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Elfinmox May 2013
There is this thing
that comes
in the night.
It grabs a hold
of me
holds tight
won't let me go...
It's cold
hateful
It hates me.
It tells me why.
It tells me how.
I am so afraid.
How can I not be?
When there is nothing but this
thing
in the darkness
in the night
I'm alone
all alone
and cold,
shaking,
cold from the inside out
from the thing that has a hold of me
What is it?
What is it called?
What is it's name?
It doesn't tell me..
It fills me with fear,
terror,
It holds me captive,
I cannot escape.

I am always alone when it comes.
Always helpless against it.
It comes when I least expect it.
When I have almost forgotten,
pushed the memories away
I though I was protected.
I thought it was gone.
Forever.
But,
I was,
wrong.
So,
So,
WRONG.

And then it came.
Alone this time,
after so long, it had lost the power to bring others
It brought the fear,
it brought the ice
the loneliness.
I lay,
curled alone on the bed,
helpless.
Unable to speak,
unable to move,
barely able to breath.

'Why? Why now? Please, please not here. Not now.'
I pleaded, knowing my cries fell on sadistic ears,
that reveled in my pain.
It didn't matter.
I didn't matter.
Nothing mattered.
Just like
All
the times
Before.
Elfinmox May 2013
“You are Beautiful”
“You are Gorgeous”
“You are so sweet”
“Why do you do so many nice things for me?”
“I will never leave you”
“I’m here”
“I’ll do anything for you”
“I’ve got you”
“I’ll protect you”
“I do want to talk to you”
“You are interesting to me”
“You are amazing”
“I can’t stop thinking about you”
“I think about you constantly”
“I am so horribly, invariably, unmistably in love with you that it hurts.”
“You are my angel”
“I want to belong to you”
“You always find ways to remind me why I love you”
“You are my soul”
“I wouldn’t be who I am without you”
“I would be dead without you”
“I like doing things for you”
“I hate  it that you’re never okay. I want to fix it.”
“I want to do more”
“You say things to me that no one has ever said before”
“No one has ever cared about me as much as you do”
“I’m proud of you”
“You’re so beautiful”
“Why are you so small?”
“How are you so beautiful?”
“I don’t believe angels exist. But you are my angel.”
“I want to belong to you until I am nothing but ashes.”
“I love you. So much...”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”


                                                                                                                                               I love you too.
Dad
Elfinmox Jun 2013
Dad
Honestly
I can't sleep
Haven't slept for weeks,
Not because of you,
Or maybe,
Not entirely.
Not this time.

See, the problem is,
I'm so stressed out
Over nothing much
Just school.
Which is really just dumb.
What's school anyway?
Why am I stressed over it?

Just because it's such a huge deal to you?
Just because it's how you measure my value to you?
Is that why?

Because I seriously can't sleep
I'm freaked the **** out
I have this giant twisted contorted ball of nervous energy inside me
I don't know how to get rid of it.

It's so rarely I care enough about anything to get this stressed over it.
What is different this year?
Is it just everything all at once?

Our relationship slowly dying while you seem to be oblivious
My depression getting worse instead of better because
I can't measure up!
To you.
All the pressure on me...
Grades.
Depression.
Getting better. (As if it's that easy)
Being "respectful". (As if I know what that includes)

I feel like you don't even like me anymore.
I feel like I've failed so horribly I can never make it right.
I feel like you expect me to be someone I don't know how to be.
I feel like I can never be respectful enough, smart enough, responsible enough for you to like me.
I feel like you aren't there for me.
I feel like you don't understand me and don't want to.
I feel like you expect me to try and understand you, and then everything will be fine.

(As if I don't have needs too. As if I don't matter. As if you are all that matters. As if you really don't care about me, but only yourself and your wants and needs.)

I feel like you have no emotions except for anger and that's why you can't understand me. (Not that you try)
I feel like I can't trust you.
But most of all I feel like I can't tell you any of this.

