I tried
To fix you
To repair your heart
To mend your soul
I tried
To take the place of everybody who left you
Of everybody who made you feel alone
I tried
But all that did...
Was break my own heart
Destroy my own soul
I focused all of my time on you & ignored people who cared about me
So now I'm alone
But just know...
That I tried
I promise I did
But some people don't want to be fixed
Some people don't want to be helped
& if you spend your life trying to help the unhelpable
All you do is end up broken, lost & alone
But even still,
I tried.
But now, I'm tired
The same letters.. But a new meaning
I'm TIRED of being the only one trying
I'm tired of sacrificing my own happiness for another's
I'm tired of being on the back burner
Only appreciated at your convenience
I'm tired of being second to everything else
I'm just tired...

Daily ritual of waking up to check
Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
Just to see if you're awake...
To see if you have been on your phone and still chosen not to contact me
Or even as much as read my messages..
Your read reciepts are still on ya know.

Again
Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
Just to see what pictures you thought were worthy to post
Or what song lyric you felt possessed to type..
All while remaining unable to even send me a simple "hello"

Yet again,
Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
I drive myself mad with this throughout the day
Just waiting...
hoping..
That I will cross your mind
That you will have a change of heart & decide to give me a piece of your time
But until then.. I will continue my daily ritual

Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
Slowly but surely destroying myself with each & every click...

But I'll be okay.
I'll pick up all the broken pieces you left behind.
Probably cut myself a few more times on them.
But what else can I do?
I've tried everything else.
I fell in love with someone who didn't want to be loved.
Who COULDNT be loved.
And even after realizing that, I held on.
Because I promised you I would.
I'm not one to break promises.

Tell me again
How it went from you loving me
To not loving me
How it went from me being your world
To not even being an option
How it went from eternity
To never
****, eternity wasn't as long as I planned
Please, tell me again.
I never get tired of this story.

Its sad really.
To pray every night to wake up with amnesia.
To completely forget everything.
To get a clean slate.
To get to start over.
To forget you.

I wouldn't remember your touch.
I wouldn't remember your smell.
I wouldn't remember your voice.
I wouldn't remember what you did to me.
I wouldn't remember how much you hurt me.
I wouldn't remember how much I loved you.

What's more sad than that,
Is if I met you during my second chance..
I would probably just fall in love with you again.
& then I'd be right back to praying.
Every
Night.
To wake up with amnesia.

In a world full of corruption & chaos,
You are my safe place.
Even when you're causing all of my pain.
You are my safe place.

Sometimes
I imagine myself dead
I picture what people will say
What people will do
Who will pretend to have known me
Who will be at my funeral
Who will visit my grave
But you know what I never imagine
Myself alive
I don't know what it feels like to be alive; to LIVE
I know I'm not dead because I'm breathing
My heart is beating
I feel pain
But I don't really live
I gave my all to someone
& they won't give it back...

Why should I let my soul die to save another?
Why should I constantly be upset just so you can be happy?
Why should I put myself aside, to accommodate you?
Why should it always be me?
Why can't you be the selfless one?
When is it my turn to be proud of YOU?
When is it my turn to be taken care of?
Why is it always you?
Why can't it ever be me?

"Why do you stay"
I get this question everyday
& I never know how to answer.
After everything he has done to me
After everything he's put me through
& continues to put me through
I stay because of love
I stay because I'm waiting for the man I met
I'm waiting for the man I fell in love with
For the man who did no wrong
For the Prince Charming who awoke this fire in me I had never felt
For the man who never lied
For the man who was always there
For the man who sought me out
For the man who fought for me
For the man that chose me
For the man that won me

But I need to realize
That man is dead
Or maybe he never even existed
Because the minute I let him in
THE MINUTE I let my guard down
That man was gone.
& he NEVER, never returned.