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Ellen Bee Oct 2013
You know, it never was the end of the world.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
She makes a *** of coffee like it'll help her sleep
and chain smokes at the kitchen table.
The smoke dancing off her cigarette fades
more gracefully than her love for him
and it's all she can do to keep from crying
over the fact that they're out of sugar.
It has nothing to do with grocery shopping.

She laughs alone most of the time.
Before she knows it she's lost in the dark again
and the only one she wants to save her
doesn't have a flashlight.

The ring on his finger might as well be strangling her
as she lights another cigarette and hopes for the worst.
They say you can't choose who you love, but what if
you can't love who you choose?

It hurts to think of the pain it would cause
and **** if she'll not regret it for the rest of her life
if she makes the wrong decision and does the right thing.

She lights another cigarette and realizes
she's almost out of time.
She can't help but wonder if something's a mistake
if you do it on purpose.
She lights another cigarette and notices
she never turned the coffee *** on
and the sugar bowl is still empty.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
It's always so foggy
on October mornings.
She knows that's no excuse
and she's so sorry.
She never saw the yellow bus.
She never saw the flashing lights.
She never even saw him
until he hit her windshield.
And she's so sorry.
She can't bring him back.
She can't take it back.
All she can do is
look at the floor.
And she's so sorry.
And she's so sorry.
And she's so sorry.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
Always beneath
Certain days end forever
Geniuses hold idioms
Just **** lamentations
Many normal old people
Question reason
Still, tomorrow usually varies
Whether xenon yields zeniths.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
And bright red
Can't stain bright red
It's not because
It's beautiful
It's not because
It's right
In fact, you forget why
You came here
There's a reason
For all of this
The tub is just the cleanest
Place to do it.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
Her body lay crooked and peaceful on the pavement. She didn't close her eyes until she hit the ground and it was over in a way it had never been before.
The wind felt so soft against her skin yet harsh in her ears, blocking out all other sound. Falling, she was graceful in a way she had never been before.
She thought of her dog, and how she'd be alone and hopefully someone would feed her. She'd forgotten to do the dishes.

She thought of the time she met that guy from Chicago. Ben was his name. They had *** in his car in a dark alley, next to a dumpster.
He never took her shirt off and that was the only one-night stand she would ever have. Maybe she should have written more than "Goodbye" on that napkin.
She thought of her mother's grave and her father's will. Her whole life didn't flash before her eyes like she'd heard it would.

She ended up falling backwards like someone would catch her. She couldn't decide whether to leap or just keep walking.
As she stood on the edge, she noticed the city was beautiful in a way it never had been before.
The wind was cold and threatening
and she realized she was afraid of heights. She took off her shoes and it only took one step to get where she needed to be.

As she walked across the top of the building, she didn't cry and she was calm in a way she never had been before. She got off on the twentieth floor and climbed the two flights of stairs to
the roof. When she got on the elevator, six people joined her and no one
asked questions and she was alone in a way she never had been
before. She walked the eight blocks to the building she
knew and tried to appreciate all the small
things but the air smelled like
hot dogs and no one
on the street was
smiling.

She locked her apartment door and dropped the keys on the floor. They made that sound only that keys and loose change can make. Before she left she looked in the mirror by the door
and noticed her reflection was so confident in a way it never had been before.
She almost wished she could cry but that seemed silly so she closed all
the blinds instead. She looked at the clock and it was half past six
and it was time to go in a way it never had been before.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
I stood underneath a street light,
Hoping I would get a bright idea
When the sun went down.
It didn't work.

I walked home and every thought of you
That I pushed from my mind got caught  
In the ends of my hair
And slapped me in the face  
Every time the wind blew.

Somebody yelled, "Nice ***!"  
Out of their truck as they flew past me.
It would have been a compliment
If only they'd said,  
"You're beautiful!" instead.

There was something about the moon
Being out before it was actually dark
That hurt my feelings the same way
You never thought you did.

I remembered I forgot  
To tell you something.
I forgot to remember  
When I got home.
When I got home,
The door opened with a sigh
As if to say, "I'm glad you're home."
As if to say, "I missed you."
As if to say, "Silly girl,  
Doors don't care if you ever open them."
Ellen Bee Nov 2015
I used to think about you every day
Bittersweet and nostalgic
Now I think of you when the moon is blue
I forget your middle name
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
She stared out the window, looking
past the reflection of everything behind her.

The rain, past the trees. Past
the small ***** of light and
near the merest glimpse of
the purple sunset. She was
lost in the window.
Ellen Bee Mar 2017
Sometimes, I wish I was cold-hearted.


