Tangled in Desire and Depression
regulated by hostility and sin
whilst those truly guilty
run wild; Controlling their prey

I see what you're doing
all the familiar games, we used to play
jealous of the love I possess
******* happiness like blood

the pain no one helped me through
darkened nights: tear drops on broken glass
the shattered remains of the girl I was
surround the monster I have become

Punch me, Cut me, make me Bleed
just don't break my heart
stitches and way too many shots
falling, deep into my blackened soul

forget who I have killed
don't remember the hearts I kept
taste the flesh under your teeth
then go home before...it's...all...gone

screams that echo through the night
shows the terror I feel,
every time my eyes shut
pain from the past that won't let me go

I wish I could accept the future
but my mind still aches with fear
torn in two by love and pain
dancing to a bittersweet melody of self mutilation

Dark Posters of Skeleton Brides
Video Game pings, and Overflowing Drinks
As Unusual People lay on Hand Me Down Couches
with Tobacco strewn all over my Mom's Old Coffee Table

Barely Voices , No Conversation. Just
BOOM, BOOM BOOM! before I sing aloud
Screams of Joy, "Traplawd Rules"
Kisses on my Nose, Giggling a Little too Loud

Laughter Proceeds Coughing, Funny girly high kicks
"*****, Get Drunk" They tell me, Ah the friends I have
Ragged Carpets over Soft Broken Love Seats
Rough Tobacco stuffed Into Cigarette Tubes

as He Softly Kisses my Arm
**** stubble, tattooed skin
***** Stings, Tabacco burns
Leaving even Baked Goods with a Smokey Flavor

Nothing is what it seems.
It's sad when the butterflies in your stomach let you down
Starting to realize your not worth it
At least no one feels your worth it
Pretending to be strong
Standing up for myself
When I desperately want to fall.
Trying to clear a clouded mind
Intuitive heart alterations.

The dream always starts the same way
Me slowly drifting down the old river
A cigarette in my mouth and
A boy calling my name

My hair flowing behind me
A perfect blend of red and gold
Seductively cute lifeless smiles
The river keeps curving round and round

Down I fall into a convenient rabbit hole
The water tainted with my attitude
Purposefully tempting me to go
Down
            Down
                        Down

The feelings don't go away
Just because you wish they would
New feeling bloom like beautiful flowers
Eyes sparkling with newly inspired desire
Waiting for the curtain to rise, and the act to begin

Life is a series of links between fantastic moments & unforgettable memories:
The moment a stranger pays you kindness
or the feel of a unknown first kiss, with the passion of faded possibility.

Drenched feelings, what's right and what do I feel,
playing around with a new expression; An expression of self degradation:
The lovely bruises that litter my skin shouldn't bring me such wonder.
But I remain here,  
pleading with my heart to stay the bittersweet skips,
as I wait for you to pull me closer, but it never seems to listen:  
Dark prince,
you play with a damaged mind,
one riddled with everyone's problems, and suppresses all her own.
In a game unknown to all but the puppeteers;
Dark Prince,
with a whole new world of ideas, your intoxicating passion rattles me deeper then I dare mention.  
But still;
I beg my heart to stay it's hand as life moves on and
Dark prince,
with words like nurturing bee stings and lips of pure statin drowned in honey,
you are a comforting reminder of a new door opening.
Dark Prince,
pull me closer and hold me tighter,
is it too much to ask for you to protect me from the onslaught of all to clear nightmares.
For minds and hearts such as mine, aren't unfamiliar with the cruel hand, and hollow kisses from a lovers lips with the taste of an old romance,
the tales of woe never interested me anyway.
Dark Prince,
Words are my knives, the only way I can voice what's really inside. The final defense of a forgot but painful war. Take this proclamation with the gentlest of kisses.
For my Dear Dark Prince, we are only at the beginning.

A heart full of dark desires
Playing with my own personal fires
Burns and bruises litter my skin
Where has my sanity been
Forever dancing in the flames
All of my ***** twisted aims

Overflowing coffee cups
Ancient cigarette butts
Bittersweet romances
Trying to stop myself from quitting
Forever doing the devil's bidding

Skipping through the rain
forgetting all the pain
Dance like you have nowhere to be
Dance like your dancing with me.

