Everyone has a year, or maybe a few,
When at the end of it, they can look back
And everything has changed.
In my eighteen years, I've had my first one.
It started with a plane, that took me away and back.
The girl that boarded that plane is only a shadow of the girl before you now.
The year has drained me.
I almost lost myself to a world so intreguing, yet unfamiliar.
I came back slowly, stumbling.
I've loved with my whole being,
And lost more than I knew I had.
But I've surprised myself.
Because here I am, stronger than ever.
Ready for life.

And suddenly she became someone new
The pain stopped
The anxiety went away
Everything began to make sense
That feeling she wasn't quite sure existed took over every part of her life
Her body took on that slightly tipsy feeling
Where everything is softer and a little fuzzy with a slightly golden sheen
Life became easier
She became more sure of herself yet completely open to the vastness her future held
She dove head first into the unknown
Because now it wasn't scary
Now she had him
And while she'd always been whole on her own
Now she felt complete
Now she didn't have to be alone just because she was capable of it
She finally understood what people meant about when you know you know
Because she knew
And suddenly commitment was liberating instead of suffocating and life made sense and everything was beautiful

We love stories of new romances, but we forget about the girl with a broken heart, watching her love fall for someone new.
We don't think about the tears sliding down her face as he dances with the starry eyed princess.
We overlook how she has trouble breathing as pictures of them catch her by surprie.
As the fairytale unfolds before us, her nightmare takes over her thinking.
She's stuck inside her head, thoughts of him swirling around, making her crazy.
As he takes her hand and kisses her cheek, she's silently screaming her pain.
The broken girl is overlooked because she puts on a smile, hiding her pain only because she loves fairytales as much as we do.
So remember the girl;
Shes's beautiful, but she's hurting.
A modern day Cinderella.

Finding you was easy
I walked in the building and there you were
Standing there
And instantly I knew you were important
I didn’t know how, but I couldn’t shake it
It’s like I was drawn to you
Something about you
I finally got close enough to touch you and you lit me up like the city sky
Every part of me felt like it was glowing
As you ran your fingers down my spine

Finding you was easy
But keeping you was hard
The same glow settled inside me
Like a swarm of fireflies inside my chest
And even when this was hard I still couldn’t shake the feeling that you were so important
And every day I woke up wanting to kiss you
And every day I felt that same glow
Bc even when it was hard
I was still drawn to the kindness in your fingertips as they tiptoed down my spine
I fell in love with your laugh
Oh, your laugh, baby, it’s my favorite sound

So I’m full of cliches
But at the end of the day
All that I’m really trying to say is
You’re worth it
I forget sometimes that the swarm of fireflies buzzing inside me isn’t anxiety, just my feelings for you
I’ve never felt this way so forgive me for being a little unsure
You’re a whirlwind, my darling
Completely your own person, full of this energy that makes you irrevocably interesting
So thank you
Thank you for giving me fireflies
My heart had been dim for too long

It's hard to be a poet because we romanticize it all
I lay my head on his chest, and I silently write a poem about his heartbeat
I blow out a candle, and suddenly I've come up with a thousand pretty ways to say the word smoke
He smiles at me, and I get lost in the way his cheek dimples
I'm terrified of real love, so I turn simple every day things into the magic I believe love to be
A kiss on the cheek becomes a grand gesture, and I get lost in the beauty of it all
It's hard to be a poet because I always want to write
Every look, every touch craves becoming a poem
"Give meaning to me" beg the forehead kisses given right before he walks out the door
A small action becomes huge and I get lost in my thoughts
Nothing and everything begins to make sense
So I write
I write what I know in hopes of understanding what I don't
And when that doesn't work I write some more
And that's why it's hard to be a poet

He sticks his tongue out when he's thinking, and giggles when he's truly happy.
He's more sensitive than anyone I know.
Insecure and full of self-doubt, but stronger than he realizes and smarter than he believes.
Which all make him that much more handsome to me.
He's full of love, but scared.
And in that we are alike.
He gets sad sometimes for no reason,
And he tries to hide the pain.
An old soul, a deep soul, locked in the superficial world around him.
Hiding behind things that only temporarily ease the hurt.
And I do the best I can to make sure he knows he's loved.
Because that's what we all need, isn't it?

