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Elle Kay Dec 2013
i have an overwhelming terror
a nervous fear
i'm paralyzed with panic
and it's bringing me to tears

i'm in love with you
and afraid you'll go away
afraid that i've scared you off
with the things that i say

i break down on your shoulder
in the middle of the night
and you were always there
and made me feel alright

but i'm absolutely
sickeningly
maddeningly
scared
that you'll stop caring
and there'll be no one there

i went three days
without messaging you
and i broke down
so many times
that i'm broken in two

i'm afraid that you will leave me
afraid that if you stay
i'll keep needing you
i want to push you away
please stay
Elle Kay Jan 2014
you were there at one am
when i was crying
and nearly dead

you came when i called
and held me and promised
it'd be okay and you'd listen and care

and now you're gone
and i'm in pieces
and you laugh
and scoff
and ignore

but i can't blame you
i did something wrong
i must have scared you off
it's my own fault
Elle Kay Jan 2014
i know it sounds
melodramatic
to hear me complain
about my parents

but i just cannot
will not
shall not
take it anymore

in a relationship
when your partner says
"you can't see them,
ever, ever again"
it is considered abuse

when your parents say
"you can't see them again"
it's parenting
that they can do as they choose

when they rip you away
from what's keeping you
alive
and tell you that you have
no right
to be sad
or broken
or cry
or run

well maybe y'all see
why my life is
done
Elle Kay May 2014
she writes his name on cigarettes
so his name will be her dying breath
the only thought left for her tonight
is that each cigarette is a day off her life
Elle Kay Jan 2014
last night
you were drunk
i was sober
and alone

last night
you made out
with so many girls
it hurts

last night
i told you
i really
really
liked you

last night
i made mistakes
and i was
the sober one

this morning
you said
you didn't remember
anything

this morning
you promised
to read our old
conversations

tonight
we're both sober
exhausted
all night

tonight
i'm afraid
of what i'll say
to you

tonight
i'm afraid
of your
reply
Elle Kay Dec 2013
people sometimes say
everything
that falls
is broken

in that case
why am i still
holding together

why have i yet
to crumble
and break
after falling for you
Elle Kay Jan 2014
all i did was offer to help
the least i could do
after you helped me through hell.

but you turned me around
and shoved me back in.
it was a backstabber's move,
a fluid motion.
Elle Kay Jan 2014
I remember when I first met you, there was a spark. I loved you, and though you didn't swing that way (your being gay and I being female) I wanted, above anything else, to be your friend. Over the span of three weeks, we ditched the "getting-to-know-you stage," as you phrased it, and I told you everything. I needed to tell someone everything, and I never realized that you didn't tell me anything of your own. Friendships, like all relationships, must be give-and-take. Rather, it was give-and-be-taken-from. But I didn't care... I needed to have someone know. And you listened to my depression and my problems and gave advice that was logical rather than what I wanted to hear, and I loved it. And we went to parties—my first, actually—and danced and held hands and I pretended. When I broke down on your shoulder at one in the morning you asked if you should come over, you offered to be there when my leg had been bleeding for an hour. But now it's gone. After four weeks of pure bliss, something went wrong. I don't tell you things, because you ignore me. I get along better with your friends than I do with you. And I hate it and I cry myself to sleep over it. Because I need you, not only to cry on, but as a friend. As a stable rock to lean on.
And you're gone now, like I will be soon.
Elle Kay Jan 2014
you said he had made you
demanded it
forced it to happen
but when i talked to him,
i heard the opposite
Elle Kay May 2014
It seems as if I love someone new each week
Which is a little bit true.
But it's only because when I really love someone
I have to pass on through.
Otherwise I'd still be stuck on him,
The only one I love true.
Elle Kay Dec 2013
i used to hurt
so much inside
i had to pull it out

i thought it hid
inside my blood
so i let it all
pour out

it didn't seem
to work so well
so i tried drugging
it down
with pills

the pain still crawls
and bites
and claws
no matter
what i try

i really hope
it goes away
before i give
up and die
Elle Kay Jan 2014
maybe when i crumple
to the floor
and don't try to get up
anymore

maybe when they see
the cuts
and realize it's on them
not "us"

maybe when i do not
live
and have no more thoughts
to give

maybe then they'll
realize
they've torn me apart
out and inside
Elle Kay May 2014
my dying words:
i love him and he not me
Elle Kay May 2014
he apologized too many times
for her to believe it again
but she does
out of love for him
she'll never get back
Elle Kay Dec 2013
i hang on to
every word
message
note
smile

because you're the first one
to make me feel happy
loved
cared for
worthy

you let me hang out with
all of your friends
even though you're cooler
older
smarter
better

and every day i'm terrified
i'll misstep
misspeak
mess up
and lose you
Elle Kay May 2014
one of these days you'll get to class and look for me.
but you won't be concerned that I'm not there.
until our teacher behind to speak
with tears in her eyes.
and tells everyone I died.

you probably wouldn't believe it
because I've been better lately.
but then you'll realize
that I was the best at lies.
Elle Kay May 2014
Why is it confusing
To ask if you'll speak
To my face
Instead of behind it?
Elle Kay Jan 2014
when you look
into a mirror
and see your own
reflection
you don't see
the tears
you don't see
the kisses
you don't see
the drinking
used as an
escape
you don't see
the beauty
you don't see
the love
you only see
the scars
left behind

— The End —