attention...
smear neon lipstick
all over my cushiony lips
I'll eat it like Crayola crayons
pose whorishly for the camera
be saccharinely
tell you I love you
when I know it's a lie
why?
for attention
always want to be the center of it
I'm a fiend
for
ATTENTION
give it to me I'll eat it up
and love every bite of it

you and me
paper dolls
hand in hand
cutout of two lovers
who solemnly swear to another
that our love will always run deep
you
a mirroring reflection of me
holding on to a dream
we are wild
reckless
young
and free
my love for you will forever be strong
you make me content
there's no place id rather be
but in your arms
caress me
kiss me
love me gently
and roughly
whisper little nothings in my ear
your smile sparks a flame in my heart
paper dolls
you and me
meant to be
I love you
no one else id rather be with
no one else id rather call mine

the lights of a cop car gave me hope
I wanted them to take me away
from the pain
and tears
home was no longer home
it was a prison
mom and dad were guards
dad did nasty things to me
I kept silent
mama threw things
and slammed me against cupboards
she was unaware of dads behaviors
I blamed my body
if only I was unhealthy
sloppily so...
then maybe he would have left me alone
mama hated me
I saw it in her eyes
before she erupted and came down on me
but there was always a calmness before the storm
bipolar
it seemed
laughter and praise
rarely so
but still there
sometimes I wish I knew my real parents
but they weren't much better
******* lovers
I knew though
if I waited my sentence I'd be out free
one day
someday
I'd run free
I survived
I endured
and now I'm free

My whole adolescence I had hope
But all my prayers went unanswered
All my dreams faded
Black and white
Forgotten
My childhood wasn’t an art piece
It was broken crayons on my school desk
It was fear
Hatred
Love
Tears
Blood
I had no idea what normal was
Chaotic coincidences made up my memories
Memories
They burn like having a cigarette put out on your tongue
Terrible brain connections
I hate my memories
I wish I could forget
Wake up from the nightmare of
Begging to be recognized
For forgiveness
I needed you
Needed somebody to see that I was hurting bad
But you were just like the rest
Blind of the truth
Believed the fabricated stories
Trust
It’s a word with a bitter taste
You have it, then lose it within a matter of seconds
1 second...trust is gained
2 seconds...it’s gone
Snap of a finger
Blink of an eye
My dear friend
I love you like there’s no tomorrow
I adore you
All your perfect imperfections
But love is never an easy emotion
Loving is really a bipolar feeling
Happy one second
Hateful the next
Crying one minute
Laughing the next  
But my friend let me tell you
One little secret
I’ve been thru hell and back
But that little thing called hope
It still keeps me going

you are the ocean waves
my midnight dreams
my depressed thoughts
a shade of blue
out of all the various hues
you are my lovers eyes
the calm night sky
you are my love letters
and heartbreaking tears
my inspiration to be who I am
and you are only but a color
a shade of blue
out of a thousand other colors
to choose
and yet over and over
i chose you
my sweet cerulean blue

Hello to nights
Where all control is lost
Where your mind
Is repeatedly in a reverie

Hello to nights
On rooftops
With bottles of Jack Daniel’s
All lined up
And cigarettes lit up

Hello to evenings of vertigo feelings
Because we are so high up
That looking down makes us sick.

Hello to atramentous hued eyes
Opening wide and trying to focus


Goodnight to fervent nights
Filled with lust and passion
For a person who you
Won’t remember spending any time
With tomorrow

I won't get out of bed.
I don’t want to cry.
I’m tired of being a victim of their jokes,
and their boorish behavior.
I’d rather lay here.
I’ll pretend I’m sick.
I’ll make up anything just to stay in bed.
I’d rather cry in secret.
My arms are already covered with pain.
Pain I’ve shown through cuts.
I think they will turn into scars soon.
I’ve ran out of long sleeve shirts.
It’s too warm for a jacket since it’s almost summer.
Therefore, I won't get out of bed.
Without me there, what will they do?
I want to be anchored  to my bed.
I don’t want to drift away from it.
I know that my bed has become my habitue,
but i don’t care.
I won't get out of bed.
I’m tired of their jokes.

