It's 10:45 and there's a heavy sleep in my eyes
My eyelids shut and the world turns black
A million thoughts race through my mind
From fantasies to memories everything is there
Then everything slows and eventually stops
The skin on my body falls from my bones
And my bones turn to dust
If only for a moment I cease to exist
I think and feel nothing
I am nothing
A noise shatters me back into existence
My eyes are wide open and my mind is flooded
The world is just dark outlines of shapes
I search for the red glow of my clock
It still reads 10:45

A fresh Spring breeze blows oh so gently
The sweet scent of flowers all though the air
I look around to find the source and lying right there
Is a small bouquet with my name on it
I slowly reach out to grab it
And  then realize that attached to it is a small note
And here is what you wrote
“You are so much more beautiful than any flower
And I doubt that it is within my power
To have you stay
Instead of going so far away
But nothing can break our love so true
And nothing can stop me from loving you.”
I can feel tears streaming down my face
And I wonder how I ever got to this place
When I feel you wrap your arms around me
And whisper “I love you.”  in my ear

I know I broke your heart
And in the end I also broke mine
I healed my heart
I hope you healed yours
In time I think that you have
I know that things can never be the same
I know all the blame rests on my shoulders
My stupidity and loneliness
Though now I do not ask you to take me back
I only want your friendship
Like we once had so long ago
Before this whole mess I caused
I'm sorry
Not for your heart, for I know its healed
Not for the distance, for I cannot move
But for the loss of a friend

I suppose I cannot force you to make a decision
Do what you may, it's out of my hands
Its your life, so you make the decisions
I know you hate it when people tell you what to do
So whatever happens, happens
I throw up my hands
I brandish my white flag, I surrender
I just hope you know that I will miss you
Your friendship and you being you
But that's all past, I cannot change it, nor can you
Over time I will forget and none of this will ever matter
Will I regret it? I cannot say
Will you regret it? I do not know
Though I do know that I will never again
Ask you to be my friend

Everytime I say "Goodnight"
I think "I love you." but never say it
And I don't know if I ever will
I wish I had the courage to
But my nerve fails and I delete the message
I write these poems hoping that you'll get the meaning
But I don't know if you even read them
I wish I was a bolder person
But if I was bolder, would you still like me?
My heart aches for you, but I can't know if you feel the same
I could ask but I fear that you would run away
What would you do? Would you run? Would you stay?
Questions like these plague my mind
Do they plague yours? Or are you just oblivious?
Thoughts like these race through my mind
They are the reasons why I don't say
"I love you" when I say "Goodnight"

The bite of the cold breeze
She pulls her sweater closer around her
She waits alone on a solitary park bench
She waits for the man she loves
In the distance she sees him coming
She wonder why he asked her here
She shivers and wishes for a warmer jacket
She stands to greet him
He kisses cheek, then goes on one knee
And then he says "Will you marry me?"
Her voice is shaking as she says yes
He rises and they embrace
A perfect moment

Sitting there I look at you
Knowing exactly what to do
I’ve gone over my plan completely again
I know that you are my best friend
I grab your hand and start to say
Those three little words maybe I may
“I…I love you.”
You look at me with your blue eyes
And in your face there’s no surprise
It’s like all along you knew
What I was about to do
And then all of the sudden, out of the blue
You embrace me and say “I love you too.”

Running on empty
Burning nothing but fumes
Lost on the map
I can't get out
I need you now
Please give me direction

Falling down a hole
Reaching up, seeking you
Please take my hand
Pull me up, help me out
Please give me strength
Help me make it through the day

I try and talk to my friends
But I can't bring myself to tell them
That I'm getting bad again

It stings and burns
Watching the ruby blood stream
Run down in twists and turns
You can't place what it means

Though you know its nothing good
Struggling to find a reason why
You know you should
Instead you just cry

Its not the first time nor the last
Remembering everything all together
Try and say it's all in the past
Hopefully you'll get better

What hope is left for you now
As you put the razor back on the shelf
And wonder just exactly how
You could keep doing this to yourself

