The funny thing about life
                                              Is how we all have different perceptions and opinions
                                                        ­                                                                 ­                      On the same topics

But ha,
Nowadays we've all got to be nonconformists
Rebellion is tricky thing to master
To go against society is pretty much impossible
When the rest of society goes against itself
So those who rebel against the normal
Are so numerous that rebellion has become normal
conformity so to speak,
Has been lost in the eyes of adolescence
And blinded by the ideas
That being yourself
Is mainstream
But be different
But that's too average
light in the prism of teenage life
Is bent to show illusions and be deceptive
To tell us its accepted to be a unaccepted
Lets head back to the time where preppy cheerleaders and brain-dead football jocks
Ruled the hallways
And il-pubescent  band geeks were shoved into lockers
Like in the movies
Where only real society is existent

We                    Made                   It                    To                    
                    ­                                                                 ­                               *Almost

We're all animals.
                                Man is quite a territorial species
                                Do not go near what I call my own
                                Is our instinctual mentality

                                We attack each other
                                Playing *****
                                Grime and blood on our hands and necks
                  
                                Primal behaviors
                                Must be displayed to live
                                In this jungle

                                Mothers give birth
                                Then abandon their young
                               For  preparation of life

                               But most incredible
                               Is how we always find our way home
                               After being tattered by the beasts in the wild

Why do I do this?
To both you and myself?

Why do I crave your approval?
Why do I need your respect?

Can't I just be strong?
And move on?

Nope. I still need someone to tell me I have potential.
            I still need someone to let me know i'll make it big one day.
            I still need someone to give me that little but of encouragement when I'm too ******* myself.
            I still need someone to sit me down and say, "I believe in you".
            I still need someone to give me advice.
            I still need someone to look up to.
I respect you so much.
We had our differences but all in all, you're still my role model.

But to you, I'm nothing.
Hurtful words roll off your tongue so beautifully.
                     I don't understand!
One day you think I'm amazing
                                                         The next, you're telling me im just mediocre

I may say your words are empty to me
....But I hang on to every last
**Sy-lla-ble

Poor girl never is truly satisfied
By the grotesque figure that stares back at her
Distorted features cut by the broken glass
In the mirror
That little crack in the corner
That creeps it's way down like a spider
Attacking her reflection
In shame, she runs away
Tears flowing easily
As she purges her problems repeatedly
Little naive girl never is truly gladdened
Grabbing at her skin
And pulling it
Stretching it
To look the way she sees herself
She looks up for a moment
And the beautiful child
Who once had life in her cheeks and the world in her hands
Is absent
A stranger stares back her
With a  gaunt looking physique
All color drained from her face
Her skin blotchy
Her hair thinning
Dull eyes deep in their sockets
Highlighted by dark circles
All of this seems to be no problem
Throw on some makeup
Braid your hair
And that's taken care of
But aching neck down is all disappointment to her
After every scanty meal
She sneaks off
To cleanse herself of imperfections
surprised that no one has yet to notice
She desperately runs to the dreaded mirror
Where she sees no difference
And this sad little girl beats herself out of frustration
Bashing her brittle bones
Poor girl, be satisfied

9:04 pm
Rock me till I find deep sleep
Lull me with a sad soft song
I'll lay here and count my sheep
Rest's all I've wanted all along
But I'll lay awake and do nothing but weep

10:23 pm
The bitter black night is only my enemy
Unfortunately still wide awake
Stop sitting here restlessly
Stop thinking bout it for goodness sake!
But I'll lay awake and pretend you're next to me

11:49 pm
Great crown of thorns gleaming on my head
Pretending that I'm okay
Just telling myself, "Hush and go to bed"
Praying from my problems, my mind will stray
But I'll lay awake and wish I were dead

12:00 am
I float off slowly
And in dreams I'm less lonely

Tick.    Thud.    Tick.    Thud.
Can the audience hear that?
                                                  The sound of my heart beating syncronously with the metronome
I hope not. Because all I hear is the simultaneous thud/tick of nerves.
                                                                ­                                                              Don­t show your nerves

Can the audience see that?
                                               The sweat that's accumulated on your palms
I hope not. Because all I feel is a cold slimy instrument in you hands. Slipping like butter.

