I'm standing naked in the shower and
blood is running down my legs and
the tiles are cold under my feet and
I start shivering harder and
I just want to crawl into my bed and
I won't because I don't want to leave bloodstains on the white sheets and
this is so familiar, like I've come full circle and
there was never anyway this could be avoided and
the burningstingingscreaming of my nerves reaches a crescendo and
it hurts so much and
it's all my fault and
I don't care and
I'm shuddering so forcefully I feel like my muscles will tear and
I look up at the mirror and
I see all the places where the redness of inflammation blooms upon my skin  and
there are so many they mask the cuts and
all I can see is the red and
my vision goes blurry and
my knees hit the freezing tiles of the bathroom floor and
I don't feel it, I don't feel anything and
I don't remember how to make my brain send signals to my muscles and
it's one a.m. and
I somehow have to stand up and
go to bed and
get up tomorrow.

I don't know
what I have left to say
anymore. I
have asked and
I have reasoned and I have
begged you to stay
away from me, keep
out of my head,
out of my place,
for it is mine
(though it is where I die)
and I have not granted you
permission to enter.
I am angry and I
desperate and I am
terrified. I am down
on my knees before you
(you, who never
wanted to see me this way
ever again) and
my hands are claws
grasping at you, frantically trying
to make you see
why I want you
far away from me and
I am throwing myself
down at your feet.
When I look up, I see you
as my enemy
and I scream
and I scramble up off the ground
as my teeth bare into a snarl, as
my hands curl into fists and rise
of their own volition.
In that moment, I fear
neither death
nor you.
In that moment, I fear
myself, for this
is what you
(you, who never wanted
to hurt me, who only ever wanted
for me to love myself
as you love me)
have made me -
a beast. I am
terrified and I
am desperate and
I am distraught. See
what you have done to me.
This is not love, this
is poison, this
is madness. And now
I will not make this mistake
again. The gate
will no longer open
for you, because I
cannot force you
to leave when I
need this place,
any place,
to call mine. You stand
here, above me, and
your eyes and your
shoulders and
your feet shout
"I love you" and
your love is a gunshot.
The bullet enters
my chest and I
crumple, unable
to fight against you
any longer. This
is the only way you
can be allowed to stay -
over my dead body.

Dear world,

No, I will not be functional this week.
No, I will not tell you why.
No, I do not expect you to cut me any breaks -
    what I'm pulling right now is not actually acceptable.
No, I do not want you to go looking for a reason -
    assume there are no extenuating circumstances
    and stop being surprised that someone is doing
    what you you seem to expect of everyone
    and taking your **** in silence.
No, I am not okay.
No, I do not want or need your help.

Now, *******.

Sincerely,
Me