I’ve been thinking about God lately
And whats life after death
Because I can’t get past the idea that my existence is confined to just this flesh  
I need to know if god is real
And what heaven to book a room in
Because I would rather sleep in beds with saints
Uncomfortable in sheets that aren’t my own
Rather than be caught up in the eternal damnation of my very own sins
I want to know god
Know god like I know the voice of my lover
And I want to feel gods love like the promise of salvation he wrote in the bible thousands of years ago
Because 80 years in this body isn’t enough for me
Honestly 180 or more wouldn’t make me happy
Because I want to hear the voice of my great grandpas voice again
And my pops
And
I want to see my dog
Plus all the people that will go in my life time
I can’t live with a goodbye I’m not guaranteed
I want to know if God is just some placebo put into place to bring comfort to our souls
Or if I can out my whole life into the blind faith of a man I’ve never met before
And what would eternity be like?
Is it better than leaving a legacy thats starting out as rocky as mine?
Does every day pass like a steady wind
Or does it move slow like snails crawling over blades of grass?
Will we know what forever is?
In heaven can you look down on the souls wondering around below,
Or are you in the constant worship of gods holy presence?
I need the answers to all of these questions
And clarifications for all of the possibilities
And loops holes like reincarnations
Because I’ve been thinking about death lately
And what people believe is inevitable
Because I’ve always believed in the gray muddle between lines
I can get past the idea of black and while
Life and death
God
Or nothing

The take off
You start your life wanting to be a mom
Like a lot of little girls
Then as you get older and you see your mom working you realize you can’t just be a mom
So you want to be a vet
you get to middle school
and you see that being a vet is too much work with the grades you have
You decided you want to be famous
Look through all the thing you can be famous for
Realize you cannot sing
You have a very strong tell
And you laugh when you try to be serious
So acting is out
And you weren’t born with a body like Kim K’s
Or born with the money to get it
Come to the idea that you can’t be famous if you aren’t like other famous people
Settle for the idea you’ll be working some menial job you’ll hate
Just like your mom and dad
Just like your aunts and uncles
Just like everyone else in your family
Realize you love writing
Like no one else in your family
Pencil and paper always near by
And if not
You have three different journal apps on your phone
and four on your laptop
Along with two poetry blogs
And the hope you had for starting a book
The hope that started in 2014
that hasn’t been messed with
Realize you want to really write a book
And be the poet lauriet
Realize your dreams of being famous aren’t that far away
Come to the shocking reality that you cannot support yourself on just this book
Decide you want to be an easthation
A word you cannot even spell
So you can wax peoples legs and arms
And parts of people you don’t want to see
Go through your last year of high school
Get put back into carters class
See how this teacher has changed your life
Opened you from your shell
See that you have made real progress
Not just in your writing but through that
You have become a better person
See that the take off
Started when you realized that you wanted to be a teacher

I've just been staring at my journal lately
Words don't come in waves like they used to
Tidal waves that took days to process
And ten poems to get through
Maybe its just the clearing of negativity
Or maybe its just my depression taking over again
I write in drops now
The drips of a leaking faucet
You can't water a garden with drips and drops
You can't harvest words that haven't grown yet

You were never strong
Even in those moments when I thought you were, you are not, have not will never be strong
You let the victim card define you
And while you survived many things
thats all you did
You never over came
You were never the gold you sang you were
at most you were a gold covered chocolate coin
Gross on the inside
Covered with false light
You just turned 18
You can't play the victim card to get out of jail
You can't play it to get out of court
And no matter how loud you sing
The stench of the drugs and alcohol in your system will always be louder
You said you were proud of yourself
Not like your father
Or your brother
Oh but yes you were
Ever bottle to your lips was
There are days I wish I never would have met you
Never would have tasted the sin you subjected me to
Wish I would have retained my innocence  
But now I look at gold covered candies
And thinks of your sin