Can the audience feel that?
                                               That frantic look you're giving everyone
I hope not. Because angst and apprehension don't go over well with spectators.

                                                               ­                                                                 ­              Just don't show your nerves.
                                            Relax.
      ­                                                 And take some deep breaths.

Inhale, tick, thud, exhale, tick, thud, inhale, tick, thud, exhale tick, thud
Inhale, tick, exhale, tick, inhale, tick, exhale
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
Inhale, *play

Billy,
Your eyes lit up this living-hell we call life
Make anyone's day with just a smile
Sadly it all ended with just a knife
I promise we'll meet up in just a little while

I'm sure father will make sure you take care
We tried to hold back tears when the phone rang
But instead, fell to the floor in despair
My heart fell heavy with one loud "bang"

St. Peter will welcome you with open arms
Everyone you loved is waiting for you
So now, go on

Without you I have no inspiration
You've always been my muse
But I guess without you, I've not much to go on for
You took the most vibrant, lovely pigments
And escorted my brushes to paint the most random of strokes on my enormous white canvas
Movements were rash and irratic but in the end it was the most beautiful thing I've seen
...second most beautiful.
But something had caught my eye
I had seen a work of art like this before
It was too familiar; I'd seen you paint a while ago
I misjudged your manipulation of my hands for guidance
Sadly this was all in your plan
To show me a symbol of your love
When it was much less than tangible

                       But every night, before I fall to sleep, I stare at the beautiful colors you turned my world
                                                           ­  And the light brush strokes are all but a reminder

When we first met I didn't think much
But with a smile and a touch
I fell head over heals
But now I remember what I want- to make time roll back

On our first date I wasn't really impressed
But you looked really cute in the way that you dressed
I knew you were sweet
But now I remember what I want- to make time roll back

Our first kiss was less than great
But I knew God brought us together by fate
I thanked the stars a thousand times
But now I remember what I want- to make time roll back

That first fight really brought the heat
I thought I'd won; in all honesty I was beat
I couldn't undo this one
But now I remember what I want- to make time roll back

If I were to get to Carnegie hall
Oh, how I'd have such a ball
I'd sell out the whole venue
But all it seems I'm able to do
Is play sad songs on 6th avenu
Doing anything to get out there
But ask anyone in town, my names not out anywhere
Just waiting around for my dreams to come true
I've got things to prove to me and to you
I'm just a shadow away
Patiently waiting for that day
To play at Carnegie hall

In my home
These cautiously padded walls
Seem so friendly

Back

                                                     and

                                                                                               Forth

                                                                                               Back

                                                     and

Forth

DANCE.

          until someone

                           m

                                  i

                                      s

                                          s

                                              e

                                                  s

                                                               a step

and we all








FALL.

           and we’re bruised with mistakes

           but we still continue this waltz.

That stroll around town was different this time
My hands were cold
my arms empty
I stumbled to nowhere
With my best friend
Brandy
Tight in my palm
I waked down to the water
that was the only thing bigger than me
And I sat there with my delusional imaginary friends
As my schizophrenia acted up
****** Brandy
The cold glass rim
tingled my lips
where yours once did
and then
I was gone

Kiss
                  Me
If
                 I'm
Wrong
                 But      
I
                 Am
In
                **Love

My sweet, you've no right quoting Shakespeare
I'm nothing to a rose
Do not say where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear
Just keep to yourself so secret and so close

Anon, be patient as a female dove
He does not compare thee to a summers day
Yet I say he is in love
Tragic to say love is but decay

If I'm a rose, remember roses have thorns
I wish not to borrow cupid's wings
For now, I'm hoping God sends me no horns
Tied I shall be not by only two rings

You cannot call it love; for at your age
Just play as all the world's a stage

Ahh that quaint little house
Down by the bay
Is perfect
I dream of us there someday
Light blue paint siding is slowly fading
But highlighted by the reds, yellows, and pinks
Of daisies
In the flower box
Outside The bay window
In the kitchen