A midnight chance is all I need
An overwhelming lustful greed
Follow me through the darkest night
Dreading the dawn, when all I have left is to write

Smile like everyone is watching
When they turn your music down low
Making you feel alone in a crowded room
Trapped, in wide open spaces
Daring you to be yourself
To sway to your own beat
Show them, by smiling bigger then ever
Whether they are watching or not

Maybe I should play nice?
Why can't anyone get it right?
Love, they say, is so  easy
So where's the one who truly needs me?

Sweet words off a charmed tongue
God, we are so **** young,
Ready to smack life in the face
Everyone needs to get off my case.

Youth, is a fresh state of mind
And ******* is only a matter of time,
Cause we are young, our stories untold
Sit back as our tales unfold

Where I find my only other
Using ******* as a careful cover
Not so secretly knowing life can't get any better
Without you and me forever together

So maybe it's time to play nice
Cause someone will get it right,
Love, I hope, is that easy
Now I just need to learn to love me...

What if we had more then forever
Our youth free from tether
Letting passion and lust take the lead
What my heart truly  needs.

A body like yours deserves admiration
So why not give in to temptation,
Why not lose ourselves in one another
So how about being my part time lover.

We could satisfy without the hassle,
Every need fulfilled, so much to unravel
No painful fall, no falling in love at all,
Just a straight forward constant *******.

So why not have fun while were young,
And let me show you how I use my tongue
Why not, move a little bit closer,
Why not give me full disclosure.

a moonlite summers eve
slow dancing beneath the trees
fire flies sparkle like stars in the night sky
dancing to our selective style

the dark shadows playing a secret game
as eternity turns into a single moment
as rescue floats blissfully out of view
trapping me in here
where there is no sign of you

caught up in a web of lies
getting really hard to disguise
the way you make me feel
suddenly hopping this is real

little tiny heart compression
a Dorian Grey of my expectations
decay and grime has covered my trust
hoping for a little boy to grow up

My broken heart still beats as fast when your eyes cross over mine shreds of our life before never leave my mind.

Can't help that longing feeling for your touch again how can I move on when I never began

Take me back to the happy times when tears never fell for fear, pain was a distant memory and our love was real

Remember when we were no longer just a fling truth was more important and lies were never our thing

Then the snap back to a harsh reality when love was never the main goal but something dark in between

strangers who used to know each other all too well forgot about love and learned about hate

Take me back to the happy times when tears never fell for fear, pain was a distant memory and our love was real

Those times have left leaving broken shards and memories behind can't apologize enough for loving too much

I know I pushed and maybe got angry but I loved you so much maybe you could accept me

I'm sorry for what I did, I'm sorry I ****** up maybe sometimes love can just never work out

What do I want
Well a lot of things
To finish my novel
There's a start
Keep up friendships
Maybe more writing
Try and find someone
Worth writing about
Maybe enough to love
Wow I’m getting old
A lot of things
That need to be done
Like get a job
Or register for college
A lot of things....
What do I want?
I don't know

Every day I miss you
the way you held my hand
remember when...

you left me broken
forgotten is the way
we used to love

Everyday I miss you
more then ever before
your bright smile

the way your friends talk
behind my back
pain more then you know

Everyday I miss you
the feel of you against me
the feeling of my heart breaking


Everyday I miss you
Everyday It kills me
Everyday I wish

I could hate you
But, I can't because
Everyday I miss you

Doesn't matter what I do
Never good enough for you
No matter how hard I try
I love you
Doesn't sound as true
Look at me
I owe my life only to you
I wrote this for you
Remember me
Im still your little girl
Look at me
I am just like you
Trembling over egg shells
Begging to be seen

bases on the character Blanche DuBois from Streetcar Named Desire a play by Tennassee Williams*

Crushed white satin
Hot baths* on warm days
Polka music makes me sway
That young man I wish had stayed

Light dances around me
Never daring a touch
Here in the lantern light
All a lady has is her looks

Stranger Stranger everywhere
Darkness always a little too near
Shep oh Shep where are you dear?
"I don't know you" please get off

For star and the common pig
I leave no words of fancy
For now I sit with pen an paper
In the light of a padded room

and the piano was still slow and *blue

Tight unloving spaces
Squeezed between January
And our next December

Pleading with time
To allow our love
Just a little bit longer

Our life together
Shoved in a box that
You locked away forever

Watching him lying there
Shirtless, spraining my imagination

Images of him on a beach
In glorious slow motion

The lady in me craves his
Mouth on mine while his large

Hands keep me from falling down
Legs intentionally spread apart

Winking faces, suggestive conversations
How much more obvious do I need to be?

