I just need time to clear my head
                                                       So please get out
My life's just been a gloomy wet march day
I trudge through puddles outside my driveway
Little patches of mud accumulate around my lawn
And its freezing
So cold, but not quite cold enough to snow
It sends me chills
And the sun starts to peek out
but its deceiving
Mr. Sun is too shy
He runs back into his cold dark cave
And the day turns again to gray paradise  
Its the most miserable day imaginable
Its March 9th

Why do I do this?
To both you and myself?

Why do I crave your approval?
Why do I need your respect?

Can't I just be strong?
And move on?

Nope. I still need someone to tell me I have potential.
            I still need someone to let me know i'll make it big one day.
            I still need someone to give me that little but of encouragement when I'm too ******* myself.
            I still need someone to sit me down and say, "I believe in you".
            I still need someone to give me advice.
            I still need someone to look up to.
I respect you so much.
We had our differences but all in all, you're still my role model.

But to you, I'm nothing.
Hurtful words roll off your tongue so beautifully.
                     I don't understand!
One day you think I'm amazing
                                                         The next, you're telling me im just mediocre

I may say your words are empty to me
....But I hang on to every last
**Sy-lla-ble

Without you I have no inspiration
You've always been my muse
But I guess without you, I've not much to go on for
You took the most vibrant, lovely pigments
And escorted my brushes to paint the most random of strokes on my enormous white canvas
Movements were rash and irratic but in the end it was the most beautiful thing I've seen
...second most beautiful.
But something had caught my eye
I had seen a work of art like this before
It was too familiar; I'd seen you paint a while ago
I misjudged your manipulation of my hands for guidance
Sadly this was all in your plan
To show me a symbol of your love
When it was much less than tangible

                       But every night, before I fall to sleep, I stare at the beautiful colors you turned my world
                                                           ­  And the light brush strokes are all but a reminder

Tick.    Thud.    Tick.    Thud.
Can the audience hear that?
                                                  The sound of my heart beating syncronously with the metronome
I hope not. Because all I hear is the simultaneous thud/tick of nerves.
                                                                ­                                                              Don­t show your nerves

Can the audience see that?
                                               The sweat that's accumulated on your palms
I hope not. Because all I feel is a cold slimy instrument in you hands. Slipping like butter.

Can the audience feel that?
                                               That frantic look you're giving everyone
I hope not. Because angst and apprehension don't go over well with spectators.

                                                               ­                                                                 ­              Just don't show your nerves.
                                            Relax.
      ­                                                 And take some deep breaths.

Inhale, tick, thud, exhale, tick, thud, inhale, tick, thud, exhale tick, thud
Inhale, tick, exhale, tick, inhale, tick, exhale
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
Inhale, *play

Notes; nice notes nagging at me. nice but not 'nough.
Chords; crystal clear in my ear. Clever but cutting.
Music; my marvelous melody. Each measure brings me muse. Making me move.

Feel        it       running       through      you
With      each      note,      each      rhythm ­     making      you      feel      more                         ­             alive
a          c         c       e      l    e    r   a   n do
Faster!                  Faster!       Faster!  Faster! FasterFasterFaster!
Feel  that?  That's  adrenaline!  That's  mus­ic  running  through  your  veins
Bringing you higher with each step. Breaking free.
                                                                ­
                                                                ­      This is what I live for.
                                                                ­      This one performance.
Everything else is nothing to me
                                                              ­ All my doubts have all                                                              ­    ...vanished
And I realize
All I'm doing is pressing a couple buttons and staring at black dots on paper and a man waving a wand
                                                            ­     But it's beautiful, sweet music.

It's.                                                    ­                                                                 ­                                                         Magic

Billy,
Your eyes lit up this living-hell we call life
Make anyone's day with just a smile
Sadly it all ended with just a knife
I promise we'll meet up in just a little while

I'm sure father will make sure you take care
We tried to hold back tears when the phone rang
But instead, fell to the floor in despair
My heart fell heavy with one loud "bang"

St. Peter will welcome you with open arms
Everyone you loved is waiting for you
So now, go on

What will it be like when I'm


                              

                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                   ...gone
when I'm all but dust, will you live?          How about love?
when I no longer walk this earth
                                                          H­ow will it.       u  r
                                                                    ­             t              n

Will you even notice my






                                                        ­                                                                 ­                                                absence

I guess not.