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes
But I’ve got no rhythm tip toe around the precision of other writers  
I get lost easily in the waves of patterns and structure
Rupture my skin in the process
Destroying words and phrases in the mess of my skin and blood
Dragging myself through the mud I am a jumble of words that don’t even fit together in sentences
My types of fetish’s aren’t feet or latex, but poetry
Supposedly everyone can rhyme but
My fingers can find the time from the space between pen and paper
Maybe if i cover my room in wallpaper made from failed poems
I’ll finally get there
Rip out all my hair
I’ve never successfully written rhyme worth sharing
I’ve been in this despairing state for a while
Ran miles on my tongue  
Wrung myself dry from all my creativity
Found I have a bigotry towards everything I write

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes
I ask for an example
Sample sounds on paper
Ending up with ample amounts of couplets
But its never enough, its always going to fall short
Someone needs to take me to court I’m copying the sound of other writers
Profound thoughts never said eloquently enough
It’s rough to be a writer that doesn’t know how to write
But I’ve never been the type to give up
Cover up all my failed attempts at rhyming with free-verse
Curse me, Or even worse
Coerce me into thinking I know what I’m doing
Because whats worse than blissful ignorance
Hand my a fistful of advice and set me free
But I’ll never be the girl who rhymes rhymes
My fingers will never find the time lost between pen and paper

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes
Sometimes they nearly get their wish
But all dreams parish in jumbles of words in phrases
Blaze through whole journals trying to write two poems
Crumbling my own thoughts in my too fast thought process

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes
I still with pencil and paper
Set out on this caper
With a website that gives me words that rhyme
I’ve decided to let people get their fix
Try my hand at rhymes
Take my time
And slow down my too fast thought process
Soak up all my creativity
A rid my mind of every bigotry I ever had
Because the girl who rhymes
Will always be the girl who rhymes

Water that stands still becomes a poisonous petri dish of parasites
No one willingly drinks it
No one, not even dogs can survive on it

You told me people were changing
Tried to make me promise not to change
I didn’t think anything of it
I’ve always been a creature of habit
But I didn’t realize every still frame you took of us was turning us too still -
Stagnent

Every Creek runs a stream
Every stream runs a river
And water is always traced back to the oceans
The oceans
They support millions if not billions of creatures
Millions of different sources creating a big beautiful constantly moving changing habitat
Every part working together
And while parts of the ocean get terribly still
There is always a storm
Wave crashing destroying beautiful things
Only to be rebuilt in an even more fantastic way

Now don’t get me wrong stagnant water supports life
Like disease carrying bugs
And the bacteria that can give you malaria
Stagnation can take over whole creeks, streams, even ponds
Destroying whole ecosystems
Letting things rot

You said that I have started to change
Tried to make me think I was doing the wrong thing
When I put myself and my family first
When I kept running
You kept yelling
“WE HAVE TO STAND STILL”
Your toxicity can no longer touch me
I’ve found the ocean
An amazing ecosystem working together supporting life
Moving together and separately
Supporting growth

While your stagnant puddles are evaporating from the sunlight,    
The bugs keep crawling on you

But your disease can no longer touch me
Parasites can no longer reach me
I’m running and flowing
moving and growing through this ocean
And you stay still
In your still frame stagnant puddle

Look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself this is not your fault
Repeat this step till it is not a lie
2. Gather everything that reminds you of them
Put it in a box, stare at it till it is meaningless
3. Put the box on the curb
1. This is not your fault
4. Delete all pictures of them off your phone, out of your mind, they are just taking up memory
5. You have to erase them from your social media, every picture, every tag, post, indirect, tweet, poke, tbh, every re-post, every message
6. Write every word they have ever spoken to you
7. Burn it
6. Write every lie they have ever screamed at you
7. You have to burn it
1. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself this is not your fault
This cannot be your fault
1. This is not your fault
8. Wear your favorite yellow dress, the one you never felt comfortable enough to wear around them
Sing your favorite song louder than they would ever let you
9  Listen to the sad songs, Adel on repeat, Taylor Swift, every sad song you can think of
You need to cry out the toxicity
10  Fill the gaps in your life with friends, all the people you could never hang out with
Pick up a new hobby, learn how to hem al the pants you have
11  Realize you never loved them, just the idea of them
12  Understand that looking through rose coloured glass red flags don’t look like red flags
1  This has never been you’re fault
You’re starting to realize this has never been your fault
13  Shave off all of your hair

