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Ellen Jan 2014
You know that feeling?
That moment when you wake up,
that split second,
where you think life is good,
You can't even give yourself a reason for your troubles
You can't recall that feeling of pain,
or the memory of hopelessness

You are content,
for once.

And the second that comes after,
where it immediately hits you.
You realize reality is all rushing back to you
and you have to live another day.

This is why I hate going to sleep,
because I know I'll have to wake up,
and every time I wake up,
that feeling *repeats
Waking up is the worst part of my day. Reality is slipping back into my life.
Ellen Jan 2014
This feeling. You can’t describe it. But you can feel it.
Imagine being half a foot, looking up from the surface of the ocean.
You can see the light, the sun, the sky. You can almost breathe the air the world has to offer.
But in reality, you aren't breathing.

You’re sinking.
You’re tied down by these invisible, almost nonexistent chains.
You can’t see these restrictions but you know, you can feel that they’re there.
Slowly, six inches turns into a foot, then two, three, four… ten
until the light starts to fade.

It’s not complete darkness, but you know the end will come, probably not soon,
but you know the result will be death.
The lack of oxygen, this sharp pain in your lungs, your head, doesn't go away.
It accumulates, then multiplies, it never stops increasing.

Time passes, and now you know there is no hope of being saved, being rescued by others.
Maybe there are people at sea, searching for you, hoping to revive you,
but you will never know because you have pushed yourself too deep.

You will never accept their help because you no longer can.
You have already given up on yourself, nobody or thing will be able to save you,
if you do not want to be saved.

The only thought that crosses your mind is when you are going to die.
You are longing for the end result because you can’t take this anymore.
Death seems like a better option than suffering.
That’s when you realize, things won’t get better.
It will only get worse

The moment you feel like you are about to sink to the bottom of the ocean,
you realize it is just a current,
because there are still ways to go until you hit the depth of the endless matter of darkness.

Along the way, you meet others experiencing the same situation as you,
but both of you can only watch each other suffer and sink.
When you try to help each other, the weight of two drags you both lower,
knowing to end the pain faster.

The pain becomes worse as your body physically and mentally starts to deteriorate.
You know you are about to crack,
you know the end is almost here.
As you land in a stage of limbo,
a phase of nothingness

You finally realize that you have hit the deepest of the rock bottoms.
That is when the pain and suffocation finally rush away from your body.
It’s finally over.
This is my life.

— The End —