Here I find myself alone again
and how stupid to have not
seen it coming, to have
ignored the undeniable truth
that everyone on Earth will
disappoint,
no matter the beautiful lies
they shove down your throat
or the millisecond moments
you allowed indulgence in,
believing they were real.

nothing is real here.

we are all made of dust,
recycled atoms and words and
phrases that we mold to our
own advantage, and who cares if
someone gets hurt in the process
because isn't that what it means
to be human?
to be full of faults and falsehoods,
and at the very center of those
sits the certainty that at the core,
we are all irrevocably,
permanently,
unquestionably,  
alone

and the moon be still as bright

and the stars and the world

stops shining

and the moon is the only light

I wanted to paint
A water color picture of us
I wanted to capture
The curves of your lips
And the swirls of colors
As they melted with mine
And I wanted to illustrate
The marks from your fingertips
Tracing constellations across my hips
And I thought I could draw
The way to relinquished
Emptiness trapped inside of me

But I was painting a picture
with colors that didn't exist

A coffee cup made me
cry today. It slipped from
between my hands and
shattered on the floor, and I
couldn’t tell if my heart
had fallen with it or if
it just wasn’t there anymore.
Because I stared at the shards
and could only remember
how you stayed up with me
until midnight on my birthday
so I wouldn’t have to celebrate it
alone or that I still huddle inside
your hoodie when it rains.
Maybe the shaking
of my fingers just shows that
we all need to learn to
let go, but it might be the realization
that I no longer know how
to hold myself together.

I wish I could burn all the memories of you from my skull
and tear away the skin you touched
but my bones aren't trees
for your forest fire

He asked me why
I never looked him in the eyes
And I looked at the ceiling
and said i didn't know
He once asked me
what color his eyes were
And for the life of me
I wanted to forget
that his eyes were the color
of the purest blue ocean
just before a storm and scattered
with crystal shards like sea shells
Because the second I looked
up at him
The air was stolen
right out of my chest cavity
His eyes engulfed my soul and drowned it out
until I forgot where I was
His eyes could melt fire and freeze ice but he doesn't have
a destructive bone in his body
His eyes are the sky
right before dawn
a blue so electric
it sends shivers down my spine
So wasted with wonder
and dappled with specks of sarcasm
I've been told drowning
Is the most tragic way to die
Though maybe it's where you drown that makes it a tragedy
because I think
drowning in his eyes
would be the most
beautiful death

My feelings for you
are like the ocean
one minute they're
calm
balanced
hardly even there at all
and the next they're
rushing towards the
ends of my tongue
violently trying to break fee
but then only to end up
crashing and retreating
to the back of my throat
I want to tell you how I
feel but how am I
supposed to that if
all this time I've spent
trying to figure out my feelings
was just enough time
for you to give up
and move on

I don't know how I feel about you
Some poems are about my
hatred of you
how you broke me in two
torched my heart and left it there to burn

While others are about my
memories of us
and everything we had
and how I was so naive to
believe it would last

A few are about how lonely
and lost I am without
you near me
of how I miss you so much
that it physically hurts
to think of your soft touch
and warm breath
and how your strong frame
molded perfectly with
my own

And then there are the
poems where its
like nothing ever happened
and I write like I did when we
were still together
how I
love everything about you
your freckles
your eyes
your voice
your mind
your scent
e v e r y t h i n g

and its when I write those
poems that I realize I'm still
hopelessly
endlessly
infinitely
in love with you
and I don't think there will ever
be a day where I won't be

I want to be the wind as it whispers
its deepest secrets to the trees
or the waves as they gently
kiss the shore goodnight
maybe the stars as they dance
and shine with the moon

but the wind moves too fast
for the trees to hear its words
and the waves only have a few seconds
before being dragged back out to sea
and the stars they are much
too far apart to dance together
and although they shine so bright from earth
they died along time ago

I could write you essays and
pen novels about the
curve of your jaw,
or the way your hair falls
just so,
and how the sound of sleep
that clouds your voice
in the mornings is better
than any alarm I’ve ever heard.
But instead, all I am left with
is I love you,
and that never feels
like quite enough

I kissed a boy
I had no feelings for
because his drugs
made me forget
about the boy who
took all my feelings
with him.

I wish i could see
the way your eyes light up
when you talk about something you love
and maybe its selfish of me
but i wish i was the still
the subject of your conversations
that make your eyes shine like the stars
that I'm sitting here
wishing upon by myself

I can’t tell if I've gone insane
or went crazy a long time ago
and am just realizing it now
I’m dancing on eggshells
and asked five questions
in class today all of them
starting with the word
sorry
All I want is to run
but I can’t find the ground
and I’m not sure if I’d even
have anywhere to go

The thunder
Mimicked the way your heart
Beat on top of mine

And the rain felt like
The little kisses you'd leave
On my skin

And the humid storm breeze
reminded me of
The way you'd breath ever so lightly
Into my neck

But these early summer storms
Don't last very long
And my dear,
I'm afraid we might not either

Whenever I like someone
they don't like me
so I'm trying my hardest  
to not like you
but you're not helping
by making flowers grow every time you smile

the sky's glowing orange
and your fingers trace my body
in the same pattern as
the songs you play on the piano

I no longer view sunsets as an ending

It seems as if
the only time
you pay me
any mind
is when a part
of your body
is inside mine

I live for the lingering seconds
right before we kiss
when I can feel the atoms in you
vibrating towards the atoms in me

its such a unique and wonderful sensation
like the universe is trying to put itself
back together