Okay maybe not that extreme but cute your hair short, dye it black, electric blue
Do this for yourself something you’ve always wanted to do
Wear this as a proud sign saying “I’m over you”
0  Realize you’ve found closure
Understanding what happened was half of it
Know that your mind and your body are in the last stages of healing
You’re healing
You have found closure

I'm back

RIP Waterbear,
You never were anything but an idea
A very scary idea

I have an irrational fear of bodies of water
When I think of them,
I feel my lungs tightening
My fingers get numb
I see sharks coming towards me
mouths wide open
Its the kind of fear where thinking about it makes your whole body shake and tense up at the time
Your teeth grit together and you just
When I was little I used to swim almost every day, I practically lived in the pool
I wanted to be a mermaid, spend every moment in the water, the ocean was a whole new world
I spent my summers living in the lake
Diving into the water and trying to touch the bottom
I thought heaven would be a utopia of oceans
And we would spend eternity floating
The first thing I did when I went to florida was run to the ocean
I ran till my bare feet were no longer hitting ground but treading water  
Swimming in pure bliss and happiness
But that all changed about two summers ago
I was riding a wave runner when My father turned a little too hard
And I was thrown off
It was in that moment that my body forgot how to swim
Sinking in the water light was hard to see
Every single fear that you could have about water flowed into me
I feel my lungs tightening
My fingers get numb
I see sharks coming towards me
mouths wide open
Thrashing in the water till I found the surface I saw my father  
Attempting to swim to him, I some how found my way back on the wave runner
I found myself back into the lake house
I’ve never been back in a lake since, not even a body of water
I got nervous the first time I got into a swimming pool at my friends house
I hope that heaven is dry land
And even though I don’t live by the ocean I’m still overwhelmingly terrified of it
And I’ve found that your love, is the ocean.

Two months --
And a maybe
68 days --
And a .1% chance
Eight more days
To take upwards of three
tests to see
If my life --
Our life --
Is changing
Or maybe I was right the first time, Just mine
Because when I told you about worry
You told me about clinics
When I talked about
Talking to parents
You told me you didn't even want your mom to know
Seventeen and Sixteen
You tell me you don't want to be a statistic
Another cliche
But I don't want to be a graveyard
I don't want to grow flowers either
You asked me why I'm worried now
And I have no words to describe the feeling in my gut
The odd sense of paranoia
With no evidence for my worry
A little over 9 weeks
And a trembling thought
2632 hours
And anxious feelings
-P.S. I'm keeping it-

One -Breath- Two -Breath- Three -Breath- Four -Breath-
One time was too many
And certainly too early because in February I would have been 13 for less than half a year
To early for me to be photographed by police that referred to me as the victim rather than a survivor
Or much less my name
-Breath-
Two was not as bad as it could have been
It was just a dark room with my mouth filled with someone elses yes rather than air
I’m just glad someone walked in when they did
-Breath-
Three was scary
Because its scary to wake up still drunk screaming no,
Your whole body shaking to a rhythm someone has trapped you in
He bragged to his friends that he kept me screaming all night
-Breath-
Four was an accident that I could have prevented by keeping myself in a safe situation
But why should I have to decide not to have fun so someone won’t take advantage of my high
I remember saying no
-Breath-
And a quiet no should be just as powerful as a screamed no but it seems that
These four men didn’t have an understanding of the word
I say men, not boys because not a single one of these “men” were 18 or younger
What made them decide my body was their property
Did one know that
He would affect me for the rest of my life?
He was the first boy I “fell in love with”
I have always tried to convince myself that there was some good in him
Did two know that he would make me scared to be alone in a room with another boy
Scared that having the lights off made my no invalid
Did three know that he would make me wary of playing drinking games with friends
Scared that there was no safety in the home of someone I knew, my neighbor
Did four know that he would ruin my trust of going over to a boys house
I thought he was a nice boy, he worked at the grocery store and had seen me shopping with my mother
I had told people where I was going, I just wanted to watch a movie
But before the main character was even introduced his hand was unzipping my dignity
I said no
But I guess they learned to never take no for an answer

