A knock; window glass

The sudden gasping for air

Oh love, sleepless night

I had never liked my name until i heard you say it.
Watching the syllables roll off your lips while they slip into a smile is equivalent to watching our hometown pass away through an open window,
the serene sensation of the wind blowing through my hair,
and blowing away the person i used to be.
You found the words to erase the self-portrait my brush always seemed to repaint,
no matter how hard i tried to change the ending.

When i asked you what your favourite food was, you said it was just dinner-
home cooked chicken and potatoes.
You said it reminded you of the easier days when a sunburn after a day at the beach was the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

On the night that was the very beginning of the rest of our lives,
In that moonlit cabin,
I realized i would be happy passing my days just listening to you talk.

I am a master at opening old wounds,
Scars cover my legs from the bug bites i can never stop picking no matter how many times my mother tells me i am only going to make them worse.
It is in my nature to

Pick and pick and pick,

no matter the blood shed or the pain inflicted.

Like a moth to flame, i was drawn to you and our endless cycle of
break up,
make up,
love you,
hate you,
love you so much,
It did not matter the

months and months and months

i spent picking up the pieces of my heart, i would always let you take out the stitches.

I used to think you were my forever, that one day we would own a big log cabin in the woods, and i would wake up to your face each morning and think, "We made it."


We didn't.

It is summertime
the ivory petals bask in the sunlight as i sit in the garden.
I watch as the wind sways the stems back and forth-
Like a young girls curly locks.

I reach down to pluck one out of the warm soil,
Pull the petals one by one,
She love me,
she loves me not,
she loves me,
she loves me not,
she loves me.

And i love her too.

My words, like me, have grown empty of meaning.
No rhythm, no depth, no feeling
My words, like me, have become boring and plain.
No spice, no depth, no pain.
My words, like me, are now nothing more than ordinary.

I'm empty, I'm boring,
I'm tired of being me.

I sit all by myself
Sip
Drink my coffee
Puff
Smoke my cigarette
I think there must be more to life than this

I sit all my myself
Write
Scribe out my thoughts
Sob
Cry my stress away
I think of all my friends I have grown to miss

I sit all my myself
Listen
Eavesdrop on conversations
Speak
Talk only to my hands
I think about how much i keep inside

I sit all my myself
Excluded
Left out of the laughs
Vanish
Its like I'm invisible
I think no one would care if I died

I sit my myself
I always sit by myself
Maybe i can't connect with others
Or maybe they can't connect with me
I laugh by myself
I cry by myself
Maybe this is how life works
Or maybe I'm just incomplete.

I sit all alone
I'm always all alone
In my pain ,
I am caught
I'm empty
I'm broken
I'm begging please
Just sit beside me ,
and distract me from my thoughts.

I want to sing,
But my voice cracks,

I want to dance,
But I was born with two left feet.

I want to draw, paint,
But my hands are too shaky.

I want to write,
But the words can't flow out of my pencil
The way they flow in my head.

These feelings that keep me awake at night,
Haunting the winds with whispers,
Letting the ghosts seem through these walls that are tired of keeping their mouths shut,
Eating me alive.

You, its always you.

I need to get you out of my veins.

Its hard to express,
When I'm not very good at expressing.
I'll continue to shut down.