when you realise you're no longer a try hard. you don't try hard to impress anyone,
at work
school
your friends and family
or your potential date.
some guys think too high of themselves.
they think they're irreplaceable.
or that i can't forget him or he hurt me a lot.
he's really really wrong.

i let things flow. how they wanna go.
i realised i don't sing sad songs the same anymore. i don't try as hard. and i still manage to sound good imo. but i think all the experiences i've had made me learn a lot.
and i will continue to do so.

I DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO HURT ME. even with words. and actions.

it's been... 4years since my family issue. i'm learning better to cope woth it now. i've became so much better. time heals everything, huh?

i was wrong a few years back. we can love someone new. (we are able to love someone new.)

just like how we can transit from relationship to relationship over time when dating.

i'll remember that sudden cheek kiss and the kisses on my hand and your thigh grabs and the different ways you held my hand and finger nail rubs on my palm the thumb game we played when holding hands lying my head on your shoulder sometimes your head on mine your hugs your smiles our small little "quarrels"—cold war.

the way you speak sometimes— so childish yet cute.


but you never once told me you liked me. or that i was pretty.
the first time i ever felt butterflies in my stomach. genuinely. out of all the guys i met.

that want just so strong that you wanna be close to that someone. physically and emotionally. everything just felt right. at least at that moment.

almost.

it hurts the most when everything's an "almost", right?

it's funny how.. we both want each other(?) to be happy...
but why can't you just understand that i'm happiest when i'm with you?



always.

simple act of couples holding hands,  interlocking of fingers, clasping of hands. having both of their hands over their shoulders, moving forward together side by side
it's like an act you've been so familiar with. the act holding your partner's hand and stopping your partner from danger
that moment
the fluttering of your eyes like butterfly wings
hands on waist. face to face. telling sweet nothings to each other
the guy caressing your cheek with care
couples lying side by side in subways. the guy's head on the girl's. (cute af, isn't it?) like as if they'd be together forever, until they grow old. like as if their lives depend on each other.

you know what hurts?
it's when you thought you built yourself high up enough, to be confident, to be the best version of yourself, thinking you deserve the best. i thought i was satisfied with how i am right now. i tried so so hard to be where i am today.
but everything just crumbles down after one incident and then you realise actually you're
not
that
good
after
all.

when do you know he doesn't feel the same? you ask.

it's when you have to constantly apologise for having feelings for him and having confessed to him. 'sorry. sorry. sorry. for making things awkward. for making things feel like a burden.' like a fcking mantra.

while he doesn't reply at all.

does it break your heart? you were happy when you confessed to him, but when you realised he doesn't feel the same, your heart sinks, like how the anchor firmly goes deep down into the sea, heavy.

it's when, it should never have happened. you couldn't control your feelings. you wanted to express love to that piece of art you revere so much. you looked up to him.

people say love or feelings of like feels magical and all. but maybe not, maybe you thought too much about it just like how you overthink about every single thing. you mind fuzzes, images of clocks crazily ticking away, an alice-in-the-wonderland rabbit appears as well (it was something you were afraid of, that anxiousness)

like oh yeah, what did you expect from him, right? you just wanted to tell him how you feel.

just when we were gonna be friends, i ruined it.
and things just isn't meant to be i guess.

it's a mysterious feeling, right? being in love.
you think about your other half everyday, how he's doing, how was his day, if he was happy or not. you wish you could give him everything you have.

on cloud nine.
you miss seeing his face even if it's just within 24 hours.
tell him sweet nothings.
be with him.
texting the whole day.
you feel euphoria all over your body, you want to feel this feeling forever, you wanna feel happy. just talking to him would suffice. go on simple dates. he added colours to my life. and i love seeing colors. i hated black and white in the form of photos.

but what if, it turns out that everything was a lie? you thought you were in love.
him telling you he liked you. calling you babe. telling you you'll always be his babe.

it's then that you come to a realisation that you've not met him before, it was just words and empty promises, you were trapped in your own illusion. your world instantly turned back into that dull, boring and grey life.

those words. maybe you made them up in you mind. you liked him too much to think rationally. you imagined joyful scenarios with him. your future with him. dates with him. everything just started to crumble down. you believed in everything he said. until now you realised not everything was true.

he can lie to you once, he'll do it again. being sad and crying so much because of him.  you don't even know if it's forced tears or if it's real anymore.

you have no idea what is real. you start screaming. grabbing your head on both sides. clenching you hair. sitting while hugging your knees. brawl your eyes out. you thought everything was real, or some part of it was real.

i know we're not meant to be. maybe everything was a lie. i hate you for doing this to me. i once wish you were dead and never appear in my life ever again. i'd rather you ***** up other girl's lives than mine.

you left. and i'm left stranded here. it's fine. i'm fine. i'll get over this somehow. erase all those memories of you, even though it hurts. i swear it hurts so much i wish i could let go of everything and just not believe in love anymore. i'll forget you. i'll do it forcefully if need be.

wish we never fcking existed in each other's lives.

so tell me, is love a choice or a feeling?