.
I give up                          You forgive
                  All my love                         All your life.
And we run                     And we dive
                   To the night                         To our dream.


                 Good to see you.
                                    Happy to know...
                                    
                                                    Our work continues
                

                                                    which
                                  no matter             plane we land on.
                                                        if
                                  no matter             we land on our feet.
Emaho!

Today I closed my eyes and saw a tiger staring back at me.
Nose to nose.
And I've never felt more
Safe, right, or familiar,
more familiar
family-er.

The grief is lifted.
I miss
your hands
                     praising
your eyes
                   worshipping
I miss
   being better than human-

I miss the Goddess you introduced me to
and I am left in want
    of desire,
        adoration,
and absolute
        glorification
"I'm happy for you."
But I'm not.

Okay, maybe that's not really true.
I'm happy you can wake up each morning
Warm, not alone, safe,
Smiling.
I'm glad that you have someone to go home to,
Someone to sit beside at the bar,
Someone to get brunch with,
Someone to go vegan for,
But I'm not happy it's her.

Something in the way she looks at me
And what she says about me when drunk
Something about her fake glasses
And her fake hair,
And, apparently, her fake smile,
Makes me worry about you,
About our friendship.

When the time comes,
When she asks you to choose,
What's going to happen then?
mechanical girl,
of blood and bone,
killed a pig with knife and stone,
she took it's leather to make it her own,
and sewed it on when she got home,
with a curly wig to impress,
and a twirling sundress,
she fooled them all,
but when they looked closer-everyone saw,
it was simply a tale, much too tall.
with your hands on my face

I feel golden

no one has ever touched me

with such purity
my mouth mechanically moves
wouldyoulikeabaghereisyourreceiptthankyousomuchforcominginh­aveaniceday
i wonder how many times i have said the same sentence in the last half hour
as those recycled, rearranged letters
squeak, tired, from the middle of my throat
a laugh, fake, tense, comes from my nose
as i feel what little soul there was in me to begin with
die
this can't be it
this can't be all there is
the helpless thoughts slide sluggishly by
what is the point of surviving so much
when this is all i have to look forward to?
It feels like someone telling you you're beautiful,
like you're floating,
like you fall asleep smiling at the memories,
like when you're cold, and you picture their arms around you, warm,
like you're having conversations in the shower with yourself that you'll never have,
like you're checking the phone hoping they'll text first because you're too afraid,
like you're eating well and exercising well because you want look well for them because, they make you feel well.
like you don't have to lie anymore
like you can grow higher than ever
like you can smile in a photo and not delete it seconds after,
it feels like all of these things together, when you know they do not do the same.
it feels like you're holding your chin up, pretending you can just be friends, pretending your heart didn't decide, that they could make you happy, and whole. It feels like, with every breath, pretending you don't love them.
it feels like it hurts.
unrequited affection is a silent, slow heavy kind of hurt.
I'm layin awake in bed
I want you out of my head
I wish I got out of bed
I wish I got out of bed.

I'm thinking about everything I know
watching you sleep next to me
wishing that I had said no
so all this weight and worry and fear didn't have to be
so I could stop being scared of how I look
put on my glasses and finally see

I want you out of my head
I want to stop checking my phone
I wish I never got in your bed
if anything now I feel more alone

I'm sick of looking in the mirror
                                             terror
counting calories
jealous of all your memories
wishing I could be your masterpiece
framed on a white wall in your favorite gallery

mannequin pale
face just as blank
trying to be what you want
I don't want to lose you
knowing I need to lose you
fixated
paranoid
finicky
and unsure
now I'm laying awake in bed

I want you out of my head

I wish I got out of bed

I wish I got out of bed.
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