You came back
Like you always do
I'm not surprised

I sit here and I think of you and my mind runs on a constant loop of he loves me, he loves me not
I love him, but that's not the issue
I know how I feel, I don't have to question that
But all the scenarios play out of what will happen when you come home and I get scared
Will you run into my arms, and kiss me like I supply the air you desperately need
Or will you brush me off with a flick of your hand
Saying the past is in the past
Am I waiting for nothing, hoping for nothing
Or will the daydream I'm living in become reality
I need a million responses to my unanswered questions
But day after day I'm given no reprieve
Regardless, be gentle
Because when I'm with you I feel like I'm on fire, and for the last couple months I've just been embers
And when you return, you'll bring the flames
And while you have potential to make me feel so warm and alive, too much of you can burn me
And after all this time away from you I'm scared I won't be able to take the heat
So carefully spark my spirit
Create a soft glow within my heart, and I promise I'll return the love because together we are perfect.

Those quiet moments find us still,
My head on your chest,
I'm hyper-aware of your hands resting on my left shoulder and forearm.
I smell the sweetness of your alcohol soaked breath.
Then you move slightly to kiss me
One
Two
Two seconds of your lips on mine
The sweet kiss that follows the throes of passion we just came down from.
You pull away and we are still again.
Poetry racing through my mind,
But I don't want to move for fear of losing this moment.
We are fragile,
One wrong move and this rosy bubble we share will pop.
So I'm silent,
Breathing softly,
Staring into the darkness.
I feel your breath as it ruffles my hair.
I feel you drift into sleep, hear your breathing become even.
Our perfect moment sliding into a dream.
Because that's really all we are.
You and I don't exist in the daylight.
The moon brings about our love,
And the dawn whisks you away.
Leaving sleepy me to wonder if you were really there at all.
But dream me knows,
Because those dreams of you are more real than my reality.
So I let go, too,
Let the dreams take me away.
Fall into your embrace, and into my favorite world.
The world of you and me.

Take my love away,
My desires, my feelings.
If I can't have you, I don't want to love.
Take away my ability to feel.
I can't stomach the pain.
The happiness around me is too vibrant,
The sadness too real to watch.
My feelings are too extreme to enjoy.
I'd rather feel numb than lonely.
I'd rather not feel than to feel too intensely.
I sound cynical, cold, hard.
But I'd rather be that than broken.

The love songs playing on the radio, and
the poems from one sweetheart to another
Make me increasingly aware that I am alone.
It's not all bad.
I'm just more aware.
Aware of my singularity.
Emily and Lover
Is now just
Emily-
"Take this time to work on you," my well-meaning friends order.
But what does that mean?
I'm a person, not a machine.
I can't install a new heart because the one I have now is faulty.
I can't make my brain
Stop-
Thinking thoughts of him.
I don't get to turn myself off for awhile
Or press the reset button.
So I immerse myself in new things,
Things he knows nothing of
So he has less of a chance of creeping into my fragile mind.
I refer to him as "he"
Instead of "you"
Because this poem can't be for him.
I look for ways to distance myself from situations where I'm
vulnerable
Because I'm still reeling at the fact that I can feel this much pain.
Even though it hits me less often,
Those fleeting intervals leave me gasping for air.
Just like he left me on that doorstep those many months ago.
I still cry sometimes.
Though I tell everyone I'm fine
Because although they don't admit it, they are as tired of hearing about him
As I am of crying over him.
Nobody should make me feel this way.
I am a strong person
Made confusingly weak by this boy who doesn't even understand what love is.
While I loved,
He said words he thought I wanted to hear.
He lusted and mistook it for romance.
The sweet, caring gestures missing from the relationship I romanticized
Because I didn't want to argue
I made excuses over and over
For this kid who just didn't get it.
I'm feeling so much pain.
Not because he hurt me, but because I put him on a
pedestal.
In my mind I erased his flaws.
I pretended his words didn't hurt
And that his keeping me hidden didn't matter.
So now that he's gone it's like I'm living all that pain
For the first time.
I'm only now letting myself admit that I wasn't the only
flawed one in the relationship.
And it's okay that I'm not over him,
Those things take time.
As long as I realize that I wasn't the only one in the wrong,
That's progress.

Time is rushing,
Swirling out of control,
Faster and faster with each passing day.
Unnoticed in the moment,
But the time that has passed seems to stretch out into forever when looking back upon it
A blink of the eye
A silly cliche
Moments wasted
Chances taken
An intake of breath as the realization comes to light that the time left here is slipping away

And here I am.
One a.m.
Writing about you again, although I swore I wouldn't.
There's just so much to write about.
You fill me with poetic words and phrases that can't help but fall from my mind onto the pages beneath my pen.
I can't help but write about you, everything about you.
I want the world to know how you're a paradox with your big-*** truck and your hipster music.
And how you softly kiss my forehead while you hold me in your arms.
I want to yell and scream about our love, but I'm shy, so I silently write about your big eyes that so seriously look into mine.
And your strong hands that slowly run over my skin.
I need the world to know about your mind, how smart and interesting it is.
So I fill the pages of my book with tiny praises of you.
My biggest compliments strewn across the lined paper, compliments that you will never read.
But that's okay.
You know what your mind, hands, and eyes are like---it's the world that doesn't.
So, world, read my poem and see the big-eyed, strong-handed boy that for some reason has chosen to love me.
Picture him with his unsteady walk because he's afraid of what's in store for him.
But don't miss those flashes of courage that sometimes radiate from him as he chooses to fall in love anyway.
See the boy so full of life, yet unaware of what he's capable of.
Do you love him?
I do.