Now I see where we

*                                      S
                                      T
                ­                      A
                                      N
 ­                                     D

You say you're a friend
But then why are you so quick to throw me under the speeding yellow bus?

You say you're a friend
But then why don't we talk; just argue?

You say you're a friend
But then why is there not an iota of truth in your empty words?

You say you're a friend
But then why am I left alone in the dust with no one?

You say you're a friend
But then why will you turn around and ****** a ***** knife through my back?

You say you're a friend
But then why?

9:04 pm
Rock me till I find deep sleep
Lull me with a sad soft song
I'll lay here and count my sheep
Rest's all I've wanted all along
But I'll lay awake and do nothing but weep

10:23 pm
The bitter black night is only my enemy
Unfortunately still wide awake
Stop sitting here restlessly
Stop thinking bout it for goodness sake!
But I'll lay awake and pretend you're next to me

11:49 pm
Great crown of thorns gleaming on my head
Pretending that I'm okay
Just telling myself, "Hush and go to bed"
Praying from my problems, my mind will stray
But I'll lay awake and wish I were dead

12:00 am
I float off slowly
And in dreams I'm less lonely

In love
Its only natural to be                   P          U          S          H          E­          D
 
    o                    i     l                f            o      r      e             w  ­    y                e       o      e              
y    u            w     l                o          c       u      s             s      a                  b       f        r                  


                                  ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                  F

                                        ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­           A

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                          L

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                          L

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                            I

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                          N

                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                          G


It's fine to stumble, but remain UNBROKEN
REFUSE to be torn by this
Stand TALL
And prove you're **UNBROKEN

Kind eyes only saw his porcelain  skin
Lightly skipping over the harsh pounding in his soul
Why she was so touched by his iced hands,
She would not tell
But she sees now whom she loved
Whom she let steal her heart
Protect your heart child,
Don't let it be borrowed and beat
Truth hurts
But not nearly as much as heartbreak
battered by love;
Torn from all she knows
Afraid to love
Afraid to cry
Bruised from his faults
She only sees his shiny, porcelain skin

beautifully spun was this glass vase

all around, was nothing but space

and without a blow

the light vase swung to and fro

and though it fell down all too slow

it shattered to pieces

that in the light,

seemed glow

glistening like stars on a summer night

dear love, i warn you

dont pick up the pieces

along with the vase came down our chances.

try to mend it,

the jagged edges only cut you

deeper

and deeper

to think of what we’ve all been through

and though you know what i’d hate to do

on this note

i bid adieu.

Back

                                                     and

                                                                                               Forth

                                                                                               Back

                                                     and

Forth

DANCE.

          until someone

                           m

                                  i

                                      s

                                          s

                                              e

                                                  s

                                                               a step

and we all








FALL.

           and we’re bruised with mistakes

           but we still continue this waltz.

Leaves change

As does my heart

To the warmest of reds and golds

And the worlds beauty blooms from cold dark nights

And the leaves turn and begin to fall

The trees weep over the dead dank landscape

Violent winds carry the leaves

Only to be dumped at my feet;

A cruel reminder that all is gone

But dont let go.

Let the cold winds carry your heart

And hold it high

Don’t let it fall

Until all again is reborn

When fawn fall in love

Notes,

Fly off the page and guide me with your solace

Carry me far from here

Explain to me the all unclear

And dear notes,

Please never leave me

Give me comfort in melody

Rhythm,

When I need a friend

Distract from all that will impend

And through the choppy syncopation

Help me find sweet consolation

i started playing, alone in misery

But ended smiling from your trickery

Dear music,

So cunning and deceiving

Blanket my woes

Make my happy so nobody knows