A girl stands in a crowded park
Yet she is so alone
She with a withered rose in her hand and a broken heart
The last tokens of a lost relationship
She searches the sea of faces, hoping for his
Hoping to see him one last time
But he is gone, along with his love
She hoped for a proposal but got a broken heart instead
She can't move, she's still in shock
The man she loved is now gone forever
He loves another, she never new
He left her there and took her heart with him
Both gone forever, never to be seen again
She drops the rose and watches it get trampled
She leaves the park and never return
With no heart and no hope she leaves the world

A broken savior
With more demons
Than the ones
That need saving

You've fallen for me
But soon I'll be gone
I'll have broken your heart
And you'll just be
Another half-assed poem
(I didn't even try that hard)

Being here with you
Reminds me of times of old
A smile creeps across my face
I try to hide it, but can't
Can things ever be the same?

The things I've done
Left you scarred
I wish I could take them back
But past is past, and I have no time machine
Can things ever be the same?

I tried to make it work I really did
But things just got out of hand
I could say I'm sorry
But that wouldn't be enough
Can things ever be the same?

Maybe it was for the best
But I feel so bad
You say its alright, but I know its not
I know you too well
Can things ever be the same?

We would talk for hours
But looking back
I can't remember what was said
Because we were just talking
About nothing in particular
Nothing of importance
But those conversations
Were always my favorite

Footsteps stop
Two dark spots
Beneath the door

Concerned pause
Listening close
But a second long

A whatever shrug
Move along
Walk away

No time to stop
Not important enough
For a simple knock

These cuts I make
Are small compared to my real pain
My wounds go deeper
Than any blade can cut
And they leave bigger marks
Than the simple scars
Blood flows out of my wounds
Yet I live on
My heart still pounds its steady beat
Even as I scream
My heart cries out for help
As do my lips
I will continue to cut and cry
Until at last I die

Fingers slide over a touch screen
Pushing nonexistent keys
Words then strung into sentences
Should be so full of meaning
The 'I love you's and 'sweet heart's
     lies
Deft fingers dance on a keyboard
Typing forever a message not sent
Backspace and delete, find better words
Think of something comforting and kind
Make sure to put 'I love you' at the end
               lies
Ringing and buzzing, he's calling again
Let out a sigh, put on a loving voice
Click on answer, talk for an hour
Harder to feign emotion on the phone
Say 'I love you too', hang up
                         lies
See him in the distance, put on your smile
Tap on the shoulder, hug from behind
Hope your mask doesn't falter
Hand in hand, a kiss on the lips
'I'm so glad I met you' reply 'me too'
                                   lies

**Repeat

Where were you when I learn to talk?
Where were you when I learned to walk?
Where were you when I learned to ride a bike?
Where were you when I learned to write?

Why did you leave?
Why don't you care?
Why don't you love me?
Why were you never there?

Why do you love them
And not me?
Why are you their dad
And not mine?

You were never there
I never had a daddy
You never cared
How could you do this to me?

I don't miss you anymore
But I did back then
When I was only four
Did you miss me then?

I'm over it now I guess
Though I am still mad
How could you do this?
When I just wanted a dad.

Tears stream down my face
And drip off my chin
     Someone please save me from this hell I'm in
Memories tear through my mind
Like knives they cut ever so deep
     Into the black abyss, I begin to creep
Falling down into a black hole
Deeper and deeper, the bottom I cannot see
     *No matter how fast I run, the darkness always catches up with me

Another day spent pretending
That I'm okay
Another night crying
Trying to wash the pain away

Days blur into weeks
And then months eventually
Never finding what I seek
Here I sit, miserably

I watch as my life falls apart
And my dreams slip through my fingers
No one told me it would be this hard
Over me, a dark cloud lingers

Faking a smile, pretending all day
No longer able to act, crying all night
I tell everyone that I'm okay
No one takes notice of my plight

Listening I hear the sea
The white gulls are calling me
Home to the place where no one dies
With white shores and blue skies
Rolling hills and great mountains
Nice trimmed hedges and many fountains
I see the silver curtain roll back
Many are here to welcome me
After my journey across the sea
The place now where I will stay
Forever until the end of time
This place is yours and now mine

