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i stand in an asphalt river
and a chill knocks on my heart
as it cascades down the empty street

i eye my dad
as he takes photos
of the skeletons
resting on the grass

my hands are stuffed
in my overly fluorescent
striped jacket,
refusing
to feel the cold

i breathe out smoke

my pupils drift to the rusty shells; their tyres,
and their lack of number plates

the duo rests there together;
tethered to the turf,
bounded by the night,
and the endless winter wind

i wonder if they are past lovers;
entwined forever,
and forgotten to every eye but us
- or if they have a past at all.
One day
I will finally climb that mountain
I will hyjack a car

One day
When the e cops will ask me if I'm okay as I walk in the side of the road
I'll say
"Oh I'm great"
And it wouldn't even be a lie
Because I would know
What was to come
In only a matter of days

One day
I'll walk and walk
Until my legs don't work
And I'll keep going
On my knees

One day
I'll reach that small town
In small America
And I won't even mind the MAGA's
Because you'll be there

One day
You'll say
"I wish I could hug you right now"
And I'll climb in your room from the window
And give you the biggest one
The world has ever seen

One day
I'll be able to hold your hand
And we can walk on earth together
And eat all the jolly ranchers you'll spare
But I'll let you have all the watermelon ones

One day
I won't have to ask
"Still down?"
Because I'll be there
To see it myself

One day
You won't be 26 days away
But right there
In front of me

One day
I promise
And that'll be almost as magical
As you
Yk who you are <3 I love you so so so much
i'm the oldest daughter
that means getting love and validation from my family is transactional

my mother is proud of me
she thinks i'm an amazingly talented person
until my grades drop
now i'm sad

my father loves me
he calls me his twin
until i start acting my age
now im weird

my sister looks up to me
she wants to be just like me
until i try to be myself
now im embarrassing her

my other sister likes to be around me
i'm her best friend
until i stand up to her
now im a bully

i'm the oldest daughter
i'm the greatest person in the world
until i'm not
i found out what oldest daughter syndrome is and now everything makes sense
an•thro•po•pho•bia (n)
the fear of rejection

example: i have about 20 different personalities, none of them my real one, made for different people
i don't really know who i actually am anymore, but if someone were to not like me i might **** myself on the spot

cause: learned behavior
😃👍
6
your sticks and stones
didn't break my bones
but god, did your words hurt me

let's have a court,
the type with guns and swords
and there will be no jury
god im so emo *****
hi

beware of getting close to me.

we can be friends for a while,

and then i’ll get attached.

that’s when things get sour

i fall apart thinking about what you think about.

growing close to you is terrifying..

and i can’t quite go with it.

I’m sorry

i’m scared

i’m not good at this.

Can we forget that this existed?
i keep my depression locked in a box.
it's not a particularly large one,
or anything ornate
but a box nonetheless.
it's roughly the shade of a rain cloud
about to burst.
it has a vague beauty about it.
this box has the innocence of a small child
the mystery and danger
of Pandora's box.

the more i think about it
it's not just one box.
i have enough boxes,
to build a castle
much like one a toddler would build.
my depression,
my anxiety,
my fears,
my love.
boxes stacked,
neatly, rows.
they fit around eachother,
forming a larger box.

sometimes i wonder
if the state of the boxes
determines how i feel.
if the anxiety box is knocked to the left
am i more anxious?
if it falls off the tower,
am i going to lose it completely?

i keep all of my feelings in perfectly square boxes
each a different shade of rain cloud
all stacked neatly,
in order.
this happened around 3:30 this morning,
i awoke in a panic,
what am i supposed to do when this is a daily occurrence.
im sorry im too clingy
im sorry im too touchy
im sorry im too loud
im sorry you always need to help me

im sorry i relapsed
i really did try
i know im annoying
i should just ******* die

youre better off without me
i think we both know that its true
i dont get
why i keep hurting you
im sorry to all my friends who have to deal with this hot mess
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