Watching from my bedroom window
As he does his chores down below

A teenage girl’s endless joy
Not to mention he’s our pizza boy

Rippling muscles, tight tan skin
The perfect prize I’m desperate to win

Deep **** voice, that shaggy brown hair
His stupid girlfriend who I know doesn’t care

With a bright smile, I want more
From my perfect boy next door

Maybe I love you
But maybe I don’t
Maybe you could
But maybe you won’t

She said this, He said that
Unknown in the known
If these walls could talk
Your ears would be on fire

The things people say
Sharper then a knife
Faster than bullet
Straight in the heart

How did they know?
Truth lies with deceit
Friends disguised as enemies
All the blame can’t just be on me

Warning signs
Etched deep in my skin
Unwanted
Burning me inside out
That need to know
What I really am
Estranged
Hiding behind long sleeves
Solid blue jeans
All alone
Any knife or shard will do
A pioneer in bloodshed  
Painfully Permanent
Greed
How much more
can my canvas take?
Failure
And across my wrist
A final and fatal
*Goodbye

I tried to move away, from the thoughts
We once shared, flying away from
The way you made me feel

There you are hidden in plain sight
Taunting me with the new life
It was too easy for you to find

Are you happy with that girl?
The one I secretly hated
Our love shattered

Tear soaked goodbyes
Life spins in another direction
Without your heart to stabilize  me

Laughing with you loving only you
How could you forget?
All our good times

Strained touch, No hands
Something only a woman understands
Money on the table, Water by the bed
The tears she pretends she never shed

Life lived in others, isn't a life at all
Faking away from their love's fall
Pimps. ****** better known as friends
Working with only twists and bends

Faded bruises, broken bones
Hush, quiet no one knows
Mommy, Daddy think's shes dead
Those tears we know she shed

Warning* *This is a really messed up poem, If you would like an explanation please message me

Hush hush
Don’t say a word
Mommy met a man
She said daddy can’t know

That man holds her
Whispering “I Love You”
Which Mommy says too
But… daddy doesn’t know

As Daddy snores
I see Mommy slip out
I lay in the back
Seeing the man Daddy doesn’t know

But Daddy wakes up
Tries to track them down
Every motel
Nowhere to be found

But, I am here first
I just wanted to help
So I pulled the trigger
And all the lights went out

Mommy, splattered in red
Daddy now will never know
Cause I took Daddy’s gun
Mommy say goodnight

The end
New beginning
of a new page
My old story
Here standing tall
Facing it all
By myself
Here I am
At the end
Watching my world
Crumble at your feet
An the new life rising
Here I am
Again
At the end
Still
Loving you

Darkness and silence become my prison
As I wait for no one to save me
The hard floor, my new home
And the hot air my coffin
Here I am stuck in motion
The day just may have gotten worse
Hours fly by like centuries
Stuck here, within the mind
I was told wasn’t right
Here I am stuck with only myself
No war, no judgment, no more pain
Just me
In my dark and silent elevator
My no man’s land of time

Once when I was brave
I climbed a mountain high  
Dancing on the peaks
Watching the birds fly by

Up here on my mountain top
I have no reason to impress
Or any need to say goodbye
My old life wasting away

Those challenges that shaped me
Long forgotten down below
As I grip tight the rusting key
To the heart, bravery broke

Hiding behind fake smiles
Watching for signs of life
Deep down where hate lives, the pain grows
Love’s shattered heart, sews itself back together
Screaming through dull green eyes
Gripped red hair, as panic runs wild
Wondering what others must think
All with a pretty bow of insecurity and desperation
Trying hard to impress…Everyone
A pen in one hand
A knife in the other
Writing about pain, that never goes away
All behind that familiar smile
Everyone loves
But they can’t know the real me.