I wake up on an early Sunday morning
Open the linen curtains
To let cools ocean breeze fill the room
With warm sunlight
And blue jays chirping
I pull on my faded pink robe
And follow the bitter smell of coffee grinds
Into the butter yellow kitchen
Where I meet with you
At a small round table
You in one chair
The other is all mine
We greet each other with a smile
No words
You're reading the paper
And we sip our black coffee in silence
You dress in a suit
And I, in my new white dress
And we skip down the cobblestone road
To the enchanted little church
Down by the bay

Oh how I long
How I long for that day
That day that we meet down by the bay
And for every day in between
Down by the bay that is so serene
Every day with you
Waking up smelling morning dew
Until the day
Down by the bay
When everyday the ocean brings foam
Where we'll both lay
Until the cows come home
To that little house down by the bay

I'm running on empty
E V E R Y    D A Y
but I keep on going
E V E R Y    D A Y
I want to cry
E V E R Y    D A Y
but I keep on smiling
E V E R Y    D A Y

Throw me off a bridge
While I fake my own suicide
Dying inside
I'd like to blame you
But there's no blame
Just do it
Stab me
While I escape this town
And never regret it

Fear is that exact moment of hesitation
The uncontrollable trepidation
For the young
Fears are materialstic
For the aged
They're all concealed
For fear of fear itself
Is fearing everything
And those brave men
Fear their own shadows

It's cute, this little dance that we do
Up and down the narrow strip of ballroom floor
You've  got them cornered
You're one step ahead
Poor kid won't even see it coming
You toss around their pawns like it's nothing
With each little tick
Of your valiant swords
Ha! You've figured them out
I'm sure you're chivalrous so you'll make it as painless as possible
4-4
0:05
Back forth back forth
Lunge!
And you scream before the buzzer goes off
Because you already know it's yours

*checkmate

The dead trees burned

The tables turned

Scattered ashes blanket the ground

There was no life to be found

To demolition, the forests are bound

The fire had gotten it's sick satisfaction

It burned

And burned

Engulfing everything in its path

Just a wink, fire'd shown it's wrath

You say you're a friend
But then why are you so quick to throw me under the speeding yellow bus?

You say you're a friend
But then why don't we talk; just argue?

You say you're a friend
But then why is there not an iota of truth in your empty words?

You say you're a friend
But then why am I left alone in the dust with no one?

You say you're a friend
But then why will you turn around and ****** a ***** knife through my back?

You say you're a friend
But then why?

It's those morbid dark thoughts
That everyone has
But we all hide from each other
Masking the dusty feelings of anger, sadness, detest, abhorrence
Society has brainwashed us to say I'm happy
we really want to say ***** you all
We can't live with the idea that anyone could possible be better than us
Why have we conformed to the idea of the everything is alright mindset
We all hide it
We all have it
We all subconsciously show it
I always knew green was my true color

How is it that ***** Wonka's factory
Is suddenly my little shop of horrors?
I was overwhelmed with excitement at first
Mmm honey, you taste so sweet
But too much is never good
Walking through wonderland
I began to realize there was so much excitement
I wanted everything
And I got everything
Everything
That word sticks like butterscotch
Everything that was good
Everything that was bad
I couldn't handle all of it
And the wonderful things
In the dark, towered over me
Intimidating I thought
My dreams had become nightmares
I'd fallen for candy's trick
And now I'm stuck knee deep in honey

Sitting in this hot air balloon with you makes me smile so wide
Time flew past us like the seagulls outside
I could just touch the clouds
The people, houses, cars, and problems were so small
We'd left the earth and the troubles that she brings
Out here,
In the crisp pure air,
watching the blue sky
Fade to orange and purple; every hue
Makes me feel alive
And happy I'm with you

Admittedly,
I'm not original
                           I don't really speak for myself
                                                  Listen for myself                                            
                                                  Think for myself
                          Or even really love for myself
                                                                               But,
                                                                                       I do infact,
                                                                                                        FEEL for myself
So do me a favor,
And
       Speak for me
       Listen for me
        Think for me
  And love for me
                              And in return, I will feel for you

I can't wait to get out of here
To step ouside, smelling cool city air
I need to get away
Suburbia's a place i'd hate to stay
I know this isn't where I belong
So to the trees and sidewalks I say "so long"
I'd rather be in the city bustling
Than watch the evergreen tree rustling
I understand I call this place home
But then why do I feel like I'm so alone?