I love you more than 16 miles
I already told you that
Because even though its cheesy
I love you to the moon and back
I love you more than 23 minutes
Trust me I’ve traveled long trips
And I’ll travel longer for you
I’d travel half way across the country
And all they way back
Just to see you for five minutes
I want to send my love in baskets
But it would take years to send it all
I want to write out my love
But it would take epics to do it
I love you more
Than
Anything really
I love you so much I haven’t really been able to think about anything else
The dopamine has taken over my brain
And You’ve got me drugged
And I love you more than that
I love you more than the six months its going to take for me to legally drive to you
I love you more than a taxi fare
I love you more

I want to pour gasoline on my body
And set fire to my fingertips
Run my fingers through my hair
Watch it burn, and singe my scalp till I bleed
I want the fire to lick at my skin with an intensity no one has felt before
I want to scream everything I hate about myself
I want to stand on the tallest building there is on a windy day
Feel the wind ripping at my skin
I want to stand on the edge
I want to be the edge
I want to see all the people as I jump
I want to see the fear fade from my eyes in the reflection of the glass passing on the building
See all the people clear as I jump
I want to scream everything I’m sorry for
I want to tie a rope around my neck
See colour become more vibrant that I’ve never been able to see
A new colour scheme
Finally getting a new perspective
Till it all goes monochromatic
I want to set up a cocktail party
Garnish cocktails with pills instead of cherries
Drink them till I feel cobwebs on my arms

and we sat on the couch together. He wrapped his arm around me, kissing my cheek. I stared into his eyes for what seemed to last years, but in reality it was mere seconds.  
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him about how I had loved him since the first time he had ever touched me, the first time his hand had brushed mine. I wanted to tell him that his arm around me was more comforting than being in my own bed at home. Everyday was a gift being with him, and I wanted to know how I got so lucky. His arm moving interrupted my thoughts as he pulled me closer.
“Ellie you know I love you right,” His voice was so smooth, it ran over my whole body, I felt like I was under a waterfall, and ‘I love you’ was pouring down my body. His eager eyes looked like they were searching for a response, and answer, an ‘I love you back’, but my mouth couldn’t form a word. My brain couldn’t even form a solid thought. The words I wanted to hear caught me so off guard.
“You don’t have to say it back, I just needed to say it. I’ve felt like this for so long, I’ve wanted to say that since the day I met you, but I had to wait till it was perfect. This seems perfect to me, but everyday really seems perfect when I’m with you,” his smile right now was most likely the dorkiest thing I’d ever seen. I felt my face get warmer and warmer, and I knew I was probably tomato red.
“I-,” I couldn’t form a word, I couldn’t speak. My tongue was twisted, and I was too busy just staring at his face. The slight upwards slant of his nose, the few strands of his sandalwood hair in front of his rich coffee eyes. His hand firmly planted on my shoulder. I pressed my head into his shoulder, his arm wrapped around me tightly.
“I love you,” I said, the sound muffled by his jacket. I felt my face growing warmer, I could tell I was blushing. I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close to him, his jackets zipper scratching my ear. He pulled away from me, and looked into my eyes just staring at me.
“I want this moment to last forever, I want to freeze time with us here, together,” He looked to eager.
“I don’t want this to last forever,” He suddenly looked hurt, “I want to spend years with you, I want to wake up next to you, I want to make breakfast with you,” His smile started growing again,” I want to get a cat with you, and name it something stupid, like captain meow meow, I want to sit up together at midnight and write things for you while you read them,” I felt out of breath, he looked so happy.
“Captain meow meow,” He was giggling like a little kid, I knew that I was utterly and completely in love with him.
“Captain meow meow,” I said back to him, burying my face into his chest.

