the you
that resides in my head
is the one i fell in love with.
the you
that resides in my head
knows exactly what to say
on those horrible nights
where i am tempted
by an inch long piece of metal.
the you
that resides in my head
holds my hand when i'm sad,
and even when i'm not.
he smiles when he kisses me
and whispers sweet things in my ear
like "you're so beautiful,"
or "i'm so glad i found you."
the you
that resides in my head
stays up with me until sunrise
talking about our hopes,
dreams,
fears,
and secrets we thought we'd never tell.
he lets me lay my head on his chest
while he absentmindedly runs his fingers
through my hair.
but worst of all
the you that resides in my head
is merely a figment of my untamed imagination
the you that really exists
would never do any of that.
at least, not with me.

just shut
the
****
up
everyone.
i don't need
your half-assed,
******* sympathy.
all i need is silence.
from you
and from my mind.
from everything.
make the world stop
for a minute-
for just a ******* minute.
that's all i need.
a minute
of silence
for myself
to relax.
to get away from
all this
stress,
sadness
and anxiety.
to get away
from all the constant nagging,
the constant *******
that comes out of everyone's mouth.
i don't need it.
i don't need any of it.
all i want,
all i need
is a minute
of silence.

i know one day
when someone brings me up
you'll say
"sorry, i've never met her."
we'll both know
that that's a lie,
but like the hypocrite i am,
i'll do the same
when asked about you.
however,
i did nothing to you
yet you cringe when you think of me,
when i'm brought up,
when you see me,
like i was the one who hurt
you.
who ripped your heart out
and left a gaping hole
that was filled
with late night sobs,
alcohol,
and cuts on your wrists.
you ******* lie
all the time
about what really happened
between us.
like you're ashamed
that you felt something
for someone as ****** up
and ugly
and pitiful
as me.
well here's a news flash for you,
you can't escape the past
i'm not the best thing
that's ever happened to you
but i know i'm **** sure
not the worst
and no matter
what you say
you know
deep down
when you wrapped
your arms around me
as we laid in my bed,
it wasn't just for my benefit.

for some odd reason
i have this strange love for airports.
maybe it's the thought
of someone finally meeting their lover
after 3 long years
of late night skype calls
that only partially fill the void.
but that thought will soon turn sour,
as i realize
you buy plane tickets in pairs;
one to where your heart is,
and another to where you reside now.
it's like ordering your favorite meal
and only being able
to eat one bite.

for as long as i can remember,
i've always wanted
something greater;
something more.
i would lie in the green grass,
while the wind caressed my face,
and stare up at the clouds
as they danced around each other
intertwining and releasing
and wondered what was beyond them.
for as long as i can remember,
the world wasn't enough for me.
my eyes were set on the skies,
the universe was mine to explore.
now, i see that it's obviously unattainable
but back then, it was my biggest goal.
but that day you lied next to me
in the green grass,
while the wind caressed our faces,
and the blue galaxies in your eyes
swirled when you smiled at me
i finally felt like i'd found something greater.

your heart
spills out onto paper
through the graphite
that fills your pencil
you're so lost -
lost in the thoughts
that beg you
to be let out;
the thoughts keep coming
at a pace that makes you think
"if i write any faster,
i might break my wrist."
but nonetheless
the words keep coming
-as if you could ever
hope to stop them-
flowing seamlessly
from your head
down to
your hand

she withers away
mind
and
body
she hears the whispers
of her once
beloved friends
-now the only love she gets
is the tug of her razor
across her skin-
they say things like
"what happened to her,"
and
"she used to be so happy,"
but they are wrong
nothing happened to her
and i can guarantee
that she was never happy
she just got tired
of the fake her
that seamlessly
took over her life