I just need time to clear my head
                                                       So please get out
My life's just been a gloomy wet march day
I trudge through puddles outside my driveway
Little patches of mud accumulate around my lawn
And its freezing
So cold, but not quite cold enough to snow
It sends me chills
And the sun starts to peek out
but its deceiving
Mr. Sun is too shy
He runs back into his cold dark cave
And the day turns again to gray paradise  
Its the most miserable day imaginable
Its March 9th

Notes,

Fly off the page and guide me with your solace

Carry me far from here

Explain to me the all unclear

And dear notes,

Please never leave me

Give me comfort in melody

Rhythm,

When I need a friend

Distract from all that will impend

And through the choppy syncopation

Help me find sweet consolation

i started playing, alone in misery

But ended smiling from your trickery

Dear music,

So cunning and deceiving

Blanket my woes

Make my happy so nobody knows

My notebook
Is my best and only friend
I trust you with all my secrets
My darkest wishes
My brightest memories
We exchange tales
Of love
And heartbreak
I can count on you to be there for me
So I cam vent to you
About all the reality I wish to leave
Thanks, notebook
For keeping my inner thoughts
In your beautiful bindings

Kind eyes only saw his porcelain  skin
Lightly skipping over the harsh pounding in his soul
Why she was so touched by his iced hands,
She would not tell
But she sees now whom she loved
Whom she let steal her heart
Protect your heart child,
Don't let it be borrowed and beat
Truth hurts
But not nearly as much as heartbreak
battered by love;
Torn from all she knows
Afraid to love
Afraid to cry
Bruised from his faults
She only sees his shiny, porcelain skin

Leaves change

As does my heart

To the warmest of reds and golds

And the worlds beauty blooms from cold dark nights

And the leaves turn and begin to fall

The trees weep over the dead dank landscape

Violent winds carry the leaves

Only to be dumped at my feet;

A cruel reminder that all is gone

But dont let go.

Let the cold winds carry your heart

And hold it high

Don’t let it fall

Until all again is reborn

When fawn fall in love

Fingers fly like doves
You may not know it but
I'm painting
And my canvas is the thick air
Each tone is a color
A deep rich purple
Or a bright yellow
It's not really inspiring
But really I'm trying
To be an artist

Notes; nice notes nagging at me. nice but not 'nough.
Chords; crystal clear in my ear. Clever but cutting.
Music; my marvelous melody. Each measure brings me muse. Making me move.

Feel        it       running       through      you
With      each      note,      each      rhythm ­     making      you      feel      more                         ­             alive
a          c         c       e      l    e    r   a   n do
Faster!                  Faster!       Faster!  Faster! FasterFasterFaster!
Feel  that?  That's  adrenaline!  That's  mus­ic  running  through  your  veins
Bringing you higher with each step. Breaking free.
                                                                ­
                                                                ­      This is what I live for.
                                                                ­      This one performance.
Everything else is nothing to me
                                                              ­ All my doubts have all                                                              ­    ...vanished
And I realize
All I'm doing is pressing a couple buttons and staring at black dots on paper and a man waving a wand
                                                            ­     But it's beautiful, sweet music.