I wanna sit in the back seat of a car with you
My legs on your lap
My back against the window
Your lips lingering on my neck
Telling me stories by mouthing words on my skin
Fingers pressed so hard into my skin
I expect you to leave bruises for the rest of my life
Sweat lightly beaded on our skin
My hair sticking to my shoulders
Your vest tightly wound between my fingers
I want you to play Flatsound
And tell me about your childhood
I want you to press your secrets into my skin
Till you engrave your story into me
I want you to stare at my flaws
Till you don’t hate me for them
I want you to scream everything you regret
Put your hand on my thigh
And tell me how you feel about me
Wrap your fist around my hair
Put your hand on my neck
Tell me what makes you hurt
Tell me what makes your soul burn

I went outside and looked at the moon
Saw its cold shimmer in the night
The far far away moon
The full moon
All its glory
taking up the sky
And all I could think of
Was you

You give me asthma attacks and heart palpitations
But like, in a good way

-What is Beauty?-
Cats, and you, and pizza, and you

Don’t become infatuated
Don’t fall in love
Especially not with poets
Because they only ever exist in their words
They will write you love poems, and lengthy paragraphs
With words said in ways you have never heard before
You will fall in love, with love poems, the way they say their vowels, and the look in their eyes when they read to you  
They will lull you to sleep with sticky sweet words
And they will speak of the colour yellow, in a new light
A new meaning will come to its definition
And it will slowly become your favorite colour
You will wear yellow dresses, and put daisies in every room  
You will see the speckles of yellow in their brown eyes
But you will find them at three in the morning sitting in the bath tub, bathing in the words of metaphors
You will find them having an affair with Stanzas and Verses at the same time, sleeping with sonnets
You will see that poetry was always their mistress
At night they will no longer share blankets with you, but they will wrap themselves in ballads and couplets
You will only be able to express this new distance with eulogies
You will start seeing yellow everywhere
In the beds of your nails, and them hems of your skirts
Till you start seeing it so often that you will want to puke up every word they have ever said to you
You will realize that talk is cheap and Rhymes are easy
You will realize that poets only ever exist in their words

Wait I.. I take that back
Fall in love with oddly pronounced vowels, love poems, lengthy paragraphs, and sparking eyes
Wear yellow dresses again
Pick a bouquet of daisies
Fall in love with 2 a.m. again
But not with just anyones 2 a.m.
Fall in love with yours
Get swept up in the arms of personification
Drink sticky sweet words, get drunk off yourself
Have a love affair with stanzas
Kiss verses on the lip
Wrap up your wounded parts with haikus
Become infatuated with metaphors
Whisper sweet nothings to yourself
Fill your nights with praise poems
And love songs
Tear up every eulogy you have ever written
Knit yourself a blanket from all the unfinished poems, all your couplets
Sing ballads to yourself
And write sonnets in the moonlight
Fall in love with rich words and complex rhymes
Don’t worry about falling out of love this time

-Im about-
I’m about spoken word on youtube
Split screen with my blog, writing in my journal
I’m about
Cold doctor pepper
Home made chicken noodle soup
And Netflix binges
Living on the edge with a facade of being 50 yards away from it
Stolen nights
Nicotine
And midnight adventures
I’m about making bad decisions
Just so I can write a good poem
Kissing destruction
While wrapping myself in a blanket of false security
I’m a ****** nose
And a series of broken knuckles
I’m about
Once can’t hurt
And twenty other first tries
I’ve got a mouth full of white lies
And trace amounts of guilt in my pocket
I’m claiming my stake on new lands
And exploring uncharted territories

The other day my friend that I met in the hospital came over
He entered my house through the window and 2 A.M.
And he left at five
I float to my bathroom, and my father steps out of his door frame
Turning on the light
Only to gasp and ask me why the lower half of my face was covered in blood
And as I touched my ****** nose I told him I didn't know
Because whats the point of a sinner
Telling a sinner their sins
Because my father would never understand
Why inhaling life through a straw
Is better than breathing through your mouth
Because no one would understand why at the age of sixteen
I know more about drugs than my mother and my father combined
And no one would understand that I'm trying to throw away all of my straws
And as I go to wash my ****** shirt
And get the blood off my hands
I get ready for a day of jitters and paranoia

