i see in my mind's eye the ****** seperations,
starting at the crown of my forehead,
splattering and painting the wall,
with a gushing clarity.

head hard against plaster,
so that i can crack my skull open,
and all my thoughts can escape and
flutter themselves free.

Its the caffiene, Its the nicotine
Its the everything
I smoke, drink, and cling to
Its my habitat
It must be cleaned too
Its the search for stronger, longer
Its the scent that can't be laundered
Its the smell of ***** from my pores
Whats there to use and off for more
Its the whole **** thing
So dance and puke and sing

And if you only knew what I know.
Then maybe you'd be happy.
Maybe you would realize.
How much you hurt me.
How much you're presence stings.
How much I love you.
Only if you knew what they know.
How they think.
How much we miss you.
How much you could actually live.
If only...if only..
You would just leave us alone.
And come back a person.
Come back a mother.
Come back a sister.
Come back a daughter.
Just leave the wife behind.
Let my soul rest.
Instead of waking up
in the middle of the night.
Just to hurt.
Just to cry.
Just to mourn.
Your life that you do not live.
Your love that you could have.
It's right here in front of you.
But its like everything is transparent.
And you are just wandering
Through out your own abyss.
So please...
Please..
I feel like a broken record.

My demon, what happened to you.
You used to be oh so sweet.
Kiss me good night to sleep.
Tell me life is grand and help me understand.
Why life is worth living for.
Why smiling is important.
Why I am so great.
Now all I do is wait.
For your call of insecurities.
For you to tell me you're all right.
For you to come back home.
Please tell me, what happened to you.
My angel.

Why must you hurt me so?
Make me feel this pain,
That you feel every day.
How can you push it upon me?
When it is not mine for the taking.
I write to release,
but you want to break my pen.
How will I ever grow?
If you are on top of me
smothering me from my own reality.
Holding me back from who I am.
You hurt and cry for yourself.
So why must I still cry for you?
I cry for me
Because I will not become numb
and cold as ice.
The way I used to be
in my youth.
When my eyes are closed
I see you
hating you
feeling sorry for yourself.
But I will not hate me
Ever again.

I woke up this morning happy,

Smiling cause I dreamt of you.

This will probably sound a bit sappy,

But that dream showed me something I knew.


Dancing in the summer sun,

In a rainbow of people and color.

We twirled around and we spun,

Like in this world there wasn't another.


Free from your parent's strict rule,

Your true self showed to me.

You were carefree and a happy fool,

We could be together and be free.


You stopped to hold me close,

And went in for my lips.

This is what I missed the most,

Us being lip to lip and touching hips.


I woke up from this so excited,

Knowing this was a good sign.

It showed my reasoning was ignited,

I know everything will all be fine.

Who am I
This flesh and bone cage
Proving a hindrance
A canvas for the paint
Of scorn and judgment
A creation of a persecution
Deserved by none;
Who I am buried
Beneath brush strokes
Colors that mean nothing
When looked at with a blind eye;
My canvas is one of love
An identity and struggle
One that smudges
Strays from between the lines
Of what is accepted;
But on my life’s canvas
Who I am is who I am
One that I do not even know at times;
Each stroke of the brush
Is a different moment;
My life in color
Vivid, all mine