In the night sleep does not tend to me
An emptiness lies in its wake
It begins again and then there's nothing
Surging nothingness but breathless it does not leave me
And then guilt takes its place as I recollect on it
On what has left me to what I am today
And how word by word
Step by step I got to this very place
And how I should have seen it coming
But how transformative this is
How I become angry
I am left alone sitting in the dark and angry
A festering rage that blinds me while I stare endlessly at the wall as if it feels what I am
As if it can understand and tend to the pyre
Offering nothing but nothingness I try again each night
And maybe once it will be different
And it will all make sense

I wait
I sit here and I wait
And the waiting is never over
New leaves grow grasping at new beginnings
New fog that drips down the spine and slides soaking into the ground
New leaves they don’t wait for more
New leaves they are born wanting
Soil only has so much of it’s spoils to share for those too starving
The wilting they now feel again
To curve at corners and fall tethered down
New leaves newly fertile soil I dig my feet into
And I sit there waiting
Again and again for something more

How does it feel
To think uninterrupted?
To pace your breaths even without a thought?
To not have your own destruction at your foresight?
There are times I wonder why the stagnation has never left
I see the changes on the faces of others
I know how to push and pull at reactions but from my mouth the same phrases spill each time
To think you finally found someone who will understand the drone of why you were born dying
Why you can no longer function and why at night you see walls bend closing in on you despite all that you know
To think you found someone who will absolve you of judgement
Who won’t leave when you inventible bring yourself closer to an ending
Who may not understand why you are stuck why change never comes
Why you were born hungry
And why it is you’re living while dying

Please move from the shower
I’ve been waiting and awfully long time
Here in my room just outside the door
Cracked open light seeping through a darkness
Humidity is higher now a days
It seeps into my pores and I shine like the setting sun ablaze
So I stand here waiting to wash my self of this
Of all of this filth and all of this day that comes down into my bones
But no you stand at the shower door for hours
I wait here for over and hour
I think to myself, why am I here why am I angry
Why do I need to shower so much my thoughts cannot move from this even though all I want is sleep
I care naught of your troubles
I just want to shower

I wish
I wish for something more
I call to it
I sing to it
I hold it tight at night when it’s scared
I dream a dream for it to meld into all it yearns for
When it is sick and unfit for the world I look into it’s eyes and say it’s beautiful
I lift up its chin it keeps burned underground and I wonder why it never looks back beyond reflection
I know it isn’t right and I know it is ending before it’s started
I know the dreams I dreamt for it were of grandeur and I tried to force reality there
It was failing and crumbling but I picked up stray pieces that kept chipping away with each step
You can’t keep up with that
Who would subject themselves to that
You can sing to it at night, whisper in its ear as it drifts in your arms
It’s fine with taking but how dare it give
Those on empty look for full hands not yet taken
And will clean up your mess, licking off fingertips
You’ll have to clean yourself off later
And start over when the sun rises
And call to it once more
This time you will bring water for a parched tongue
But it’ll never drink from your palm where it lay frozen last night

What did I expect
What should I have expected
To no longer be still in my longings
And in understanding of my thoughts
I thought for a brief moment the stars shown dimly
Above a dying soil, above me
I could trace with weak fingers the pattern I believed was coming to life
Vivified and here to whisper the secret words I once desired
I trip along the cobblestone
kicking up dust and scuffing my sole
Patterns unthreading in the night
I lost my place once more
And I am unsure of what’s above me
So softly they glow to me and caress me as you do
But blue is the night and the density of their warmth is uncompaired to yours
You fill me with something temporary and under the same sky with fresh air touching your skin
I know you don’t look at me the same without the blanket of a empty square room
Can I do better?
Is this a question that I am even allowed to ask myself?
It fills me with something that not even stars can sooth in my nighttime aching
Everything is okay, everything is happening as it should they would whisper to me
But you deserve better of me
I deserve better of myself

He lays back again for the third time that night
"How am I here, again?" he would ask himself
The sweat the sinks deeper into the pours and drips down into his mouth from above him
"I think I like being here
I ask for it, I agree to it
Isn’t that enough to convince myself?"
Why would he come back under a different intention?
He should have tried harder to listen to himself
And the uncertainty that lies there
Are you fulfilled, young man?
Is this who you are?
Under disguise of young woman
But you couldn’t tell him that could you?
Your chest is sore but you know what you are
But it’s only you