breathing in and out
looking foward, ready to shout
the day might have started
but my brain just won't function
it's funny how they demand my attention
yelling out my name
won't win you this game
keep on playing it
while I lay down and sleep a bit
the weekend hangover
taking over

Rising from the ashes
Born anew for the world to see
Flying high above the sky
Reaching true potential
Being better than the rest
Better, being put to the test
No more mistaken steps
Up and away time will fly
When now turns into then
I will disappear for good
In a puff of smoke
The end

We are the children of the rain
Forever falling to our own beat
Every drop an unwritten melody
A new story, young and unique
We are the Rain, living here and now
Washing away our old hurt
Writing our new stories

unborn to this world
light blinding tender eyes
peace never truely understood
eating your food in pieces
as you watch and listen
all around you the world is buzzing
teaming with love and hope
meaning and judgement
what is a new born girl to do?
live the way she was, trapped inside?
No! never again will she pretend
to be what they all wanted her to be
who he wanted her to be
that girl, is dead, like he is dead
deep down, she accepts this fate
deep down where everything new buds
down in her new smokey life
finally feeling free.

I promise nothing
Not this year
Because I don’t know
I might need that cigarette
I might need that drink
Every once in a while
I can hope I will be a good person
But I won’t pretend
To be who I am not
I will live, that’s my promise
I will live life
For once I will
Not care

The little girl you used to know
The boy you hoped for
Sits here hand in hand
Cigarette between the two
Who knows what else?
Drinks passed left and right
Needles pierce baby skin
Rings jingle on their heads
Hair hangs in braids
Multi colored
This life parents disapprove of
We don’t care anymore
The reign is ending
The revolution is starting
Time to be us
Not what you wanted us to be
Take another drag,
Hold another hand
Till the next revolution.

Deep down where my hate grows
Till anger breaks it's chains
Near to those few memories
Of you fading away
Living in the clouds above
Never looking down
Jumping into anything
Wishing you would come with
Hell follows you back
To those scars you left on my heart
Pushing me over the edge
Free falling back to earth
Waiting for something
Anything to happen
Trying desperately  to
Feel you again
Leaving me behind
I went Looking for someone to care
Damaged I sit patiently
Accepting the stares
Loves bruises threaten to show
As I learn to care for them
Those people I used to know
My means to an end

laying here, in my field of shattered dreams
trees fallen all around me
power lines spark their upset
the wind and rain smells like change
the feild has changed, over there its new
over here its old, useless
but at least here nothing else matters
no more drama, or suicide attempts
just me and my broken heart
survival here means everything
tears and rain mix in my hair
laying in the after math of my old life

Feeling overwhelm me
sweet embers burn me inside
smoking till the very end
circle of chill friends
leaning to my left
life continues on in my head
laughing in slow motion
music, soundtrack to my life
bobbing to familiar beats
remaining chill for a while longer
not walking but floating
over the ground, shiver in the cold
impulsive feelings move to actions
keeping those moments on new levels
not caring what anyone thinks
when you can truely be you
those times you just need a good
feeling.....

laying here, grass hugging me
the smell of dirt in my nose
as I glance up at the stars
big ,bright , beating burning hearts
peacefully it began to rain
I did not move, I couldnt
the starts kept me vexed
each tear shapped drop
reflexs back my stars, falling around me
the dirt shifts to mud
the grass hugs me closer, not letting me go
I stare as the star fade back into hiding
till another day, life floats on

Cold distant morning
alone on the fog bank
watching the animals play
see how the simple things
create so much excitments
evolution is a depressing things
growing with the pain
turning into something
something I am not
cold cement walls holding me
in their warm inprisonment
knowledge forced upon indivduals
who know nothing of real life
like cold distant mornings
alone of this fog bank

his blood runs cold
over my rough hands
the knife falls to the ground
what have I done
why do I feel so amazing
standing here looking at him
he is beautiful , a latino beauty
his chest hard and strong
one clean line down the middle
exposing his organs drenched
in the most glorious crimson
his blood, delicious and warm
down my throat
what have I done
his lower half sits parallel to him
his knee caps missng
femeral artery in shreds
his olive skin going pale
but that face, stained my memory
his thick lustful lips trapped in a scream
I walk away, into new life
all thanks to my latino beauty

Fumbling fingers over premature *******
The hardships of new men
Buttons and clasps, too many to handle
All but means to an end

She fakes smile as, he peels off her shirt
He feels the jump from down below
As she pushes down her skirt
So he rises to the occasion

Her cheeks redden as the curtain falls
Laying back, sweet kisses rain down
A moment so pure when nature calls
Cries of pain or pleasure?

