it will frequently
flutter
if you
let it

the doubt, that is

there is no proper
preparation for
the plummet

even though you're terrified of heights
your stomach drops

falls to it's death

suicidal stomach syndrome

splattered about on sun-stained pavement
among chewed gum, spit and countless sin

you don't follow it down, not just yet
there's no reason to

all roads lead to the bottom

putting the bottle down
the only thing you're picking up
is another
or the tab

until your walking turns into a crawl

until everything spins so fast
that motor skills never existed in the first place

and before you know it
you're roadkill with the rest of 'em

scattered about with those pieces of yourself

drying out in unforgiving daylight

in some sort of twisted way
i've missed having someone make me spit

that wondrous insignificance that comes
with letting somebody under your skin

every word out of their mouth an attack
& every action they take purposely meant to exclude you
to tease you
to please them
to watch you squirm

letting somebody in

it's even worse when they sneak through
a window
without you noticing

& then it's over

they tighten their grip
around your rationale
your compassion
your free will
and suddenly

everything is about them
and everything brings you to your knees
and you want to cry out
and scream

but you wouldn't want to disturb them

it's been a while since i've jumped through hoops

but light them on fire
suspend them over impossible heights
and foolishly my heart will guide me towards
doom grounded in absolute certainty

but fight
cry
struggle
laugh
dissect yourself
as her every breath magnifies every
insecurity you thought you had completely buried

yes
in some sick way
i've missed being made so sick with care

with worry
that i don't stand tall enough in the eyes of
some inconceivable creature

an inexorably important
omnipotent mind-numbing
force
in complete control

in short,
i am ******

i've missed being ******