And I have no idea why.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
He kept shooting at it.
Bears are badass.
Stop looking at me.
You might eat a seal.
I don't know what that means.
It was five dollars, but what the ****...
That's why I quit my job.
That one good hit.
I smoke two bowls by myself.
I killed that water dragon thing...
Monsters.
I can go to the city.
Hunt them.
I don't capture monsters.
I got you.
I really want to blow something up.
Something epic and meaningful exploded.
VKC property.
A hundred times more epic.
***** magazine pictures.
Insane.
Thirteen blunts.
His mom didn't know for a week.
All I see is ****** everywhere.
Fin.
I do this thing when my friends and I hang out...I write down random parts of our conversation and turn it into poetry.
Ellen Bee Dec 2013
I never make resolutions.
I feel I'm just setting myself up
for failure.
January always brings changes
for me.
That's just a coincidence,
I think.

I stood in front of your apartment
door.
I noticed it's green
yesterday.
Today,
I noticed there's a nameplate.
"Doctor"
it says.
Ellen Bee Dec 2013
There's a little porcelain doll
Sitting on a shelf
Watching everyone go by
She's just pretty enough
To glance at
And just interesting enough
To hold for a minute
In her hand,
She holds a little glass heart
It's been broken
And there's a tiny chip
On her shoulder
With time, her price tag will show
Her diminishing worth
Her looking glass eyes will stop
Reflecting the light
And her painted-on smile
Will fade
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
And I hate it
Pink isn't meant to stand alone
It's trying so hard to pretend it's happy
For your benefit, only
The walls wish they could bleed
Just to be a different color
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
Before you go
Hit this
Before you go
Don't go
It wasn't me
It was you
It's not that bad
Before you go
This was...
We were...
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
Kiss me, here, in a savage way
A clean blue slate conducting violet voltage  
I'm a ****** for exotic green

Purple reigns like a sea siren
Rain forests rise and shine
Hippies are just meadow junkies

Can't stop a free spirit
Ocean side to see the skyline blue
Leap frog and I need a refresh-mint

Blue slate for side walkers
Exotic green rain storm
Magnetic force causing a black rage

Skyline blue reminds me of tangerine crème
Why not wild thing?
Kiss me here for the real teal

High line green and stormy weather
Secret admirer radiation
Green with envy, purple reigns

Leap frog just blue me away
Sea sirens are just gypsy girls
Stormy weather shows your black rage

Mint apple and violet voltage
Happy endings will leave you hot blooded
High line green, Olympia

Rain storm and I need a refresh-mint
Stormy weather and we play leap frog
Secret admirer, let's meet?

Black rage, you're so hot blooded
Olympia, rise and shine
Blue slate and I need a refresh-mint

Mint apple and magnetic force
Leap frog with me, wild thing
We blue it, sidewalkers
The colors of my fingertips over the past few months.
Ellen Bee Feb 2014
I'm content
I like myself...
How I look...
Who I am...
But I have writer's block
Because I have nothing to say
When I'm happy
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
There's a monster right outside my window.
It's keeping me awake.
It roars just to test its voice.
Its huge square eyes stare at me, never blinking.
The red glow that flashes from its body is blinding.
It wails briefly, then roars again.
It purrs loudly, non-stop.
All I want is to sleep,
But there's a monster right outside my window.
******* fire trucks.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
Only fur.
Only bones.
She's gone.
I loved...
I still...
Good dog.
For Drago
Ellen Bee Jan 2014
Parked in front of your house
The headlights still glowing
I can feel that look on your face
And see your heart beating
I can tell you want to kiss me
But you won't
I want to tell you to kiss me
But I won't
And behind the thought of us
Trying to find warmth
By taking our clothes off
In my backseat
We both know our history
Won't repeat itself
But we might just end up
Rewriting our future
Ellen Bee Jan 2014
His hands are big, but not in a weird way. They're big like a man's hands should be. He's got wide, long fingers and broad palms. They're the kind of hands you want to hold when it's cold outside, because you know they'll keep your whole body warm. They're strong. Rough and soft at the same time. His fingernails are square and always short, but I can't tell if he bites them or not.

That one time, in my bed, those hands were around my waist. They were pulling me closer to him and into my hair he asked, "Do you think we could ever be together?" My fingers paused on his zipper and I asked, "Is that something you want?" His left hand crept up my shirt. He whispered, "Yeah."

