Wrong timing
It ruins
Everything
Why couldn't it be a few months later?
Why
Why
Why

Sitting here
Where your body lies
Your heart deafened
Your life gone by

As the birds chirp
And life chatters away
I hear you
Loud and clear on this day

Your life beckons
Full
And dear

I miss you Ouma
My partner in crime
My maat
My beste vriend

Ek mis ons gesprekke
In Afrikaans
Ek mis jou lag
Jou Rooi rosige wange
Jy

En Ek sit hier
Sonder jou

I haven't felt myself since you've been gone
I've been empty
Waiting
For someone to help this yearning
This longing in my heart

I sit beside your grave
Tears clenched in my eyes
Holding back my own life

I miss you Ouma
I miss you so
And forever I will be empty
Without you
As I am
Yearning
For you so.

And you wrote...
You wrote about something...

If you are out there!

If you see this

Because I see you
I see YOU
And I can never stop loving you

Tell me now
Tell me
Scream out to me

Because I miss you

You engulfed me
Inside you
In your effervescent heart

You think you're better at life than me
Because you dance with flames
While I caress the steaming coals' weary backs

You think you're stronger than me
Because you unleash your inner wild man
While I sit back and allow my inner peace to overwhelm my senses and take me to place of 'zen'

You think you are wilder Than me
Because you roar out into the mysterious valleys, yelling all your troubles
While I whisper in the forests to the wonders of the whimsical world

You think you're braver than me
Because you can race to the top of the mountain to yell your name
While I stand back and watch you with idle eyes and Palms shaking with angst

You think you are better than me
Because you're confident and you have the guts to speak to who you love without an ounce of fear
Yet I, I allow my voice to shake and tremble when I speak with conviction to the one I love

You think because you smile at the world with that facade of a smile, they like you
Yet I grin at times of sincerity to my dear one I love and My heart swells with heat at This love

You think saying I love you means that you actually do
You say it to cover your actions and slip ups
While I say it in a tender gaze and favors for the one I adore

Oh
You were disillusioned
For I am not as brave as you
As loud as you
Nor as wild as you

You are the demon within every liar.
You are the raging fire within every arrogant man.
You are the burning desire within his lustful approach to love
You are the deadliest sin
You are confident and undeniably blasé about the blade you cut into every man

You are a burning sensation
A desire
Lust
And words of nothingness

You are everything he was.

You are his darkness within.

You made me a victim
You allowed me to
Stop believing in love
When you kissed my lips with no passion
With her lips there before mine...
You made me beg
You made me plead
And you made me think that everything was my fault
That I was the cause for our downfall
That I was the reason we broke
Yet you
You with your hazel eyes
You caused our death
You kissed her lips
And took away my trust in love
How can I love again after you
You disgusting, immature piece of manure
I hate you
You
You are dead to me.

What I adore is your humanity
Your ability to embrace life
With shameless guilt
And profanity
And great cuss words as they spew from your lips
I love your path to sanity which involves indulging in the insane
You are my human
And I adore your human lust.

I don't think you understand
The extent to which you've damaged me
How insecure you've made me
This monster you've created
So afraid

You created this beast in me
And you left

I salute you
You few
Who have the ability to follow your passions...
You few
Who do the dream
Who don't live morbid lives
You few...
The artists, painters, writers, musicians
You few
Who are allowed to touch
To feel
To embrace
Your dream
And I thought I could be her...
I have lost her...
And I miss her dearly

She had a dream.
A dream so big with a passion so on fire
She spoke of it proudly
She never gave a ****...
But then came along
The words
The persuasions
The sadists who told you no

However, as I sit here
I salute you
You few
Who are brave
Who achieve the dream
Who write for life
And do it with all your being
Please pray for me.
Please, I beg
I plead to you

Pray that I
may find
her
again...
And I may be
one of you...
You few.

I dreamt of you again
But this time,
she was there
And you were happy
You looked different
But happy, yet not

I resent you
And your little tale
This sweet little lie you've portrayed for yourself
That you enjoy it with her

I don't want you to be happy
I don't want you to go on without me
I'm sick of feeling angry
I haven't felt angry for so long
But seeing you with her
Oh God, that kills me

Seeing you with the woman...
Girl...
I have many other names for her in my head
But unfortunately they're a bit too vile
The woman you slept with while I was trying my best satisfy you

Was it because I didn't give in
Is it because I said no?
Did she satisfy you more than I could ever try in my wildest dreams

Is there something wrong with me

You did love me though didn't you?
Not for long
But surely in the beginning...
Was she there all along or was it only towards the end
I tried my best
I truly did

