YOU won't understand how I feel. always being cheated of my feelings.
i was in the deepest lies i created on my own.
feelings always toyed with. because i have no mind to control it. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i only want to feel how is it like to be loved. i keep trying to tear and rip my eyes away from you. but i do not know why i'm still attracted to you. you aren't even some good looking guy. why do i like you so much? why can't i find someone of my standard?

i'm really at loss for relationship stuff. i'm so so lost. i hate you for having the power to make me like this. don't give me false hope if you're not interested in a relationship. i don't even THINK you're interested. i wished i could be honest ABOUT my feelings. but i know you won't ever like me back.

don't give me attention at ALL. please. my heart aches so so much. heart strings torn and broken, ropes wrapping my heart and neck like tree vines, restricting my thoughts and breathing. my ability to think has malfunctioned. because my heart IS back to YOU again. or to be honest, it never really left.

what do I do? constantly troubled by problems that i created myself in my head. my friends keep telling me I think too much. but how can I not think when I care? how can I not think when they mean something to me?

sometimes I feel like a lost soul, just wandering around, not knowing where is truly home. where exactly is home? have I ever had a real home in the first place?

I won't mind if those friends don't treat me as someone important. It's okay. At least tell me alright.

I never intended to give you guys any burden. like too much books on a shelf that it would give way some day. I don't want to end up in a state of breakdown like how bookshelves topple down due to too much weight.

"Knock knock, can I come in?" "Yes sure, you can"

why do you guys act like all of you don't dislike me but allow me to join you? i'm so confused. Am I making a fool of myself here? Am I a clown to all of you because you guys keep treating me like this?

I feel like I can never rank high in your list of good friends. why do I keep trying so hard. it would never help. it won't ever work.

why do I keep spending time with you in hopes to get closer to you like how close we were before?

why am I making myself unhappy at the end of the day? I felt like I would've have cried at that moment. asking a friend you've got to know through me whether that friend wanted a friendship band but not asking me.

how about me? have you forgotten about me? feeling so many hurt that I couldn't even breathe properly. the pain is indescrible. almost like so many thorns on a rose piercing right through our heart. you can't stop the pain.

so tell me, is this friendship ever worth it? will it ever be?

you're in a daze. everything around you seems to have come to a standstill. you wish life can stay at a particular time in your life forever. the clock keeps ticking. trains zoom past. birds chirping. rainfall or sunshine.

all the people around you are rushing past you. you feel them brushing arms past you, but you choose to ignore it. no, you don't want to get influenced by people around you. stop.

but not with such low energy every single day, like you just wish you could lie in bed all day.
you frantically draw circles on a piece of paper. why is it that you are unhappy with your life? you're dizzy. you wish all of this headache will stop. all the pain. you want to erase all of the pain.

you want worries and stress to go away.
dear, why don't you learn? why don't you ever learn that everything is in your hands, and you're the one who determines you own destiny?

how many sleepless nights do you want to experience to finally understand that what all you want in life is balance?

feeling like a zombie that just roams aimlessly trying to find the next target. frustration in the form that you just want to rip your own face or brain off. because you just can't do things right. you blame yourself.

it's useless. those sea waves are always stronger than you are. no matter how hard you try. maybe you're just you own enemy. maybe you're fighting against yourself.

remember how in our childhood days we would feel happiness everyday without fail? looking at pretty flowers, flying kites, playing toys, playing with friends at the playground. naivety. where life was so much more brighter, filled with hope and laughter every single day.

i would do all i can to feel like that again.
and this is why, i can't sleep all night.

Do you ever try to stop yourself from liking someone so much because you know they'll never like you back and you do not want to cause unnecessary trouble for the other party?

Even if you already know what the outcome will be, but you just can't help yourself from falling for that person?

Because I do.

At all those places you thought
you were once so familiar with,
the places you were so used to being comfortable at,
what exactly does that place remind you of?

The bad memories,
or, the good ones?

The pieces of memories that you thought you would've long since thrown away.
No, it's still there, etched in my memory.