At some point, my hands were up against the wall with my long blue fingernails trying to dig into the paint. I said, "Don't you think we should talk about that when you're sober?" By then, his hands were on my naked hips helping to rock them and he replied with, "I guess so."
Ellen Bee Mar 2017
You'll never read this.
And I'll never see your face again.
Not in real life anyway.
It pops up.
In my dreams.
In my train of thought.
Sometimes.
Many years ago
I thought
We were
The story of infidelity
*** in the park
Secrets
And heartbreak.
It turns out
We were
The story of lies
Unintentional love
Undeserved passion
And lessons learned
All the wrong ways.
And now I know
You didn't love me
And you didn't love her.
And I'm glad I'll never
See your face again.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
We're in a waiting room.
It's dark and chairs line the walls.
There are five other people.
We're all sitting on the floor.
Two men come in.
They both have guns.
Without hesitation,
One of them shoots a girl in the head.
I scream and you held me.
I start crying and the man shoots
Everyone else, one by one.
The other man just stands there.
Never speaking or moving.
The shooter steps over the five bodies.
He stands in front of us.
I sob into your shoulder.
You look up at him.
He says,
"Do you see how easy it is
To end someone's life?"
He turns and they leave,
Shutting the door behind them.
Another dream
Ellen Bee Jul 2014
I am from nowhere special.
I am from a small place.
I am from bonfires and intoxication.
I am from my parents.
I am from their love.
I am from their hate.
I am from a womb that later housed two others.
I am from lonliness and self-mutilation.
I am from Ramen and frozen pizzas.
I am from mental illness.
I am from coffee and cigarettes.
I am from Grandma's biscuits.
I am from laughter and too many tears.
I am from getting high on the roof.
I am from an altered state of mind.
I am from my mother.
I am from seeing the sky.
I am from hope of better things.
I am from the search of soul mates.
I am from me.
Marta Maria Miranda mimic
Ellen Bee Dec 2013
You're never coming back
It all ended just like the movies
You were the main character
She was your leading lady
I was the obstacle you had to overcome
And you rode off into the sunset with her
And I was hurt and alone
The way it was meant to be
Fade to black...
Ellen Bee Apr 2014
In fifteen years
When you've signed your third set of divorce papers
And I've had too many one-night stands to count
When you've got two kids in highschool
And I've written three unpublished novels
When our lists are long
And our hopes are gone
When our youth is a memory
And half our lives are over
...that's when we'll get married
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
And that's the way it is
Before you even know it's too late
Counting your blessings seems vain
Doesn't it?
Even the bad die young
Forget everything I ever said
******* it
Half-empty glasses don't tip over
I can't prove that to you
Just to make you happy
Keep telling me I'm wrong
Lust is just safer than love
Make me want you only once
Next, forget my name
Only the lonely
Pretend to be fine
Questions only lead to things you don't want to hear
Rational people keep it all to themselves
Show me who I really am
Then trade me in for something new
Unwind yourself and
Very carefully
Wrap me in what bound you
X marks the spot
You'll use invisible ink and
Zone in on your target
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
I used to want to be beautiful.
I became beautiful on the inside.
I wanted to be loved.
It made me loving.
I know I'm weak.
I'm stronger than you think.
I feel what I feel completely.
I'm giving if you take it.
I think too much.
I don't talk about it enough.
I'm mostly a good girl.
Unless you make it hard to be.
No one ever broke my heart that didn't deserve to.
I'm a good friend.
I can make you want more.
I can make you need less.
"God knows I don't want to be an angel."
Ellen Bee Dec 2013
All my lives
You've been there
And if I fall in love with you
I'll never see you again
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
Thunder like a car crash.
Violet violent lightening
Breaking the sky.
In this light
You can see how old she feels.
It was never supposed to be like
this.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
But I have the pieces.
I can learn to let it go.
You made this decision.
I made that choice.
I've slept in your bed
And you've slept in mine.
And in that way, we
Know each other.
Ellen Bee Apr 2014
I like the way the sky smells in the summer
And your hand in my hair
I like coffee and cigarettes
And how the ashtray fills with our secrets
I like it rough
And every end of a good book
I like the greener side of happiness
And the way it was
I like a mystic sense of humor
And magic
Ellen Bee Jul 2014
Six years old and we thought we knew
How it would all turn out
But Prince Charming doesn't
Go through hell to find us
He doesn't love us more
Because we're not completely human
The beasts don't transform
Just because we love them
One kiss doesn't awaken us
We're never rescued from the Gustavs
The Jafars
Or the wicked witches
And there are never any happily ever afters
Ellen Bee Dec 2013
I once saw a moth
Fly right into a burning candle
It stuck in the melted wax
And probably died instantly
I think I am that moth...
Ellen Bee Dec 2013
I didn't want to do anything today
I did our laundry
And the dishes
I tried to write
But was uninspired
I watched a good movie
And smoked a lot of cigarettes
I didn't eat anything
But never got hungry
It's Saturday night
And I'm sitting at the house
I didn't care about that
Until it was pointed out
I didn't mind being alone today
Which is unlike me
But I did miss you
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
It was so much more exciting...
It was so much more enlightening...
It was so much more.