Coughing fits
One A.M.
Glass pipes
And bud
loosely fit words
Flowing on the the page
Like smoke out of my mouth
Nose bleeds
Two A.M.
Cut straws
White lines
Along with the blue lines
On my paper, with scribbled words
Only half legible
Panic attacks
Three A.M.
Sharp thoughts
Red lines
Words scribed in cold blood
Not entirely true
Hospital trips
Four A.M.
I.V. lines
Stomach pumps
Screamed I’m sorry's from my mothers lips
Why would you do this cutting through the air from my fathers mouth
****** noses from stress
Heart monitor
Five A.M.
Dripping line
White room
Mama were going to keep her for  awhile
Police holding my mother back
My father hanging his head in shame

Do not brake
Do not accelerate
Just coast
I am traveling over icy bridges
With deep puddles diagnosed as a mood disorder
But my new doctor thinks its something more along the lines of mania
Just like my aunt
*** holes and cracks in asphalt leading to depressed down falls
Speed bumps filled with anxiety
And a deadly black ice keeps me slipping
Till I’ve lost the little control I had
I’ve started hydroplaning into guardrails made of razor blades
Every time I think I’m in the clear
Onto a warm sunny road
The freezing rain comes back
Blinding me
And I have to travel on another bridge, longer than the last
There are people honking at me to move faster
But I’ve been in car accidents before, I know the damage they do
I do not wish to be flipped over guardrails
A side show for people to slow down and gawk at
I will just coast and deal with the honking while I go over anxiety bumps
And try to avoid depressed cracks
I will not break
I will not accelerate

Footsteps stomping so hard they send shards of the tile floor flying into the air
Hitting you in the face, you just brush them off
You don't hear me
I am setting bombs off in your backyard
Throwing rocks and dirt threw your windows
You don not come to see the wreckage I have created
I am screaming into your ear till my voices is cracking
You still will not hear me
I am nails dragging on a chalk board making myself cringe
I am a fork dragging on a plate in a quite room
You do not take notice
I am a new borns cry in the middle of the night
I am the screeching tires of a motorcycle going full speed down residential streets

Staring at blank pages
   I'm a writer
Words leaving me in my most desperate times I'm screaming
   I'm a writer
My identity can be summed up in three words, four syllables, nine letters
   I'm a writer
Sitting in my kitchen at two in the morning, pens and paper scattered everywhere
   I'm a writer
In a craft store grabbing blank note books, and three packs of pens
   I'm a writer
Even though I don't have anything noteworthy
   I'm. A. Writer.

Dear tenderfoot, Don’t hurt yourself here
I am the jagged edges you will no doubtedly cut yourself on
Soft hands grabbing me in the night
Take me for a ride, and just drive
Simple sweet sin in the depths of your shallow soul
Fingers tied into yours
Pull me apart at the seems in the thick waves of your chestnut hair
Dear tenderfoot, you haven't earned your name yet so I will not say it
Late night texts turn the wheels in my mind till turning pages with stanza written acrostically for you
You see you are a lot like the paper in the journal I write in
You tear easy
My dear, I am the pen, I can tear through you with my inked words alone
You see, lovely tenderfoot
You are soft and gentle like a chaser
And I have a ***** personality
You are a teddy bear in the talons of a hawk I call my poetry
But you will stay intaced
For now
The hawk will do you no harm
My inked words will not permeate your skin
And frankly I’d like a chaser like you to dilute the punch of my personality
so my lovely tenderfoot
Are you ready to become words on a page
With a star crossed lovers theme?
Or are you ready to give up all these dreams
And drive away with all my metaphors

Galaxies don’t really overlap all that often
But for us, they did
Even though the flying debris from their collision created a blackhole
The stars shone even brighter
And in that metaphor I’m referring to social groups
And a star crossed couple
And a vindictive ex-girlfriend
You see we made it against the odds
Your friends have always made fun of my friends
Cause my friend spend all of their time on Tumblr, and going to ****** concerts
And My friends make fun of yours for never giving us a chance
And your ex, makes fun of both of our friends because she doesn’t know the phrase “let it go”

That heart tattoo
Baby it doesn’t exist yet
Right now it is a small collection of stars on my thighs
My own galaxy
where I can play god
Its slowly expanding and soon
I’ll make it a black hole
And I’ll keep adding to it
Till it consumes me
And I will be gone from time, and light
And you

What kind of name is gyluss

I was standing outside
Smoking cancer
And I saw your shirt
My favorite band
And you already had me entangled in your fingers