Pieces of my heart
Scattered on the floor
Like my ***** laundry
Trying to pick them up
Put it back together
My hands shaking
Fear spreading in my veins
I can feel your presence over me
Like a dark cloud hanging above
in foggy forecast
If i make the wrong move
I know your arm will swing
I say the wrong thing I know
You will black out

I cannot have a repeat of last night
Choked down
Punched
Told that I am ugly
Bruised
I hate you for that

If I wasn’t so soft
I could pick myself up
Hurt you too
Cause the same pain
And fear you have filled my body with

I cannot have a repeat of my childhood
Maybe I shouldn’t have told you
What my mother did
I went through too much to go through it again
I see the same hatred and anger in your eyes as hers

I love you
As much as I hate you
50/50
Love the way you kiss me
Hold me
Caress me
Hate the way you hit me
Choke me
Belittle me

I know as long as I stay calm
Sit right here everything will be alright
There’s always a calmness before a storm
I’m praying
Because I cannot have a repeat of last night
I cannot relive my past
I got to piece my heart back together
And get up

you are the ocean waves
my midnight dreams
my depressed thoughts
a shade of blue
out of all the various hues
you are my lovers eyes
the calm night sky
you are my love letters
and heartbreaking tears
my inspiration to be who I am
and you are only but a color
a shade of blue
out of a thousand other colors
to choose
and yet over and over
i chose you
my sweet cerulean blue

I lived my early childhood and adolescent years,
dreaming.
Musing about how when I grew older,
I would accomplish anything and everything.
I was so giddy about living in this perfect world,
that all the imperfections flew right by.
Because in those fantasmal dreams of mine,
I saw bright swirls of colors.
Hues of green and blue.
shades of yellow and colors like cerise, pink, and orange.
They danced around me.
They stirred inside me in a halycon manner.
Bubbling up so effervescently
like soda pop tickling the back of my throat
Nothing could break me away from your high spirits.
That was until I turned a little older and received a soupcon of reality.
And for the first time I felt...lost.
Confusion began to nibble away at me and I became afraid.
Because one by one my dreams slipped away; out of my reach--my grasp.
And all the imperfections in this world that had once flew right by me--now hit me in the heart.
And I had no choice but to face it.
I wouldn’t be able to fantasize any longer.
Like I wanted to.
Because reality had arrived at my doorstep.
And as I watched my amazing dreams fade away,
Ashes began piling up in the back of my throat,
And  dark clouds of gray and black suffocated me.
I wanted to escape it all,
Maybe go back to the utopian like fantasy I had built in my head,
That was far better off than reality at the moment.
Because this moment was all too surreal
The navy currents swept me under and carried me away,
and these became the tints of my broken dreams.

Sometimes when I’m sad, I think of you.
And when I’m lonely, I imagine you sitting down next to me.
When I get scared, I pretend you’re here protecting me.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of pretending and living in a fairy tale.
I’m sick of wanting someone I know I can’t have.
Yet when I look up at the stars I ask God;
“Why is loving someone so difficult?”
And I swear I hear his voice answer back,
“Because love comes at a price. A price some people can’t afford, a commitment some can’t make, a heart you wish to not break, but true love does exist.”
So here I sit now sad, lonely, and scared—pretending you are here.
And I know this is a part of my fairy tale.
And I know it might not end anytime soon.
Maybe that’s a good thing—maybe I feel that just wishing you were here is the best thing to do.
For now until you are here

When you look up at night,
do you stare at the stars and whisper my name?
Hoping that somewhere along the way,
the wind will carry your voice to me.
Me, who may quite possibly be gazing at the same set of stars as you.
Throughout your day, when you are all by yourself,
does my name enter your thoughts?
Do the words I shared with you spark any reactions inside you still?
Or have you already forgotten me?
Please, I beg you… forget me not,
forget me not.
For I have not had the heart to forget about you.
You enter my thoughts, and your face is forever etched in my mind and soul.
You still have my heart, and so I ask,
forget me not?
You made me laugh, blush, and smile,
and you made me cry.
Yet, I keep telling myself not to let you go.
In case one day you re-enter my life.
Shall you still have my heart,
I trust you with it--yes, I still have faith in you.
If I’m right,
if you do whisper my name to the constellations,
if my name clouds your brain,
then you have received my one hundred forget-me-nots.
And you’ve given me a reason to laugh, blush, and smile.
All over again.
Although if you have not, then you have given me a reason to hope that one day,
we will see each other again and start over.
Until that day comes, please, I ask you over and over, one hundred times…
forget me not?

purple thoughts

pool over in my mind

like bruises blossoming

on my thighs


hands so soft and intricate

as they wrapped around my neck

choking my exhale


whispered i love yous

that fall to the ground

i wanted to catch them

i wanted to believe them

from those soft lips that kissed me

but also spoke those bitter lies


purple thoughts

of depression

self hatred

anger

blaming myself instead of you


purple always was my favorite color

mama’s too

but it never suited my thighs

nor thoughts

you are faded
black and white movies
smeared on a canvas of ashes
completely gone
in the back of my mind

I keep thinking

We are no longer prisoners

Bound and manacled together

Pulverized by the thought

That we could one day be freed


I was always the alibi

You led and i followed

Always one step behind

Was i too vulnerable?