It's.                                                    ­                                                                 ­                                                         Magic

Who the hell am I kidding?!
Why you
Just look at yourself
I can't even take it
I held the leash for too long
And honey,
Your in the doghouse
While I'm in the kitchen
Pondering faded memories
Nothing more than dust
Only seen in a ray of sunlight
I totally just forgot I had a dog

If I could say what I was thinking, the world would be so different

To the girl I smile at every day in the hallway
heard you're not a ******... Little ****.
To the abandoned little puppy that makes me "sad" on my way home from school
got no where to go? ***** to ****, ***** mutt
To the teacher that whose class I graciously received a 90 when I deserved 100
I see you're dealing with your low self esteem and home problems by unfair grading
To my friend whos dress I say I love
that's the worst dress I've ever seen. You're wearing rags that are fading
To the boy I wave at smoking on the corner
haha you're so dumb. I'll love to see you smoke yourself sick
To the kid I said I'd go to prom with
why should I go with you? You're such a little *****
To the woman with all the insecurities
hmm if I looked like you I'd be insecure too
To the people who try to stop me from these rants
all I have to say is F---- *you

.               When                                                             ­                     
                  175                      ­                                                              
                  met                                           ­                           At    9:59    a    blood
             ­     with                                                        ­             curdling         scream
                   77                                                                  ­      was      heard     from
to 85 the world held                                                           sea    ­ to     see.    The
their   breath.  People                                                  ­        unimaginable    had
gathered          round                                          ­                happened.          Two
town.          Strangers                                         ­                 words   .   .   .  It   fell.
held     hands.      And                                                  ­       Toppled     over   like
liberty     street    was                                                    ­       my    old   jenga   set.
ironically         named.                                                         Soot   covered    faces
I  was  so   young.  So                                                       ­   Stared       into     our
terrified.   Screaming                                           ­               hearts.  The     bright
and   crying    at    the                                              ­           colors     stained     on
newscasters   on   TV.                                                          our ­        flag         had
I  thought   of  people                                                       ­   different      meanings
who     were     there.                                                          t­han     before.      Red;
That I  knew.  Daddy?                                                 ­       for   what    we    bled.
Where are you? Why                                                        White;­  for smoke that
can't  I call  you?  This                                                 ­       fell like  a  blizzard  in
was  much  too much                                                        late January. Blue; for
For  a  wee 5  year old                                                        the   ­ tears    we   shed.

                                      But on 9/11/11, we started new.

The laws of respect aren't in black and white
There's not a book to tell me who to respect
                                                         ­                    And whom I should spite
I do respect those who work for the do
                                          Do what they love
                                          Love what they do
                                          Learn to love
                                          Love to learn
                                          Expect nothing
                                          Fear nothing
                                          Want nothing
                                          Hate nothing

I do not respect those who act mature; you're translucent as glass
                                                Aren't themselves
                                                Crave attention
                                                Need Approval
                                                Loathe the world
                                                Are ignorant
                                                Are blinded by the beauty of life by their arrogance
                                                Wish too much
                                                Complain too often
                           

What does it mean when I say I possess all traits under list two?
Do insecurities drive me to disrespect myself?
Or do I just have high standards?

How can my trust be so far buried in you
You don't even see it
The darkness can only shadow your sins for so long
And  you will turn to something much lighter
Like ****** knuckles
And swollen fists
But when the whole wall is torn down
You can only ****** yourself at the corner of your psyche
And at that point, when all the innocent mentality is destroyed
You will rest peacefully

beautifully spun was this glass vase

all around, was nothing but space

and without a blow

the light vase swung to and fro

and though it fell down all too slow

it shattered to pieces

that in the light,

seemed glow

glistening like stars on a summer night

dear love, i warn you

dont pick up the pieces

along with the vase came down our chances.

try to mend it,

the jagged edges only cut you

deeper

and deeper

to think of what we’ve all been through

and though you know what i’d hate to do

on this note

i bid adieu.

Tea time
And I sit alone
At the table
Hearing cicadas drone
Seeing roses climb the gable
Steam coming from my small mug burns
And without you here, I am now able
To focus on much bigger concerns
Like what color to paint the picket fence
Or where to place this quaint birdhouse
Or what to name the new little field mouse
That scurries outside where the magnolias bloom
right next to the headstone where the leaves are strewn

During that one free minute that you have every day
How about you do some reflecting
On everything you do and every word you say
Take a deep breath
You're just overextended
You have way too much stress
You acted okay but you only pretended
Theres this monster you've created
Not just a busy working bee
You've gone psychotic; that's simply stated
In that one minute I remember this isn't me