I hit rock bottom
I needed a helping hand
To lift me out of the hole
Instead I was handed a shovel
And I dug and dug
I dug till I couldn't anymore
Till my arms we as weary as my heart
And then I dug some more
When a shovel wasn't enough
I looked up for a rope
Instead I was given a pick-ax
Deeper and deeper I delved
The ax is broken
I look up yet again
I can see no light at the top
No hand, no shovel
No rope, no pick-ax
Nothing is left
There is no where to go
I can't get out now
Darkness envelopes me

When I'm with you time moves way to fast
When we're apart times seems to stand still

I want to hold your hand in mine and never let go
Yet our hands never touch yours

I want to hold you in my arms forever more
But our embraces only last a few seconds

I tell you everything, you know my darkest secrets
Yet I cannot tell you that I love you

I want to watch scary movies all night long
And cuddle as we laugh at the people walking to their doom

I want to tell the whole world of my love for you
Yet how I can I, when I don't have the courage to tell even you

I wonder if you think about me
The way that I think about you
If you still have those horrible nights
I know that I sometimes do
If theres anyone to hold you tight
And make you feel better inside
Like I wish I could have done
If there's anyone in which you confide
I think that I've found someone
And wish that you have too
There's still times I wish that we
Could talk like we used to
About pain, acting, and agony
Deep into night, until dawn
Now I'm back to hiding it
Hoping one day it'll be gone
Still there is no profit
Now I lay here awake
Thinking about you and the sea
Hoping for both our sake
You aren't thinking about me

I ran out of things to do
To keep my mind off of you
It wandered back to a time
When I was yours and you were mine
And its breaking my heart all over again
To think of what could have been

My eyes burn and are blood shot
I blame it on allergies and makeup
I've been crying for the past hour or so
My mind and body a wreck
Searching for that one thing
Something to make me whole
To make me feel safe and secure
I found it couple times a while ago
Just to have it all torn away
So many times has it been in grasp
Only to be torn away by someone or something
I've been abandoned so many times before
How can I trust again?
There's is one person I rely on
To take all my stress and pain
Do they know?
Do they know that they are the only one?
The only one I can pour my soul out to
And trust them with my darkest of secrets

I hide behind a mask of happiness
I pretend to be someone I'm not
I ask myself "Who am I kidding?"
My answer is "Everyone but me."
Then I remember the one
The one I forget sometimes
Not on purpose but they slip my mind
They are like an extention of myself
Though we are different in so many ways
In others we are one in the same

Two sides of the same coin
Forgotten over time, lost in a world too large
I wonder if they get the same feeling
Too afraid to ask I keep my mouth shut
I don't press the enter key to the message I spent an hour writing
I delete it ashames of myself
Wondering how I can be so honest with them
Yet I can't ask a simple question
One that many people before me have asked
As I sit here now I think of it
It is always in my brain, scratching at my sanity
I can only imagine what it would be like if I asked
If I had the courage a month ago where I would be
But instead I sit here terrified to ask four words
"Do you love me?"

I know that well be ok and we will make it through today
As long as we have each other we’ll be alright
As long as you’re by my side I’ll be ok right now
Thinking all the time you’re always on my mind
I know that you are here for me that is plain to see
I love you so much now, never let me go
Safe in your arms I feel no longer scared
You take all my pain away, I see now how much you care
Hold me right here, right now, never let me go
You give me hope for a better day
And tell me that there is no way You’ll ever let me go

I saved you a spot
A seat right next to me
I waited and waited
But you never came
Over and over again
The same old thing
Now after all this time
And I'm over you
You wonder why
When you asked if we could meet
I made you save me a seat
And you waited and waited
Just as I did for all those years
I never showed up
And now you know
Just a little bit
Of what I felt

Maybe in the end
All the blood I've shed
And tears I've bled
The words I've written
Will finally mean something

I try and imagine you here with me
Within you embrace like I used to
So close I could feel you breathe
But my imagination isn't so strong
To create something that isn't here
And its not because you aren't
You never were really
But I can't decided if its because
The thing that is missing
Is your heart or if its mine
Perhaps its both
Or maybe its neither
And that's just what I tell myself
That our hearts aren't in it anymore
Just to make it easier