Because you won't understand.
Because you wont' care.
Because you won't try.
Because you will only see it through your lense and your eyes and not mine.
Because you will say "that's not true" and "you're living a lie" and "you get something stuck in your mind and you hold on to it and don't listen to what I'm saying..."

But you don't listen to me! You don't see me! You don't understand me!

And I know it's selfish of me to want you to understand...
I know it's self-centered of me to not try harder to understand you...
I know I should spend more time trying to fix how I relate to you than I do trying to get you to understand me...
I know the way I only take care of myself drives you crazy...
I know I should be more selfless, more caring, more understanding, more open minded, more respectful...
I know I'm too selfish.
I know I'm a trouble maker.
I know all I do is cause problems.
I know you wish I was someone else.

The thing is,
I wish I was someone else too.

Even though
Everyone else
Except you (of course)
Even my brothers

Tell me all the time
How
Beautiful
Caring
Supportive
Sweet
Thoughtful
Nice
Funny
Lovi­ng
Good friend
Good listener
Good person
Wonderful person
Great writer

I am.

Even my therapists.
Even my teachers.
Even Mom. (though she only means it sometimes)

And the thing I just don't understand.
Is how.
You could think I'm such a terrible person,
When,
Everyone else around me
Thinks the opposite.

I don't know who to believe.
Am I good?
Am I who you say I am?
Am I really a wonderful person?
Because the stuff they say is true.
I do
Care about people.
Help people.
Listen to people.
Love people.
Write well.
Speak to people.
Encourage people.
Support people.

People love me.
Why don't you?
Elfinmox Aug 2013
I care too much. About people. All people. The world. I understand too much. I understand why people say the things they do and why they hurt other people so very badly and why they think the way they do. I feel compassion for others no matter what they do. I love too much and too easily and too deeply. I love the world and all of the people in it. I see it so broken and all the things wrong with our world and it HURTS. It hurts so very very badly. There is a hole in my chest that is never filled and all the hurt and hatred and senseless violence, all of the killing and dying and hurting that happens every single day, it hurts. It hurts me so much.

I feel that I have to do something, I have to show people that we are all just people. That yes your neighbor may have a different opinion, or race, or gender, or financial situation, or ****** orientation, or whatever, than you, but in the end, we are all just people.

People, with all our differences and faults and strengths and little nuances and opinions and thoughts and emotions and friends and family and lives, all the things that make us so different from everyone else and all the things that make us the same, in the end, we are all just people. We are all human. We all have thoughts of our own. Feelings of our own. Lives of our own that others may come in and out of but where we ourselves are the only constant. We are the only ones who have lived our whole lives. We are the only ones who could ever explain why we hate a certain song or food or place or group or person. We are the only ones with the memories that trigger emotions. Some that we'd rather forget. Some that we avoid like a raging bear. Others that we smile at. Others that we seek. Others that we find reasons and people to remember.

All of the complications. All of the factors. All of the thoughts and experiences and feelings and indoctrination from wherever is what makes us the way we are. All the input from different times in our lives, all the lessons we've learned, we put together into one big patchwork quilt of OUR life. And that's the way we live.

But don't you see? This is all fine and good. Except when the hate starts. Someone is outside of the box of someone's life, someone violates all the rules they've learned to live by, and then all of a sudden everything goes wrong.

People get hurt. People die. People **** themselves. One person hurts another and beats them down and drags them through the dirt and makes them believe the horrible things about themselves things they are told. Their dreams get crushed. They become broken. So broken they feel that they can never get fixed. Can never get better. All of a sudden each and every one of us is completely alone, with no one who cares enough to pull us out of the hole we've been thrown in. And there we are. Lying broken on the ground in the mud and **** and the blood, screaming our pain, but there is no one there to hear us but the empty wasteland.

Everyday it's the same. For some of us the pain never ends. For some of us it is too much to handle. Some of us give up, for we see no other way out. Why live when no one wants you there? Why stay when you are told every single day that the world would be better with you gone, and the very person of you is WRONG?