Perhaps

But now the ad naseam has resurfaced

When i think about what happened

She didn’t deserve it

What we did to her


Only still to this day i don’t see

Much shame in your eyes

They seem jovial

My brain a kaleidoscope

Of gray and black thoughts

You know exactly what i know

That we will never be freed


We are still prisoners

Shackled and caged like untamed animals

hold me gently
tell me your lies and smile
and me so naïve
but ready for it

These are the poems
I carry with me
I keep them tucked away
From watchful eyes
And curious minds
They pour out from the heart
And spill onto the page
I haven’t been able
To keep them contained
And the poems I carry
Are the ones I have carried
And always will
Until the moment in which
All has rested
All is pure
And all has been forgotten

up the cement stairs
to an old abandoned building surrounded
with scattered shards of glass
this is where you kissed me

i wanted to believe that the glass
was actually crystals
the pretty kind that your mother
tells you not to pick up
at the high end retail stores

our own private resort
our romantic getaway for two
far far away
and you smelled like sugar and spice
two things i love

so i became scared
scared i was actually becoming
somewhat interested
all i kept thinking was
i better keep my mouth shut
i better not tell him
so instead i told myself
“this is the place where the edges blur
and all I see are the stars with you
this is where I belong”
no matter how many times I said it though
i knew the one thing
i knew for sure was that
that was a lie.

and eventually before the sun went down that evening
before the temperature dropped and cold would cling to your face
it would cling to your heart first in the form of a goodbye from my lips
and that it would always be over before it really began
And that once i started walking away

i would never turn back to see
if you crying
or frowning
if i had truly broken you in anyway
or if i were just another hookup gone terribly wrong

It is not the anticipation of a first kiss from you,
Nor is it the idea of your hands,
fluttering like butterflies around me,
Only to land on layers of linen and then to rise again.
These are not the things I want from you, at least not right away.
When I try to grasp the concept of one day meeting you,
I blush at the thought of seeing your smile.
And to hear a voice that in this moment I am deaf to.
I want to laugh,
so that I can cry.
Not because I’m melancholy,
But because in that second I’ll realize my wish,
though not a big one,
twinkled so brightly above that not even God himself denied seeing it.
I’ll weep because never,
Not ever have I been party to something so beautiful,
Like two souls patiently waiting to find their way toward one another.
The light at the end of my tunnel shines for you and only you.
There is so much that we do not know.
Are we too naive?
Or too vulnerable?
I only know that there are missing pieces to our puzzle,
Yet I know, that the time will come when we are able to see one another.
And now i must do what is the most difficult;
That is to wait…
Wait for you
Waiting for me.

you chose me
use me
abuse me
physically
verbally
mentally
misuse me
you said you loved me
and then you threw me out
i am no china doll to you
only simply
a rag doll

Second Chances
           Are
The dandelion seeds
Blowing wildly
In the spring breeze
They fly far
         Far
         Away
And land by
The feet of a young
         Girl
Who steps on them
In other words
They don’t exist for long

I'm still trying to learn
learn how to deal with heartbreaks
being happy
not falling for someone too quickly
who I am

but I'm still lost
depressed
struggling with my emotions

I'm so tired of "having a model's body"
"perfect smile"
"gorgeous lips"
I don't want any of it no more
I don't want the attention any longer

so please stop staring at me
I'm too busy learning about who I am
to want to engage with you

go ahead take a picture
I'll play model
and smile
that perfect smile
but inside I'm dying

one day
his lips
will stain
I love you
all over
my thighs
creating a map
of new territory
just discovered
that was
once uncharted

all I want
is to be loved
to be understood
to be wanted
by someone
to have a person
love me for me
who won't try
to control me
maybe that's
asking too
much
because I've never
had that from
anyone before

You treated me wrong

Like i didn’t belong

I was longer shiny and new

To you

I had no clue

As to whether

You still loved me

My mind was in a clouded gray fog

It was hard to get out of the smog

Of wicked lies

And outrageous cries because


You chose me

Then used me

Abused me

Physically

Verbally

Mentally misused me

You said you loved me

And then you threw me out

I was no china doll to you

Only simply

A rag doll


I am tall

But i felt so small

In your presence

It seemed I was nonexistent

Why did you treat me so different?


But at least now i know

That when you touch me i no longer glow

When i used to feel strong

And like i belonged

You knocked me down

And when i rose back up

You shoved me twice as hard against the wall

You made me feel so small

But i know i am tall

I know i am stronger

I know you are no longer

The person i once wanted

Though I am haunted by

Your wicked lies

Your ****** fists

And my outrageous cries