I will never stop
looking over my shoulder
for you.

I will never stop
wondering whether I look
in desperate hope
or fear.

I will never stop
hungering for your electricity
or loving you
just as

I will never stop
being afraid
of lightning.

If I have silent walls
Beautifully and meticulously painted
With my words
Then my family
Is a city coated
In pretty, lying murals
Uninhabited
Only under close scrutiny
By one who knows it well.

I am alone
but for once
I don't want to be.

After all this
time I spent
pushing you away

I don't know how
to ask you
to come back.

I am choking
on the heaviness of the air,
the metallic taste of this storm
building, and I can sense it getting closer
electricity humming under my skin
and I know that it will break
and the voices in my head will do battle
with the voices of the dead and gone, carried on the wind,
and the waves will batter and drown my body
drag it down to the blissful, lightless silence,
and the wind will whip my branches
back and forth, bending, close to breaking
and I'll tumble though the stormy air
a leaf torn away from its tree
beyond control, uncatchable, dancing a frantic dance
but not really dancing, no,
swept along by the elements,
a marionette with its strings ****** by an epileptic puppetmaster,
tugging, pulling, tearing apart,
in pieces swirling, slowing, falling, landing
scattered over the ground in tiny scraps,
dispersing, fading away,
gone.

When every sound
seems to pound
in my ears,

when music is noise
and the sound of my voice
is my fear

then I choke on my breath
and I beg for my death
and I flee

to some silent place
where there's nothing to face
except me,

alone in my head
alone with the dread
of what I

will hear in my mind
what I can't leave behind
till I die.

So there's nowhere to run
but I need to be done
with this life.

I have one escape planned
all I need is one hand
and one knife.

I sit here, at the edge of my bed
Stooped over my feet for these long minutes
As I make butterfly knots of the laces
Pulling loops, in and out
Dust rises as the cords relearn their ductility
My tugging leaves friction burns on my hands

My combat boots have missed my feet
I wish the same could be said in reverse
But though I luxuriate in the sheer strength of them
Their weight does not lend my legs vitality
For they do not belong to me
My combat boots are yours

I rise and take my first step
The heavy sound makes me turn my head in search
Though I know I will not find you
As I find my stride, my feet swing easier
And I feel the impact against my ribs
Where once combat boots had broken them

I walk on, meeting soldiers on the way
I see their boots dragging them onward, downward
You are calling them to you
My feet pull me towards the chasm
And death, where you await me
Your smile a broken promise of forever

I yearn to break into a run
I know not which direction; escape or reunion
But still my boots weigh on my steps
And I cannot fly, for flying is escape
If I wanted to flee from you
I would not be wearing combat boots

I write of voices in my head
You think that is a metaphor
I say I live in constant dread
You see that as a point to score

I think the difference between art
And truth that I must try to bear
Is that one swells to hold my heart
The other, rigid, traps it there

You want to know who I am?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you're not just asking the question to make me ask it of myself?
If you are, allow me to inform you - I already have.
If my answer scares you - good. Run like hell.

Who am I? I am insane.
Crazy, mad, lunatic
Frenzied, demented, deranged
Psychotic
Psychopathic

I am the best liar you will ever meet.
You will not observe my madness.

I was not always this way.
I have been broken into these jagged shards of reason,
disconnected from each other and reality.

I have felt human bones break under my hands, and I liked it.
I have felt human bones break under my hands, and now
that feeling is etched permanently in my brain by the nightmares.

Though I seek my refuge in silence and darkness,
I cannot sleep without screaming.
I am a creature of the night,
though night is the harbinger of my agony.

I am made of contradictions.
My identity shifts from second to second,
dancing to a frantic beat only I can hear.

I am incapable of controlling my own mind
so I have built a wall around it.
You are not allowed inside,
for there lies my macabre domain.
Dangerous
Deadly

My every action is a double-ended knife
piercing me as I stab another.

My only desire is to cause no more pain.
In this I will fail. I have failed. I am failing right now.
My failure slices into my flesh and that of any who approaches.

I wish I could prevent you from approaching.
I wish I wanted to.
But I am too weak to win this battle with myself.

I am insane.
I climb as high as I possibly can
before I prepare to launch myself from that height.
I do this because falling is my only chance of flying
until I hit the bottom and escape into oblivion.
Do not look for me.
I am already going to jump.
Do you want me to pull you down with me?