in some sort of twisted way
i've missed having someone make me spit

that wondrous insignificance that comes
with letting somebody under your skin

every word out of their mouth an attack
& every action they take purposely meant to exclude you
to tease you
to please them
to watch you squirm

letting somebody in

it's even worse when they sneak through
a window
without you noticing

& then it's over

they tighten their grip
around your rationale
your compassion
your free will
and suddenly

everything is about them
and everything brings you to your knees
and you want to cry out
and scream

but you wouldn't want to disturb them

it's been a while since i've jumped through hoops

but light them on fire
suspend them over impossible heights
and foolishly my heart will guide me towards
doom grounded in absolute certainty

but fight
cry
struggle
laugh
dissect yourself
as her every breath magnifies every
insecurity you thought you had completely buried

yes
in some sick way
i've missed being made so sick with care

with worry
that i don't stand tall enough in the eyes of
some inconceivable creature

an inexorably important
omnipotent mind-numbing
force
in complete control

in short,
i am ******

i've missed being ******

I can't get out of bed

my mind is overlapping
overextensions of the body

alert
lethargic
dream state zombie

fire flickers frequently
on pretty rocks next to me
liquid I'm consuming
forgetful
free
and dooming

wind chimes
chiming
ringing
off vibes
singing

lost time
finding
rebuked
meanings

underbite
teeth clenched tight

but I'm smiling
bigger than ever

clever weather
sending me
hurling towards
obscurities

a crying running nose

lights blinding to near pain

shielding myself under feeble covers

till life breathes within me once again