tell me what keeps you awake at 2 am
whether it’s the girl who took the knife of her absence and stabbed it into your sternum
or the loneliness that swallows your skin

play the one song which releases the floodgates in your eyes
and let me listen to it over and over again
until i find which line makes your heart drop to your stomach

describe the story of your body to me
tell me of the invisible scars too
and with each detail you describe
i will make a map
so i know which road bumps to avoid
or which holy sites to fall to my knees and kiss the ground of

remember that
i wear a mask brimming with self confidence and an armor of words that are both easy to tear for they were thin like tissue to begin with
i am sensitive
taking to hurt the way a sponge absorbs water

do not hide me behind closed doors or keep me entrapped in bed sheets
when you walk past me, do not pull your hood over your head and avert your gaze
i need you to look at my eyes as if they illuminated the entire world
and kiss my lips as if they are what allow you to breathe

open the door.
bring me flowers.
because the only boy who did either was my 5th grade boyfriend

be willing to meet my family and friends
for they were the ones who created the marble statue whom you marvel at today

take note of how my heart is a reflection of myself
how she is too kind and will kiss the same man who tore her in two
so please do not say words which will make her wings flutter
if you are not ready to be the nest she flies to

let me know that me, as myself, i am enough
that i do not need to be a chameleon
dipping myself in new colors each day to please you

remember the little things about me
like how my first phrase i uttered was shut up to a man in an elevator or the delight i take in handwritten letters and mix CDs, or the significance of my first tattoo
because everything about you is being etched into the walls of mind
so that i can never forget

trace your fingers with a loving tenderness over my scars from the times i transformed my body into a crucifix
pinning my hands and feet onto a cross out of habit
thinking love was a word synoymous with self sacrifice

you must learn my language
know what zips my lips into silence
know the difference between when i want to give up versus when i will actually do so
and be there to hold me when the seams start to unravel

if you want me to love you
know that many have tried and failed
that people like me are not meant to be soft
if you want me to love you
know that to me
love is not a word you spit out of your mouth and juggle in your hands
you need to promise that our love won’t be like an hourglass
for my body has been disfgured enough from the times my chest turned inside out from the pang of abadonment
if you want me to love you
reaffirm my body is a kindgom, my heart is the treasure, and that i am your queen
paint pictures for me in what you do and say
telling me i am worthy to be loved, worthy to be kept, and worthy to stay

but if you really want me to fall in love with you
tell me what you see right before you close your eyes at night to fall asleep
and if you tell me it’s me
i will fall unfathomably further for you than i already have

You fade...
Like a bruise.

Like the ones your mouth left on my neck and shoulders with its lustful pressure.
Your teeth, which brought moments of bright pain/pleasure,
Are now bared in an artificial, animal smile.

Your lips, which parted to ******* skin like it was salvation,
Barely part now to speak to me.
You whispered my name like a prayer.
You screamed it like a curse.
You sighed it in contentment,
And now you won't even speak it in passing.

Your hands, which half-playfully pulled my hair...
Now won't pause to brush it from my face.

All these parts of you,
None more telling than your eyes.
Those new windows, which once let me pry...
Now have blinds drawn tight behind them,
Leaving only a pretty, shiny reflection-
A passing, glancing imitation-
Of the passion they once held
When they beheld
Me.

No color left to them but the muddy colors of
Boredom,
And possibly mistrust.

You fade...
Like a bruise.
Like the one you left on my mind with your brilliant conversation
And beautiful, rusty prose.
Like the many you left on my tongue...
Which now can speak nothing but trite and meaningless words,
Which now can barely remember the shapes
Of all the shimmering, liquid phrases it spoke to you
That seemed so important at the time.

You fade...
Like a bruise.
Once lover and friend,
Now barely one
And never the other again.

I want to sit on your shoulders
And laugh at the earth
Just like all the stars

As we picked up the sticks and stones we used to break each others' bones,
our bodies tensed in the claustrophobic silence.
Never forgetting elephant in the room, she wouldn't go unnoticed.
Over-sized, heavy mammoth, pregnant with disclosure
Yet she couldn't give life to her word's desires.
Stillborn.
But the waters were far from it.
They escaped from my eyes, down my face
running wild and free, sweeping away everything in its path as my heart wished it could.
On your face, they roared like waves travelling at great speeds,
crashing onto the shores of an island neither of us felt welcomed in.
We cried.
We belted our sorrows to the skies while rainstorms consumed our eyes.

& there we were.
Picking love's splinters from our hands.
Asking questions that would never leave our mouths.
Giving answers to questions trapped in our dreams.
You, my love, had the upper hand.
I gave you the bigger piece of the wish bone.
I placed the ball in your court & you just kept bouncing it to yourself.
Up and Down.
Not much flight.
No direction -  Like a bird with vertigo.

It broke my heart to stare at the silhouette my private parts know so well
but still unable to see the soul that played bodyguard to my private thoughts & dreams
that sometimes I couldn't even admit to myself,
but somehow you just knew.

You've changed.
You're not the angel I once knew.
Bright eyed, optimistic and sure of yourself.
A smile so bright it blinded the sun
and a laugh like poetry in motion.
A heart sliced from the breast of an angel
and a love deeper and richer than a saltan's pockets.

No need to tell me now we're through.
It's all over now.
You've Changed.

I stood at the top of the stairs, waiting & watching,

to see his car come winding around the bend,

up to our street and into the driveway.

Filled with anticipation & mischief, I listened quietly for his footsteps,

the jingling of his keys, as he unlocked the front door.

There I stood, hidden, trying not to breathe,

as I listened to him slowly climb the stairs, feet weary from the day.

Full of hope and excitement I jumped out,

'Boo!' I gleefully shouted, with a smile perched on my lips.

Time stood still, if but for a moment,

searching his face, I focused in on his eyes.

Expecting to see joy and amusement,

instead I was confronted only with a frown of annoyance.

My smile departed almost as quickly as it had arrived.

Filled with disappointment, as I watched him move past me, not even touching.

Down the hallway to his room, briefcase in hand, shutting the door behind him.

Leaving me at the top of the stairs,

with a hole in my heart.

The rain left random splatters on my bedroom window like water colors on a thick canvas;
7:45, a humid Monday in the summer
Mother Nature with her paint brush,
she pulled back and released the bristles
to leave a spotty dripping splash of rather abstract art all over
every boring building in this tired city.
I considered it a small treat to be peering through the spontaneous drops,
as they distorted the mundane view of my front yard.
With a slight intrusion of my leftover child's imagination,
it appeared as though the pavement that slept beneath this old town house
was melting & all of the houses in this neighborhood were floating with the clouds,
silently through this aquatic universe... had I opened the window,
I thought, "it'd be sink or swim" so I thanked the green of Earth
that I was safe & dry at the edge of my bed.
As a kid the most painful of hours were eased
with a fictional story that made my situation seem safer than all of
its alternatives, although that was rarely the case...
My grandfather would stand in my door way & whispering through the chaos
of just an other tragedy, he'd say "If you can't find anything to be grateful for, pretend."
Well I know most of the time I was grateful enough just for him.