I didn't cry for two years,
Because I refused to let myself feel.
I promised that I would save my tears
for something that deemed my emotions real.

It was a method that helped me get by -
Not questioning why certain things felt so heavy to carry,
I never let myself feel the urge to cry,
Because the thought that I may never stop was an idea too scary.

And then I saw you
and I didn't know if anything would feel worse,
than the way you said my name
Or how your eyebrows raise when you curse.

You messed up my two year streak.
You interfered with my way of living.
And now I always let the water leak
from my eyes until my emotions are swimming.

So I'm sick of writing poems about you,
and I hate that you made me cry.
These are my last lines for you,
this is me saying goodbye.

his fingers dance across
my shoulder blades and down
my arm until they reach my
hands, where they trace patterns
on my palm

you're safe with me, i
swear, he says

                             and i believe him

i learned that sounds
travel faster through solids
than air, so press
your mouth to my skin,
tell me stories of the places
you were scared to have
been, i'll try my best to
understand, and with all that i am,
i will listen

your mind is a forest, and i
want to carve my initials
onto every tree

I knew from that moment on
every word and every phrase and every sentence
thought up in my head and emitted from my fingers
would turn into cadaverous dead bodies
that would turn into silhouetted skeletons
that would turn into fine powder blowing in the wind
that would disappear into a deep and dark abyss
deeper than any abandoned tire in an old forest
and darker than the pupils of my eyes
I knew I would be forever forgotten

I don't know much,
but I can tell you what "whole" looks like.
I've seen it stumble forward
with weary eyes and tired hands.
Come close,
I will hand you a mirror
and tell you to look carefully.
Can you not hear the galaxies
beneath your skin?
They paint in whispers
that even oceans cannot grasp.
I know it took a hurricane and two floods,
but there is soil in your ribcage;
your scars told me so.
Don't mind them though,
they're just reminders
that you love harder than anyone else.
I know you might feel hollow,
but there is a reason your heart
has lofted ceilings.
Never forget how you fought
for all that space.
Look carefully.
These gray skies inside your lungs
are simply a canvas,
and you rain so beautifully.
Oh darling,
you rain so beautifully.

i.
no matter what your teachers
may tell you, your grades are not a
measure of how smart you are, that
has more to do with how you handle your
heart, and i have never seen anyone love
more fiercely or smart than you.  

ii.
i have let boys touch me just because
i was scared to lose them; don't let them
lay a hand on you without you asking
them to, you are worth more than that.

iii.
people will walk away, but you've known
that already.  keep your chin up so that when
they turn back one last time, they know that
you don't need them.
you don't need them.

iv.
i hope you find somebody that holds your
hands, even when you're nervous and
they start to sweat.  if they pull away,
you come find me and i swear,
i won't let go.

when i was ten i believed kissing was
only between two people deliriously in love.
when i was fifteen, i believed holding hands would
only make me throw up, and when a boy wanted to watch
you watch him play video games, it was considered
romantic.

do puppies fall in love? for my ears are floppy
for you and my tail hasn’t stopped wagging since
november.
if i could be your jellyfish i’d hover between your
bones, tangling my tentacles through your
mane, stinging you with limp
currents.

i’m wishy and washy, crawling through
tie-dye dreams and licking clean pasta
bowls. i always thought second best was
enough, and when i was eighteen bruises were
proof. ideas were stuck in my brain cells. i bit my lips
until dead skin cells tasted like ketchup.

i’m creeping through your marrows,
gnawing, gnawing, gnawing.
******* until my tongue is lead,
aching for your teeth tearing through
my flesh,

i could be your jellyfish. you told me about one that lives
forever.
i’ll keep floating, if you keep
watching.