The last day and I feel nothing.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
He was probably being sarcastic.
       Probably.
What?
I was laughing...
Thinking about it...
Laugh forever.

      Tick tock...
            Tick...
          Tock...
       Tick...
That's not what it's about.
Farewell.
Well *******, too.
I'm sorry I don't love you.
Unrequited.
No wonder
       we're all so ****** up.
  This is how it feels.
    Forgiveness never made anything better.
         I'm sorry.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
Oh Becca, dear Becca
Your sunrise hair makes me happy
I love how weird you are
Using your glasses to hold things
You make me laugh
You listen
I see your beauty
Inside and out
In your child
Life without you would be the worst
You're my rock
My best friend
I'm so glad Dan got you high

Fin.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
I just need
someone
to look at me
that way
one more
time.
Before my
empty hands
wrinkle
and there's
no one left
to look back
at them.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
Maybe,
so many people
have killed
themselves
because
they've been
reincarnated
and everything
is too different.
"I can't live this way."
Ellen Bee Mar 2014
You can barely see the scars
On my thighs
Anymore
That kind of bothers me
And I'm not sure why

We talked on the phone
For hours the other day
The fact that it had been years
Didn't even come up

You're married again
And you're having a baby
I didn't have anything to tell you
Because there's nothing to tell

You said you missed my laugh
I asked why
You said she doesn't laugh
Then you said she does
But it's always the same

It did make me think of all those years ago
The fighting
The screaming
The crying
The cutting
The laughing
The ***
The heartbreak
The longing
The jealousy
The secrets
The silence
The words
At least then I had something to talk about
I'm not in love with you anymore
But I'll never not be in love with someone
The way I'm not in love with you
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
I'm sad when I'm scared.
I never wrote that one thing down.
It's comforting somehow.
History does repeat itself.

You never had to lie.
That's the truth.

It's always changing the same way.
It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

It's funny how easy that is.
You can't break my heart if I don't know you.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
He walked into the store singing,
"He's an old hippy and he don't know what to do..."
Coke-bottle glasses on his face and a
Guitar case slung over his shoulder with
An American flag sticking out of it.
Plastic grocery bag with assorted items.
Band aids, cheap bottle of wine, Hershey bar...
There's an ear bud for an iPod in his ear.
He holds ******* to it and says,
"Radio silence."

Then he says,
"I saw him at the store.
I'm going to be the first to see him."
He grabs a forty of Icehouse
and brings it to the counter.
Into his own ear he says,
"I'm off duty. I can drink a beer if I want to.
Uh-huh. Okay. Radio silence."

He pulls out a tattered paperback book.
He tells the cashier that as he reads the pages
he rips them out and throws them into the fire.
He tells her his story.

His wife left him after twenty-two years
of marriage, nine years ago.
She ran off with a thirty-one year old man
when she was thirty-nine.
She met this man on the computer he'd bought her for Christmas
and six months later she was gone.
He said, "The bible says there's two things that won't last:
a fire with no where to go and a woman without a child."
After twenty-two years they never had children
and when she met Paul from New York, they had a baby.
He hasn't slept with another woman since
and he hopes, one day, she'll come back.
He said, "If she needed five dollars and I only had four,
I'd beg you for another dollar and that's love."

"Radio silence."
He was quiet for a moment.
He told the clerk they were looking for a man
named Jerome Black and to watch out for him.
And then he was gone.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
It's December but it feels like March.
I drove to work ****** today.
I noticed a lot of caution signs.
But nothing to be cautious of.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
The feathers of the trees turn to ash
The wind dances coldly
The air smells of summer's death
And winter's rebirth
I realize the earth is a phoenix
And I am happy
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
She's in the flowers
Again.
She likes her pajamas
At noon.
Barefooted
Before you know it.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
"I'm always alone," she told everyone.
Ellen Bee Sep 2013
Smoke breaks in January
chill your cigarette to the bone.
  Mailboxes look like people
  and the people are just strangers
  with something to say.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
"Don't," was all she could say.

Love: the way to destroy someone.

What if he never comes back?

You've no idea who we are.

I never meant to love you.

He ****** her with a vengeance.
Ellen Bee Oct 2013
I watch the cars go by,
as I smoke my cigarette.
I wonder where they're going.
The people, not the cars.
I wonder where I'm going.
Who knows.
Let me live in right now.
Watching the cars go by.
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