Dear tenderfoot, Don’t hurt yourself here
I am the jagged edges you will no doubtedly cut yourself on
Soft hands grabbing me in the night
Take me for a ride, and just drive
Simple sweet sin in the depths of your shallow soul
Fingers tied into yours
Pull me apart at the seems in the thick waves of your chestnut hair
Dear tenderfoot, you haven't earned your name yet so I will not say it

Drugs feel decaf
popping pills
like candy
now I'm just getting a sugar rush
Downing six packs
that turn into twelve packs
that turn into an amount
That I refuse to count
You asked me why I started to like needles
and dear
Thats because I am afraid of them
I need a new tactic to build up a new rush
And phobias give me the pumping adrenaline I need

I put on the cologne you left at my house
A dab on my sleeve
I've been holding it to my nose and thinking of you
You were my everything
and with each bitter sweet scent comes a bitter sweet memory
I loved you
Even when you just love my body
Or what you left it
I hate myself
with out you
You were this other half of me that was completed and I was always so happy and I know that people say you can't fall in love at a young age
But I did
I feel in love at 13 and I miss you
You are locked away for the next 22 years
you already served one year
and what the **** I miss you

Long waving rolling green hill
Bathing in the early morning dew
Soft flower peddles
Push off your skin
Roll in the purity of ****** nature
cascading droplets
soft grass blades
Mothers touch

Don’t become infatuated
Don’t fall in love
Especially not with poets
Because they only ever exist in their words
They will write you love poems, and lengthy paragraphs
With words said in ways you have never heard before
You will fall in love, with love poems, the way they say their vowels, and the look in their eyes when they read to you  
They will lull you to sleep with sticky sweet words
And they will speak of the colour yellow, in a new light
A new meaning will come to its definition
And it will slowly become your favorite colour
You will wear yellow dresses, and put daisies in every room  
You will see the speckles of yellow in their brown eyes
But you will find them at three in the morning sitting in the bath tub, bathing in the words of metaphors
You will find them having an affair with Stanzas and Verses at the same time, sleeping with sonnets
You will see that poetry was always their mistress
At night they will no longer share blankets with you, but they will wrap themselves in ballads and couplets
You will only be able to express this new distance with eulogies
You will start seeing yellow everywhere
In the beds of your nails, and them hems of your skirts
Till you start seeing it so often that you will want to puke up every word they have ever said to you
You will realize that talk is cheap and Rhymes are easy
You will realize that poets only ever exist in their words

Baby I miss you
I miss you
When you were still okay
Well I guess I never knew you when you were okay

Momma smokes ***
Code word laundry
When I was a little girl I always wondered why my clothes smelled funny
I would walk up behind her, and wonder why she was smoking bad smelling cigarettes and she would hid them in shame
And I would go to my room and cry
Thinking my momma would get cancer
Now I think thats kind of ironic
Because one its ***
And two she raised a daughter who thought drugs were terrible
And three I probably have cancer from how many cigarettes I smoke

Lanky
Pale
Messy fudge hair
His shorts look a little too short
His nose looks kinda funny

Oopss

I will never let it go
I've been told to dye it a natural colour
So I could get a job
But what is the point of getting a job if you can no longer be who you are

I figured out my suicide plan doctor
You've been asking if I had one
And now I do
I want to swallow just enough pills
Not to much
Just enough to make the voices in my head finally go way
Then I will climb to the roof
with my note books
Every single thing I've ever written
And I will bring my best friend
*****
Yes doctor, I've told you that I have other friends, but ***** was here when no one else was
And I will write till the voices come back
I will write about every time I have tried to **** myself
I will write a letter to everyone who knows me
Even the janitor that found me skipping class my sophomore year
And the boys on the bus from middle school
Even the people who wont let my name soil their lips
Doc, I'm gonna write these letters because I need everyone to have a permeant personal good bye, something physical
I will fill up two note books with everything I write
And then I will write to whatever god there may be
And tell them I'm sorry that I had to end everything this way
You see doctor I've never believed in God, but if there is even a small chance he's real I don't want to leave on bad terms
I'm going to write down every coping skill I know and address it in a letter to my parents
Then once I can no longer write even my name
I will stand and dance in the light of the moon
Letting the soft glow dance on my skin
And I will ignore the chill of the night
I will dance till my knees shake
And then I will speak to the moon
Doc the moon is like *****, Its always been there
I will apologize to the moon
Reaching to hold it in my arms
Toes on the edge
I will fall reaching for the moon
And in the final moments I will rejoice in the cool wind nipping at my skin
I will bask in the soft shimmer of the stars
I will say I'm sorry as the soft grass makes contact with the back of my head
You see doctor I've figured out my suicide plan