I know you loved me
For a while at least

O God
I am Your daughter
I am Your Bride
Dancing before you in the throne room
Pure as snow
White
Shielded by Your Love
O Mighty God
I'm healing
I surrender my heart to you
I surrender my passions to you
I am Yours
O Jesus
I want to dance in your light again
I want to dance and praise You in Your Throne Room
I want to sit at Your feet
O God
Mercy me
For you were made to be praised
Reverence to You o God
For You give a peace greater than any other
You shield my heart
O God
Forgive me
I am Your Daughter
And You,
You have made me pure again
I am covered by Your Mighty Blood
O God
You are healing me
Ever so slowly
Yet I am patient with Your Pace
o God
Be my centre
And dwell In me forever
Amen

He's so afraid
So afraid of me running back to you
If he only he knew
I've been in a rainstorm
I've been soaked by the pouring

You're my bridge
I like to be dry
I like to be safe
There's no way I'd go back
Into the rain
After finding
My home

Who knew a person
who promised
to love you...
Who promised
not be like him...

Could become
your worst nightmare

I remember the look in your hazel eyes
You had nothing left to give me
Your jaw was tight
And your eyes were fierce
You had given up inside
Ready to let go of me
Sick of me
And my **** tears
My moods
Everything that irritates you beyond yourself...
I remember your hazel eyes
On the brink of giving up on us.

Your Jacket is red
It is the perfect substitute for your arms wrapped around my waist... Around me...
You envelop me in warmth and love, my dear
You are the man of my heart
However, this is a poem of recognition of another who owns my heart
There is a sanctuary built for Him as he lives in my heart peacefully
He walks beside me each day and He guides me to be like Him
He covers me in a jacket too...
A red jacket coated in His Blood
He has given me perfect freedom and perfect peace
He has loved me from the beginning of my life
As I was a child beckoned from her sleep
Awakened by the sound of this new day, This new life made to worship you
Jesus, there is a sacred sanctuary for you in my heart
Please dwell inside of me
And do not allow me to forget
The Jacket coated in Blood that you poured on my soul
You have set me free
May my heart never put another before You
My True Prince in Heaven
The Lover of my soul
I worship and praise your Holy Name
Jesus, Jesus,
Dwell in me forever.

I think of the letters
You wrote to New York
Of the women you gazed upon
And how you wished for them to be yours
How you wrote of leaving me
Forever
The things you'd say to me...
How you constantly broke me down
How you made me cry weekly
How unhappy you made me
How scared I was of our future together one day
I was afraid of you
Afraid of your hand to my cheek
Of you love of alcohol
I was so afraid of you
So under your control
you said I was controlling
Yet you have no idea
How you ruled over me
How afraid I was
Of your moods
Of your words...
I don't want to see you, Elizabeth.
You *****
You manipulative girl
Selfish
Immature
Girl
Gosh I hated when you'd call me a girl
Derogatory
You broke me
You made me your little slave
I hate you
I worshipped you
And you gave me nothing in return
But lies and empty promises
And a broken heart
Afraid to love again

Today was a good day
And I was not forgotten
I was filled with zeal and a gladness that will not suspend
I will burst out in a fit of laughter
With tears in my eyes and
A heart made of sighs
Relaxing sighs
Today was something I enjoy
A light hearted day that felt like
Grade nine
We spoke of truths untold and of silly glamorous ideas
We laughed until our lungs had burst and we wheezed in a glorious spirit
We breathed in the air of life and enjoyed every moment fully
Today is a day I wish all were like
No stress in the world
Not a pyre that destroys our sweet innocence and bursts of joy
I seek to live in a furnace where I may indulge in my youth
I seek to have memorable times
That will never be forgotten
I seek to stay this young
Or perhaps to just indulge
And find my last youthful days sufficient enough
Before the years of trials to come
Where life is one big conundrum
For now, I will drink from my fountain of youth
And ooze with a spirit of fresh renewal and rejuvenation
I will feel alive while I still can
I will never allow man to make me numb
For I will not succumb to his daft requests
To show a dreary pretense of adult behavior
And maturity
No, I choose to enjoy my youth
And ooze a facade of confidence from within
For I am young
And this is my last year of it
And I will
Indulge in this spirit.

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

You still torment me sometimes
You with your wry smile
And demon eyes...
Mouth of tales...
Man I despise
You keep me up
And you gnaw at my being
O God
Can't he just leave my mind?
Can he vanish?
And can the thirst I have
To see him one last **** time
Be quenched
Be put to rest
I don't need to see him
I scream
What is he doing
Is he okay
Is he with her
Questions run through my mind
God, i don't miss him
Not at all
But he was part of me for so long
He has a hold on me
I cling to him
At night when I have nothing else
He was my first
My first love
First kiss
First betrayal
First liar
First cheat
First heartbreak
First man to steal my innocence
And run
With no mercy
No shame
No regret
You have a hold on me
And you broke me
Broke me down
And cut me deeper
These wounds
They stay
And the pound
They've numbed
But every now and again
They burn like hell
And tonight it was one
Of those hell nights
Burn baby burn
I hate you
I truly do
Let go of me