CAN'T WE SEE WHAT WE DO TO OURSELVES?! CAN'T WE SEE THE PROBLEM IS NOT WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND HOW THEY ARE, BUT WITHIN OUR OWN HEARTS AND MINDS?! WHY DON'T WE CHANGE IT! WHY DON'T WE OPEN OUR EYES! ARE WE JUST TOO APATHETIC AND CAUGHT UP IN OUR OWN ******* THAT WE JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN?!

It can all so easily be stopped. If we could stop focusing on ourselves and start to focus on other people, on the world around us, on the way we treat others, on other's rights instead of our own, don't you think the world would be a better place? Don't you think people wouldn't die in the night, bleeding out onto their bed, alone in the darkness, and have it on the news the next morning, just another teen suicide? Does anyone who sees those news reports ever cry for the young life they never knew, and now never will know? Does anyone ever wonder what their life was like, that would drive them to suicide?

We like to be blind. We like to pretend that children aren't ***** and abused every day. We like to think that kids aren't dying by the hundreds because we are too fat and lazy to care. We like to think that girls are prostitutes because they're ***** and ****** and chose that lifestyle. We like to think that the safe little bubble around us is the only thing that exists. We like to ignore the fact that six year old kids are forced to **** their own people and families in war. We like to fool ourselves into thinking that war is justified and that thought the loss of life is terrible, the end validates the means.

The world is so broken and twisted, and we are the ones who made it this way. We are the only ones who can fix it. If we could learn to love instead of hate, if we could learn to accept instead of reject, if we could learn to understand instead of judge, if we could help instead of ignore, if we could all do our best to make the whole world, and not just our world, a better place, then perhaps we would have the right to call ourselves "civilized", and "progressive".

Could we all just understand, everyone is human. Everyone is a person too.
Elfinmox May 2013
**** Everything
there’s no rhyme or reason to it
no telling for why it happens
just a sudden flash of glittering metal
and another day of pain begins
nothing to do
nothing for it
just keep on walking toward the nothing
because that’s all there is to do
The darkness surrounds me
twisting turning biting devouring
it curls into my heart and mind
never letting me go
I can’t escape
I cannot stop it
There's nothing here for me
Jump into the cold glittering night
The stars welcome me into their icy embrace
Where there is nothing to live for
And nothing to cry for
No tears here
no hurting  no pain
Just cold empty nothingness
And that’s all I really need.
Elfinmox Jun 2013
I'm
so
tired.
Exhausted
Drained
Empty
I
can't
go
on.
Stopped
Fallen
Collapsed
­I
need.
Something...
a touch
a word
maybe.... a reward
For trying.
So
So
So
Hard.
you aren't trying
To get better.
It's not enough
To be better.
To do better.
To fix some of the
Problems
I've caused.
I just
Can't
Keep going...
I've got
Nothing
Left...
To
Try
With.
I've got to
Try.
Elfinmox Jun 2013
is there any reason for this life
is there any point to this strife
what the hell are you waiting around for
can you tell me what to stand for

is anything ever gonna be alright
can i ever make anything right
what am i going to do
is there anything i can do for you

there is nothing to do today
the fear tears parts of me away
bringing to me the teeth of decay
when will i fall down and pray

there's nothing i can do for me
there's nothing that can change me
forget the idea of me
I’ll fade until there's nothing left of me

so tear everything away from this place
and build up something new to face
I’d **** for a way to win this race
but i can only chase, chase, chase

wait until there's nothing left
take until I’m all bereft
should i take the right or the left
does it matter when i have nothing left
how can it matter when i have nothing left
Elfinmox May 2013
"Eärendil was a mariner
that tarried in Arvernien;
he built a boat of timber felled
in Nimbrethil to journey in;
her sails he wove of silver fair,
of silver were her lanterns made,
her prow was fashioned like a swan,
and light upon her banners laid.

In panoply of ancient kings,
in chainéd rings he armoured him;
his shining shield was scored with runes
to ward all wounds and harm from him;
his bow was made of dragon-horn,
his arrows shorn of ebony;
of silver was his habergeon,
his scabbard of chalcedony;
his sword of steel was valiant,
of adamant his helmet tall,
an eagle-plume upon his crest,
upon his breast an emerald.