I'm a writer
Let me scream it in the halls
And write poetry about it in class
I will promote myself every where I go
After all I'm a walking poetry piece
My name even rhymes

Sitting out side crying
Because I don't feel like my best friend lives me like she used too
I came I've here because I was depressed
And I needed her
But her boyfriend came over
And now it's one on the morning and he's still here
And I'm crying on her back porch
Wanting to go home
But it's too late to ask my mom

She tried to drop out of school
And I still supported her
She's been my best friend for four years on the 2141st of October
But what if I can't handle four more years

Sitting on her back porch crying
I have no one to talk to
And no where to go
My only comfort is writing

I need a form of closure
Because I don't really know if anything that happened was real
If your fingers really traced my thighs
If your teeth really broke the skin
If you really ever held me close
To know anything
Because even though you ruined me
You also created me

I've taken a new name
Because I couldn't deal with the
Constant reminder
The way you said Ellie
Sent shivers down my spine
It felt like cool cascading rivers washing down my skin

I stop to think if you've ever said my name again
In those dark prison walls
Locked away
You've never really looked good in orange

Sometimes I'll look at the scars on my legs and think
What would have happened if I hadn't met you
Would I still be Ellie
Wrapped in the innocence of ignorance
Or would I have still found out what I know now

You made me feel as though I had galaxies is my veins
And like my eyes were deep pools of the night sky
My mouth had been a grave yard
But you planted the tree of life on my tongue
My hair contained the winds of the world
But since the day I found out you left
I started draining my galaxy veins
Leaving empty universes
Reality with you holding her fogged over my night sky eyes
The tree of life was poisoned by my acidic voice
The day you left
The wind became extinct
And every metaphor I ever was, is gone

When I was young I wanted to be Crystal
It sounded so fragile and clear,
It was who I wanted to be
I felt so
muddy and alone
Then I wanted to be Lilly
Delicate and pure
The opposite of what I was at the time
No rough girl
with and older boyfriend could be called Lilly
I now want to be called Aurora
The galaxies on my skin
And in my hair
I am the light of the night
I am cold

I think my "drug problem" started in seventh grade
When my best friend opened her mouth and showed me her teeth made of pretty pills
And saliva tasted like whiskey
It progressed in eighth grade when we started sneaking ***** into school instead of water bottles
She started drinking spiked coffee on the daily
Bringing in baggies of rummy gummy bears
Over the summer she smoked ***
And I learned to swallow three pills at a time
Our freshman year we skipped three days in a row
And I learned how to disguise the smell of cigarettes into bubbly perfumes
I got prescribed yellow little bottles  
Over the summer I smoked ***
Sophomore year came and we skipped school l
Till my parents caught on
We snorted our first pill together
I started buying
Over the summer
We partied
Till we puked
She got arrested
And I learned how to line

My parents and I were talking
And then I started rapping
Some Childish Gambino
Only to have my dad say that I was never going to go anywhere in life
If I continued to listen to rap "and all that *******"
Because fast words and derogatory terms will apparently hurt your mental
When some of the brightest, highest educated people I know
listen to rap
In fact I want to pursue rap as a career
Because what is rap but poetry with a nice beat
And frankly if my parents wont support me "I don't give a **** about my family name"

You're love is anemic
Theres barely any flow

Him
He is there
Pleather Jacket bleaching the top of his hair
He is
New
Strange
I get a weird feeling looking at his face
Fake gauges
Long eyelashes
A new student to the school
He has two of my classes
He is
--- Unidentified
I'm intrigued