I've spent half my time telling myself that you are a terrible person.
And with just a few sentences you've unlocked the chains around my heart.
The only thing keeping me from feeling what I once felt for you.
I find myself smiling, laughing
With you.
You caused me so much pain
So, so many tears.
The knots in my stomach I thought would never come unclenched.
But here I am laughing.
Betraying myself.
Breaking my own heart because it's fool me twice shame on me.
But if we're being honest, it's way past fool me twice.
More like fool me to the moon and back
Because that's the line that got me
To the moon and back
How romantic of you, to travel that far
Just for me
But we both know it was only pretty words
And the only reason you're here now is because even though we are as used to each other as the stars are the night sky,
I'm new.
We fell into the pattern of comfortable
And then we had our break
And the tears
And the silence
So the talking is new
The flirting is innocent, but oh so loaded
It's like a grenade, this fragile line we walk
One wrong word, one bold move and this pretty picture of happiness would be shattered
But I do love art
Especially the kind you and I make
The way we are together
How the tired sentences don't make sense, but neither of us will say goodnight.
Even now.
And maybe you're supposed to be there.
On my mind and in my life
Because I'm sure as hell not shaking you.

We are a paradox,
   Devastating,
   Intoxicating

We are willful,
   Heartbreaking,
   Frustrating

We are delicate,
   Gentle,
   Romantic

We are a saga,
   Never ending,
   A journey

We are the sun,
   The moon,
   The stars

We are a question,
   An answer,
   A story

We are the rain
   When I'm sad
   Because you left me

We are a firework
   When I'm happy
   Because you came back

We are the fight
   Within myself
   Over you

We are the peace
   I feel
   When you kiss me

We are for now,
   We'll see,
   Hopefully

I am yours
   You are mine
   Or are we?

One sentence and the insecurities fly.
The questions spin around my head.
Why?
Why?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
Pounding against my skull.
Unanswered questions,
Questions that I cant ask, for fear of more pain.
Why?
Why?
Whywhywhywhywhy...
The same question over and over.
My stomach turning and my eyes welling up with tears I don't have reason or answers for.
I'm feeling small and hurt, crushed, but Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?

I couldn't write you a poem
And that's how I knew
Because writing comes easily to me
Usually the words flow from me freely,
My feelings splattered on the paper in the form of stanzas and couplets
But not with you
The words caught in my throat
And that's how your love made me feel
Like I was choking
Overwhelmed with the newness of true love
Love I just couldn't return
As much as I tried
So I let you go
And the words came back to me
Flowing freely again,
Like the oxygen to my lungs
And the blood through my veins
Spilling from me like the tears that spilled from your eyes and mine as I so easily broke your heart
And now I feel nothing
Maybe I'm just that cruel,
Breaking your heart, calling it quits, because now you're choking
Now you can't breathe
Is it fair of me to make you feel like I felt these last few months?
A trade off, our happiness causing the other pain
So did I do the right thing?
Or am I cruel?
Your first time being in love, and what feels like my eightieth
Because all the feelings are the same
So close, but just not right
Lighting me up inside, but only for a second
And then the light goes out, and I grow cold
The happiness radiating from my counterpart almost comical when compared to my increasing apathy
So I let you go
Before my coldness got you too
For I'm not cut out for lasting love
Hopelessly pathetic at forming real relationships
I was hurt one too many times when I was younger
And now I'm scared and a little broken and I can't let my walls down
So sure, I'll settle for cruel
That's what you think of me anyway
The cruel girl who took away the only relationship you've ever invested in
I'm the only girl you've ever loved
And you're the only boy who has ever truly loved me
They say look for and hold on to those who love you
And I'm so good at pushing them away
But somewhere inside me I knew
I knew I could never be happy with him
So holding on would only do damage
And I wish people would stop saying that
Stop saying to hold on
Because just because someone loves you, doesn't mean it's right
And it doesn't mean you can love them back
And I couldn't
So I let him go
And maybe I'm cruel
Or maybe I'm brave
I'm probably just scared
But I did what I thought was right
And that has to count for something