The first signs of fall begin to show
The leaves are turning color
And falling gently to the ground
There's a bite to the air that only fall brings
A crispness in the in the air

The smell of fall is indescribable
Pumpkins in everything and everywhere
Flowers wilting, dying in the cold
Beauty lost to be found again in spring

People in sweaters and scarves
Preparing for the cold of winter
Putting away summer things till next year

All around things are changing
Fall is here

Smiling now you look at me
And there is so much to see
Under all of the anguish and pain
Is like sunshine after rain
Deep down under all that mess
There is some form of great happiness
Waiting to explode in joyous laughter
And I will say then after
“Thank you so much for the spark
That set off the fireworks in my heart.”
I always knew that it was there
The happiness I dared not bare
For though it may seem wrong
I was waiting for that perfect some one to come along
To share the joy I always knew was there
With you and only you, right then and there

Something's happening inside of me
It feels so familiar, its happened before
This sadness, loneliness, and smallness
I'm lost again, falling down, down, down
Reaching up, but there's nothing to hold onto
I know this feeling, I've felt it before
Its FML all over again

Stuck in this whole I can't get out
Falling deeper, I don't know how
Won't someone help me now?
This crying sadness and unnerving madness
No one to help me and no one to care
Meanwhile I'm in total despair
I know this feeling, I've felt it before
Its FML all over again

My have run dry but still I'm crying
My head hurts, I feel like I'm dying
Help me now, oh won't you please
I'm lost in this maze, please show me the way
No one answers, no one is there
I know this feeling, I've been here before
Its FML all over again

And one again
The beautiful liar
Has deceived the fool

But this time
It was I
Who was the fool

And you are
By no means
Beautiful

On Christmas Day I stand tall and proud
All alone, among no crowd
I proudly salute the red and white
In honor of those who still fight
And in remembrance of many lost lives
Thinking of those with families and wives
And of those that are away
At war instead of home this holiday
I lower my hand and bow my head
For every lose soldier a tear is shed
For everyone away this Christmas day
To come home safe is what I pray

All alone, among no crowd
I proudly salute the blue, red and white
In honor of those who still fight
And in remembrance of many lost lives
Thinking of those with families and wives
And of those that are away
At war instead of home this holiday
I lower my hand and bow my head
For every lose soldier a tear is shed
For everyone away this Christmas day
To come home safe is what I pray

What once was lost
Now is found
I've away so many times
Just to come back to your embrace
The only place I feel truly safe
I no longer want to run from you
I want to stay in your presence
Thank you for your mercy and grace
I no longer have to run away
I see now I'm where I'm supposed to be
Thank you Lord for forgiving me

I used to be in the dark
But you showed me the light
You showed me that your ways are just and right
And than mine are of the world
Help me to be more like you
Sending light out to all the people
And not just holding it in, extinguishing it
Helping the poor and the needy
And everyone else I see
Help me to love everyone, even my enemies
Help me be who I am meant to be

There once was a girl
Who travelled the world
And never stayed in one place long
But always seemed to drag a boy along
A different boy for each place
And all had the same fate
They'd go on for a while
And she'd leave with a smile
But it always ended in heart break
She knew she needed change
History had repeated itself again
But this time she said would be different
I would like to say this story has a different end
But alas, they too, will remain just as "friends "

The Mightiest you are
I have given you my heart
In Your safe keeping
There is no more weeping
The great feeling of joy
Like a tiny child with their favorite toy
I once was utterly lost
I looked to the cross
And now I am found
You love for me has no bounds
And I will be safe and sound
Standing here in complete silence
Drinking in your awesome presence

“Gift of God” is what your name means
The gift from God to me
“Warrior” is what name means
And I’ve fought for you every day
And of the day I’ll be OK
Because God is preparing me
To be in a state that I’ll be fit
To finally receive my gift

There's blood in my mouth
And cracks on my lips
Bleeding and chapped
Where you used to kiss

There's smoke in my lungs
A cigarette in my hand
A burn on this couch
Where you used to sit

I've been up for too many hours

Correction, for too many days

But how can I sleep at all

When you haven't said goodnight