Beneath the Moon and under star
he wandered far from northern strands,
bewildered on enchanted ways
beyond the days of mortal lands.
From gnashing of the Narrow Ice
where shadow lies on frozen hills,
from nether heats and burning waste
he turned in haste, and roving still
on starless waters far astray
at last he came to Night of Naught,
and passed, and never sight he saw
of shining shore nor light he sought.
The winds of wrath came driving him,
and blindly in the foam he fled
from west to east and errandless,
unheralded he homeward sped.

There flying Elwing came to him,
and flame was in the darkness lit;
more bright than light of diamond
the fire on her carcanet.
The Silmaril she bound on him
and crowned him with the living light
and dauntless then with burning brow
he turned his prow; and in the night
from Otherworld beyond the Sea
there strong and free a storm arose,
a wind of power in Tarmenel;
by paths that seldom mortal goes
his boat it bore with biting breath
as might of death across the grey
and long forsaken seas distressed;
from east to west he passed away.

Through Evernight he back was borne
on black and roaring waves that ran
o'er leagues unlit and foundered shores
that drowned before the Days began,
until he heard on strands of pearl
where ends the world the music long,
where ever-foaming billows roll
the yellow gold and jewels wan.
He saw the Mountain silent rise
where twilight lies upon the knees
of Valinor, and Eldamar
beheld afar beyond the seas.
A wanderer escaped from night
to haven white he came at last,
to Elvenhome the green and fair
where keen the air, where pale as glass
beneath the Hill of Ilmarin
a-glimmer in a valley sheer
the lamplit towers of Tirion
are mirrored on the Shadowmere.

He tarried there from errantry,
and melodies they taught to him,
and sages old him marvels told,
and harps of gold they brought to him.
They clothed him then in elven-white,
and seven lights before him sent,
as through the Calacirian
to hidden land forlorn he went.
He came unto the timeless halls
where shining fall the countless years,
and endless reigns the Elder King
in Ilmarin on Mountain sheer;
and words unheard were spoken then
of folk and Men and Elven-kin,
beyond the world were visions showed
forbid to those that dwell therein.

A ship then new they built for him
of mithril and of elven-glass
with shining prow; no shaven oar
nor sail she bore on silver mast:
the Silmaril as lantern light
and banner bright with living flame
to gleam thereon by Elbereth
herself was set, who thither came
and wings immortal made for him,
and laid on him undying doom,
to sail the shoreless skies and come
behind the Sun and light of Moon.

From Evereven's lofty hills
where softly silver fountains fall
his wings him bore, a wandering light,
beyond the mighty Mountain Wall.
From a World's End there he turned away,
and yearned again to find afar
his home through shadows journeying,
and burning as an island star
on high above the mists he came,
a distant flame before the Sun,
a wonder ere the waking dawn
where grey the Norland waters run.

And over Middle-earth he passed
and heard at last the weeping sore
of women and of elven-maids
in Elder Days, in years of yore.
But on him mighty doom was laid,
till Moon should fade, an orbéd star
to pass, and tarry never more
on Hither Shores where Mortals are;
for ever still a herald on
an errand that should never rest
to bear his shining lamp afar,
the Flammifer of Westernesse."

~ The Fellowship of the Ring, Many Meetings
Elfinmox May 2013
Your arms and legs are strong as a grizzly bear
Your eyes reflect your loving, tender heart
To love one so broken, yes I do dare
No greater torture, for us to be apart

Being always protected by your strong arms
And wondering to be able to look after you
I am helpless against your devilish charms
Your love is deep as the great, dark ocean

Julian, your heart is mine to safely hold
Running towards your arms, open and welcoming
Your soul I protect, if I may be so bold
Our lives will be lived together, loving
Yours and mine, our hearts tethered forever
I will love you forever and ever
Elfinmox Jun 2013
I thought You of all people would
Be there.
But
I guess
I was
Wrong.
I thought you were different.
I was
Wrong.

— The End —