Moment frozen in eternal time
His eyes on hers. Reassuring her
That their love is not a crime
She feigns a smile as he holds her close

The end is near, for him at least
She bites her lip as he confides n her
His face a hilarious picture of a beast
Falling out of her, they dress quietly

The love in hiding, lust under the bed
She lays there a second longer
He smacks the sheets playfully, cheeks turning red
Caught in a memory of when she felt lust for the first time

You can spit on me
The feelings I have
Might break but never crumble
You fall and I watch
As you burn in your own
Stupidity
Laughing as the flames grow
You can’t stop the downward
Spiral to the end
Where you sit, taking
My order, doing what I say
For once you hear
Because you can’t do anything
Else, you are waiting
For your life to begin
Forever waiting
For everything to be
Handed to you
Yet soon, it won’t be

Watch me walk by
You talk about me
To your eager friends
As you think about
My hips, my thighs
My hair, my eyes
Staring into your soul
I watch from behind
My expensive sunglasses
I watch as you squirm
Those jitters I gave you
I make you feel
Don’t second guess me
I am a hell of a lot better
Then you, but don’t worry
I won’t get carried away
I know what I am doing
I will be happy
I will find love
You don’t even know me
Look how you drool
As I walk away from you

Here I am, sitting on the sidelines
I watch them jump and play
Longing to join them, I watch closer
When I close my eyes, I can picture myself
Being like them, exactly who I feel I am
But my world doesn’t work like that
My path was chosen, my wants kept secret
So here I am, sitting on the sidelines
Waiting for coach to put me back in
My eyes wander up to the stands, where my father sits waiting
Waiting for his star to emerge. Thinking I’m happy
Sometimes I wish he would understand,
And sometimes I wonder if I would even tell
Him what really makes me happy?
It’s not Football, or Track, or being Mr. Popular
I have never been a man’s man at heart
Here, deep inside, I am more than that
Deep down locked away where no one can see
Is a heart that aches, and a brain that doesn’t fit
I’m not the man they wanted me to be
Because I don’t want to be a ****
Like those guys I call my friends, who use and abuse
Who care not for a beautiful mind
But a beautiful behind
Here I am, sitting on the sidelines
Made to lie about who I am
Forced to find no joy, no peace
I want to join the book club and
Paint beautiful pictures in many bright colors
I never said I was smart but I know who I am not
Sitting here, Is not who I am
I hear the crowd cheer and glance up at them
As my huge family roars with pride
Coach taps my shoulder, drawing me back
I run onto the field and take my position
Calling out plays, waiting to catch the ball
I fake left, like I faked all my life
I fake right, like all those times to my dad
Finally the ball releases from my hand
In a perfect spiral straight to number 24
I stand and listen for my dad’s voice
“That’s my boy” as my stomach clenches with hurt
My mind fills with regret and I know what to do
The crowd explodes in uproar as number 24
Reaches the end zone, happy as ever, as himself
I look up at my father, he looks so proud
I know who I am and this is not it
I walk off the field away from the crowd
“That’s my boy” no more, I’m gay and proud of it

Tell me again how much you hate us
You know us that new family
Sitting here practically begging for
You acceptance, your care
But how can we expect something
So mature from someone like you
You think any of this is important
Those parties and whose house you’re at
It won’t matter in a year when everyone
Changes for the worse and moves on
You don’t know how to live on your own
You don’t know how to take responsibility
You **** on those that just want to give you
Everything, people who are desperate to love you
Stop being such a spoiled brat and look around you
We are here, opening our arms and hearts
Waiting for you to realize how much we care
But then again, I hate you deep down,
Yet still crave your love and affection
Go ahead keep treating us like this
We will be the ones laughing
When you have no idea how
To live on your own in the real world
Where parties and friends take a far second